We haven’t known each other that long. We’ve only slept together a handful of times. We’re not even dating properly.I can’t have fallen in love with him.I blink and realize he’s looking at me because someone’s asked me a question, and they’re all waiting for me to answer. “Sorry, what?”He grins. “Saxon asked you who you’re interviewing next on your podcast.”“Oh shit, sorry.” I try to bump-start my brain and steer it away from the thought of saying I do to Kip Chevalier. “I’m talking to the guy who wrote the Ruffpunk series on Wednesday.”“I haven’t read that,” Saxon says.“I have,” Kip tells him. “You’d love it. It’s a historical fantasy set in a Tudor steampunk world, where Shakespeare invents a new form of magic using poetry and casts spells with his words. It’s fantastic, and it’s won loads of awards. It’s quite a coup to get the author on.”“I’ll definitely listen in,” Saxon says. “I’d like to read that.”“She did an AMA on Reddit,” Kip says. “She had so many questions.”“Most
KipMy heart is banging on my ribs, but I make myself sit still as I study Alice’s face in the semi-darkness while she strokes my cheek.I don’t like her talking about this being our last night together, but I’m not yet sure what I can do about it, and the answer isn’t going to come to me sitting in the car. I’m wasting valuable time that could be spent in bed. All I can do is show her how I feel about her, and hope that she misses me so much she can’t bear to be apart from me.I study her mouth and watch her lips part and the tip of her tongue emerge to moisten them. She’s right that I’ve tried to be gentle after she told me how she was so unused to being with a man. I felt more than a tad guilty that I shocked her, and so I’ve spent the past couple of days taking my time to make love to her, and reining in the darker desires that threaten to rise when she’s in my arms. But her words,Give me everything you’ve got, make me instantly hard.Unbuckling myself, I shift in the seat to face
AliceI’m already regretting teasing him like that. As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt him stiffen. I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about this ending tonight. And I suppose that’s fair enough—why spoil the last hours we have together? Still, I’m not quite sure why he’s glowering.“Are you angry with me?” I ask as we get to his bedroom.“No.” He shucks his boxer-briefs, his erection jutting toward me, apparently eager for some action. “I’m just conscious we’ve got a lot to get through.”“What do you mean?”He pulls the duvet off the bed and tosses it onto the floor. “You told me that if you ever dated someone for real, you didn’t want to look like a fool.”“Yes… but—”“I promised I’d show you everything I know so you’re ready for when you meet that other man.” His eyes gleam.I give him a wry look. “Kip…”“Get on the bed,” he says.My eyes widen. His lips curve up, just a tiny bit.He points at the bed.“All right,” I mutter, and I climb on.“Not like that,” he says as I go
KipI’m not sure what happened at the end there. I’d held my climax in for so long that I was shaking with the sheer effort of not coming. And when I did, I think I actually shifted into an alternate dimension. Or maybe I died for a few seconds before being hauled back into this world blinking like a new babe. Whatever happened, it felt as if it went on forever, and now I feel faint and exhausted and dizzy and elated all rolled into one.“You sucked me dry,” I tell Alice. “I must look all desiccated and withered like an Egyptian mummy.”She giggles and strokes my face. “You’re a god in the bedroom. I’m the luckiest girl in the world.”I lower onto my elbows—carefully, shakily, afraid of collapsing on top of her and then suffocating her because I’m unable to move—and kiss her. A slow, luxurious, heart-achingly tender kiss now all my passion and energy is spent.Then I lift my head and look at her. “Don’t go,” I say.Her expression softens as if she’s been expecting this. “Kip…”“Stay an
I shake my head. My chest is hurting so much that for a moment I wonder whether the coronary I foretold earlier has actually come to pass. But it’s just my throat muscles clenching, locked in a spasm of grief that I fight to hold in.I don’t know whether she truly meant that, or if she said it to make both of us feel better. It must be the latter? Surely I’m not the only one here who’s fallen in love?I look into her eyes. They plead with me not to say it. And they shine with all the emotion she’s trying to hold in.Clearly, I’m not the only one.There is no obvious solution. The path ahead is blocked by brambles, and I can’t see my way clear. I can’t control this situation, any more than I could control what happened with Christian. For the first time in years, panic rises inside me at my impotence, a word no man ever wants to encounter.I take a deep, shaky breath, and blow it out slowly. Alice has feelings for me, and I need to take consolation from that, and hope that the way ahea
AliceKip’s voice breaks, right at the end. Rain dances on the windscreen, and the light that comes through it casts a reflection of the rivulets over his face. It makes it look as if he’s crying. He’s not, but I can see he’s very emotional.We sit silently for a moment, just listening to the rain. Although I know it would still be incredibly hard, in the long run it would be easier for me if we parted now, and we agreed not to talk again.But looking at him, it’s impossible not to think back to last night, and that moment when he trembled with passion because he wanted me so badly. I don’t want to lose him either. And I can’t bring myself to insist.“All right,” I say softly. “I’ll message you later.”The relief on his face almost makes me cry. “Thank you,” he says, and he kisses me again.“I’d better go now.” I give him a quick hug, then get out of the car, pulling the hood of my jacket up over my hair.Despite the rain, he gets out too and takes my case out of the boot for me. Then
