note about "Not Ready to Hear it (part 1)

the chapter accidentally repeated the chapter above instead of the intended chapter, I fixed it and if you remove the book from your library and re add it it should fix, alternatively I will post it bellow for those of you who already had the incorrect chapter and don't wnat to remove and re add.

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Nova’s POV

     I have been reading Aldo’s old poems. Mostly they are about the sun in the sky or the flower in the crack in the pavement, or the hair of some girl in one of his classes, I was near the middle the other day when I came across my favorite one yet. It was about Sidney. It starts out talking about how annoying she is and what a trickster she can be and her pranks piss him off or get him in trouble, then it takes a turn and he says that is how he knows she loves him because siblings can be that way. 

‘An Ode to Sid

My little sister with skin so fair

Blue eyes and flame like hair

The devil himself could not compare

All the evil things she does

They leave me in despair

When I see her smiling around the house

I know I better run because

She is up to something quite unfair

Like the time she put gum on my chair

Or pulled the fire alarm while I had soap in my hair

Causing me to run outside in the buff

Sometimes I think I’ve had enough

But then she’s like this

She sees me upset and offers a hug and a kiss

She sees someone push me and gives them a hiss

These are all the ways she loves me

The good and the bad

Because sometimes siblings can be like that

Sometimes they make you mad

Sometimes they make you glad

But they love you 

And 

You love them just the same.’

    I’m not ready to tell Adia I forgive her. I read this poem just after her efforts the other night. Trying to get me to talk, laugh and dance and yeah she succeeded , but I am not ready to tell her that she is forgiven. Maybe in a couple more days.She hurt me a lot but I know she was being naive.  I made a photocopy of the poem and gave it to Sidney at lunch yesterday and told her that Aldo wrote that when he was in 7th grade. She laughed and we talked about forgiving our siblings I told her that Adia was the main cause of what happened but I had forgiven her and while I don’t think Aldo and I will get back together I do love him and it isn’t his fault…I whispered in her ear “Although, had he let me say what I was going to the night he gave me the notebook full of poems he would have found out from me that I have a dick.”  The look of shock on hrt face was priceless…no one had told her. Neville knew, Cade knew and Aldo knows, but none had told her. I shrugged and told her either way it wouldn’t have mattered how he found out and he really isn’t at fault. I should know better than to fall for a straight guy or to think I could find love with someone like him. 

    Sid had told me not to be so hard on myself but here I am it’s friday night and Candy and I just wrapped up our rehearsals nice and early. Tomorrow night is my big debut. Candy is in the dressing room gathering our stuff up and yelling at one of the other queens who teased about my modesty and had said they just wanted to know if my front was as delectable as my rear because my booty looked like “a taste of heaven.” Only a few queens are here this early and a few bouncers but Kari was here to open up the VIP lounge and bar. “Hey beautiful! Are you ready for your Grand Debut?” she asks sweetly. 

    “I am as ready as I ever will be, I guess. It’s not like I haven’t done drag performances before.” I smile. I don’t flirt, or I don’t think I do, but my eyes do travel her body. She is very slender but has a nice set of tits, from what I understand she has chosen to keep her dick because she likes it. Yeah, talking about the fact that you both have dicks with the beautiful bartender with a great set of tits is not exactly the norm, but maybe I should let that hand she is rubbing up my arm wander, maybe I should give in and let her have her way with me. At least she knows I have a big cock and she likes the idea of being with me. 

    “You’ll be fabulous, baby. All of the rehearsals that I have seen have been wonderful.” She leans in seductively and I do it…I lean in the rest of the way and lock my lips on hers. They are sweet, her lips taste like cherries and her kiss is wow! It’s really good, but I pull away abruptly. Something feels wrong. A tear escapes my eye. 

