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Chapter 33
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2024-10-29 19:42:56Jules made it home in one piece.
His fingers, his hands, his arm, his neck, everything felt hollow but still, he's breathing.
Jace was seated on the steps of the porch. He was shirtless, barefoot and crying. Jules got out of the car slowly, he could hear his dad talking on the phone.
He's back, Martha. Oh thank God, he's alright.
Was he alright? Did he look alright? He certainly didn't feel alright. But he guessed considering everything - he was alright.
Even though it felt like he had left a huge piece of him on the field with her. He was back home and in (one) piece(s). Jace looked grateful and so goddamn relieved.
He realized then what it must have looked like to Jace. Wasn't it on a night like this that Jules had left the house with intent never to return?
Jace didn't scold his son, he didn't try to be anythi
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Heartbreak. Heartbroken.The words felt childish to Jules. Something he would hear and immediately think of an actor or actress looking into the inside of an ice cream cup.Heartbreak. Heartbroken.But when he looked up the word this was what he found: Heartbroken —( a person) suffering from overwhelming distress.And he thought, fuck, that's me right there; I'm suffering, it's overwhelming. And distress, distress, distress.Jules didn't go to school for two days, all he did was forget to eat and never sleep. On day two he wondered what his father thought about his moping, as far as Jace knew no one had died, yet. But when he finally asked, he found out it was the weekend.It was so dumb that he had laughed out loud for the first time. Loud and crazy. He'd stopped pretty q
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Jules had been eagerly awaiting the fall break.But now that it was upon him, all he could think about was how empty he felt.If they did open heart surgery right now, on him, would his organs still be there, intact? Or would they find a bottomless pit instead?It seemed no matter how much air he dragged into his lungs. No matter how much food his father coaxed him to eat, it was never enough. To fill him, to drown this emptiness. She caused.It had been two weeks, no– three weeks or rather, maybe, three hundred lifetimes since they had last spoken.When she had finally come to school for the first time since their split. Jules had been by his locker when she walked into school clad in yellow denim overalls and a tee they had dyed together.For a second he forgot everything and anything, moving like a magnet drawn to
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He could handle it. "I can handle myself."April or May or December pressed herself even closer to him, a feat he didn't think was even possible. She trailed her fingers higher tracing his lips with her hard-pressed acrylic. Grasping onto his neck, she pulled his head lower, lips searching for his. But Jules had sucked his in childishly, unwillingly to give even that.April-May-December pouted. "God, Jules. You're such a tease."Jules smiled down at her, pearly white straight teeth, that slew gods and crushed hearts. The lighting favored him, his skin was not the color of poop but a golden brown – sun-kissed. And his freckles which had been once compared to a rotten mango? Was— what the did she say?— yes, it was akin to constellations in the night sky. He was mesmerizing. And April or May or December clearly thought so too.Her lips pa
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Jules collapsed.It was pitiful, really.But what was more pitiful? In that split-second, when his legs buckled, he still thought of her. Goddamn.His body hit the floor with the sound of a dull thud, the sound of a heart falling.The girl, Riana, kind of shouted but it was soft, muted, like her grey eyes. She rushed over to him and obstructing his view of the ceiling. And replaced it with a worried pout, warm caramel skin, and miles and miles of ample flesh."Oh my god, Jules are you okay?"Jules stared up at her dazed. He wondered fleetingly how he had wound up here, staring up at her best friend.He still remembered her words clear as day from that day. When he saw their picture on her phone.That right there, Jules, is my best friend in the whole world, well save for my
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Jules pressed his palm to his throat, ignoring the loud thumbs of his chest. "I–I need a minute." Mars was right; it wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. "Give me a second to think..."He left before they could stop him half running, half walking into the boy's restroom. It was small cramped space, but he was grateful for the size and the key on the door. He locked himself in before facing the mirror.The brown boy in the mirror did not look happy. So Jules tried to smile, but the corners of his mouth turned down instead of up and soon it was a grimace.What are you doing? He thought to himself. What was he doing? Yes, she was wrong. Yes, she made a mistake. But he could fix it. Hadn't this been what he felt deep down all along? So then, why was he still torturing himself like this when everything in him was screaming to go to her, to go home.It's
