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Chapter 18: Hopelessly Devoted
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2022-09-21 17:32:14Related chapters
Not Like Me Chapter 19: The Studio
Aiden takes me to the ballet studio. I blush and giggle inside. So this is what it feels like to fall for a guy. Zander is in the back of my head. He will always be there. My first crush will always live in my memory. We didn't date, but he left his magic on me. And magic lasts forever. The memory of Zander is there, but I won't let it spoil my feelings for Aiden. The dance studio is larger than the one at Stanford. This is Concord Heights, and the walls are made of gold, and angels enchant the hardwood floor. The dancers of Concord Heights go on to study at Julliard. I would be honored to be among them. My ankles feel the footwork within. I remember plies and pirouettes. I can sense them in my ankles and toes. My accident came with a price; the ticking bomb in my ankle is my tumor. My foot tumor is painful. My parents spent thousands of dollars to have it removed. It came back with a silent vengeance. Vengeance stole my talents and dreams from me. I'm a dreamer without a dream. A
Last Updated : 2022-09-22Not Like Me Chapter 20: Man, I'm Falling For
I've agreed to be Madame Claire Dumont's newest student. The truth of these words hasn't hit me yet. It hasn't struck me yet. I'm still not sure my body is capable of dancing. My ankle hurts and aches. I've worn a mask to hide this pain for a long time. Pain killers no longer work for me. Their effects are for everyone else. Everyone else is stronger than me. They can hold out and embrace their pain. I've let it turn me bitter. Sometimes I blame my asshole ways on the drugs that I take...it's the person I am now—the person I'm supposed to be staring back at me in the mirror. My pain has ended my various friendships. I wasn't there for Brittany when Kyle ended their long bullshit relationship. Maybe I should have been there, so I have someone to celebrate this victory with. Instead, I have Aiden Buckland, the man I'm falling for but don't know how to tell. He knows I like him. But he doesn't know how much. He doesn't know how much he means to me. How much his kindness has jump-start
Last Updated : 2022-09-22Not Like Me Chapter 21: Lotion
Our date was amazing. Fireworks live within me. With each handhold and touch, new colors burst out of me. "You look happy this morning?" Mom says. I haven't spoken to my mother in ages. Not really. She's been off in her own little world. She goes to work early and comes back late. "Do I?" "Are you and Aiden still dating?" Dad interrupts."Yes, daddy. We're still dating. It's only been a month or so.""Well, keep that smile on your face in check," Dad warns as he leaves. Dad has a problem with me dating boys. "Zander came by here looking for you. How is Brittany? You haven't seen her in ages. How is she?" Mom asks.Now I'm annoyed. I don't want to talk about Brittany. I don't want to think about her and Kyle. "We aren't friends anymore, mom."It sounds awful when I say it out loud. I was tired of being under her control. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to let go? I never knew how to let go, how liberating it truly is. Letting go of Brittany took courage. Courage I didn't know I ha
Last Updated : 2022-09-23Not Like Me Chapter 22: Do You Love Me?
