CHAPTER THREE

I was bawling when Nikki opened the car door for me.

"Jeez! What happened?" She panicked. She held me by the shoulders and tried to look me in the eyes. 

I pressed my hands to my face and the tears didn't stop running. I remembered the mascara I had watched in a YouTube tutorial to achieve strand by strand definition. It was rolling down to waste. 

"Why? Nikki, why? How– I don't know, Nikki. I don't know what I did wrong. How is this happening to me? I love him, I– I do. I really love him. I don't understand. I– I– don't…how can he not– love me? How can he? I-I– love him." 

"He said…that?"

"He has a girlfriend. In there."

"What? Are you sure? Hussein? Girlfriend?" Nikki shook her head in disbelief. 

"Nonye. She is–" Broken sobs were the last thing out of my mouth.  

"He is stupid." Nikki said like it was all the explanation I needed. She tore my hands from my face before she pulled me into a hug and brought me to sit close to her.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not!” I snapped. "It's not okay. I did…everything. I have a banner to– I planned all this for him, so no, Nikki, it's not okay. This is not okay. At all." I swallowed to catch my breath. All my tears rolled to the centre of my jaw and dripped onto my dress. My beautiful dress.

I looked for the first time to see our driver looking at me from the rear mirror. She turned so she was facing me directly. 

"Sweetheart, he is the one losing you," she said. "That's one big mistake from him. And you don't have to cry for his mistake."

"Yeah," Nikki added. "He is the fool for not seeing your worth, girl. He doesn't deserve you, that's it. Wait till you see the guy that truly deserves that heart of gold of yours. Okay? Colette?"

I glanced from Nikki to the cab driver, they waited expectantly for their words to heal me. But it hurt. Everywhere hurt, I just wanted to curl up and cry all day. But instead I nodded, pushing down the bubbling sobs back to my stomach. 

Who knows, maybe I was the fool for thinking that he loved me. He couldn't love me, he couldn't exchange loving gaze with me across the room and preferred to kiss another girl. 

Without any hesitation, I pulled the sign, my 'can I kiss you' sign. I traced it to the middle and brought it to two ragged pieces in the blink of an eye. 

"Good." Nikki said. 

"I hate him." I breathed. 

"I hate him too. Even Mrs. Godwin hate him too, right Mrs. Godwin? See, we are together in this hate fan club."

"Can we go home?" I patted the tears on my face away and sniffed away the ones getting ready to drop. "I want to go home. I can't–"

"I want to say yes but," Nikki shook her head. "No. You need this."

"Nikki–" She didn't get it. I was a boneless creature at the moment. The image of Hussein kissing another girl that wasn't me drained me from within. I couldn't be happy at the concert and if you weren't happy at a concert, why would you even be there in the first place? And most especially, I couldn't go and celebrate love, a love feast? Love had broken me. Love didn't work for me anymore. I wasn't in a love story, I might never be.

"No, because I know you are not about to miss Romeo's concert. It's Romeo we are talking about, the same guy you have his picture hanging on your wall beside Rema and after Jungkook. Colette, you even got front row tickets, we have never gotten front row tickets. Ever. Are you really going to throw this away for a…boy?"

I searched within me for any ounce of desire left. It was like I couldn't feel anything but pain. I wouldn't enjoy anything even if I sat with the artist on the stage. I loved Romeo, I was obsessed with him just as I was to all of Jungkook's lives. But he couldn't help me with his bubbly pop love songs right now, I needed some Lewis Calpadi to cry to. I needed to hug my pillow so tight like it is all I have got. 

"Please. Let's go home." I removed every shred of guilt in me with the fact that Romeo's concerts were neverending. If I stayed up at night, I could get front row seats in the next one. But what I wouldn't do was go to a love feast on Valentine's day. Everywhere would be brimming with people who believed in love. I used to be that girl, today, I wasn't sure. If Hussein didn't love me, then I didn't know what love could be. 

Nikki smacked her lips together, crossed her arms over her chest as she relaxed back to the seat. "Well, I'm going without you." 

She was so nonchalant about it, the little thing remaining inside the ribs of mine was shaken of its frail self. 

"I will go by myself and watch the first ever Valentine's love concert he ever made and who knows he might catch the love in the air and fall for me. Oh my heart!" She clutched her chest and stared wistfully through the car window on my side. "What? Don't look at me like that. Anything is possible with love." 

