As the quarter continued on, I found myself becoming immersed in schoolwork. It was a welcome distraction, what with the whole “living down the hallway from my baby daddy” thing. Every day when I came home from class, I passed by Lochlann’s apartment. More than once, I’d stood outside his door, my fist lifted to knock, only for me to chicken out and scamper home.Lochlann had been distant lately. He’d been attentive as much as he could be, but whenever I’d try to talk about anything other than the baby or mundane things like the weather, he’d immediately change the subject. Anything that alluded to me and him becoming an us was especially touchy.I knew we couldn’t be a couple. I knew that, and yet what I wanted refused to match up with what I knew was logical. I’d always prided myself on my ability to be practical, logical. Scientific. The data told me the fallout from being open about our relationship would be worse than being together would be good.I knew that. I’d even written
I woke up to the smell of coffee. Groaning, my bladder protesting, I wondered who could be making coffee when I remembered: Lochlann. Last night. Sex.Oh. My. God.I blushed like an idiot as the memories flooded back. I’d thrown myself at him like some shameless hussy and he’d called my bluff. We’d had sex twice more during the night, completely insatiable for each other.I glanced at my phone; it was still early in the morning. Thankfully, my report that I’d neglected last night wasn’t due until later that afternoon.After I peed, brushed my teeth, and attempted to get the knots out of my hair, Lochlann was already sitting in my living room.“I made you some coffee,” he said, as if I hadn’t already smelled it from my bedroom.I sat down next to him and sighed happily. “My one indulgence I’m allowed to have.”Lochlann watched me as I sipped my coffee, as if he’d never seen someone like me before. I had to restrain myself from hiding behind my hair.Finally, he
I’d never been one to work on my research with anyone else, unless I had to for some reason. I preferred to work alone, without the chatter of another person filling my ear. One time, when Sophie and I had first started dating, I’d brought her to the lab to see me work, but it had ended in a fight on the way home.You ignored me the entire time! she’d accused.I was working!I should’ve known at that point that things between us weren’t going to work out. Sophie needed more from me than I could give her. She wanted the kind of undivided attention that simply wasn’t possible from someone like me.Sophie had never understood why I’d found biofuels more interesting than her. I’d tried on more than one occasion to explain exactly what my research entailed, but she’d yawned and told me she had no idea what I was talking about.How had we dated for so long? I thought to myself. We were obviously incompatible.After Sophie had thrown her engagement ring in my face, she’d started dating
When I returned home to my apartment, I couldn’t bear to stay there. Seeing Lochlann’s particular brand of tea on my counter, his toothbrush in my bathroom, even the faded scent of him on one of my pillows, was painful.Grabbing my things, I headed straight to my old place, hoping that Naoko wouldn’t mind the sudden intrusion.Isn’t it kind of cowardly to sneak out without trying to speak with him one more time? my more logical side argued.I wasn’t in the mood to try to talk to him like a mature adult. If he thought I was some stupid child, then I’d prove him right. I was apparently much too dense to understand all the complex ideas rolling around in his brilliant, manly mind.I grabbed the key I’d meant to return to Naoko, just in case she was out. I texted her right before I left, but as I drove over to her place, I hadn’t yet gotten a response.When I arrived at Naoko’s, I knocked. Then knocked a second time. When no one answered, I unlocked the door and found my former roomma
After the incident in the lab, Kate began to avoid me. I’d text her, but she’d respond hours later. At one point, she’d gone silent for so long that I’d banged on her door, terrified something was wrong. She’d looked at me like I was insane.“Why aren’t you answering your phone?” I demanded, wincing internally at how I sounded.“Because I’m busy? I have work to do, too, you know.” Her eyes were sad for a moment before she added, “If you don’t actually need anything...”Then she shut the door in my face.It didn’t help that I was torn between confronting Liz and hoping she hadn’t seen anything. When days passed and nothing happened, I could almost believe it had been a false alarm. She would’ve gone to the dean already. If she waited too much longer, she’d have to wait until after the Thanksgiving holiday. Apparently Americans took their turkey and football very seriously.Yet Kate avoiding me gave me a bad taste in my mouth. As Thanksgiving approached, she only became icier to me.
I knew what I needed to do, but that didn’t make it any easier. A week before Thanksgiving, I emailed Lochlann as my advisor to meet with me in his office. I needed a neutral place, one where we both remembered that he was a professor and I was his student.Not lovers. Not soon-to-be parents. What we should’ve been all along: professionals working alongside each other.If you’re wondering if I gave Dr. Martin Lochlann’s research, the answer is: fuck no. I wasn’t about to let her win. I didn’t fully understand what she was after, but it didn’t matter. Her bitchery wasn’t going to ruin Lochlann’s life because of me.When I arrived at Lochlann’s office, it was a few minutes earlier than our appointment. Feeling restless, I began to walk down the hallway when I heard Lochlann’s voice.“Please don’t forget to work on your projects over holiday,” he was saying to his class. He was at the front, his shirtsleeves pushed up his arms, his hair a little wild. Clearly he’d been teaching a live
Today was the day: would I re-watch A Prince for Christmas or A Christmas Queen? I’d already watched both five times already. Considering it was the week after Thanksgiving, there wasn’t much to do besides watch Christmas movies and feel sorry for myself.“Kate, are you seriously watching this again?” Mari stood in front of the TV to block my view of the opening scene of A Christmas Queen.To be specific, her bellywas big enough to completely block out her and Liam’s gigantic TV on the wall.“You said I wasn’t allowed to watch Rick and Morty at your place anymore,” I complained, “so it’s going to be all Christmas movies for the next month.”“Kate.” Mari sounded serious now.“You’re going to make me miss the opening scene.”It started with the soon-to-be queen, Kelly, accidentally tripping on a tree root and falling right into the unmarried king’s path. Classic.Mari grabbed the remote from me and turned off the TV. I scowled up at her. Weren’t older sis
It started raining as I walked home. I’d forgotten to bring an umbrella, but I didn’t mind getting wet. It felt good in a strange way, the cold and the damp. It made me feel slightly less numb. It reminded me that I hadn’t died even though it felt a bit like I had.Yes, I’d turned into a sad sack of depressing shite. I’d soon start writing poetry and crying to Celine Dion songs if I weren’t careful. But it didn’t help that there were reminders of Kate everywhere: a pair of socks she’d left in my flat; a note she’d written me that said UR A SEXY BEAST; and the flat she’d left over two weeks ago.Sometimes I stood in front of her door, where she no longer lived, as if by force of will I could summon her back.I’d since returned to teaching, throwing myself into my job. I went in early and stayed late. I took on things in the department that no one else wanted to do simply to avoid going home. Yet every time I went into my office, the memories of the last time I’d seen Kate were always