Aiden Buckland and his touch are still tattooed on my body. Tattoos last forever, and so does the memory of touch. Touch has memory. Memory is a powerful thing that transcends everything else. I get ready to leave the house. I'm distracted in the shower. My nakedness feels exposed somehow. My sixteenth birthday is in a week. I have no friends to celebrate with. No one but Aiden to celebrate my womanhood with.Womanhood is powerful, and even without friends, I still wish to celebrate. Sixteen is the year most girls lose their virginity and get wild. Or that's what I've come to understand. I place clothes around the frame of my body. I feel lost without Aiden's warm touch. He guided me back to myself. He brought me back to ballet—the doorbell rings. I know it's Aiden waiting to take me on an adventurous date. He's romantic...he's brave...It's Zander? What the fuck? I blush and close the door. Mother comes waltzing in to save the day as usual. Her slippers drag across the floor, leavi
Last Updated : 2022-09-23Not Like Me Chapter 23: Choose Wisely
Zander and I are still kissing in the woods. I know what I've done. I've become a cheater. I'm confused and torn again. But Zander's my dearest friend, and we've found each other again. He loves me, and I love him.Zander and I pull away from each other. We hear a rustle in the leaves. It's Stephanie Burnham. She knows the truth about Zander and me. I know it. "Ash, is that you? I haven't seen you in weeks. You haven't returned any of my calls or texts.""I'm sorry. I've been occupied with Aiden."When I say Aiden's name, Zander backs away from me. It pains me to see him this way. Then, without thinking, I grab his hand in front of Steph. "Ash, stop it...okay? I'm fine, just go.""Did something happen between you two?" Stephanie asks. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of hiding myself. "Yes, something did happen.""Ashley, drop it," Zander begs. "I can't, Zander. She needs to know. Someone needs to know.""Know what? What's going on here?" Steph is at the edge of her seat. She's waiti
Last Updated : 2022-09-24Not Like Me Chapter 24: Ballet Shoes
I head to the dance studio. My dad's car smells like old socks. Stephanie is with me. "Tell me about you. What's really going on?""When you left...I was sad. Brittany didn't seem like a real friend. She was girly, she wasn't you, but she was there. Then I noticed Zander. We hung out. She told me to stay away. So I did. I missed him. When they turned sixteen, I kissed Zander at his birthday party. He kissed me back. I got scared, and Aiden suggested we pretend to date to get back at him. I agreed. It was stupid. Then there was a spark with Aiden. And then I was torn between the two of them. That's the short version. I thought Zander was a crush, but he's more than that. Aiden and I had a spark...it grew and grew. I don't want to lose them. I want to be friends with them. I want us to forget about romance and be friends. I want to drown out feelings...with other feelings. I shouldn't date, Steph. It's not for girls like me. It's for other women, who make sense.""It does sound complic
Last Updated : 2022-09-24Not Like Me Chapter 25: Girlfriend
Before Stephanie gets out of my dad's car, she turns around and bites her lip. She's holding something in. "Ashley, why did you never tell Brittany about your ballet talent?" "I wanted one girly thing for myself. She never really asked me what I did outside of school. She was involved in piano and theatre. I had ballet. I wanted something for myself. She and I shared everything, but I needed one thing for myself. I let you know because you never had that deep desire to take and take everything I had. She was hard to be best friends with. But I know now that Zander was my true best friend.""Thanks for telling me, Ash. And you know, you don't need to be her best friend...but you can be friends again. We have a history together, don't give up on her now. As for her friends' opinions dating her brother, I'll set the record straight for you. So don't worry about that. Now go. Go enjoy your time with Zander.""How did you know I was going to meet Zander?" "Because there's a glow in your
Last Updated : 2022-09-24Not Like Me Chapter 26: Content
Aiden's face is all over my Instagram. His relationship status has been changed publicly. Has our friendship status changed as well? The school day is calling my name, and I don't want to listen. I don't want to go and face Aiden. I remember Leslie Thompson's threat. If she knows I hurt Aiden, she will come crawling to me with her vicious venom. I decide to take the bus. I don't want to park the car at school in case someone is thinking of vandalizing my life. Usually, when we take the car, one of the Hogan twins drives since they are legally allowed to. However, on occasion, I have taken the car and have driven around town without a chaperone. I know it's risky, and perhaps I should hand over the keys to my older sixteen-year-old friends. But I need control of something and behind the wheel of a car works for me. Like the other day, I should have let Stephanie drive to the ballet studio. But I needed to prove to myself that I could get there without a GPS. If I'm going to learn ho
