"Look at this silly guy." Harriet pointed at the TV with scorn on her face.
"He has such a beautiful wife yet he cheats on her with someone that looks like she is wearing Halloween mask on her face." I hissed, rubbing my legs that were folded beneath in yoga style.
"Men are just so despicable." She frowned, changing the station.
"Objection my ladies!" Fridaous hollered, raising his hands in defence. "I take an exception to that, not all men are like that." He continued.
"But why do they really cheat, what do they want from us?" Harriet turned to Fridaous, folding her arms to her chest.
"Don't ladies cheat too?" He fired, raising a brow.
"But guys cheating has become so common and rampant these days." I butted in.
"Most ladies chase the bag using their body and the guys just want to catch the cruise." He hugged a throw pillow. "It such a pity most girls translate it to something serious." He shrugged.
"Women should be worshipped, we are goddesses and not a freaking toy to insatiable men." Harriet snorted.
"The real question is this, do women act like they should be worshipped? Especially those ones that always need 2k urgently." He said making us chuckle.
"Not every ladies wants 2k urgently." Harriet countered with a frown marring her face.
"Yes, they are some that want to ruin guys completely." He fired back making me laugh and Harriet frown harder.
"You mean the ones that follow different Alhajis." I nudged my head in Harriet's direction.
"Ditto." He winked making me chuckle harder.
"You guys should stop changing the topic o, Men are trash and scum," Harriet whined.
"Not every guy is a scum, I'm one of the bonafide unique guys." He snapped his finger.
I narrowed my eyes. "Unique indeed! That was why a girl came home crying to mother that you broke her heart." I fired.
He froze like an antelope in headlights. "I can't seem to remember o."
Harriet leaned closer with a smile on her face.
I grinned. "October eight, two years ago?"
He scratched his head looking confused. "Well, it was just a harmless mistake, it was for cruising and she got it all wrong."
"Harmless? But you appeared harmful to the girl by shattering her heart into pieces." Harried chuckled so hard, slapping her thighs.
"Well, I'm born again." He shrugged his shoulders.
"Abeg, make we hear word." Harriet shut him up with her palm. "Nonsense!" She concluded.
In case you haven't gotten it yet, it is Saturday afternoon and Fridaous came visiting. The sunshine is in our bones, its heat radiating outwards into the bright day. The fan in the living room seems non-existence because we can't feel it function.
Harriet wiped the beads of sweat adorning her forehead. "O boy, this weather hot no be small." She said in pidgin accent.
"I heard the sun is getting bigger and advancing slowly to Earth." Fridaous butted in.
"Hmm! Helioseismologist." I raised my hands, saluting him.
"What is the meaning of that long grammar you just said?" Harriet stared on in confusion.
"It is the study of the sun." Fridaous and I chorused, leaving a disorientated Harriet to digest it.
"So guys, guess what?" Harriet hollered, doing a crazy dance.
"You met a new Alhaji?" Fridaous blurted out and earned a knock on the head from her.
"There is this new recipe I saw on youtube and you lucky people will be the first to taste my culinary skills." She wiggled her brows playfully. "I call it, happily ever after, spaghetti bolognese." She clapped excitedly.
"I'm not actually hungry." I scratched my head, swallowing hard.
"But you said your breakfast wasn't satisfying enough few hours ago?" She glared at me, pouting her lips.
"Well, I decided to do a three days dry fasting for a better Nigeria. My pastor said it is mandatory." I licked my dry lips, hoping I sounded convincing enough.
She tapped her chin, glaring at me. "Prepare to extend that yeye fasting to twenty days." She hissed.
"And you jare? Better pikin." She wrapped her arm around Fridaous' neck.
"I will just take garri without sugar, thanks." He faced the television with rapt attention.
"What is wrong with you all? is my cooking that bad?" She cried out, fuming.
"No one said it is bad." I started, trying to make her feel better.
