26. Lose Control

William

I’ve always prided myself on being in control.

Everything has gone according to a plan, a schedule and an end goal. Spontaneity and I fell out of each other’s favor years ago and I never reconciled that relationship.

And I was okay with it.

I am okay with it.

Losing control once threw my life in a loop of chaos and fucking destruction and I can’t do chaos.

Chaos is the source of all evil.

Chaos would push me over the edge I’ve been walking for as long as I can remember.

And yet, right now, I can hear the cracks in my wall. While small, their deafening sound resounds in my foggy head, and I watch with complete bewilderment as the control I’ve nursed for years collapses all around me.

Crashing, splintering, and leaving a Nikolai-shaped hole in the outer walls of my carefully curated self-preservation.

I’m trapped, ensnared, and being held captive. I can’t feel even a smidge of my autonomy or the logical thoughts that I usually wear like a badge.

There’s something else I do feel,