She was imitating me, of course. Nikki had no dream about love. She probably dreams only of trees with dollars for leaves and that was if she dreams at all. Everything was clear and straightforward to her. She had a dozen boys dating her allegedly but none was her boyfriend. Only Nikki can pull that stunt. 

"Dream on, you know that will never happen." I hissed. 

"Yeah but you have it in your diary."

"You read my diary?" I whipped my entire body in her direction. 

"By pure accident but that's by the way. The point is that Romeo could be mine before midnight. Who knows, life is a crazy game of chance, especially the fact that I am directly in front of him, like his eyes are on me and what are the odds that he likes what he sees and asks for my number?"

"No odds. None at all." I retorted, eyeing her with her silly tactics. 

"Come on, Colette. Let's go. We have waited for this day. You especially."

"Yeah, because of Hussein."

"Well, Hussein is out of the picture. Your life shouldn't have to stop, his is not stopping. So you choose, Sweet Romeo or Lonely house?"

********

As I alighted the warm rays of the evening sun heated up the remaining chill from the air conditioner on my skin but the cool breeze from the beach somewhere balanced the temperature to a soothing caress.

The concert hall was by the left, excessively lit and choked with red decor.  It was way smaller than the usual massive hall that could contain the Romeo's fan stampede. This was because it was a valentine special hangout for VIP fans; by that I meant fans ready to spend their college fund on a piece of paper. In my defence, I didn't spend my college money, I was lucky to be blessed with a father that equated parenting with a credit card. But I believed everyone who was here could agree breathing the same air with him was worth every kobo. 

We showed our tickets and entered the hall. The interior was so cool, Nikki and I wowed in unison, twisting our heads in every direction like some doe-eyed tourists. The whole place was tinted in varying shades of red from the cove lighting that curved with the design of the hall. Soft jams played from the speakers mounted at each corner and I could have sworn that I smelled watermelons in the air.  The refreshing scent of this juicy fruit encompassed the atmosphere and when I sat down it filled me with this comforting feeling like no other, like I was about to have the best time of my life. 

We found our seats in the front row of the middle column.  We were directly adjacent to the small stage that was empty, saved from a grand piano. 

In my experience, the show always kick-started an hour after the doors were opened so we had more than enough time to fulfil all the madness of the twenty-first century.  Nikki squeezed photos out of me and pressed my neck into videos where she lip-sync to the song playing in the background. I just wanted to be left alone but Nikki, she never took no be for an answer. 

I made the mistake of looking around me, I saw the pairing. Everyone was in pair or in groups with pairs. They laughed among themselves, they fell on each other's shoulders like Nonye had done in Hussein's house. 

They talked about me I had realized but on what? That I was a pathetic idiot falling for a boy that didn't love me. But he did. Some people in our class believed we were a couple, yeah, that was how we flow. I remembered the many times how he held my hand and swing it like a jolly fellow as we walked down the hallway or when he took me out for his birthday, just me. Nikki traveled then, so his birthday brunch last year was like our first date. We did everything that couple do, I mean what else do couple do on cinema dates except fight over the remaining popcorn, walk all around the mall side by side and arm on arm, exchange gifts, yeah, he gave me a gift on his birthday. Some sunglasses, he said he saw some days before and thought that it was kind of my style– it looked like what a five year old would wear but still, he was not wrong, I wore it throughout the rest of the night. I was on his mind that day he bought the sunglasses, I was on his mind on his birthday, where was Nonye in all of this? She couldn't be around then and does that mean she just popped into his life and if that be the case, how can she just win his heart so quickly? Why will she be able to able to do that when I, who had circled around his for years couldn't? That wasn't what happened, something was not right here. Hussein should be my boyfriend and I, his girlfriend. 

"Nikki." My voice cracked open. 

"Which one is better?" she asked, holding her phone to my face and showing me two of my pictures. "I love this unaware one, I gonna post it on your status so everyone knows you're having a good time without them."

"Don't you think this isn't right?" 

"What? The photo?" She frowned as she zoomed into the image on her phone. 

"No. Not the photo, Nikki." I breathed in exasperation. "Not the photo."

"What isn't right, Colette?" 

"Everything. Hussein loves me, right? Nikki, right? You saw it too all this while, he was in love with me. I thought he was shy or nervous to talk to me about it or maybe for the sake of our friendship he held back and you know, it was obvious, his feelings for me were obvious. I saw the signs and everything. I couldn't want to do this if I wasn't sure, you know how I think every through before I do a thing and this, I thought deeply about it. I was sure about it, Nikki. Hussein love me. Why will he be with another girl, it's just too suspicious? Don't you get it?"