"It is that bad." Fridaous hollered facing her. "You almost burnt down this house the day you attempted to boil ordinary water." He spat, removing her arm.
"That was just a mistake now, this one will be perfect." She sounded convincing.
"Perfect?" Fridaous queried, widening his eyes. "Isn't that what you said the other day you attempted cooking noodles and you ended up putting locust beans, saying you wanted it to be spicy?" He eyed her and hissed.
"You are just a very stupid boy." She hollered and began chasing him around with a throw pillow while I laughed at them.
My phone pinged from the couch. I picked it up from the purple couch and saw a mail notification. It is an interview invite to Ajah. One of the most influential places on the Island where rich people reside, It is quite different from the mainland. The celebrity, politicians and wealthy folks occupy the place, enjoying all its good benefits and leaving the poor to settle on the mainland where the struggle and hustle of Lagos lives. It says an interview from Access bank headquarters.
With nonchalance, I set my phone on reminder knowing it will mostly end up in premium tears but I decided to give it a try.
"Why are you angry with me? I want only stating the fact. You are a horrible cook so deal with it." Fridaous hollered as an energetic Harriet ran after him still thirsty for revenge.
The doorbell rings making everyone pause what they were doing as confusion look spread around.
"Are you expecting someone?" Harriet asked me, a frown marring her features.
I shook my head in negativity. "I was about asking you the same question."
"I hope it is not one of Kasali's numerous flings?" Fridaous cocked a brow, his lips curved up in amusement.
"No nau, Biliki the fish seller already left the street in shame after she got pregnant for the mechanic guy two blocks away," I commented while they both nodded in acknowledgement.
"Ah! Ambassador of amebo association of Ikeja, I throw way yansh for you." Harriet danced towards me.
"Well, kasali gave me the juicy gist." I shrugged my shoulders.
"That mechanic guy na bad guy, sharp guy!" Fridaous hailed chuckling.
The doorbell rings again, demanding someone goes to the door.
"I will open up." Harriet surrendered and danced in her bum short towards the door.
She opened the door and hissed loudly. "Immediately I saw this your tattered shirt, I knew it was going to be you." Harriet eyed the intruder, her arms blocked the door shielding the person from entering.
"Honestly ehn, fuck you." The person said loudly in anger.
"Please get out of here, after you finished drilling a hole in all the girls you still have the audacity to come here and tell me, fuck you?" She twirled around pulling her crop-top.
"I know your problem, your sugar daddy forgot to pay you for the weekend before leaving his house." He pointed an accusing finger at her, "when are you leaving my girlfriend's house?"
"Keep your dirty mouth shut." Harriet hollered, her nostrils flared up.
"Your mates are buying expensive rides and taking their girlfriends out for shopping, you brought dead vegetables." She hissed and walked inside the living room leaving my angry boyfriend standing at the door.
"Damn!" Fridaous squealed. "Who got that insult?" He chuckled.
"Every time you behave like a foreign witch that I'm beginning to see you as one." He attacked Harriet, mimicking her walking steps.
"Male prostitute!" She clapped. "Oyah take." She slapped her butt and left the room.
He walked towards me holding a bouquet. They were rose flowers that looked like it was freshly plucked. The blossom opens as if each flower was a book--a book that was more sculpted than written, the ink infusing into the petals to give them their soft glow. It was beautiful and thoughtful of him, but do Nigerian ladies accept flowers?
"Baby, I'm sorry." He said softly kneeling in front of me.
"Marvis, why are you here?" I asked angrily, tapping my footsteps on the red rug while I fumed.
"I just came to apologize, I know I fucked up big time." He admitted, giving me his puppy eyes in an attempt to bribe me.
"Do your parents even realize they are proof that two wrongs don't make a right?" My brows furrowed as I folded my arms to my chest.
"Tife!" He spat and stood up angrily. "Don't you dare involve my parents, what is wrong with you sef?" He nudged his head at me, anger overwhelming him.
