Silent Birthday Wish

The sound of the alarm wakes me. I hate work, I hate university, and I hate mornings. Hitting the button, I look around. My life is nothing extraordinary; I live with my roommates, and I spend most of my time either here, at university or at work.

I should be waking up in a hotel room somewhere, but no, I failed at that this year.  Groggily walking to the shower, I climb in. As the water hits my skin, it feels incredible. Today needs to go fast. Tonight, however, needs to go even quicker. I honestly need tomorrow to arrive, like now.  

Climbing out, I begin getting dried off, my eyes looking around. I will be home soon; tonight won’t be long or late, and then I can just relax and spend a tiny bit of my birthday how I want to spend it. Walking out of my bedroom, it is quiet.

Grabbing food, I embark on walking to university. I don't like driving if it isn't too far. My mind is flying away, every thought just running through it.  Stepping in, I can't help but smile; a few hours to take my mind off today, yet deep down, I know that isn't going to happen, not at all.

“Hi, Alena.” Looking up, Megan is standing before me, a friend at university. I wouldn't consider her a friend though, just someone I see a lot here; once I leave, I don't hear from her or keep in touch.

“Hi Megan, how are you?” Smiling at her, my hand moves my seat as I move to sit. Megan is taking place next to me.

“Good, going away tonight for a week. I can't wait, it's my sister's wedding in 5 days so looking forward to it.” She looks so happy, smiling. I just nod. I am not a people person.

I want to get my course done and leave, to be honest. That sounds crazy and mean, but I like a simple life now. I would be happy hiding away for the rest of my life if I could. Sitting through the class takes ages, and my mind tries to concentrate, but I just can't.

Looking at the clock, today is going too slowly. Maybe I should have just stayed in bed all day and slept and faked being ill. I am grateful, though, that not many people know me or know what today is. It feels easier to ignore it. I find myself drifting into daydreams, the sound of movement making me glance up.

Everyone is leaving. It is noon now. Walking out of the university, I walk to the baker’s and grab some food. I start on the journey to the office. Walking through, I go to my desk. Keeping my head down, I begin working while watching the clock.  Every minute feels like an hour. Why is today going so slowly?

I need to stay at work late tonight, it's my birthday, and I would rather avoid it at all costs. I have not celebrated my birthday in so many years.  The issue is, though, I work in Telesales. There are no goals to meet to go home, so I must leave as soon as it reaches six o'clock.

No overtime, nothing. Sitting here watching the time tick by, you can tell I am not working.  My voice sounds fed up, lazy and like I don't want to be here. I do want to be here, but I know I can't stay here until tomorrow. My mind tries finding ways out of tonight, ways to avoid whatever has been planned.

I can't use work as an excuse to escape my birthday. As it reaches six, everyone else starts finishing and packing up, then rushing to get home. Not me, though. I go at a snail’s pace, as slow as I can just to avoid tonight.

Grabbing my items, I start to make my way out and begin walking home; I know I can't escape tonight at all. I shouldn't complain when I have people who care and want me to enjoy myself, but for me, anything to do with people or many people, and I won't feel comfortable.

Maybe it won't be as bad as I think. Granted, I have not celebrated a birthday since I first got with Max. So, my birthdays are not something to celebrate. That is when all the abuse started - on my birthday.

I am hoping it is something at the flat, just us three and a takeaway, even a small party, just nothing too big.  Opening the door, I begin bracing myself for a flat full of people I do not know, here to celebrate my birthday. Turning the light on the flat is empty. Not even Georgina or Liam are home.

Well, this is a benefit. Smiling, I begin walking in, and I head straight to the fridge to grab a drink and notice the note on it.

“GET READY, GET DRESSED AND GET BEAUTIFUL. I WILL BE BACK AT 8!

- GEORGINA”

Ever the urgent, can't just write in lower case, can she? The thing is I avoid my birthday every year. I either plan trips away or go to my parents, anything to prevent Georgina's mad and crazy parties.  This year I was so busy with university and work I forgot about my birthday coming up, I forgot to plan something, so when Georgina brought it up, of course, it was already too late, and she had planned my birthday party.  

