I Remember

I remember quite vividly how the rhythms of my heart surrendered itself to the war of my mind that throbbed to the words that day when Deimos had uttered. "Theia, this is my mate." He introduced smoothly whilst he turned and pointed at her.

I had finally surprised him with a visit just after a few days from our phone call but that was not what I had expected to be confronted with.

My eyes widened to his abrupt truth that hooked me off guard and turned questioning as to why he had not notified me of this prior to my arrival for if I had known I wouldn't have gone. His eyes began to sadden as he regarded me, he had not fancied the situation we were engulfed in.

He was faltering, her arrival had struck him deep. He was horribly terrified of his female. But there was nothing for him to be frightened of for he held a goddess in his hands.

Her hair held the rich colour of chestnuts, her lips were plump and glossy they reminded me of ripe cherries. Her eyes were a deep-set of bizarre grey unlike one I had ever seen. She possessed a long slim neck that seemed to glisten and shimmer under the blazing sun and her eyes they... intimidated. They expressed to me her essence before her mouth did, Alpha. I had never beheld such grace and beauty before, not even in my pack.

The way she carried herself, the way her globes penetrated mine with an ardent curiosity that indirectly threatened beneath. She was a queen. A true queen. Mother would adore her, that was a feeling that defeated me.

My heart tensed with the weight of her being, it tore apart little by little for she was everything Phobos wanted in me. She was everything I aspired to be as a pup. I ached to rush back home that day for she showed me whom I was supposed to be, she revealed to me how cowardly and timid I was. She explicated my unworthiness that moment my eyes met hers.

"Hello, I am Theia. It is wonderful to finally meet you." I whispered with an urge to flee her sharp greys, it was as though I was conversing with a female version of Phobos and that instilled fierce despair within me. She had beamed kindly at my words and all I could think of was how gorgeous her smile was. She was everything I was not and I just knew she would confirm this to me for the days of my sojourn.

I had adhered myself to Deimos that time as I regularly did whilst she had snuggled with her group of females. I envied her, she held so many females as hers who supported her and provided her warmth. And I possessed none like them. Perhaps if I did I would have been able to walk that sharp road a little stronger.

The subsequent morning after that fateful day, I went on a jog with Deimos. I detested training of course but only sparring or hunting that went with it. I treasured jogging and running for it served to clear my mind, I felt defended by nature when I did.

"Your female is very appealing, you must be happy. And she is an Alpha, Deimos!" I wheezed whilst I ran by his side as I attempted to keep up with his pace. He scoffed as though he had found my words to be amusing. He had not approved of them.

"She cannot be Alpha here on my lands, Theia." He responded with a fierceness as though he possessed a vile taste upon the tip of his tongue.

"You must learn to love her, Deimos." I sought to reason with him but he did not grasp in my opinion. They died upon deafened ears.

"Never. I could never dare to be weak again." He spat out his vulgar words at me. I was not able to understand his truth for his desires varied profoundly from his brother's.

I remember that ominous day I thought I would vanish within the Alpha female's unyielding hands.

"Would you like to have some tea with me in my room?" I had questioned her meekly whilst she had observed me with inquisitive eyes. She often seemed to resemble a pup to me. I found her adorable at times.

"It is great to finally meet you." I initiated and drove our conversation, I was invariably friendly with females. I wanted to be her companion as she was the first who had not seen me with mean or envious eyes. I admired that in her. "You are more beautiful than I imagined." I had uttered my truth, she was absolutely gorgeous. "And I still cannot believe you were an Alpha," I whispered my cheeks burned with shyness as I spoke to her. I was complimenting her.

"Are an Alpha. I will always be an Alpha." Her flesh had tensed to my words. Deimos had told me that she couldn't be Alpha on his lands so I had assumed that was the case but I realised she felt different to him. My eyes widened to her wolf that stood haughtily behind her orbs whilst she analyzed my worth to speak with her.

I swayed with melancholy. Why did every wolf hold me only for my potential worth? Why did no wolf wish to comprehend me for whom I truly was? I had deemed within.

"Of course. I have something to show you." I said to her whilst I picked up a photo of Deimos and me that I permanently cached upon my shelf. I wanted her to see her male when he was a pup for I knew she would cherish that. I wanted to make her smile. "This is Deimos and me when we were pups."

She had jerked the picture from my hands in a hurry as I beamed at her considerately whilst she astonishingly analyzed the photo. I wished Deimos had apprised me earlier of her presence for I would have brought her all the ones I possessed of him if it made her that content.

"Who took the picture?" She questioned with a profound curiosity that confined her. Deimos hadn't familiarised her with his past, she made me recognise that.