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Jules hated flying.Which was funny because traveling used to be top of his list back when his family was still together. He usually gritted his teeth thorough out the trip. While burying his face into his mother's fleece and the trip didn't seem so bad.But his mother wasn't here and Mars was a poor substitute. his stomach was shaking so bad, he thought it was going to catapult itself straight out of him.He fit his carry on in the overhead bin, dodging the leg Mars set for him to trip on. Honestly, it's just been a day but he's gotten used to his feint train antics. In the back of his mind, he could see what Riana meant by 'he's a softie on the inside' little bouts of kindness. Like when he taped up a picture of Venus he found in the trash, that Jules tore up in a fit of overwhelming sadness. So he knew, Marcus was not all asshole.But right now he didn't care. The plane hadn't even take
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Jules stood and let the rays of the afternoon sun blind him for a moment. Then everything came into focus.He stared at the matriculate furniture, feeling almost nostalgic. It was a different state, a different hospital room, a different incident. But the feeling was the same. The ache started in his throat from the accident a million years ago to his stomach which had fallen out.Venus didn't turn from the window she was staring out of and Jules didn't breathe. He didn't know when it happened. He didn't know when he sucked a huge breath in and decided there was no way he could let it out.Maybe it's because she looked small. Maybe it's because he could see her shoulder-blades which were sharp and pointy; bony. Just like the rest of her. Maybe it was because the hospital room felt more like a room; broken into, comfortable.The nausea building up in him vanished. When su
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Jules didn't realize how much was hidden from him until it was all out in the open.Venus had a bag of drugs, literally. She had a satchel full of drugs ranging from painkillers to what he liked to call—cancer pills.Most mornings she had to take a Carrie-standardized-test to determine whether she was strong enough to go to school. This usually involved (but not subjected only to) taking three trips down the stairs in quick succession. It looked like such a minor thing. So dumb.But today, Venus stumbled on the first try and when she went down. She couldn't get back up.His first instinct was to rush over. When he had watched her hand seize the railing with such a vicious grip. Somehow he just knew, that she was unraveling. And his legs were humming. But before he could even move everyone else was there. Carrie was touching her forehead. Chad was helping her up, even Merlin had
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Jules tied the laceson his shoes for the thirteenth time since they arrived. He can feel Lars's annoyance next to him like a suffocating fog."Do that again, and I'll knife you," he murmured.Jules visibly tensed before sitting up and pretending to straighten his tie. "I hate it when you go all gangster on me. You're my manager, not my dealer.""Old habits die hard," Lars replied with a wistful sigh.Jules glared at him completely forgetting the tightness in his chest for a second. "That's not funny.""Then stop acting so nervous. You have had book signings, interviews,fundraiserand much more. This isn't even your first book reading. You're used to this, so what's with all the nerves?"Confusion and heartache swirled suddenly inside his stomach. Twisting and dipping as he tried to find the words. "This is the first time I've been b
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Jules didn't realizehis couch was alive. Until now, that is.Before now, he wouldn't have had any reason to notice. After all, he barely spent up till an hour sitting on it. Since he didn't watch tv. No, he watched anime. In his room, on his laptop in HD.But Jules was laying on his couch now, he didn't know long it had been, a millennial was it felt like. But in reality it was probably a few hours, he wasn't sure though since time seemed to have lost its meaning. And the longer he stayed like this. The more certain he was over the discovery that; yes, his couch was actually alive.When it was touched, it moaned.When it was poked, it moaned.When it was disturbed, it moaned.It didn't breathe though, it couldn't. But that's okay, Jules couldn't breathe either. It didn't make him any less alive.Jules couldn't breathe,
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The whole family was in a cycle of perpetual happiness. That lasted for seven days, the time it took to prepare for the surgery.Jules had told Carrie first, and she cried and cried and cried. She held onto him so tight, kissing both his cheeks were also wet. Then he told Venus step-brothers and Merlin cried.And Jules was happy. Happy she wanted to live, try, stay and not just for him, but for her. It was something she had taught him. Months ago when the demons of his past hung around him like a dark shadow, a thick suffocating fog. When he felt responsible for two deaths and refused to die himself because he wanted to suffer.But things had changed and not just for him, for both of them. Jules and Venus had collided but they didn't destroy, they created.Even now, that's what they did."Are you okay?" Venus asked, but she wasn't really asking. She was just reading the words out of the pr
