CH. 4 The Run

Reagan

I was so lost in thought listening to my music I didn’t even know what I hit. All the air in my lungs left leaving me gasping, everything was spinning. Strong arms wrapped around me as I felt my body hit the ground my vision darkening. ”It’s okay”, I heard a voice in the distance say. It seemed far away at first. I tried focusing on the voice unable to calm myself. “I’m so sorry I didn’t see you.” the voice was panicked. “Breathe Regan” recognition hit me it was Riggin. “Thats it slow breaths.” air was slowly returning to my lungs but I was struggling to keep it under control. 

I can’t let him see me like this, I tried to pull away from him but he tightened his arms around me and whispered in my ear, “It’s okay, deep breaths” fighting him was taking too much energy, the loss of control consuming me. “Relax, breathe in 2, 3, 4, and out 2, 3, 4.” I tried to breathe in rhythm with his count, concentrating on his voice and nothing else. My ribs felt like someone was crushing them sending sharp stabbing pains through my sides into my shoulders. It felt like an eternity but finally my breathing started to sorta resemble something normal but my body was shaking uncontrollably. The coolness of Riggin’s skin against my cheek suddenly made me very aware of how close we were. My throat constricted slowly closing off.

“Pull it together Reagan you don’t fall apart in front of anyone and for pete sakes breathe.”

I was giving myself a pep talk in hopes that I could get my body under control, for the first time in five years I wanted to cry knowing the tears would not fall. Riggin was still holding me tight whispering to breathe in my ear. The intense feelings I felt when I’m around him were more than I could handle and now I can’t breath because of it. I need to distance myself, if I don’t all of my control will be gone. 

The sound of his voice was so soothing I started to try to concentrate on his words feeling myself get calmer. I closed my eyes tight and buried my head in his chest, the adrenaline coursing through me was wearing off as the pain in my ribs became more noticable. To be honest I welcomed the pain, it meant that I wasn’t completely without feelings. I could at least feel pain and even push myself to the brink without feeling guilty. The last five years I’ve stayed numb keeping anyone and anything that caused me to feel anything at a distance. Only allowing myself to feel emptiness and pain, it’s the only thing I deserve to feel. 

The reason I gave up this town and this life on the ranch was to stay numb. I ran from everyone I cared about. The city didn’t care who I was, what I had done or what I did with the blood stained money. It was the second hardest thing I ever did giving up my happiness so the ones I love could live their lives without my interference.  Sometimes I get so sick of the whole charade that I want to just come home and have everything go back to the way it was. I know it’s just a foolish dream that could never happen though.

Time seemed to stop as I lay in Riggin’s arms. When he looked at me there wasn’t pity in his eyes like everyone else. How am I going to explain my reaction to this? “Reagan, its okay are you hurt?” he sounded worried. “I'm so sorry did I hurt you? Reagan look at me please.” he was pleading with me to look at him. I was vulnerable and I couldn’t let him see that, if I look at him he will see how weak I am. I closed my eyes tighter forcing myself to take back as much control as possible lifting my head up so I could look at him. My heart dropped into my stomach when his blue eyes caught mine. He was searching my face trying to see what I was feeling and his arms tightened around me even more. Against my better judgment I allowed myself to enjoy the safety of his embrace if only for just a moment. “I’m fine, just had the wind knocked out of me thats all”, I barely whispered, “I wasn’t looking where I was going and………” 

I couldn’t handle it anymore the way he was looking at me was just too much there was something in his eyes I couldn’t explain and I couldn’t think straight. My eyes fell to his lips and I wanted to lean up and kiss him I wanted to let him know I was okay. “and what Reagan?” His words brought me out of my unwelcome thoughts as I quickly realized I had stopped talking mid sentence heat started to crawl up my neck to my face. “um… oh you can let go of me now I really am fine.” I stumbled over the words like a blubbering idiot not even convincing myself that I was fine. I tried to push out of his embrace needing to get away from him so I can think but he didn’t let go. I winced in pain from trying to push him away. “Reagan look at me” this was not a request I knew it by the tone of his voice, and I tried to push away even harder not caring that the pain was starting to blind my vision. “Listen, you hit your head pretty hard when we fell, I tried to catch you but…” The pain in his voice caused me to stop trying to resist his hold, without my permission I looked back at him and immediately I recognized the look on his face. I had seen it everyday in the mirror for the last five years. Guilt and blame, he seemed to think this was his fault, I could see the anger in his posture and the concern across the lines that were forming on his forehead from frowning. 