My orbs became depressed to her inquiry and with a dejected sigh, I gave her the truth for she possessed the right to know."His parents took it, this was the last time we saw them."

"What? Why? What happened?" She interviewed me whilst she sprang up in her seat her globes wary of the revelation I was going to pass to her. Perhaps Deimos would have been cross with me if he learnt that I discoursed of his past to her but I did not worry. She was his female, she deserved to know this at least.

"They died. They passed away in an accident when Deimos turned ten. That is why we are pretty close, Deimos and I. He lived with us for a while until he was mature enough to move out back here and sit on his throne." Her eyes disheartened to my truth, she was a genuine female the right one for Deimos for I noticed she felt for him.

I was thrilled for them as I thought Deimos would then own moral support who would have persisted by him in his every trial and tribulation.

"Oh, I did not know that." As she peered back at the picture I could not help but reflect if she knew just how blessed she was to be claimed by Deimos as his for there I was stranded on an island, my male who had forsaken me remote from my heat.

"I know Deimos does not talk much but give him time, he will come around. Until then if you need anything I am here." I comforted her in her struggle, I wanted to be that friend she had when she found herself to be abandoned by him. For I needed a female like that myself and I concluded that I shall be one for her.

But I did not know what wickedness I had committed for in a matter of mere hours, I was being strangled to my grave by her mighty limbs as I strived to breathe.

"Well aren't you quite the liar, Theia? Friends you say but lovers you are. You lie to my face and you dare sit on my throne. You have the guts, I'll give you that." She roared with a savageness that alarmed me to the pit of my core, my life was in her hands. Lovers? Deimos and I? I did not know who had fed her with falsehoods and stories but somehow I believed I earned her madness.

Deimos and I were constantly aware of the rumours of our relationship that circulated among wolves like wildfire that encompassed us. But we never truly fretted about it for we knew the truth and we committed no wrongdoing.

I carried my fondness for him for I valued him as a true friend and sometimes I imagined him to be Phobos. But whilst his female endeavoured to take my life, I knew I should have annihilated the fabricated tales for I saw her bleed just like I was.

Her infuriated betrayed eyes lingered on the ring I wore merrily on my finger. It is not what you think. It means nothing. It is a mere gift. I craved to tell her and relieve her of her grief but how could I when my throat was being pulverised little by little.

I deemed if I departed right then and there would Phobos appear to say his farewell for then at least I would have received a glimpse at him which would have briskly assuaged my grievous yearning. I thought I could die there with no cares for I was already dead within.

"Put her down now!" Deimos screamed with tremendous violence as he awoke with a remorseless barbarity to what she was doing to me. "Let her go, mate! Now! What the hell are you doing?" Yet his words seemed to not affect his female, she was a headstrong queen who desired to take out a mere spineless threat to her bond. Phobos would have admired her, his pack would have found her worthy.

"Have you ever wondered how it will feel like to see the face of death? Would you like me to show you, Theia? I will do the honours." She clasped my throat tighter as the beats of my heart began to cease. As I grappled to breathe all I could discern at that time were ocean blue eyes that stood in front of me with a bothersome clarity despite my foggy dissolving surrounding.

Even at the time of my death, all I could reminisce of was my moon blessed and that drove the blade he had plunged in my heart a little deeper. Whilst I clawed at her wrists trying to just hold onto something beneath my blurry eyes, my heart throbbed vigorously with the confined agony of my soul.

I at least wanted to be able to announce my farewell to Phobos as the moon welcomed me into her gates. I thought he would be relieved to know that I had died. I begged the moon to grant me this.

As though she hearkened to my appeal, my throat was set free as I fell brutally to the ground writhing backwards from the female who aspired to slay me. "Do not hurt her, Deimos. Let her go." I wheezed tortuously my chest heaved with wildness as I witnessed the hatred he held in his eyes for her as though he perceived her to be sickening.

Her pain was mine. Stop. Let her go. I ached to shriek at him who hauled her firmly away from me but my throat was ripped raw from the inside, no wolf could hear my call.

I remember the cautious way Deimos kept scrutinising his female and Cronus whilst we all took a day off to travel to the nearby marketplace.

That was the very first time I had ever beheld such a look in his eyes. I was immensely surprised for I had never seen him study any other that way. It was as though he craved her but he also did not simultaneously. She intrigued him.

But he at least glanced at her, there I was with a moon blessed who did not even want to offer me a tiny glimpse of yearning.

Deimos's greens followed his female like a forgotten pup wherever she went, she did not notice it though. "You desire her," I spoke to him whilst leisurely examining some anklets that were on display being traded.

