Chapter Six: Where Do I Belong?

Waking up the next morning back at home in my own bed, I truly felt more lost than I ever did back at The Full Moon pack. Leading up to this point when I knew I would need to head home, I did worry that I’d get like this. I felt so at home there and knew everyone and knew I had a place in the world, but now being in this pack again, it was as though everyone had moved on with their lives and here I was, seeming to go back to where I was when I left, I didn’t have a place anymore.

As I sat up in bed looking out of the window with such sadness in the pit of my stomach, I realised I hadn’t messaged Max after returning home and worried he’d either get worried himself or feel as though I had simply forgotten about him because I was back home. Throwing my blankets off and grabbing my phone which sat on charge beside me, I write:

“Sorry I didn’t text last night, once I returned home, I hadn’t stopped. I’m back safe but I miss you so much.”

Once I hit send, all I could do was sigh and lean up against the headboard looking around the room which once felt like mine but now seemed to resemble a foreign land to me, I truly was not the same person I was when I left.

But now my brain had given itself time to wake up, the events which transpired yesterday and what discovery I had made clung to the walls of my mind. I was still unsure of what to feel about Alban and this situation, I know that we were mates and for some odd reason, were meant to be together, but with all that’s happened in the past, I can’t see past that.

Something else which worried me about this whole situation was what he was going to do, I knew the way he looked at me it was as though he desired what my wolf did, but could that have simply been his wolf. I mean, he must have hated me growing up for all that he’d do to me, so why would he want to be mated to me?! What if he does something drastic to rid himself of me? What if he already has someone else and knows if I walk into it, I’d mess it up so now, he’ll finish the job with me?

“Mate would never hurt us!” My wolf shouted in my head after hearing my troubled thoughts, but I could only sigh blocking her out, I didn’t have the energy to fight with her anymore.

Soft knocking on my bedroom door snaps me from my thoughts, before I had time to react, it slowly opens revealing my mother smiling over at me, she was fully dressed for the day whilst I still lay in bed numb.

“Good morning hunny, how are you feeling after your first night home?” She smiles happily over to me, her demeanour taking me off guard a little but also making me feel such guilt, she was so happy for me to be back whilst I sat here wishing I was somewhere else.

“It was okay thank you.” I said showing her my tiniest and slightly fraudulent smile, where I spotted her form change a little as though she was starting to see through me.

“Your father and I are just heading down to the pack house for some breakfast with the Alpha, Lincoln and the Alpha’s parents, would you like to join us, I know everyone would love to hear about your time away?” She smiles taking a cautious step towards me as though I was some ticking time bomb and even the slightest of moves was going to set me off.

To look my mother in the eyes and see that she could spot from a mile off that something was wrong, but I wasn’t about to tell her cut me up so deeply inside. But a breakfast with one of the main factors as to why I’m feeling a certain way was not going to help me.

“You know what mum, I think I’m gonna sit this one out. I need to be alone for a while and try to get my bearings of this place a little more before I speak to anyone outside. But I hope you have a lovely time.” I smiled feeling even more intense guilt for turning my own mother down, but I couldn’t bring myself to walk over to the pack house and sit there, I couldn’t even find the strength within me to get out of bed.

“Oh, that’s okay, there’s always tomorrow now that you’re home and you’re here to stay.” She smiled attempting to make me feel better but with that statement, it sort of had the opposite effect.

“We have much food downstairs that you could make for breakfast, perhaps when we return, you and I could take a walk around the pack to help with your bearings?” My mother suggested which was a very nice gesture of her to make, but I was still left with a sinking feeling.

“That sounds nice mum.” Was all I said with that same fraudulent smile from before, seeing that there wasn’t much else she could say to me, with a smile but in her eyes such worry, she closed the door behind her leaving me alone in my room with my thoughts.

Once I heard the sounds of the front door opening and soon after closing, the bottled-up feelings I have felt since arriving seem to burst their banks and I break down crying. I didn’t know why I was crying but I couldn’t stop.

After crying in my bed for some time, I move to the shower and thought crying in their would be a nice change of scenery, so walking into the kitchen dressed and clean, I wondered if I would be able to cry again, my eyes stung from tears that poured down my cheeks like an uncontrollable waterfall. With the heat from my shower and the amount of crying I had done, I was dying for a drink and found my new task to take up the morning, locating where my parents had hidden the cups in their new updated kitchen.

