Chapter 4

When I got out of the shower and ventured downstairs, Dez was already home and starting to prepare supper. 

“How was school?” He asked as he pushed some vegetables my way to cut up. 

“It was ok… not as daunting as I thought it would be, kept my mind busy anyways, how was work?”

“Work was good, but how can it not be,” he smirked and flexed his arm. 

“Hmm,” I smirked at him, “looking a little small bro.” 

“Straight for the throat huh?” He laughed, “You should start coming back with me,” he peeked up at me from cooking.

“Do you think I gained weight?” I blurted out, I don’t think that’s what he was implying, but it was still on my mind, and I knew he would be honest with me. 

“What? No,” he scowled at me in confusion, “that’s not what I me-”

“I know,” I cut him off, “I’ve just been wondering lately, feeling sluggish, since I haven’t been training in months.”

“Sounds like you just agreed to train with me,” he winked, “I’ll start picking you up after school and we can alternate training days with running days.”

Well, that solves my Ryan problem, for now, at least Dez will understand if I can’t emotionally show up some days. Dez tends to plan these things for when I usually hang out with Ryan on purpose because he doesn’t like him. He tries to, but he’s always been the protective older brother, and that means no one is good enough for me. 

I had to break it to Ryan the next day that Dez had the same idea, and was now forcing my hand in training with him, he couldn’t argue with it because he tries to stay in Dez’s good graces, but he wasn’t happy. 

Dez was two years older than me, and we grew up in a house where my dad valued being a gym rat. When we were little, he put us in things like Karate class, but as we got older he put us in things like Jiu-Jitsu and Krav Maga. When we weren’t in classes, he encouraged us to keep up our cardio and strength training, which is probably the reason Dez got into the business. 

Dez owned a personal training business, and while he worked for a gym right now, he had the ability to set his own hours and eventually planned to start his gym as well. All of my career goals aligned with something in the finance world, my high school classes were all math and accounting based. No one here even knew I was trained in all kinds of MMA, I could kick some serious ass, but it wasn’t something that I had a strong passion for like Dez.

I was so lucky to have Dez, not only was he truly the best big brother a person could ask for, but he was the only family I had left now. After dad, social services agreed to let me stay with him, I was only a few months away from turning eighteen anyways, and Dez had a job that supported us. There was money coming from dad’s life insurance as well, but all of that stuff was so messy, another thing I’m glad Dez was happy to deal with. 

The days started to blur together and as the weeks went on, it seemed like the whole month had suddenly passed by. Life was back to our new normal, school seemed to be a better distraction than I thought it would be, and Dez kept me busy after school for the most part. I always knew he was larger built and bulky muscle wise, but when we went to the gym I had a new appreciation for just how large he was in comparison. I remember dad being this large, so I guess I always assumed every other guy who spent as much time in the gym as they did would be this large as well, but, they were not.

I was leaner and more defined than bulky, and I could tell several guys at the gym were trying to get close as I worked out, but Dez was quick to cut them off and redirect my attention by giving me a task I needed all my energy to focus on. He was pushing me extra hard lately, but my physical pain was a welcomed distraction, and it felt great to finally feel back in shape. I felt stronger, I ran longer, and it gave me the boost in confidence that I needed to hold my ground with Ryan.

He had become increasingly needy lately and I knew it was my fault, I wasn't great girlfriend material, I was emotionally distant and physically unavailable, so I tried to make more time for him. I made a point of spending at least two nights a week with him where we could just hang out, watch movies, go for a walk, anything to try and reconnect with him, but it always ended the same way.

He would start off trying to seduce me into having sex with him again, and when I denied him, he would make me feel guilty about it. He accused me of cheating on him once, said he felt like I wasn't in love with him anymore, he even told me to leave on several occasions, just to text me after and apologize for acting like such a jerk. All the drama would be followed up with him pouring his heart out to me, telling me how much he loved me and just wanted to be close to me, to show me how much he cared for me, then he would act as if nothing happened the next day when he came to pick me up.

Before I took a break from the world, I would have just let him have his way as it was easier than saying no. He was only ever concerned with getting himself off, it usually didn't take too long, and it was bearable because he was always sweet to me both during and after.

Most times I felt mentally checked out, I would think about other things while we had sex but made sure to throw in the odd moan to play my part. His affection could never pull me into the moment or erase the feelings that came after like it was dirty or shameful to be with him.

The distance from him over the summer only amplified those feelings, and I was stuck between my old feelings for him before we took that step, and dreading being left alone with him.