"Please!" I silenced him with my palm. "Save your breath, you will probably need it to blow up your next date with your numerous flings." I spat angrily and stood up, ready to walk into my room.
He followed me, blocking my part and a smile lighted his face. "I'm sorry babes." He tucked my braids to the side of my ear, caressing my face.
"What do you what?" I shook my head looking at everywhere but him.
"I looked up beautiful in thesaurus today and your name was included." He voice came out softly as he held my chin up, forcing me to look up at him. He is a little bit taller than me.
"That's funny." I chuckled. "I saw your name next to trash." I spat, my smile dissolved into a frown as I dodged his arms trying to head into my room.
"Shit!" We all chorused as the power supply got interrupted. Here in Nigeria, especially the mainland we get to deal with constant power interruption despite the fact that we are rich enough to power the whole country for millenniums without scratching the surface.
"It is all your fault." Fridaous frowned at my boyfriend.
"What?" Marvis glared at him.
"Must your bad luck always tag along with you?" He hollered. "Since yesterday night there was constant power, you showed up one minute, it got interrupted." He finished up and hissed.
"Are you alright? Is he within your age range?" I scolded my brother and flung a throw pillow at him.
"Whatever." He hissed and exited the room.
"Look I'm sorry, I promise to never cheat again." He pleaded, using his handkerchief to fan his face as the room got hotter.
"That is what you always say, so go away with your cheating ass and go disturb another bitch." I pushed him away from my side. He circled my waist and pulled me back for a long kiss.
"Baby I said I'm sorry." He paused the kiss, sincerity was written all over his eyes.
"The next time you cheat on me." I bit my finger and snapped it. "I will kill you." I threatened.
"I'm all yours to kill baby." He said making me chuckle, he pulled me towards the three sitter couch where we settled for business.
I once had the urge to use the toilet urgently but was stuck in the traffic jam for hours. I had to swallow my pride and distort in a nearby bush to relieve myself. It was one of the terrible moments of my life I will never forget.The inability to find something around the house when it's always in the same place irritates the hell out of me. I spent three hours pulling my hair out of frustration while searching for my phone all over the room. All it took was a phone call-- a phone call to realize it was in my pocket all along. I have never felt more stupid after that.The engine of my car sputtered to life after thirty minutes of patience, persistence and hard work while I ran late for my interview. The car hissed out a horrible sound like that of an old man dying. Dripping black oil stained my fingers, ear-splitting bangs shook me about like biscuits in a tin. With a loud fart, a cloud of smoke blasted out from the exhaust pipe and everything wen
We crossed the busy road holding hands and spotted some tricycles waiting for passengers. Keke Napep is popularly known as a four-person vehicle with three passengers occupying the back seats and a passenger sitting with the rider up front.We approached a Keke Napep that has two passengers sitted already so we mounted it as well to complete the ride. Bankole sat with the rider at the front while I sat at the back, sandwiched between two fat market women who wouldn't stop lamenting on the increment in cassava.The woman at my right side was oozing terribly and the moment she raised her flabby arms to give the driver money, her foul stench loitered over my small frame and drained me of oxygen for some seconds before I recovered. my intestines died and resurrected as the horrible smell mixed with sweat slapped me hard in the face. One of the terrible reasons I hated taking public transport.The woman on my left side decided to alight
When I was in senior secondary school, I remember learning about idiomatic expressions. I used to wonder what kind of dumb phrase was, to wish the ground will open up and swallow you.First, how the hell was it possible for the ground to suddenly split up like an earthquake and swallow a person? How logical and realistic could that be?I didn't quite agree with the phrase, but anyway, for the sake of coming out in flying colours in my exams, I accepted the definition, hook, line, and sinker. I remember my teacher used to say it meant one wish to escape or some instant relief from being mortified or extremely embarrassed. It was today I realized that what an adult can see while sitting, a youth will never see it even if it is right under their nose, or even if they are at the top of an aeroplane.All of a sudden, I craved for the ground to open up and swallow me. All I wanted was to curl up into a ball