    “I’m sorry, Kari! You are beautiful and so sweet, but I’m just not ready…as wonderful as that kiss was. It’s not fair to either of us, because my heart is still his.” I hold back my tears as I turn and  find Candy still reading the riot act to the few queens who are in the dressing room. “Candy, drop it! Since you all know I have a cock you may as well know it’s not a tiny little worm like some of y’all be hiding. Sometimes it’s a bitch to tuck the fuckin’ thing, but whatever, it’s not like it’s done me any good having it!” I storm out and lean against Candy’s car waiting for her. One of the bouncers, Sebastian, I think…He’s usually in the VIP room, walks up to me, hands me something before saying “For what it’s worth I kind of envy your situation. You have a hot ex boyfriend who keeps getting turned away at the door to the club you work at and a sexy bartender who wants your cock as well as several of the bouncers and a couple of the drag queens and while it’s bullshit the rumors say even the boss is into you. You could have your pick, including your ex.”

     I scoff “Yeah, right… First off there was no official breakup so I am not sure if I can call Aldo my ex boyfriend, but since we haven’t spoken in over a month then I guess that would be it. Second off, he’s probably coming to try to get Candy to talk to him, she’s mad at him for hurting me, but it’s really my fault for falling for a straight guy and my sister’s for spilling the beans in a public way. I wanted to tell him in private, and had tried but been shushed by his kisses or words when I tried, but he doesn’t like th D and if he really wanted to he could just text or call me, it’s not like I blocked him like Candy did.”

     “Mmmm, honey! So you did try to give him a heads up and this is about that big thang between your legs!” Candy calls out as she walks up behind us. “You can always talk to mamma! But you don’t want to talk to me about your man!”

    “Candy! He’s your best friend and you need to forgive him! It isn’t his fault that he doesn't like cock! I should have known better than to fall for a straight guy, ok! That’s all there is to say.” I pout and cross my arms.

    “I think your assumptions are wrong. About Aldo, at least.” Sebastian says, starting to walk away. He looks over his shoulder “I think there is something you are missing.”

    I don’t know what I could be missing. It is pretty apparent that he doesn’t want to be with me because I have a dick. Candy stays quiet while driving me home but when she drops me off she says,”Sweetie, sometimes you gotta give people a chance. Things aren’t always what they seem. Now get a good night’s rest and pamper yourself a bit because tomorrow night we show the world, or at least Brooklyn how amazing you are! Goodnight, sugar!”

    I am getting ready for a soak in the bath, gathering together my robe and pajamas and some epsom salts that I have mixed with gardenia fragrance oil and rose absolute (gotta feel like a princess after that emotional shitstorm and the raging seas that are my heart). I am just grabbing some fresh clean towels when I hear a guitar and a very familiar voice outside in the alley. He is playing his heart out and has  poster boards apologizing and asking me to listen. I am mesmerized by his voice. My heart is in my throat and the butterflies in my tummy are waking up, stirring up a frenzy inside me for the first time in over a month. I feel tears prickling at my eyes, but I hold them back. It’s all too much. When he finishes he motions for me to come out or something, but I am not ready…I am not ready to hear what he has to say. He could have called or texted. I am a storm of emotions and I shut the window and curtains letting the tears fall as I feel the raging storm inside, so many warring emotions and I can't sort out one from the other. I call Cassie and talk for a couple of hours, just trying to wrap my head around it all.

     It’s nearly midnight when I hang up and run my bath. I sink into the tub and the tears are now softer. My heart yearns for him, my body aches for his touch and my mind tells me…well…it tells me it’s out of commission because it no longer knows what to think because everything I think seems to be wrong…everything. I sink beneath the water and let myself feel weightless a few moments before sitting up and slowly washing with my sandalwood and jasmine body wash and loofa. I continue bathing and cleansing myself then dry off and lotion myself before carefully drying my nappy curls and sliding into my silky pajamas and robe and settling down with one of Aldo’s poems, this one is about Cade…it talks about how when he dances he is pretty like a girl but when he isn’t in drag he’s back to his crazy best friend with a sassy personality and I vow to photocopy it and slide it into Candy’s dressing table when she isn’t looking. The thought of them repairing their friendship helps carry me off to sleep.