Chapter 3

3 - Mia Lauren Hudson

There is a time for daring and a time for caution, and a wise man knows which is called for.

- Dead Poets Society

I was vigorously and repeatedly rehearsing what I would say to my husband.

 

"Hi, Bradley, can I go out today? I need to go to a meeting with a rival film agency."

 

No, of course not. I couldn’t say that. To be honest, nothing I managed to say would sound good to his ears, and I knew that in this case, I would hear things that would hurt me.

 

Damn it! It was almost three in the afternoon, and I was ready, staring at myself in the mirror. My shiny, full, wavy blonde hair fell around my shoulders and bust. I had thought so many times about cutting it, coloring it, but Bradley never allowed it. He said it was unacceptable for a woman, especially for his wife who bore his name. A forced smile crossed my lips as I returned to admire my reflection in the mirror. I wore a large winter coat over a warm pink blouse and jeans. And after much discussion, Bradley allowed me to wear jeans. It was unbearable to live in skirts whenever winter arrived.

"Hi, Bradley." I rehearsed again. "Do you remember that dream I always talked about? I'm about to make it come true. Are you happy for me?"

Then, in a frustrating way, I imagined the silence he would leave in the air.

My parents would be so happy...

 

Ah... I wished my parents were with me. I wished I hadn't been almost forced to marry a man I didn't love much at the time, but now I did, and even so, not a bit of affection was reciprocated to me. If I had just one chance... One single chance, I wouldn't have sworn such a thing to my mother while she was between life and death. Nor to my father who left me eight days later.

 

Then I started to tremble. I didn't know if it was the cold outside or my thoughts causing it. The thoughts I tried so hard to avoid, only thinking about the good moments. The moments when Bradley helped me, but there wasn't a single one of those moments.

I noticed the corners of my eyes were damp, and I couldn’t cry. If I cried, I wouldn't be able to stop, and I was supposed to be happy. I have to be happy. I have to fight to be happy. And with that thought, looking into my green eyes that had a silvery hue, almost blue but lifeless, I gathered my courage and walked to Bradley's office where he had locked himself since waking up an hour earlier.

I took a deep breath and prayed that my courage wouldn't back down. I prayed that he would understand that he was just my husband. I wasn't his property. Even though I wanted him to call me his, but out of pride and not status.

With trembling hands, I knocked on the dark wood of the door. I heard his whispers as he spoke on the phone. I didn't want to interrupt him, and so I found this a great opportunity for all of this not to be prolonged.

"Bradley?" I called.

I heard the silence return and almost heard him sigh.

"Come in." His incredibly deep voice made me even more nervous.

I ran my hands over my clothes and zipped up my dark coat before turning the doorknob. With my lips already dry and the cold on my spine, I found my husband behind his desk. His gaze lifted to me, as did his arched eyebrow as he looked me up and down.

I did the same, trying to guess which version of my husband it was that day. He wore a white long-sleeved shirt, his long dark brown hair was tousled, his eyes squinted a dark blue, almost black. His beard was unshaven. His lips pressed together.

"Where are you going?" His voice made my legs go weak.

"I... Um..." What was I going to say? I stood frozen at the door, like a child.

Bradley rolled his eyes and looked back at the papers on his desk, as if I were an idiot who just wanted her husband's attention. Yes, maybe I was.

"I'm going out." The tremor in my voice finally escaped.

I watched as he slowly abandoned the papers and raised his eyes, the same eyes I had once fallen hopelessly in love with. If he helped me, it would be that way forever. But with each passing day, I saw myself growing tired, lost, and trying to find a place where I could rest my heart.

"Are you?" The short, ironic smile appeared at the corner of his lips.

"I am." I licked my lips and took a tiny step forward. "I know you don't like it when I go out, especially on weekends, but I..." He raised an eyebrow. "I have to meet Kayla."

What? I had to meet Kayla? I had no idea where Kayla was. But if I knew my friend well, she would drop everything to rescue me. And she had tried very hard to rescue me, even from Bradley. She hated him. He returned that sentiment to her.

"No, you're not." His voice was decisive as he got up from the chair. And I felt even smaller with the man in front of me. Tall like Goliath. "I can't stand that slut, and you’re not going out with her."

Anger seemed to grow inside me. I hated it when he forbade me from doing things and hated it when he spoke ill of my friend. But I understood that it was my fault. Kayla wasn't involved in this, and I brought her into it. I'm sorry, my friend... I pleaded mentally.

But I knew I would have to sacrifice many things for my dream, and I would. I would go to places Bradley never thought he'd know me if it meant achieving my goal. There was a part of Mia Lauren that he didn't know. There was a part of me that I hid, but I knew the right moment to unleash it and allow myself. Believe in myself.

"She could come here, but you forbade it." I set aside my fear and welcomed courage. "And she doesn't come here because I don't want you two to fight because she doesn't like you either, Bradley."

My husband's face looked incredulous as he saw me, for the first time, fearless.

"That's another reason for you not to go." He shoved his hands into his pants pockets. "I don't want anyone filling your head with negative thoughts about me."

"And no one needs to." I crossed my arms. "I know you well enough; I know who you are."

Bradley opened his mouth.

See? I'm no longer the unprepared girl you keep reminding me I am.

"That lipstick looks ridiculous." He looked straight into my eyes.

What? Confusion hit me, and I found myself speechless again. My lipstick was pinkish, I liked it... All women had color on their lips. Not an expensive, sticky gloss Bradley bought me.

He had never told me I was beautiful, really (the never was after he got what he wanted), but it hurt not to hear a compliment directed at me, and when he did speak, it was things like this, and my only way out was to believe it. Believe in the worst part of me that he showed me.

"And you’re not going." He headed for the door.

No! I wasn’t staying in that hell when a paradise awaited me at five in the afternoon.

"I am going." I said, courageously, very close to his face as I positioned myself in front of him in the hallway.

Bradley widened his eyes, and I almost saw him clench his fists. A fear hit me deeply, but I didn't let it show.

"If you go..."

"You'll what?" I asked, shrugging and stepping away from him. His breath, his scent, his eyes still unsettled me. "Hit me?"

Bradley clenched his jaw.

"Alright, Bradley." I said. "Your words and how you treat me hurt more than that. But I'm going."

Then I hurried down the stairs. I opened the door and left. The cold almost managed to quell the fire and anger on my body. I took my phone out of the back pocket of my jeans and called my real friend.

"Kayla?" I whispered when she answered.

"Hi, Lauren." Her voice was cheerful. "Have you given up on that stupid idea of changing that son of a bitch?"

"Almost." I said, and I didn't recognize myself at that moment. "Almost."