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After a moment, Julescut through the heavy silence that crashed landed in the room. "What on earth, is he saying?"When Venus didn't say anything. He realized all of a sudden that she had stopped crying. And somehow her silence was worse than the sound of her sobbing."He's joking, right?" His throat felt horribly tight.Tell me he's joking."I'm tired," she whispered. Like it was the answer to all his questions. And in a way it was. In a way, everything was turning crystal clear.She was quiet but he was loud. His breathing was loud, his heartbeat was loud, even his voice was loud. "You can't be serious?"But she was and he couldn't breathe. "I'm tired." She repeated again like he didn't hear her the first time. "I'm tired, Jules.""You're giving up? You want to die?!" He must be shouting, his ears were ringing and his throat was hurti
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Jules was screaming.This time he knew it was him. This time he knew that that horrible keening sound belonged to him. But even though he knew it, it didn't change that fact that he couldn't stop.It took him longer than it should to calm down. It took him longer than it should to stop breaking. It took him longer than it should to call 911. It took longer than it should for them to understand what he was saying. Because he was sure for a solid minute all he was saying wasmy planet is dying.God,bless the operator because she waited all past his ramblings. She must have realized that he sounded to broken for this to be a prank. So she waited calmly until he finally gave her actually facts other than;my planet is dying.Then Jules called Carrie as he held Venus. His hand on her chest taking tiny solace from the steady thumps of her heart. She was
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"Drop it over there, please," Marie said, pointing to the spot beside the dresser.Jules dropped the box. He wiped off the sweat accumulating at the top of his forehead and stretched. "That's the last of it." He said to her."Thanks, sweetie." She said. "You've been a huge help." The moving truck had just left. He had spent the whole afternoon helping Marie move her stuff into their house."It's okay," he replied, then pulled out a folded photograph and handed it to her. "When I was taking some boxes to Kenya's room. I tipped over the trash can by accident and found this inside."Marie's smile disappeared as she gazed at the photo of Kenya and her father. "Oh dear," she whispered tracing her daughter's smile in the picture with her finger. "She's still so angry at him."Jules folded his arms. "It's not like she doesn't have a reason to be." His voice was angry. "He
Quicksand Chapter 46
Venus was the firstthing Jules saw when he entered his Biology class.His mouth dropped open and she sat up a little straighter.He sat down and she said. "Surprise."Venus had started coming to school less and less until she stopped coming altogether. School became more boring than usual, a chore he had to get over with so he could rush home and see her. So seeing her here was a treat. Even with her skin so pale it was translucent, her tired eyes and her tired smile.He smiled at her and said, "I love you," as naturally as he would say 'hello'Her answering smile made his heart jump. He wanted to take a picture, but he restrained himself and took her hand instead.Mr. Alston was pleasantly surprised when he walked into class. He stood by the door for second taking her in, worry swirling in his eyes. But when Venus glanced at him, he looked away quic
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Marie pulled his head gently to her chest. Jules felt his self-restraint disappear as drops of moisture left his eyes. "Everyone," he whispered, "everyone has told me time and time again that it isn't my fault. And sometimes I believe them. But then sometimes I have these dreams-nightmares where she gets into the car and dies. Then my dad is shouting over and over that it is my fault. And there is blood on my hands, her blood because," his voice cracked, "I killed her.""No, Jules," she gasped, pulling him closer, tighter. "You can't actually believe that. You didn't kill your mother, she got in that car on her own free will. I bet if she were here even knowing the truth she'd still do it again. And as for your father, he loves you so much, you know that right?"Jules didn't say anything but his silence spoke volumes."Jules," disbelief colored her voice. "You can't still believe Jace doesn't love you. I
Quicksand Chapter 44
Jules tugged at his hair in frustration. "Damn, this is so hard."Venus touched the hand, clutching his hair. "It doesn't have to be."He shook his head vigorously and water droplets found its way to her. "I don't think I can do this.""Jesus, Jules, can you like not do that?" her face screwed up in what was supposed to be a disgusted look. But Jules found the crease of her nose too cute to take her seriously. "And please enough with the drama. We came here to swim, not to see you agonize yet again on how you're going to end your manga."Jules pouted, "You're so mean today."Venus rolled her eyes, but a small smile was already blossoming and he felt his chest swell at the sight. "I'm always mean.""True that," Merlin chirped from behind him. Jules turned to take in the sight, yet again of both their families having a fun day at the pool.