I wanted to tell him the real reason I was having such a crazy reaction and that it had nothing to do with a little fall. I wanted him to know that it was actually my fault, it’s always my fault. I wanted to tell him about the nightmare about everything. That the words I said last night were lies. Instead I put on my best smile and pretend that everything is okay and that my life isn’t a mess. “I’m fine really I should pay more attention”, he shook his head at me but I finally saw a small smile come across his lips, “I think you have a concussion do you have your phone?” “ya...I think….Um….” come on Reagan form words, “Sorry, It’s on my arm”  I finally got out. Maybe I do have a concussion, it would definitely explain the lack of control I’m having. The smile left his face as he looked at my arm, “Ok, I’m going to sit us up slowly let me know if you have any pain or need me to stop. Then I’ll see if I can find your phone.”  I was confused, “Isn’t it on my arm?” I tried to glance around only seeing sagebrush around me  “It must have fallen off when we fell. I was barely able to pull you into me, I tried to protect your head the best I could.”   

My head started throbbing making it hard to focus on what he was saying. His words sounded garbled. “I’m gonna sit up now okay I don’t want you to try to move” he waited for me to respond but my mouth was dry so I just nodded my head. I tried to move and he quickly stopped me, “Reagan don’t try to sit up I will sit us both up” he said sternly, why is he making such a big deal out of this? He was starting to annoy me. I am fine. As we sat up everything started to spin, I could feel my stomach move up my throat and I thought for sure I would throw up. I buried my head in his chest and he stopped moving, “Does it hurt are you okay?” he lay back down, “Sorry it doesn’t hurt” I lied “I just felt dizzy that’s all.” Partial truths will do, he just rolled his eyes, “Lets try something different, we won’t sit up I’ll just roll you onto your side so I can get up and try to find your phone.” “Okay” I responded to him this time as I closed my eyes praying the spinning would stop. He slowly rolled onto his side, “Are you okay?” “Yes, that was better.” finally feeling some relief. He gently rolled me onto my back holding his weight so that he wasn’t crushing me under him and let go of me. My body felt cold from the loss of his touch and I wanted to beg him to just hold me a little bit longer. 

Riggin knelt beside me and started to evaluate my injuries. I was grateful my tank top didn’t ride up any and was still hiding the bruises, I really didn’t want to explain them to him, but mostly I didn’t want him to see the scar! I turned and noticed that blood was dripping down his arm slowly, “Riggin your bleeding!” I tried to sit up, but my head and ribs decided that was not a good idea causing me to wince in pain again. “Easy, stop trying to sit up!” he scolded me, “it’s just a scratch I’m fine.” I was too tired and sore to argue with him so I just let it go for the time being. “I’m gonna see if I can’t find your phone, Don’t Move!” “Okay fine I won’t move but really I’m fine let’s just get back home.” I tried to protest but even I didn’t convince myself that I was fine. “Keep telling yourself that Sweetheart” he chuckled as butterflies took flight in my stomach. I had never liked being called sweetheart but at this moment I did, I almost forgot about the pain. 

I watched as he started to climb up the steep incline, the further he got the harder it was to see him since it was still dark outside. Some clouds moved in front of the moon again causing it to get even darker. I could hear the coyotes in the distance and was regretting removing my hoodie at this moment as the breeze picked up. I wanted to sit up but I didn’t dare move. A wave of nausea hit me and I truly felt that if I could just throw up I’d feel so much better. I have got to get control of myself, that was the whole point of going for the run in the first place. I can’t even remember the last time I felt so out of control, my dad is in the hospital, Sarah’s on bed rest, Steven wants more from me and I can’t give it to him, and now I have Riggin causing me to rethink everything I’ve been doing in the last five years. I’ve only known him a couple of hours, to top it off he has to be so dang good looking too!  

The last thing I need is for him to be interested in me, I could very easily fall in love with him and that was not an option for me. I’m too damaged to have the type of relationship he deserves to have. I felt so safe in his arms though and I couldn’t deny the feelings that he was making me have. My eyelids were getting heavy and I just wanted to go to sleep. I knew that was not a smart idea. If I had a concussion I need to stay awake.  I started to try and listen for Riggin’s footsteps but I couldn’t hear them anymore.  What is taking so long?  What if he fell and is hurt now? What if the bleeding was worse than he let on and is passed out somewhere bleeding to death because of me.  “Riggin”  I tried to yell but my head started to pound and my ribs shot a sharp pain that felt like tiny knives going straight through me. He didn’t answer and I could feel the lump in my throat as I started to panic. “Riggin!” I yelled again not caring about the pain anymore, I could hear my heart beating in my ears and without thinking I sat up causing everything around me to go into a full tail spin, I closed my eyes and tried to take a deep breath forgetting that my ribs wouldn’t allow for that and the pain that shot through me caused me to double over, the bile that had been threatening to come up finally did as I tried to steady myself. I convulsed causing even more pain to the point that I felt the darkness start to engulf me as I began to lose consciousness.  Crap, fight it Reagan, do not pass out, Riggin could be in trouble, the last thing I remembered was Riggins face before the darkness won over.