Midway through my scavenger hunt of my parents' kitchen cupboards where I was able to find many things, aside from the cups, the front door opens and closed, causing me to freeze and begin to panic.

“It’s only me!” Lincoln’s voice shouts through the house, to know it was him allowed me to take a deep breath in and begin my search for the long-lost cups once again.

“There you are, how are you doing?” I heard him ask from behind me, but I didn’t dare to turn around knowing what a state my eyes must have looked like due to my marathon type crying session.

“I’m okay.” Was all I say opening up the cupboard and find a huge stack of cutting boards, how many cutting boards do two people need?!

“Are you sure, I only ask as I can see the way you’re refusing to look at me and with the little conversation I just had with mother over breakfast, somethings wrong.” He said insisting that I told him, where I had to force myself not to break down in the slightest as I opened even more cupboards for these invisible cups!

“I can assure you that I’m fine, the only thing which is stressing me out is I can’t find the fucking cups!” I exclaim feeling my anger begin to boil in hopes of that combatting the sadness, which Lincoln as always knew.

He soon walks over, opening the cupboard right above my head revealing all the cups and glasses, in my state I had neglected to look at one of the most obvious places. Taking a glass out and placing it on the side right in front of me, I felt Lincoln’s eyes watching me.

“I’m struggling.” Was all I said finally, giving into him that something was indeed wrong, which he could see anyway without me admitting a thing.

“I just feel as though I’m a spare part here, I’m not needed, and I don’t really fit in anymore. This place was once my home, somewhere I felt the safest and knew I was somewhat needed. But now...” I began to explain before my voice cracks a little looking down, where Lincoln was soon by my side trying to comfort me.

“I can’t help the guilt that I feel looking at mum and dad, they seem to want me here and missed me, whilst all I can feel is homesick, homesick for a place which wasn’t even my home! I have always thought when I got back, it would be such a great feeling and everything would go back to normal, but it can’t! Yes, on the outside it seems as though this place hasn’t changed, but it has in such a way that I feel that I don’t belong here anymore! Everyone has moved on with their lives, you are now the Beta, mum and dad are happily retired renovating their house to their hearts content and all my friends seemed to be mated or settled into a position but where does that leave me?” I ask walking away from my brother but turning around to look at him with tears in my eyes, where he could only look back at me with such sympathy.

“Iris, it’s only day one, it was bound to feel off considering you’ve been away from here for five years, you’ll start to go about your everyday life and soon see that you fit in here as like any of us. The Alpha had told you that day when you left as soon as you return, you’d be compensated, perhaps you need to go and speak with Alban and see what that entails.” He suggested walking over to me and placing his hands on my arms, but hearing that name simply made me feel worse.

“That’s not going to change a thing Lincoln, I feel completely by myself when I’m surrounded by family, what kind of heartless person does that make me?” I ask crying even harder, whilst Lincoln still shakes his head at me as though I was wrong.

“You are far from being heartless, these emotions that you are feeling right now only validates how much you do care, mum and dad know it’s doing to be different and have probably prepared themselves for it. Give it time Iris, it will get better.” He smiled trying to make me look on the bright side, but I couldn’t, all I could see was everyone getting on with their lives and me, still stuck on the sidelines with a mate that I don’t even know if he wants me.

“I don’t feel like I belong here anymore and if I don’t belong back at the Full Moon Pack, where does that leave me Lincoln. Because the decision for me to become some Alpha’s guinea pig was made for me all of those years, I’m left to pick up the pieces by myself.” I sighed leaving him stood in the kitchen whilst I curled up into a ball on the sofa, even though I knew Lincoln was trying to make me feel better, I felt more alone than ever.

“You’re not doing this by yourself Iris, you have all of us with you. I have a meeting with some officials that I need to attend for Alban, as soon as it’s done, I will head back here, and we can talk about what we can do to make you feel better. This is your home Iris and slowly, it will start to feel like that again I promise.” He smiled placing his hand down on my shoulder to make me feel better, but his comment before kind of proved my point, but I felt honoured that he wanted to help.

Sending him a tiny smile in return, I watched as he made his way out of the house but sure to look at me with worried eyes. Before I pulled my legs up to my chest and hugged myself so tightly, will this ever feel like home again?

Whilst I sat there and cried a little more, I was unaware my next visitor of the day was on his way, my very own Alpha mate.