CHAPTER 18: THE BEGINING

I didn’t expect that I would be Devon’s girlfriend in an instant because being in a relationship is not in my plan yet, especially with him. I need to fix my life first. I need to fix myself but I am already his girlfriend and I know I will break his heart if I break up with him and I don’t want that to happen because I will be hurt too. I don’t want to see him hurting especially if I am the one who is causing him pain because I will be hurt more if I hurt him but since I am already his girlfriend. I will let it be the way he wanted it to be. I will go with the flow even though I know that only dead men go with the flow. I will still do it because I know loving him is not a mistake and besides, I have Jayvee’s approval so I have nothing to worry about.

Since I am already his girlfriend. I decided to tell him about what happened but skipped the part where I saw the dead man’s body under my bed because I know that it is not real. The body is not under my bed and my mind and eyes are only tricking me. So it is not a big deal anymore and I don’t have to worry about it. 

“What is the feeling when you are already my girlfriend?” He asked with a smile. He is stoned after secretly puffing a mary jane and he passed it on me and I secretly puffed on it too. I coughed and now we are both stoned. Watching the sunset at the playground while listening to the music “Every time I see you” by Fra Lippo Lippi on his phone. 

“This music is so relaxing. Every time I am stoned I listen to this one” He said while singing it too. He has a good voice. Simple and smooth. I guess he is making me fall in love with him more by simply singing the song.

“This song matches us because every time that I am with you… I feel like… like my feet floating from the ground” And he holds my hand while we are both waiting for the sunset.

I sing the song while he's holding my hand but there's a part of the song that lingers like it is reminding me of something important that I already forgot. That is why I stopped singing.

The song is echoing in my ear. The beat and flow of the music are so relaxing, especially right now that he is holding my hand. I feel like I don’t want this to end. Of course; not this night or not ever because I know that we will build a lot of memories together, but what I mean is I want this one to be forever. I don’t want to lose him now like what happened to Jayvee.

“What is the feeling when you are already my girlfriend now?” He asked again because I didn’t answer the first time that he asked me. I smiled and didn’t answer again because I have mixed feelings between happy and scared. I am happy because I know that he is officially mine and I am officially his but scared because I don’t want to lose him. I am scared of losing him. That’s it. Scared of losing him and I feel crazy about that part. Of course; I already lost two men in my life. The men that I loved most; first is my dad and the second was Jayvee. I have a fear that it might happen again. That is why I am doing my best to hold what I feel for him but since he is pushy and I know my feelings too. I gave it a try and we are here sitting at the park trying to be romantic waiting for the sunset and feeling the cold wind.

“I don’t want to lose you like what happened to my ex-boyfriend” Is the right answer that I am looking for. Finally, I already told him while watching the kids who were playing twenty steps away from us.

“You will never gonna lose me,” He said. 

“I just want to have a simple relationship, a happy one… though all relationships have an upside, down I want a faithful and honest one… not like with my past girlfriend or rather I called her ex-girlfriend we end up not in a good term, ” He said. It just pops up out of nowhere. I don’t know why he told me but I am glad that he opened up. Means he is comfortable with me because he opens up about his past. I don’t know what happened to him in the past but I assure him that it will never happen again because I will be good to him. Like who I was before when I was with Jayvee even though I don't know myself anymore. 

“I know you are in deep pain for losing your boyfriend because that is what I feel too. I was in deep pain before losing my girlfriend but I lost her in a different way. I guess it was the most painful one because I caught her cheating on me. I caught her in bed with my friend” He opened up and I was surprised by what I heard because I didn’t expect that someone would waste him just like that. Devon is handsome, he is smart not just in academics but in the street too. I mean he is street smart and protective and sweet and everything.

“Losing someone you love is not difficult; only the level of how you lose them is painful,” He said and I am speechless because what he felt is more painful than mine. I lost Jayvee because of the accident and nobody wants it. While his. He lost his girlfriend because of cheating. Her girlfriend cheated on her by choice and cheating will never be an accident. 