"I do not." He replied to me still not withdrawing his eyes off her while she casually shopped with my brother. They both had gotten quite close to each other, I had not foreseen that.

"Do not lie to me, Deimos," I murmured with a trace of irritation. His eyes revealed to me his truth whilst his mouth spoke deceits, I knew him very well he was not able to deceive me.

"I am not." He uttered as he eventually turned to meet my eyes.

"This is not right, what you are doing. You are hurting her." I whispered leniently to him, I wanted him to understand the rigour of his actions for he must know what goes around comes around.

"How do you know?"

"Trust me. I would know better than any wolf. Be gentle with her, be kind with her heart. She is a good female, she does not deserve your wrath. She has committed no sin against you." I advised but it appeared as though it was being received by unhearing ears.

"She wants me to love her. Care for her, be there for her." He growled lowly with a distaste for she asked him for everything he detests, everything he declared he would never do to another after his parents died. She merely asked him what she deserves.

"Then you try Deimos. You are being unkind. Try harder with her." I muttered as I smiled at the vendor and thanked him for showing me the anklets.

"What do you want me to do, Theia?" He sighed as though he found my words to be exhausting, as though I had him to fetch the stars for her.

"Talk with her tonight when we return to the castle." He groaned audibly with lethargy whilst his shoulders sagged with defeat. He found the task to be tiresome and unnecessary. "Answer me." I urged him my eyes earnest as I firmly waited for his reply.

"All right, I shall." He promised me with a curt nod as I beamed up at him, pleased that he will abide by my counsel.

"Good, now buy me ice cream as a gift for my help." I chuckled whilst I tugged on his sleeve as I tenderly pleaded with him. He was keen to do so with no hesitance and bought me a small cone.

I assumed it was a good day for we all relished it. I was delighted that Deimos took my advice as he carried his female up to his room for she had slept peacefully on the ride back home. But I was mistaken, it would not be a good day for me.

Cronus seized me brutally by my wrist and hauled me insensitively behind him. He was enraged with me as if I had committed an enormous sin.

"You are hurting me, Cronus." I whimpered painfully as he led me to the open fields, his chest heaved with his fury. I was frightened and intimidated by him for the first time for he had never treated me that way.

"What have you done?" His voice was calm but I knew just how agitated he was with me.

"I d-do not understa-" I had begun to plead my case but he was determined not to listen to me as he took his theories and beheld them as the terminal truth.

"No! Do not act innocent with me. Are you truly lovers with Deimos? Do you not comprehend you are cutting that female apart with your actions? She is a good female, Theia. She does not deserve this! I did not foresee this from you. You are shameful." His palms which gripped my shoulders with a savagery that shook me with wrath had not stung compared to the criticism he held in his eyes. The fact that he believed those rumours than his beloved sister pierced me.

My lips quivered and tears flooded my vision. My heart once more had been torn apart not by my male this time but by my brother. The one I had trusted with the entirety of my soul. He was the only wolf I could truly call mine, but he also had deserted me. I knew I was then entirely alone.

I wondered what he saw me as that moment as he continued to shake my body unsparingly. I wondered if he saw me as a whore? Or if he saw me to be unworthy just like Phobos did?

Why do all males choose other females but theirs? Be it their moon blessed, their friend or their sister? I succumbed to myself as I screamed my lungs out as though I suddenly went mad for my soul mourned and bled mercilessly. I wailed as though a wolf I held dear was slaughtered in front of my eyes. I was sick of it, I was sick of everything. I detested the hell I called my life.

Cronus was startled, his eyes widened as he ceased his actions. "T-Thei-" He began to perhaps see that the suspicions he held were not the truth.

"Take your hands off me. I-Is this how you regard me as? I am your sister, Cronus. Do you think I would ever go against the moon?" I was unable to articulate well, the desolation of my heart consuming me strenuously.

His eyes shut closed with the overwhelming guilt of his actions and words that flooded him raw.

"I just thought that you might have done... I am sorry, Theia. Forgive me."

My inanimate eyes inspected him as he hurriedly urged me to pardon him of his antics. Wolves always found me easy, I never held grudges. I always forgave promptly and I was simple to deal with. But I wanted to be valued and respected, to be taken seriously for once.

"I call you my brother no more. Goodnight, Cronus." I whispered as heavy faint sobs quaked my body as I whirled around and stepped unsteadily towards my room.

"You do not mean that, Theia. I was mistaken. I am sorry, I will never do it again. Theia!" Cronus implored from behind me but I kept trudging forward not paying heed to him. I despised him at that moment.