Last Updated : 2022-09-25
Latest chapter
Not Like Me Chapter 41: The Nutcracker
A week has passed since I broke up with Zander. Aiden and I are in a new relationship, one I intend to keep. Christmas break is almost here, and with it, the opening of the Nutcracker ballet. I know I'm ready. I have studied and have practiced more and more with Madame. My mother has even attended a few of my last minute one on one sessions. She praised me for my comeback. I know it's a small comeback that a seven-year-old could perform...but for someone with an injury, a comeback has so much meaning. I was told I would never dance again that the tumor in my ankle was too vicious to even dance upon. Well, during Christmas break, I will prove them all wrong during my final performance as a ballet dancer. I have other passions now. Thanks to Aiden and art, I have a desire to pursue more things with my whole heart. Madame has heard about my ballet paintings and has agreed to let me sit in the back of the studio to paint her students in action. She plans to decorate the entire ballet s
Not Like Me Chapter 40: The Heat
Aiden and I get ready to leave the cabin. I put my clothes back on to avoid suspicion from my parents. I'm already going to be in trouble with Zander. I don't need to get my parents mixed up in this drama. At least not today. Aiden gets in the car. He puts his sunglasses on. He is wearing his letterman jacket. The name Buckland is in black bold letters on his back. I wonder if that last name means anything to him now that the cat's out of the bag. I can't worry about that now. I'm a nervous Nellie. It's ridiculous, really. But this is Zander we're talking about. The man I shared my first bed with. Did it mean something, right? Did any of it mean anything? Have I just thrown something special away? Aiden parks in the Hogan's driveway. I get out like an embarrassed deer. Brittany and Stephanie open the door. "Hi, Ashley, why are you with Aiden? You're mom called, and I covered for you. I told her you were asleep. Were you with Aiden all night?" Steph asks. "Yes, I was. That's not i
Not Like Me Chapter 39: Truth Be Told
I wake up to the sounds of a crackling fire. It's 4 am, and Aiden is still half-naked and lying next to me. We've had so much sex these last three days, I'm almost convinced Zander and I broke up. But the truth is we aren't. I'm the worst kind of terrible for it. I never wanted to be a cheater. But what am I supposed to do when Aiden loves me and Zander....wanted sex? I go into the kitchen and look around for anything resembling breakfast food. Instead, I find eggs and bacon. Protein it is, then. Clearly, a man went shopping. The only thing I find remotely similar to juice is lemonade. Good enough for me. Aiden wakes up and squints his eyes. He sniffs around the room, wondering why it smells like meat. A true hunter-gatherer if I ever saw one. He's a caveman at heart. "Are you cooking for me?" "Obviously!" "I knew you were perfect, but this is unexpected." He comes over with his shirt off and shorts on. He has the 'I just had sex' smirk on his face. He waltzes about the cabin, f
Not Like Me Chapter 38: Finding Out
I wake up from my post-sex nap. Aiden is still here, holding me. We turn to look at each other. I roll over and lie on his chest. I start kissing him over and over. I don't want this moment with him to end. It's as if I'm trying to make up for the lost time and apologize for my actions. He rolls over and finds himself on top of me again. I admit I'm a confusing girl. But this feeling I have with Aiden is fire. My fire for Zander has gone out, and I know he lied to me. Perhaps I'm horrible for having sex with Aiden now. My parents still haven't come home from work. I'm lucky not to have been caught. "Aiden, can we go to the ballet studio now? I really do need to get this note and x-ray over to Madame." "Sure, give me two more minutes. I want to look at your forever." He looks at my lips and kisses me slowly again. We aren't rushing to leave as I had hoped. Aiden puts himself inside me again as we start having sex a second time. "I love you, Ash. I know you might be confused right
Not Like Me Chapter 37: All Over My Body
