Lost (and found)

Her mother named him Manuel, after Valeria’s grandfather.

“Hi.”

The child had been sleeping but woke up as soon as she entered the room, his big eyes staring at her with curiosity.

Green eyes. If only he didn’t have those green eyes, she might be able to look at him. Or that was what she told herself. The truth was, the color of a baby’s eyes could change as he grew older, but even if the boy’s eyes weren’t green, Valeria would still stay away.

She didn’t hate him. She thought she would because she certainly hated him when he was growing inside her. However, that was pointless now. Manuel was not at fault for his biological father being a fucking bastard. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to care as she should, either.

Did that make her a terrible person?

The baby started crying, and she silently slipped away from her mother’s room and went back to her own bed. This was where she spent most of her time since ‘that’ incident because her mother wouldn’t leave her out of her sight.

Up until now, Valeria couldn’t say she regretted it. Life was unbearable from the moment her classmates (and all the school soon after) found out she was pregnant. ‘Luckily’ there were only a few weeks left before the academic year ended, and her mother convinced Padre Roque, the school principal, to let her take the exams and graduate. 

Avoiding expulsion did not make things go more smoothly, though. All her friends were gone, they started looking down upon her. Valeria didn’t miss those shallow people but still resented being isolated as if she had some kind of contagious disease. 

Eventually, she crushed down at the receiving end of everyone’s malicious whispers.

What had she done wrong?

She’d believed in a bad man who fooled her with sweet words and gentleness and later showed his claws when escaping was no longer possible. However, no one would blame Mateo, this was all her fault for being an ‘easy’ girl. What if he’d forced himself on her countless times and she felt nauseous and pathetic every time? In everyone’s eyes, it was still her fault. 

When the academic year was over, her mother wouldn’t let her out of the house either, because she mentioned the abortion clinic once more. Meanwhile, her body kept changing in ways that made her despise every bit of it. As she sank more and more into despair, her thoughts became clouded and she did something that could have killed her.

Maybe she wanted to die.

Manuel had stopped crying, the faint sound of her mother’s voice singing a lullaby could be heard through the walls.

“Valeria, come to eat. Lunch is ready.” Now she was at her door. Probably still holding the child.

“I’ll eat later, mom. I’m not hungry now.”

***

This was unfair and tough for her mother, too. She wouldn’t be able to keep working this hard for much longer, Valeria knew it.

On days when she felt slightly better, it was possible to picture herself as someone stronger, the type of thick-skinned girl who’d go out and work hard to put her life back in order. Many others, even younger than her, did it all the time. Find a job, and maybe study something else (she wouldn’t have the money nor the time for nursing school the way things were now) and just become Manuel’s mother.

It was impossible to see herself as a mother.

That wasn’t one of the good days. It was one of the worst, those when it was difficult to get up from the bed.

And then, there was the usual knock on her door. Was it noon already?

“What is it?”

“It’s me, Daniel.”

Daniel. Her heart skipped a beat upon hearing his voice. It was August already? When had he come?

Jolting to the door, Valeria gasped when she saw him, arms opening to offer a hug. “Hello, Vale.”

He gave her that smile that was always directed to her, the look in his eyes hadn’t changed. There was no disappointment, no contempt reflected on them. Suddenly Valeria felt taken back to the time when she was innocent and happy and everything was good.  Oh, how she wanted to be that girl again!

Comforted in the safety of his embrace, she dared to cry.

“I’m sorry.” She wiped away her tears and tried her best to calm down. “I’m a fool, right?”

“You're not a fool, but you make us worry about you sometimes. Your mom says you have not been eating for days.”

This was his only complaint, and then, when the excitement of his arrival had worn out and she went back to her bed, Daniel walked to the windows and opened the curtains, forcing her to let the sunlight in.

It was so bright that she needed to blink a few times, blinded by the light. Had it been so dark in there all that time?

Then the baby started crying, and her chest hurt for too many things that she couldn’t explain even if she tried. Before she realized it, she was echoing his cries with her own, which soon turned into loud howls.

What was she supposed to do with her life?

***

The house was unusually quiet that morning. Her mother must have taken Manuel for the monthly checkup. She dragged herself to the kitchen and opened the fridge, but stood there not knowing what to do next.

That was the moment when the bell rang. It was Daniel again, holding the keys of the car high so she could see.

“Good morning.”

“You didn’t have breakfast yet, right?”

She sighed. Wasn’t it obvious just looking at her appearance?

“Why don’t you change your clothes and we go to eat out?

For a moment Valeria considered saying no, and it was only because she made the mistake of looking into his eyes that she couldn’t. To him, who was still trying to cheer her up, she wanted to be the same person she’d been in the past (even if it was impossible).

Hours later her bare feet felt the hot sand burning while they were looking for a nice spot on the beach. “I told you so,” he said, passing her back her sandals.

This was the first time in half a year she came out of the house (for anything other than the visits to the hospital) and her senses were filled by the colors, the sound of the waves, the noise of the crowd, the smell of food… as if trying to inject some life into her.

“Thank you.”

He patted her head, not saying anything. It wasn’t necessary.

Two words were insufficient to express how she felt at the moment, and yet Valeria could keep looking forever and words would still not be enough.

She clutched her chest, a silly attempt to control her crazy drumming heart. This was a feeling she knew and did not want to experience anymore.

‘It’s just a childish crush.’

It wasn’t. She knew it at that moment when it wouldn’t be more impossible, when she couldn’t be more unworthy of him than she already was.

Valeria was hopelessly in love with Daniel.,