3. Funeral

I sit on the floor, motionless, as the whole world around me is busy with work. Figures move around me, different noises are heard, but am not actually seeing or listening. My thoughts are too dishevelled. A while ago, I heard sirens. Sirens from an ambulance, and then from a police car. Everyone around are busy asking and answering questions. Some people even try to take answers from me. But am not into any of it. There's only one thought swirling in my head. Joslyn is dead. She's dead. She's dead. Joslyn is dead. Suicide.

Of all things, Joslyn committed suicide. Why? Why would she do that? I have already read the suicide not, but it makes no sense. The suicide not goes like this:

To all my loved ones, if you are reading this, it means that am already gone. And when I say I'm gone, I mean dead. The fact that I took my own life will be really shocking to you all, I know. And I also know that everyone will want an explanation.

Firstly, I want to tell this to you Ben. I have never loved you less. Even in my last breath, I thought about how it will feel to be without you from now on. You have been nothing but comfort to me. I know that your life without me won't be the same anymore. There will be a number of days when you will cry, when you will be sad, or when you will be in a lot of pain. But my wish for you is to live on, despite the fact that I'm gone and I shall never return.

Am sorry, I truly am sorry to say this, but I failed to be happy. I tried my best, but it never worked. I know that it seemed to everyone that I was always happy and barely upset, but I guess I succeeded in hiding my emotions. Business is total failure; I had no idea what to do with it. I thought about confiding with you Ben, but how much more problems do you have to go through because of me? My parents don't know about any of it, and am terribly sorry to them too. Am sorry mom. Am sorry dad. I have been nothing but just disappointment.

Despite my lose in my work life, I thought I could be happy with my friends. That they would cheer me on. And keep me alive. Of course not. Did I ask too much in this life? I just wanted proper friends. Roselyn and Katelyn, if you guys could have been a little bit better, perhaps my wish to die wouldn't be this strong. Why? Just why would you always get on my nerves? Being friends mean you should be there for each other. All you guys did was eat my money and hang out with me only when you needed me. And now, Roselyn, you go ahead and throw you success party in my house. Like really?

Am sorry I never told any of this when I was alive. How could I? Even if I did, it would only make me the bad person here, wont it?

I don't regret for what I did. It was bound to happen one way or another. Even if I was murdered, I would have been thankful to the murderer for ending my miserable life. My last word for all of you is to stay happy without me. My family, please, move on quickly. It might be hard, but in time you will feel its ok. And maybe you will come to forgive me. Ben, I love you and I always will. And am telling this to you because I love you, please, don't live stuck up with my death. Move forward and find someone else who will appreciate your love and remain by your side, even if there are troubles ahead. And lastly to Rose and Kate. I have loved you guys plenty. But if only you guys would have returned my love the same way I did. But deep down, I hope you guys did love me. If so, then I hope you guys move on too, and may my death be of no harm to you guys.

And remember, it's all for the best.

Live happily and merrily on behalf of me. I love you guys.

Bye.

The letter seems really childish to me. Did Jos really hate me? Is her letter true? Or did someone fabricate it? Of course not. Its Jos hand writing. She took her own life. But why? No matter how many times I read the note, it makes no sense to me.  Her business is failing. If that is so? Why didn't she ever tell us? Fine, she didn't trust us. But Ben, she could have told him. Just why did she have to keep everything with in herself?  Her family might know something about it. They are here right now; I will ask them when I can finally feel my legs.

Jos said in the note that she loves Ben, and she always will. She never had any problem with him. The only problem she had was us. Me and Kate. She didn't like us, because she thought we didn't like her either. How could she think such a thing? We love her as much as we love ourselves. How could she think that? She said we ate her money all the time. Did we? I mean, Jos would always treat us, and we never bothered to deny it. For the last seven years, we only took what Jos gave us. Is she talking about that? Did she feel like we were robbing here of her money secretly? Is that what depression makes one feel and think? We did do stuffs for Jos too, but was that really less comparing to how much she did for us? Does that stuff even count in true friendship? I guess I will never know.

The police have been pushing questions at me for the last half hour, but I, unable to answer. After a last thorough check, the police declare Joslyn committed suicide and like that, the case is closed.

17th July 2027

A day later:

The weather is foggy and rainy for a July day. Mist swirls in all direction as I sit on the cab that is taking me to the central church, where we shall say goodbye and bury a friend. I lean my head against the cold foggy glass, watching my own cold reflection. Wearing black is not much of a big deal to me. I love black. Black happens to be one of my favourite colours. I wear black much often to work too. But today, black colour is getting on my nerves. For today I shall not be wearing black for work or for other occasion. I'm wearing black to mourn the death of a friend who never even believed that I loved her so much.

My reflection is a complete mess. Actually, I am a complete mess. My cheeks are swollen. I have hanging eye bags. My eyes are red as tomatoes and my nose is continuously running. I surely am a sight. My hairs are pulled back in a tight bun, which makes me look more like a nun. But guess what? I don't happen to care. I don't care if I look presentable enough, I don't care if people snicker behind my back. I am not a Victoria's Secret model. I'm just an ordinary lawyer and am mourning my friend.

By the time I reach the church, it's raining. How odd. It's July and it's raining. Even the sky wants to cry.  Under the shade of my umbrella, I walk inside the church briskly with other mourners. Once inside, I find all the people present who attended the party. They were all there when the incident happened. It is just right they give her farewell. Silently, I take a seat beside a sobbing Kate. Unlike me, she's still under shock.

For the last one day, I have been doing nothing but crying. I skipped work, because I didn't feel like going. In truth, I didn't want them to see my distorted face and pity me. Every morning I woke, I was reminded of the terrible incident and once again, I would resume to my endless crying. My mom, who came over at my place to look after me, tried her best to comfort me, but all was in vein. Before I went back to bed at night, I would think about it again and there I would go again. Crying. So all I did was just cry, sleep, cry. All I felt was just pain and pain of losing a loved one to suicide. I think that when I felt the pain of being one of the causes of someone's death. The feeling when you realize that you are one of the many reasons why a person had to take her own life. All this time, I thought we were bringing happiness to each other. We never knew that one among us was dying in the in the inside. After all the crying and pain, I finally stopped feeling it. I not only stopped feeling the pain, in fact, I stopped feeling everything. I felt numb to emotions, as if I am robbed of it.

Kate sits beside me, crying her heart out. I should comfort her, but I can't bring myself to do so. How can I? We are both the reasons to our lost friend's death. So I just sit there and watch ahead of me, no real emotions flowing.

A while later, Ben, Jos dad and some other men, bring in the casket that holds my dear friend. They place it at the front of the pews and one by one, they all take their seats. As usual, the priest delivers his speech, about the kind of person Jos was. He tells us that she was sweet hearted, kind and ever so gentle. That's what they say about every dead person, kind and gentle. Do they know what she was like to say such things? Did they know if she really was kind and gentle? Ask me, and I will give a real definition about who Jos really was. She was reckless, and she took what belonged to her. She was carefree and determined. She cared for people who needed her and she made sure never to disappoint the people who loved her. That's who Joslyn Airam was, and that's why I was her friend.

Jos mom says a few words, and so does Ben. But I am not listening to any of it. I don't wish to. It's there ways of how they remember her. I remember her on my own ways. The speeches end and the casket is lifted. They take it to the back of the church, where the cemetery lies. The digging is done; the casket is dropped, and then covered. Silent prayers are said by everyone as they stand with their umbrellas held above their heads.

I, however, walk away.