Ch 5: Afraid To Live

[--Esmarie Cruz--]

I can’t believe I used to be friends with this guy. The nerve he has to... to be such an ass. I paced back and forth. Panic was filling my chest. I don’t know the first thing about taking care of children. My omega instincts are good, but in this world the younglings need the warmth of an alpha for them to really feel well.

And I just don’t have that alpha. In fact, I hate alphas officially. Especially ones that disappear for years after a kiss and confession, and have the nerve to not even apologize. I hate the Darkwood. I rubbed the bridge between my nose. I feel so fucking frustrated.

Looking at these innocent babies I think I should hand them over to someone who can do a better job. But with how everyone has failed me in my life, I want to do better. I want to bring up two good people in this messed up, fucked up world.

I let out an exasperated sigh. Life is such a mess sometimes. There is really no one you can trust but yourself. How could he end up like this? Well, I guess you never really know someone. I ran my fingers through my hair, then I stepped out again so I could use his work computer to check whether children were supposed to sleep this soundly and not cry. They’ve been sleeping for a while now and I’m worried.

Thankfully, it seems like Kaiser- I am not calling him Kai. I hated when his family would shorten his name. It was Kaiser- had left before I came back out. He left me a note and a credit card with the PIN code.

The note read ‘Go out. Buy some groceries or whatever you might need to be comfortable. Or get something for your children. Perhaps books on how to be a good mother.’

I scrunched up the note and huffed. The audacity. I tossed it away after memorizing the PIN code. Then I went back into the twins' room. There’s a conjoining door that leads to my bedroom. This is a swanky place.

So many rooms, he’s rich rich. I mean, he runs a pack. His family knows that. He’s been all over the news. I knew where he was. I knew he was safe, strong, and popular. Whenever the four regions pack would pop up Barry would get so pissed off and he’d take it out on me. His little brother was making a difference out there.

Wealthy, and handsome, he was the alpha of many dreams. And my nightmares. I pulled out the stroller Kaiser’s beta had bought for me. Then gently, I picked up each child. I’d named them after the only two good people I had known in my life. My deceased grandparents.

Elijah and Eloise.

They’re beautiful. Thank god they took mostly after me. But they have Kaiser’s family eyes. The ever-changing eye color. It’s one of their best features. Under several lights and situations, their eyes change in color.

Kaiser had the best of them. One minute his were hazel, then bright blue and destructive. Because Kaiser with blue eyes... is still a dumbass.

“You’re going to be great, my little angels. I’ll die before I ever let your sperm donor or his fucked up family take you.” I have a bit of PTSD. The loud noises and darkness scare me. And I had been expecting one child. I’m shocked I have two. I held Elijah close to my chest, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Then I placed him into the stroller. It was big enough for two.

I’m grateful to all the people who helped me. They didn’t have to, but I’m grateful. It’s been a while since I’ve been around people with compassion.

I placed Eloise in there as well. Then I pulled the hood up and covered them with a blanket. It’s a bit chilly outside. And I don’t know what is appropriate. But I need to buy some stuff.

I pulled on a jacket, thankful for fresh clothes even though they dragged over my injured body. The bruises were healed off but the pain was there. Some of it at least. It was mostly psychological.

I then pushed the stroller out of the room, down the hall, and towards the front door only for it to open the moment I got there.

Kaiser looked at me, he looked at the stroller. Then his face turned sour. It’s like my children could sense the bad vibes because they woke up immediately and began to cry.

“Really, kaiser? What is wrong with you?”

“I didn’t do anything, and just call me Kai.”

“No, I will not. You don’t own me. And I’m freaking out. I’m trying to make sure I don’t do anything stupid and your distasteful alpha aura is affecting my babies.” I reached for Eloise, balancing her on one arm, then for Elijah but Kaiser intercepted it.

“If you hurt them, I swear to the goddess. Don’t hurt my son.”

“Okay crazy chick, I run a respected pack. I do not hurt children. I’m sorry if my aura upset your son that wasn’t my intention. I don’t know anything about children.”

I followed my omega instincts and held on to Eloise. Softly rubbing her back. “Follow my lead. And maybe as an apology, you can show me where the market is and how I’m supposed to get around.”

He gave me a gruff reply but he started to follow my movements. It took us thirty minutes of soft rubs, and cooing for the twins to go back to sleep. My heart felt full and aching. When I put them back, I dropped to my knees. I’m going to fail at this.

I just know it. I’m so scared of every move that I make. I’m in a foreign land.

“Hey, hey they’re asleep.”

“For now. I don’t know how to do this. Should I even take them out to buy stuff? What if we get into an accident and I lose them? What if I purchase the wrong wipes or I-”

“Okay, look at me. Listen I will take you shopping. Let’s buy as much as we need. But we also have an app where you can order groceries and supplies. They’ll bring them to the gate. I have a gate and a fenced wall. You don’t even have to speak to the person. Just take the stuff after they leave. Then after a while, when you’re used to being here, we’ll work you into doing this stuff by yourself.” then he shook his head. “I must say your ex-husband did a number on you. You seem more afraid to step out than anything else.”

“My ex-husband was Barry.” I got back to my feet, rubbing my eyes and trying to clear the tears. “You left me with your sick family. So yeah, I’m afraid of going outside. I haven’t been outside in years. I was never allowed. The last thing I want is to traumatize my babies. I don’t want to be like you Darkwoods.”

Kaiser looked at me in shock. Like he had no clue it was his brother I had married. What was he expecting? That they’d treat me like an angel after he left. They said it was my fault. And in a way it was. I trusted Kaiser when I shouldn’t have. And that will always be my fault.

I pushed the stroller, lightly bumping him as a way to tell him to move.

I would overcome this and buy what I need. Kaiser stepped back and helped me take the stroller down the steps without waking the children.

Then I spotted a black SUV. He said it was Will’s former car, and it’s hooked with car seats. Suddenly my hands started to shake, and scenarios filled my mind of my twins choking in the seat. Or being too young to even be in a seat. They’re only days old. Like four days. I can’t..... no.

“Let’s go back in. You can do the shopping. I’ll do anything else but that. I can’t do this.”

“But-”

“Let it go, Kaiser. I cannot do this.” He must have noticed the fear in my eyes and the way my body was shaking because he nodded. And we took the stroller back in. They put the twins in their cribs and knelt in front of it. I think I’ll sleep in this room for the time being. Just to make sure that if something happens I’ll be right here.