Kabanata 0067

You can skip or continue reading this free chapter. This is an Open Letter to real "Miguel" from real "Ella". Wala po akong binago rito kahit isang word.

Everytime kasi na mag-uupdate ako ng bagong chapters, kung hindi kinikilig ay umiiyak si "Ella." Yesterday she was emotional after my last update. Although matagal na raw yung nangyari, naiiyak pa rin siya kapag naaalala niya yung darkest part ng buhay nila ni "Miguel." So I asked her to express her feelings through an open letter.

—---*****-------

Dearest Miguel,

When I think of the future we once dreamed of, the home we’d build, children we’d raise and the life we’d share, that moment I was already broken—battling a war inside me that no one else could see. I can’t bear the thought of watching you slowly fade in the shadows of my own shortcomings, that’s why I walked out that room that day. At kasabay ng paglabas ko ng pintuan na iyon ay ang pagbubukas ng isang makabagong yugto ng buhay mo sa piling ng babaeng akala ko ay para sayo, babaeng akala ko ay makapagbibigay sayo ng isang bagay na hindi ko kaya. And that broke me. It broke me more than anything I’ve ever known. But I couldn't keep thinking straight because I was torn between loving you and letting you go, na ang ang pilit na umuukilkil sa akin ay hindi ko kayang maging buo para sayo. That's why I let you go then, not because I wanted to, but because I loved you too much to keep you when I knew I couldn’t give you the life you deserved.

When I knew, deep down, that I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. I couldn’t be the woman who would stand beside you, build a family with you, and give you the future we always dreamed of. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, you deserved a family, you deserved children to call you “Dad”, a home filled with laughter and a partner who could hold your hand and face every challenge with you. I admit, I was the most coward yet brave person sa time na iyon dahil sa pagtalikod ko sayo. Mahirap iyon, masakit, walang kasing sakit. Maybe that’s the hardest part, I had to choose back then the future you deserved even if it meant living with the heartbreak of letting you go. Akala ko in time ok na, but again, I was wrong, I ended up a life like in a deep pit, desperate for light.

Wala kang pagkukulang Miguel. In fact, you’ve shown me love, so much love. Kaya kita pinakawalan noon, because I didn’t want to hold you back, to make you wait for something that might never come. That day, you asked me “Why”, my answer to that is because “I love you”, that I want the best for you even it meant breaking the whole of me. Then, I thought I could run, thought I could escape from this love and guilt that scared me more than anything in this world. But what I didn’t understand is that the more I ran, the more I left pieces of myself behind, pieces that I’ll never get back. If I could, I would take back every second of doubt, every tear you shed because of me, every lonely night you spent thinking of so many WHYs, wondering why I didn’t fight for you then. I would do it all over again, just to keep you from feeling that way.

Don’t ever think that I didn’t want to give you everything you wanted…I wanted it too. Kaya binitiwan kita noon dahil gusto kong ibigay sayo ang lahat, ang lahat lahat. You asked me if hindi ba kita mahal? Na may kulang ba sayo? Na wala man lang bang natitirang pagmamahal sa akin para sayo? My answer is, kulang ang mga salita para sabihin ko kung gaano kita minahal kaya lumabas ako ng pintuan na iyon noon na wala kang narinig. Honestly, I did try to fight but it was always through the pain of knowing I wasn’t the one who could give you that happiness which pulled me down and worst, crushed me into pieces—na alam kong ikaw lang ang makakabuo ulit.

I am so sorry, I still can’t help myself crying, kasi tanggap ko na noon na hindi na kita kayang hawakan, yakapin at mahalin, Dahil noong lumabas ako ng pintuang iyon, I let destiny speaks for us!