I have been working in Access bank headquarters for two weeks now and that two weeks was the most physically and mentally exhausting moment of my life.Do you remember how I said working for the arrogant boss for a year can't be that bad? Well, that's a lie because it is freaking worse. Working with that Yoruba demon named Alexander Adebayo, popularly known as Billionaire Alex has been tormenting. There was nothing I ever did that pleased him. Everyone naturally assumed that pregnant women and women on their period are the only nagging people in the world. Well, who knew a certain billionaire jerk nags as well.Whenever he told me to do some calculations, he never failed to tell me to redo them at least, fifteen times a day. Well, maybe I'm that bad in mathematics. And when he tells me to print out something, he ends up scolding me claiming the print out isn't clear enough. His never-ending demands of excessive print outs due to my punishment
I was once an underage high school student and was at the strip club.Okay calm down geniuses, it was one of those moments of my life when I wanted to do crazy things like jump in the middle of an ocean next to a shark and tick them off my bucket list. Yes, I had a bucket list back then which had crazy contents I wanted to explore. I am yet to plot a new one because I have been so busy.So, I felt and thought I was never going to be caught, so I might as well give it a trial. I mean what is the worst thing that could ever happen?But on the contrary, I later got caught by my Christain religious studies teacher who was holier than thou in my school. She happened to be performing on the stage. It was embarrassing and crazy to think of. It was one of the moments that got stuck in my ever-green memory. It was a horrible experience but I can only hope and pray that today doesn't get even more horrible for me.The t
In Nigeria, there are some adventures you are very sure will hardly scale through Saturday, being a work-free day.Saturdays in Nigeria are known for sanitation, laundry, morning devotion, weddings, owambe, and party jollof rice. Talking about weddings, mom attended a wedding party. Mom's friend, who knows a certain someone that knows another person who is related to the bride's family invited her. Fridaous on the other hand will never miss an opportunity to devour a smoky jollof rice and munch on deliciously prepared stewed goat meat.I recently just finished my house chores and I'm currently in the kitchen making breakfast. White rice and egg sauce while Harriet is busy washing the dishes. It must come as a shock that a certified high class, slay queen like Harriet is doing the dishes. Well, turned out she lost her Instagram pageantry and has to continue washing plates for two weeks."Instagram diva? Madam Fashion pageantry?" I pe
I know waterfalls, lakes, and gardens all represent beauty. But have you ever seen a kind of beauty that captivated, allured, and rendered you speechless and completely awed?The moment Louis drove into Lekki phase 1, I knew I was been transported to another universe entirely. The entire place is simply urban with tall erected buildings in modern architectural designs in an exact grid pattern. Ubiquitous skyscrapers smudged by the smug-filled sky. Elaborate automobiles with tinted glasses danced around. There are streets of upmarket stores, smooth black and glass exteriors, fancy names in fancier lettering.The island is a world of wealth, beauty, and riches. The difference between where I was coming from and where I'm being transported to is a blazing fickle of poverty to affluence. Everywhere looked different with a perfumed atmosphere made all the more inviting by trending hip-hop music.The Porsche came to a roundabout wit
Sleeping early in the morning while the rain is falling can be another form of paradise on earth.I tossed around the wide perimeter of my bed enjoying the soft relaxation my mattress provided, while the cool breeze from the rain, sang a sweet lullaby to me. I hugged my duvet a little tighter and rolled so it enclosed me in its warmth.Sploosh!That could pass for an alarm, but from the painful splash across my face. My eyes flew open from the impact of the water that knocked every wisp of air from my lungs. I sat upright immediately, struggling to inhale and exhale simultaneously. The water was so cold that it stung and snatched every atom of warmth and heat within my grasp.My eyes narrowed at my smirking baptist who stood arm akimbo and tapped her feet constantly on the floor, enjoying my reaction."Harriet!!" I hollered with clenched fists, eyes shut firmly, and furrowed brows before throwing a