When I arrived at my room I gazed down from the terrace I stood at with swollen red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. The cold earth seemed to beckon me somehow that day as I felt forgotten and so very alone. I had wondered if I should jump. I had wondered if I killed myself would I perhaps be finally able to rest in peace?

I remember the day I had given up on everything and everyone. Deimos had organised a small ball in his castle and for the first time in a very long time, I was quite excited. I had something to look forward to, a fairytale night where I could detach myself from my worries.

When night had indeed come and the ball was in full swing, I sought after Deimos hoping that spending the event with him would ease my discomfort. He never missed making me laugh. I needed him at that moment, as a friend. As my companion, I could lean on.

But when I wandered into that hall all I could behold were two mates intensely in love, lips devouring the other with a fiery passion. I recalled experiencing that when I was eighteen with my male. It was their moment. A beautiful one to witness at that.

Beneath the dim room with neon lights, Deimos resembled my moon blessed from a distance and the scene I discovered in front of my eyes consumed me. Is this what Phobos might be doing these days? Kissing other females? The thought of it I could not digest as I marched out the hall to acquire some much needed fresh air.

I was in utter turmoil and there was no wolf to aid or comfort me. "Theia!" Deimos's unexpected soothing voice summons me as I heave with relief swiftly shifting to greet him.

"Deimos. I d-do not feel so good. I-" I began to tell him of my sickness yet he had his own he wished to deliver unhesitantly.

"I think it is best you return home with Cronus." He said to me unflinching, his voice firm and strong that pricked at my skin pitilessly.

"W-Why?" I stuttered. Had I done something? I questioned myself.

"She feels threatened by you. I do not know why but she cannot handle you being here. I am considering perhaps she came to find out you were meant to be my Luna if I did not locate her." He replied portraying his unhappiness about the overall circumstance we were suffocating in that day.

"That was just a temporary decision so I could help you with the pack until you obtained her, there is no need for her to fret. Did you tell her this? You must ease her worries, Deimos."

"I haven't. But I shall. I am sorry, Theia. You understand my reasons yes?" He questioned softly as I offered him a smile of understanding to ease his guilt if he held any.

"Yes of course. Do not worry, I will leave tomorrow the earlier the best. Now, go back in Deimos. Your female must be upset you chased after me. Go comfort her." I told him with a curt nod as he agreed with gratitude as he hastily turned and ran to his mate.

As I regarded his fleeting back the reality of it all sank me in the vast oceans. I had lost all three of the males I held dear to my heart.

I remember the last day of my visit in Deimos's pack. I peered up at the castle and remiscined of my childhood. How excited I was to run down the path to meet Phobos and Deimos. How everything had evolved so quickly and suddenly. A change I despised with the entirety of my heart. I felt powerless to do anything so I stood in front of that castle and said my farewell unobtrusively to it.

I knew I would no longer be welcomed there, that was not what I had wanted. But it was bound to unfold. As I entered the kitchen to grab a quick bite his loving voice beckoned me.

"Theia." His call was faint and delicate.

"Do not talk to me, Cronus." A low growl I offered him conferring condemnation of his actions. I did not want to chat with him.

"I shall leave with you today." He whispered as he sauntered to my side attempting to reconcile with me.

"Do whatever you please." My voice was bitter and emotionless as I disregarded his existence.

"Talk to me."

"I do not want to," I spoke with a cruelness, that was so unlike the genuine Theia.

"Why are you upset? You can always return here." He knew the cause of my upsetness. The news did travel fast those times.

"No, I cannot!" I squeezed his arm tightly as I pointed up at the ceiling. "This was my castle as a pup, this was my true home it contains everything I hold dear to me. Each memory I treasure is imprinted within. These walls were my paradise. But now it is not mine anymore. Neither the castle nor the male my soul grieves for. This castle is theirs now and I am not welcome." I pointed towards Deimos and his female as Cronus speedily clutched me in a tight embrace striving to calm my storm.

"I will bring you here again, I promise." He said. But I knew it would take years for it to happen, something in me just vocalised the truth as soon as he had announced his promise.

Later that day whilst I sat in that car as Cronus drove us away from the castle, I sent a petition to the moon asking her to deliver me from my anguish. To bring forth happiness and serenity for the years that would come where I could prevail without the need to have my male or any wolf by my side. Where I could survive being alone.

And I remember that with time she answered me.

~~~

A/N

Hello, my little wolves,

Hope you liked this chappy!

The next chappy will be the beginning of the 'present' timeline! As I have warned before it will be a very heartfelt and emotional book but it shall also be empowering. 

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