AliceI stare at my mother. “We haven’t said that to each other. I haven’t known him that long, Mum.”“Okay, let me rephrase it. Are youinlove with him?”Totally. Crazily. Head-over-heels.“I’m trying not to think about it,” I reply.“Why?”“Mum…”“I know you don’t want to have this conversation,” she says, “but we’re going to have it.”Something twists inside me. “Please, don’t.”“Alice, you’re a sweet, sweet girl. I know how much you’ve given up to look after me. You’ve missed out on the end of your schooling, on university life, on having a normal job, and on dating.”“I don’t want—”“Alice,” she says firmly, and I close my mouth. “Please, let me speak. I haven’t argued with you because, well, I haven’t really had an option. I can’t live on my own, and we haven’t had the money to pay for someone to look after me.”“And you’d hate that anyway.”“I can’t deny that. And of course, maybe most importantly, I love having you home. You’re the light of my life, sweetheart. You have a beaut
My phone buzzes in the pocket of my jeans. I roll onto my back and, wiping my eyes, take it out.Kip:Has Charlie gone? How are you doing?I sigh.Me:Yes, she’s gone. I’m okay.I hesitate before I send it. It would be best if I didn’t tell him about our conversation, but it’s at that moment that I realize he’s the closest thing to a best friend that I have, and I miss him, and I want to talk to him.Me: I just had an argument with Mum. Well, a disagreement, anyway.Kip: Aw, sweetheart. What about?Me: I’m sure you can guess.Kip: Ah. I’m so sorry.Me: She feels bad, and I don’t know what to say to her. She wants me to have a normal life, and we both know that’s impossible.Kip: Maybe. Maybe not.My shoulders sag.Me: I don’t want to argue with you as well.Kip: We’re not arguing, we’re discussing. It’s what couples do.That makes my breath catch in my throat.Me: We’re not a couple.Kip: You can deny it all you like. The fact is that I want to be with you and you want to be with me. We
June 21st (two months later)KipIt’s the winter solstice, exactly six months after I met Alice, and Mum and Dad’s house is full of people who’ve come to celebrate the renewal of Saxon and Catie’s vows and their baby-naming ceremony. Saxon sprung a wedding on her after Christmas while they were on holiday, because he wanted to marry her but knew she’d be overwhelmed by having to say her vows in front of lots of people. However, six months have gone by now, and she’s settled down a lot, to the extent that when he suggested they combine a naming ceremony with a vow renewal ceremony, she jumped at the idea.Dad’s twin brother, Brandon, and my aunt, Jenny, are chatting to Mum and Alice’s mum. Penny has been spending a lot of time with Mum, and I’m so pleased that they genuinely seem to get on well. Penny’s holding one of Catie’s twins and Mum’s holding the other, and the two of them are clearly enjoying themselves.Kennedy’s helping Catie get ready. Her husband, Jackson, with baby Eddie, i
He holds out a hand to me. “Let’s go outside.”Meekly, my head whirling, I let him pull me up and lead me out into the garden. It’s dark now, and a couple of moths are fluttering around the kitchen window, but there’s enough light for us to see each other clearly, and it’s not cold.Still standing, he turns me to face him. “What do you think?” he asks.“I don’t know what to say. I… I’m ashamed Mum feels that Charlie and I didn’t listen to her. She’s right of course. I was determined to make the sacrifice because I thought it was what I should do. But she is still my mother, and she deserves to have a say in it.”I look down at where he’s holding my hands. “But it’s not easy. It would be a huge change for her to move, and I know that change is one thing she really struggles with. When anything big happens, it always makes her unwell.”“That’s fair enough, but we’d make sure we did it in small steps so it didn’t become too overwhelming.” He lifts my hands and kisses my fingers. “Whateve
I glance at Charlie, a little ashamed. She looks back at me, her lips twisting.“I don’t think it occurred to either of you to ask me what I want,” Mum says. “And every time I tried to talk about it, you shut me down.”I stare at her, horrified. Is that true? I suppose it is. She did try to say she wanted to find a solution that would mean neither of us would have to give up the men in our lives, but we both steamrollered over her, insisting we weren’t going to cave.“When I talked to Kip, though,” Mum continues, “he said, ‘What do you want?’ I was so touched I nearly cried.”I glance at him, but he’s looking at her, his lips curving up behind his fingers.Mum looks at me. “As I said, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. But I’m not going to let either of you pass up on the chance of happiness with the man of your dreams for me. Alice!” She snaps as I open my mouth. “Please!”I close my mouth again, shocked at her sharp tone.“I know that over the years you’ve had to step up an