Thanksgiving has come and gone. I haven't spoken with Aiden since we kissed in the art wing. I haven't told Zander. I brush it under the rug. Romance is complicated, and I'm caught in the middle of understanding it. I've distanced myself from Zander. He doesn't seem to notice since he's been busy with the holidays. I've texted him, but I've avoided going to his house. He's invited me to his house plenty of times. I've had lots of opportunities to verify Leslie's claims. I know Aiden needs me to find the truth out for myself. He's been honest with me. I know I told him we would speak later. But I feel like I'm lying to Aiden by not telling him the truth about his origins. He's not a Buckland by blood. And he needs to know this. He will find out from me in due time. My phone dings; it's Zander. Zander: Are you coming over? Me: Yes, Brittany and Stephanie, and I are having a sleepover. Zander: Want to come to my room later at night? Me: Of courseZander: Great, see you tonight. I
Not Like Me Chapter 36: Art Room
Dad drops me off at school. The glazed donuts are tucked away safely for my friends. I think we all need a pick me up every once in a while. My friends need me to do something nice for them every once in a while. Zander finds me in the parking lot. He looks perplexed as to why my dad took me to school this morning instead of him."Why are you with your dad?""Because we're related. Are you mad about something?" I ask, confused. "Hmmm...well, let's see. I woke up, and you were gone." "We aren't married, Zander. I needed to get home. And my mom caught me sneaking back into my room at 5:30 am. It wasn't exactly fun for me. Then my dad ended up taking me to a donut breakfast early in the morning. I bought you one. Want one?" I pull out a glazed donut hoping it will change Zander's sour mood. He takes it. He's unimpressed. He sinks his teeth into the donut, and immediately his mood changes. "Are these from Danny's Donut Cafe? We used to go there....""Every Saturday in our pajamas. I
Not Like Me Chapter 35: Ugly Duckling
"Where have you been all night?" Mother repeats with a bit of curiosity in her voice. "Nowhere? I was out...walking around." Way to be and sound convincing. Like mom will ever believe that bullshit response. "Ashley, where were you? The truth." "I was at the Hogans. I wanted to see Brittany. I needed to tell her about my ballet news. And I had something else to tell her about Stephanie." My mother knows I'm telling the truth about being at the Hogans. I told her half the truth. But she already got me to spill about ballet. So I don't need her budding in on another secret of mine. "Mom, can dad take me to school today? I want to pick up some donuts for my friends before school?" I ask. "That's a random idea. You haven't gone with your dad to get donuts for a long time. Is everything okay?" Mom asks. "Yes, I just need a guy's opinion on dating."I have to say something to get her off my case. I won't be sneaking out anymore. Not for a while. I'm pretty sure that when I get home,
Not Like Me Chapter 34: Grumpy Cat
If I aim for the stars, maybe I'll become one. I used to believe that with all my heart. But now I don't know what to believe anymore. It's nighttime, and my parents have gone to bed. They believe that I am an ordinary girl who follows the rules. But I am not shy anymore; I have blossomed into a rose. Roses come with thorns attached. Thorns are there to protect the beautiful flower from losing, from failing. And perhaps my attitude and determination to dance one last time is my version of growing thorns. The clock reads 12:43 am. Zander told me to climb into his bedroom at 1 am. I want to sneak into Zander's room. It's late November; Thanksgiving will be here soon. It's cold as shit outside. I rummage through my belongings and find an ugly Christmas sweater with the 'Grumpy Cat' on it. That will make Zander laugh. I put my jacket on and climb down the window-ladder. I fall off the ladder halfway through. I land on a bush. Being graceful at night is difficult when I'm tired as fuck.
Not Like Me Chapter 33: Mothers and Daughters
Leaving the ballet studio is hard. Madame has revealed a hard truth to me. Her life is not all cupcakes and rainbows, as I once thought. She wanted me to be in love with her son. That's why the lessons were free. She was making me happy to make Aiden happy. I open the large gold doors of the studio. I know it's not real gold, but I'm still excited to touch it. It's like touching famous people. Maybe their success will rub off on me. Unfortunately, I'll never be that lucky. It would take healing water and a goddess to heal this dumb ankle. I get into Zander's car. I don't have the heart to tell him or anyone the truth. Aiden's truth. I doubt Aiden himself even knows. It's not my place to tell his truth to the world or him. "Thanks for helping me pay, Madame. She can be a bit of a firecracker. I know she's tough. She has to be to run a high-end business in this big town.""You're welcome. Sorry I stormed off. I didn't mean for that to happen. It just did. I know I need to not be so b