I didn’t say anything but I held his hand close to mine. Telling him that I will never do that to him because I have never cheated in all my life. Especially to those I love. I feel his sincerity. That is why I lean closer to him while still holding his hand and I guess this is the beginning of the new chapter of my life, the new love, the new me with the new relationship. 

We are still listening to the music that is playing on his playlist. When I suddenly remember about the white car and in an instant I feel fear that he might ride there and lose him. I looked at him and asked him about the white car.

“Remember about the white car, the one that I told you?”

He smiled and grabbed me closer to him and he put his arm around my waist. He knows that I am starting to be concerned and be his girlfriend now.

“Of course, don’t worry about me babe,” He said. While his arm was still wrapped around my waist. I leaned on his shoulder and waited for the sun to set. While the music changes into “True” by “Spandau Ballet” That makes me more relaxed. I remember the dead man’s body under my bed and I guess it is okay for me to let him know about it. That is why I looked at him and kissed him on his cheek. I know we are both stoned but being sweet to him because I am looking for perfect timing on how to tell him about the dead body under my bed, is different. 

“Babe” I call him and I know he smiles when I call him babe.

“Yes?” He asked with a smile on his face.

“I have something to tell you” I answered and I lifted my head up to face him but he put it down again. He wants me to just lean on him while he is holding my hand.

“I want to tell you something but I hope you understand.” I started just to make sure that everything was fine before I told him. He didn’t answer but I know he is waiting and ready to listen.

“I had a dream about the murder that the flashes on the news a while ago… about the man who is murdered inside his house… I dreamt about it… his throat was cut and I can tell how it happened but…---” And I suddenly remembered who did it and it was ME. I mean the woman who looks exactly the same as me and I know it is hard to understand and I don’t want to confuse him. That is why I stopped right there and tried to look at him again. I don’t want to tell him about who did it. 

“Then?” He asked in a soft voice

“And then… I … I woke up… I … I… just want to know why he was killed because I want to help him also” I said but he didn’t answer. He is stuck up.

“Baby,” I said and pinched his face. That makes him back to his senses. He took a deep breath and stretched because his mind was floating with the music that we were listening to.

“So you dreamt about the murder?” He asked just to clarify that he got what I was saying and I nodded “yes”

“And you think he is trying to connect with you to ask for help?” He asked.

“Yes,” I answered.

“Maybe we can ask Luna about that,” He suggested. I didn’t answer but I nodded to show that I agree with him and I leaned back to his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around me again. 

“You think… Can Luna help us?” I asked

“Yeah, I trusted her” He answered

“She is my childhood best friend… I remember when we played video games together, took a bath in a rain together, and pee together” He said

“Pee?? you mean?” I asked him if I was thinking correctly about Luna and he nodded.

“Yes, she is a female now that is why I addressed her as ‘she’ now” He answered and he looked at me

“And I respect her for that because I remember how her dad beat her when her dad knows about her… that she was assigned male as birth…----” And he takes a deep breath while recalling everything and “I saw her one time that her mouth is bleeding because her dad found out that she has lipstick and make-ups and other girls stuff” He added.

“That is why when her dad died… Luna works hard for her transition and she really finds her path and looks at her now… so calm, beautiful, glowing, and full of positivity… because she learned how to forgive people who hurt her”

“Wow! That is amazing… I salute her for being strong” I said with amazement after listening to Luna’s life story because it is an inspiring story for me that motivates me to go on with my life, even no matter how hard my situation is. 

“Yes, me too… that is why you need to be strong too… if she can do well you can too… now that I am already here for you and officially yours” He said with a macho effect on his voice that made me smile. Of course, I will be strong because the new chapter of my life is already starting and it is starting here. Right now with him. With Devon.

The wind is getting cold because the sun is slowly setting from the sky. The kids are one by one walking home after playing. Until finally we are all alone in the park. Doing nothing, just listening to music and holding each other's hand like there is no tomorrow because we want to enjoy what we have today because tomorrow is another day, and what we have now. We might not have tomorrow. The feeling that I am safe because I am protected and unsacred just by sitting beside him is priceless. This is my first time to feel romantic even though I am just sitting beside the one I love. Doing nothing, just be with him.