AliceI’m absolutely shattered.Charlie’s revelation yesterday threw all three of us into a whirlwind of heightened emotions, and it’s been very difficult to stop them spinning us around.Mum went to bed early last night, exhausted from the whole thing, and the two of us stayed up until very late, checking on her from time to time, both frightened of leaving her alone.“We have to sort this,” Charlie told me at one point, long after the sun had set. “We can’t keep doing this to her.”“I know that,” I snapped. But I couldn’t see a way clear through the thick forest of our problems.In the end, both of us were so tired and irritable and upset that we decided to sleep on it and talk again the next day.I lay awake for about an hour, thinking about Kip, missing him, and feeling miserable, and fighting with myself because he’s my best friend, and I wanted to call him and talk it over with him, and I couldn’t. Eventually I crashed out, slept too long, and I’ve woken with a headache, grouchy
I sigh. “Shit.”“Yeah. She was so happy, and I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. I kept thinking about the baby, and I knew I had to try and make a go of my marriage for the baby’s sake. So I stayed. I told Renée I couldn’t see her again. She texted me occasionally, but we didn’t meet up. I tried, I really did. But Chloe had morning sickness for the first few months, and after that she just didn’t want sex—she said it felt weird while she was pregnant. And then the baby was born, and even a few months after, she still wasn’t interested. I tried to be understanding, and accept she was tired and probably sore, but… I know it makes me a terrible person, but I just kept thinking about how Renée wanted me, and how good she made me feel… And then one day she contacted me again and asked to see me. And I’m only human, Kip. I was lonely, and I know it sounds pathetic and childish and makes me an arsehole, but I was angry with Chloe for not wanting me, and for not taking my needs into acco
KipAfter my long phone call with Penny, I send a text to Sam, the pilot of the Knight Sky, then take my laptop out onto the deck and spend half an hour browsing and jotting down some notes until the doorbell goes. I answer it to find Craig standing there. To my relief, there’s no sign of Renée. I’m tempted to say, ‘So she let you out on your own, then?’ but I manage to restrain myself.“Jesus,” he says, staring at my eye, “what happened to you?”“Don’t ask,” I reply wryly. “Come in.” I stand back and let him pass, close the door, and follow him down the steps. “You want a coffee?”He shrugs. “Okay.”I take it as a sign that he’s planning to stay at least long enough to have a drink, and turn on the machine. “Thanks for coming,” I say as I start the espresso pouring. “I wasn’t sure you’d agree to it.” I glance at him. “Was Renée okay with you coming?” I’m genuinely curious, as I was convinced she’d arrive with him.He sits on one of the barstools and scratches at a mark on the counter.
He puts his arm around her. “It’s amazing,” he says softly. “Thank you.” The last ounce of resentment has vanished from his eyes.“They’re lovely gifts,” Mum tells me. “Well done.”One of the babies—Liam, I think, because he’s wearing red—stirs in the cot, waving his tiny fists in the air.“Can I pick him up?” I ask, and Catie wipes her eyes and nods..“Of course.”I lift the baby out and walk beneath the umbrella so he doesn’t have the sun in his eyes.“Hey, little fella,” I murmur, and he looks up at me with his big blue eyes. He smells sweet, of milk and talcum powder, and when I stroke his cheek with a finger, he grabs it and tries to suck it. I chuckle and look at Saxon, who’s watching me with a smile.I feel a huge swell of relief. It’s the first step to putting things right with the people I love, and it feels damn good.I just hope I can do something similar with Craig and Alice.*I stay for another hour, drinking my coffee and chatting to my family. Then, just before midday,
KipI read it several times, then send it.It’s time to head over to my parents’ house. Dad bought each of us a breathalyzer when we were younger so we could make sure we weren’t over the limit after a few drinks. I haven’t used it for a while as I don’t tend to drink at all when I’m driving, but I take it out of the cupboard and blow into it, relieved to find I’m well under.Taking the presents with me, I get into the Merc and head out into the sunny morning.When I pull up at the house, Saxon’s Aston is already there, gleaming in the sunshine. I pick up the parcels and make my way inside, my stomach fluttering. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the need to apologize for bad behavior.As I pass the kitchen I see Mum there, talking to Pamela as they load a tray with cups of coffee. They both look over as I stop and walk in. Pamela gives a wry smile, and Mum gives me a look that says, ‘What am I going to do with you?’“Morning,” I say, going up to Mum, leaving the parcels on the cou
KipI vomit twice more in the night, but luckily Damon’s there to help me stumble to the bathroom, and to encourage me to drink more water. So when I eventually wake up for real, I feel a tad fragile, but not half as bad as I might have done if he hadn’t been there.I check the time—07:14. The sun is up, flooding the room with pale yellow light. The sky is such a light blue that it’s almost white.The bed next to me is empty, and I can’t hear Damon upstairs.Still no message or calls from Alice, but there are a few others waiting for me. The first is from Damon.Hey bro, I left around two a.m. once you stopped throwing up. Take the Panadol and drink the orange juice, then go apologize to Saxon and Catie and I’m sure you’ll feel better. DThe second is from my father.I’d like to see you here at eleven a.m., kiddo. Make sure you’re not over the limit. Dad xHe hasn’t called me kiddo for years. It’s obviously a reflection of my behavior last night.The third and fourth are from Saxon. The