It isn't here though. I should get ready. The last thing I want is Georgina coming back to me not being ready and have her complaining that we will be late.  Jumping in the shower, I just stand here wondering what is happening tonight. I have a bad feeling about it, but I should enjoy myself. I should, for a change, celebrate that I am alive.

Getting dry, I start looking through the wardrobe. What can I wear? Thinking of Georgina, my eyes glance at the dresses, something that never gets worn and, to be honest, I don't want to wear a dress. It is my birthday; I want to feel comfortable and not like I am going over the top.

So, I will grab some jeans and a shirt, and add a black pair of boots. It is a safe bet, comfy yet suitable for pubs, clubs, cinema – everything, pretty much.

Walking into the living room, I have half an hour before eight, so I guess I will spend half an hour of my birthday as I want. Sitting on the sofa, I grab the remote, turning it on. I put my feet up, watching the TV.

Glancing up at the clock, it is five past eight. Georgina is late, as always. A few minutes into the following program, the door unlocks. Georgina stands there looking at me, shocked.

“Seriously, you’re not ready yet? I left a note saying to be ready for eight. Did you not see it?” She runs over, her hands grabbing mine, pulling me up from the sofa.

“I am ready, see? I don't wear these to work and uni, do I?” Looking at her, I can't help but wonder what she thought I was going to wear.

“Not a chance. You're wearing something better than that.” Her finger pointing at me up and down, she disapproves, not a shock. I had a feeling this would happen. I stand with a shocked look on my face, my head shaking, while she smiles. I don’t want to show my body, and I don’t want to risk it. Plus, who is going to be looking at me anyway with her there?

“When was the last time you went out, like out, out, and actually enjoyed yourself, and showed yourself off? Before Max, so move it.” Walking to me she begins dragging me into the bedroom. She throws open the wardrobe doors, rifling through it. As she does, she throws clothes over her shoulder, always messy as well. I can't help but smile. She turns around, throwing a dress at me.

“Put this on and hurry up. We’re late!” Grabbing the dress, I look at it. Yeah, this is Georgina's style, not mine. Low cut, very low cut, black thigh-high dress, with a slit. Slipping into it, I feel like I have nothing on. Grabbing another pair of shoes, I put them on.

“Right, I am ready.” I stand there looking at her, feeling like I look amazing, her face falls. Okay, she disapproves of the shoes. I knew she would - flat, simple and no heels.

“Put these on, don't wear those. You're not fifty, Alena. Actually, just throw them out altogether.” Grabbing the shoes, I start putting them on, standing up, feeling myself wobble from the heel height. I walk over and stand in front of the mirror; I look at myself. I am nothing special, not even average. My hair is bright red and hard to miss. Green eyes. I'm slender, yes, but still not perfect. Georgina's arm wraps around me.

“We look amazing, don't we?” She grins. I turn to look at her reflection. Now Georgina is fantastic, with her long legs, blue eyes, auburn hair, and her impressive body, the benefit of going to the gym. Georgina is the woman every man hangs around at clubs and bars, hoping for a chance. I would if I were a guy.

Here I am standing next to her; I have no chance with any guys; she is stunning. I am less than average. I feel worse now than I did before—Max's words flowing through my head. I should have refused and just worn the jeans. He was right.

“Come on. We are going to be late. The taxi has been waiting for us.” She grabs my arm, pulling a little too quickly and hard again. I wobble and nearly fall. I hate heels, hate my birthday, and sometimes hate Georgina for making me go out.  Walking downstairs, we climb into the taxi, and my nerves kick in.

My stomach flips and worry rises inside me. I have not been out since just after I met Max, a person I want to forget and move on from, yet he always seems to be there. He is the person who destroyed my life so quickly and is the reason why I only ever see faults in myself.

The truth is, I have not been the same since Max, I can't. I seem to be stuck in the mind space of being afraid to leave my house, fearful of men. I am afraid of myself, but I have no self-esteem left at all, none; every bit has been ripped away from me.

Sure, I will see a cute guy and hope. When they try, I never feel safe; it is like it will take something big to make me feel secure with a guy again. While I kept trying to find who I was, every time I see a bit of self-esteem, his face is there in my mind, ready to steal it away, just like tonight.