Nikki only stared blankly at me. She chewed her inner cheeks as if trying to form words out of her mouth. 

"You're not saying anything." I groaned. 

"Colette, um, I feel like irrespective of how you think it was in the past, this is present and, um, from the look of things, he wants someone else. The only thing left of you is to move on."

"But you agree, right? Hussein did love me."

"I don't know, Colette, what is love? I know he was a good friend to you and I know that no one or did you see anyone holding a gun to his head to choose that girl?"

"But–"

"But what, Colette?" She sighed. She reached for my collapsing shoulders and held it in place. 

"It is the game." I said as soon as it popped in my head. I closed my eyes and held my forehead regretting why I had not thought about this before now. "Maybe, you know, guys love girls that play games with them, maybe if I had learned how to play, I should have–"

"Yeah! You should have. What were you thinking? Don't you know that you should have added expertise in PS5 to all your many skills you have gathered to qualify for the girlfriend position? I can't believe you forgot about that important part. No wonder he left you another girl solely because she can beat him at gun play."

"Nikki!"

"What? Is that not what you want to hear?"

"Nikki, I'm hurting right now." I sniffed in the newly formed tears. "Is that what you should say to your best friend who just had her heart broken?"

"Colette. I made you come here so you can get your mind off this whole…thing because I know you are going to beat yourself over this till the kingdom come. I am going to be honest with you, I'm glad this whole Hussein thing is over. Yes, I said it! Will it be great if you guys end up together? Yes, Hussein is a nice guy but if not, I'm happy you can now live your life for you. You made him your entire personality, Colette. You drank him and eat him for breakfast, it was…too much. You don't have to work this hard for love, it will come to you."

I could only nod. The lump in my throat was too hard to swallow, it got stuck. I smiled when in reality, I wanted to bawl my heart out. Even my best friend? How broken do these people want me to be? But what exactly is my crime? I just loved a boy like every other sixteen year olds out there and now I was pathetic.

"Easy for you to say." I scoffed and stormed out of the hall. 

I needed some air and just to be away from everyone and everything. It made sense now that she explained it. Who in their right senses would be with a desperate girl? Absolutely no one. In their mind, they would call me pathetic and shake their head with downturned lips.  But it was really easy for her to judge me. She had love served to her in platters of gold. Everyone loved her and not for anything she did. She got boys dying for her attention, I got only Hussein and now he wasn't in the picture anymore. Who was going to blast my phone every now and then? Nikki did call me but she preferred to just popped in my house as she lived directly adjacent me but Hussein was the prominent number in my dial log, nobody ever called me, not even my dad. I wouldn't even have my dad if I didn't make him keep me. Who said love is easy? As if love was going to just cut my path and say I'm here for you, what kind of unrealistic expectations of love was that for someone to hold? At the end, she will call me the crazy one. 

I sucked my teeth, blocked my ears from her calls and fled from this whole chokehold of love. This wasn't the place I should be. I didn't want to see those stupid colours of love. If only I had magical powers, I would turn my clothes to black on black because this was the death of love in me. My spring had turned to harmattan. It blew dust and storm in my heart. 

The underground parking lot was far from empty but there was no other place to go that I knew of. Every corner was filled with giggling red wearing humans. Why does it feel like they are laughing at me?

There were a few people arriving and just loitering the place as they took pictures and banter among themselves. I searched for some place to see no one and that no one sees me. As luck would have it, one not so modern bus was parked at the East wall, it formed an isolated area just as I wanted.  I approached it and found with great pleasure that there was a pillar right behind it that had thick bottom where I could sit on. 

I released a pent up frustrated sigh as I sat down, immediately I reached for my phone from my hand bag to seek distractions but unfortunately for me, I opened the photos app and scrolled down to September twenty-five. He looked so good, I could even hear his laugh through the pictures. 

"I hate you." I hissed. 

"I hate him too." A mellow voice breathed from behind me. "If he makes you cry like this, he deserves jail time."

I didn't turn as quickly as I should have. I froze instead. My eyes popped open and went rigid and focused on nothing. 

Is that–? 

His presence covered me like an umbrella from my back. His footsteps drew closer and closer and when he was finally in front of me, I took my first breath since he appeared.