Memory pt 2

Matthew

"Where's Cassie?" I asked. These past few days she's been mostly late for work. Sometimes she doesn't show up all day at all. Mel told us she was having a hard time sleeping at night so she lets her sleep in during the day. At times she doesn't feel so well that we told her to take the day off so she won't get worse.

"Good morning," Cassie said weakly coming into the room. Her hair was tied into a ponytail, which was a rare sight. I tried to look her in the eye but she was looking down. I can see the layer of dark circles forming under her eyes. She quietly sat on her desk and powered up her computer.

"Is she okay?" I whispered to Mel who was equally observing her. Cassie moves like a zombie from The Walking Dead. I’m seriously concerned about her.

Mel shrugged. "She barely touches her stash on the fridge. I have to force her to have a few spoonfuls every time I eat with her."

So she wasn't eating, I thought. No wonder she's too thin. Her cheeks, which was her most distinctive feature, is now gone. Does she have an eating disorder? I can't help but wonder.

"Does she have anorexia?" I asked Mel. I knew that was a bit invasive but how would I be able to help her if I don't know what's wrong with her.

"Of course not!" Mel said and gave me a sharp look. I guess it was wrong to falsely accuse someone of being sick of something she wasn't.

"Sorry," I mouthed and went back to watching Cassie. She kept yawning every now and then.

"It’s probably insomnia," Mel said. "She was asking me a few days ago where she could get some sleeping pills."

"Matthew!!!" Kasey said bounding into the room. Cassie gave a sudden jolt as if surprised by the sudden noise. I frowned at Kasey and gave him a hushed signal.

"We're starting," he whispered, looking confused.

"Please keep an eye on her," I told Mel.

She looked like she was going to say something but she just nodded so I followed Kasey to practice.

~~~

"Matthew, are you okay?" Landon asked after practicing our set. He didn't sound angry, though. He usually gets mad when someone wasn’t giving their all, even if it’s just practice.

I shook my head. It’s obvious that my mind was wandering somewhere else.

"You seem distracted," he said.

"I'm sorry. I was just thinking of something," I said. "Do you mind if we take a break?"

Landon nodded so I went to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. But that would just make me more jittery. Screw it! I'll take a smoke instead. As I opened the door, I saw Cassie was inside. She swallowed a few multi-colored capsules and drank a glass of water. She saw me but she didn't look guilty so I think she wasn't drinking something she shouldn't. I opened the cupboard and took a pack of cigarettes and some menthol.

"Smoking?" she asked in a monotone, looking at the pack in my hands.

I nodded. I was thinking maybe she's going to lecture me about how cigarette smoking ruins my health and second hand smoke is just as bad well and all that shit.

"Can I join you?" she asked and I was genuinely surprised. She didn't look like she smokes. Maybe she wanted to try.

"Sure?" I said hesitantly. I went to the smoking area and she silently followed me. She’s really not herself lately.

Why am I feeling guilty about this? I asked myself as I handed her a stick. Like I'm selling contra bands to high school student. She's twenty-one years old for god’s sake. And she’s the one who asked for it. But still, I wouldn’t want to be a bad influence on her.

I watched her as she puffs out the smoke. To be honest, I was expecting her to choke, like first timers do. She didn't. I realized it wasn't her first time doing this. This girl is just full of surprises.

"Who taught you how to smoke?" I asked out of curiosity. I learned in high school because of my friends. I guess everyone learned that way, regardless of gender.

"My Mom," she answered.

I didn't know what to say. It's mind-boggling when you learn it from your parents.

"Don't get me wrong," she said. "Vices of all sorts are banned from the house. It was left by a visitor."

All I can do is nod. I guess it was better to let her try while she was under her mother’s watch. That was a good move.

"Then why smoke all of a sudden?" I asked. She was almost through with the stick. I won’t give her another even if she asks me for one. Cigarette smoking is still bad for her health.

"I thought it would keep my mind off things," she said, with a sigh. "But turns out it didn't." She added, sounding disappointed.

She stood up and threw the cigarette butt in the can. "Thanks," she said and left.

I finished my own stick soon after and took some menthol to get rid of the smell. We were about to start practicing again when I suddenly remembered something. I stopped midway through our first song and all of them looked at me confused.

I looked at Landon and he simply nodded at me. He knew I wouldn’t be like this if it were nothing. I dashed out of the room and went to find Cassie. She was nowhere in sight. I quickly drove to her apartment and found that the door was unlocked. For an overly cautious person, I find it worrisome to find out that she forgot to lock their door. But for now, I’m thankful.

I called but no one answered, so I went inside and scanned the room. The door to the bedroom was ajar. I knocked but there was no reply. I opened the door, but no one was there. Or so I thought.

It was faint. But I heard it. There was shallow breathing near one of the beds. I don't think Mel mentioned of any pets. I slowly walked over to the closet and she was there. Curled up in that little space.

She was conscious, I sighed in relief.

"What are you doing hiding in here?" I asked kneeling down in front of her. She was so pale, I noticed.

"If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy," she said.

I don't know if I should say what I intend to say. I don't know if it would just make things worse. But I guess it would be better than seeing her like this.

"Do you want to die?" I asked.

The notebook. Her drawings. Her sketches. It's all about death.

"How did you know?" she smiled bitterly. Her eyes bore too much emotion - pain, emptiness, sorrow.

It hurts. It hurts me seeing her hurt.

"Don't worry. It will pass," she said positively.

She says it as if she’d been like this before. As if she’s been through all of this already. And now she’s going through this again. How many times does she have to go through this?

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked.

She shook her head weakly. "It's nothing, really."

It's not just nothing if it breaks you apart like this.

"Can you tell me what you were drinking a while ago?" I asked, worried.

"Let's see," she said thoughtfully. "I think it was vitamins, iron supplements and zinc."

So it was just supplements, after all. I think she needed them especially when she can't eat nor sleep. At least she’s still taking care of her body. And I can see that she doesn’t like being like this as well. It was her heart that’s unwell.

"Do you want anything to eat?" I asked.

Again, she just shook her head. "I just wanted to rest."

I carried her in my arms and lifted her to the bed. She's as light as a feather.

"Do you want me to sing you to sleep?" I said. I used to sing with Landon earlier in our days. I only did the rapping and the backup vocals, I don’t think I’m anywhere near Landon’s level when it comes to singing.

"As far as I know, Landon is the vocalist," she said jokingly.

"Just hear me out, okay?" I said.

"Very well," she said and closed her eyes.