*6*

—Thursday, three in the afternoon.

I had difficulty sleeping last night. I slept maybe five hours a best and then it was plagued with nightmares. They were a confusing mash of elements. The beastly creature, the attack, mental institutions, a monster transformation I think, the creature finding me again, and me being caged in a straight jacket. As expected, morale was low upon waking this morning but I was determined to continue my day and to fight this. 

During my morning classes, I still heard the voices. Well sort of. It’s not internal as what I’ve come to understand is how usually hearing voices works. I know these voices aren’t God or some omnipotent being. No. These sound like my classmates gossiping, begging someone near them to let them copy their notes, or if they understand what the teacher is talking about. I look around and it almost seems as if these conversations are coming from across the room but I know that’s impossible.

The human ear isn’t sensitive enough to pick up a conversation from that distance I'm sure. Oddly enough knowing that it's all in my head seems to relax me and give me the strength to fight it. During my classes, I forced myself to focus on only what I was hearing from the teachers. It took some effort but after a few hours, I managed to make the talking become something of white noise and not so distracting. 

I consider this a victory, albite maybe a small one but a victory none the less. I noticed something a bit off today at lunch. The girls and I went out to lunch at this steakhouse that Kristen wanted to try. Normally I’m not a steak fan. I prefer healthier choices like salads or casseroles but as soon as the smell of cooking meat hit my nose I had to have some. I ordered my steak well done because I don’t see how raw meat could ever be healthy or even taste good.

We're people not animals after all but it seems my senses didn’t agree with the logic. My steak was a good buy when Kristen let me try hers, it was to die for. I ordered one just like she did when I finished mine. That’s right I ate two full-sized steaks and the sides that came with them. Now I'm maybe five-six and weigh about a hundred and thirty pounds. I usually am a snacker- I eat small meals throughout the day. 

Never in my life before this could I have eaten like this. I would've been sick! Is this another symptom of my disconnection with reality?

Friday, Seven a.m.

I had nightmares again last night. The same as the night before with the monster, straight jackets, and so ob. If this is going to be a reoccurring thing I may have to consider sleep aids to make sure I get all the sleep I need or maybe Kirk can come over again. I didn’t have nightmares when he was here Tuesday night.  Either a) he makes me feel safe so my fears aren’t an issue or b) physical exertion tires me so that my brain is too tired to worry itself into a nightmare. I will have to test this theory. —

I look over what I wrote yesterday and today while I wait on Kristen. She’s forcing me to attend her boyfriend’s basketball game. I’m not a big fan of organized sports, watching or playing. But she didn’t want to go alone and Michelle had to work so I get the job. I close my notebook and safely tuck it away. I hear Michelle coming and smell her. How much perfume did she put on today? I wrinkle my nose and try not to gag. I tap my foot impatiently as I wait.

Finally, she joins me and I shoot her an impatient look but all she does is grin at me. “You sure took your sweet time,” I complain. Kristen rolls her eyes at me and gives me a scolding look. “Well it’s true,” I insisted.

“Don’t be such a baby,” she teases me. “I was talking to Derick Johnson. I think he’s into me. Asked me if I can tutor him in math.” A sly grin spreads across her lips. 

“What about Zeke?” I ask then realize that is a dumb question. I already know the answer.

“Zeke,” Kristen says with a sigh. It’s not a dreamy ‘my boyfriend is the best’ sound, but a taxing one; like she has had enough of his crap kind of sound. “He's a nice guy I know that but he’s just…” she says, drifting off as if looking for the right word.

“Not interesting anymore and you’re bored,” I finish for her. She smiles at me and I know that was the right answer. Typical Kristen.

“Yeah, exactly. It’s all become so routine,” she complains with another sigh. Kristen’s not a player so to speak but she loves the chase. Once the chase is over and the “couples” life starts, Kristen gets bored. No man has managed to keep her attention for more than a few months. Zeke was the longest - three months. It was probably because he adores her and the poor guy has no clue. I admit I pity him just a bit but then I end up pitying most of the guys she dates.

“So why am I forced to go to this thing if you’re on the verge of shelving him?” I whine, my pity can only go so far. Kristen gives me the death stare as she twirls her dark hair around her index finger for a posh but deadly look to her.

“I always attend his games Olivia! Shelving a guy is a delicate process and it takes time unless he’s an ass then you don’t even bother with the shelf. You just drop his ass on the floor where he belongs,” She explains with a good dose of sass. I make a loud whine but link my arm with hers as we walk to the gymnasium. It wasn’t long before I heard the loud thump of the bass from whatever song they were playing to pump the audience.

I was so going to get a headache from this, I just know it. I cover my ears as we entered the gymnasium. The music is so loud it hurts. I look around at the crowd as we find our seats, right up front. It didn’t seem to bother anyone else at all. How is that possible? I frown, could this be part of my issues? I was going to ask Kristen if she thought the music is too loud but at that moment the teams came out onto the floor making Kristen jump and scream while clapping.

Forget about headaches, I’m going to end up deaf.  Zeke gave Kristen a bright smile and a wink when he saw her and she waved back, excitedly. I don’t know how she can do that. If I didn’t know her so well I’d think she was head over heels. We sit down and I notice the music doesn’t bother me as bad as it did before. It’s still really loud but it’s not so bad that it hurts. It was about twenty minutes into the game, I am bored out of my mind when the smell hits me or maybe it was always there but now I just noticed it.

The rancid sweaty smell surrounds me till it's all I can smell. It’s like everyone decided not to bathe all week. I try covering my nose but it doesn’t work. The smell is everywhere, on everything, and everyone. Worse, as the place warmed up with everyone’s body heat the smell just got stronger and stronger. I pinch my nose in an attempt to save my weak stomach but it doesn’t help much. I remember one of the articles I read on schizophrenia and psychosis.

One could believe they smell something that isn’t real. Could this be the result of that? I look around once more. No one else seems to be noticing the smell. Kristen isn’t a high-class snob but she’s not some backwater hillbilly either. If this smell is real, she wouldn’t act like it's nothing. She'd be complaining about it and loudly. With that in mind, I tell myself this stench isn’t real and I release my nose and can’t help but recoil for a moment. 

It takes me a few minutes but I manage to either convince myself it’s not real or get used to it. Either way, I manage to breathe and not want to throw up with each breath. The game is over before I know it and we can finally leave. I am practically skipping out of the gymnasium. “Oh it wasn’t that bad,” Kristen scolds me but she’s laughing too.

“I told you it's not my thing. It was hot in there and it stank,” I complain then add, “Where are we going?” I notice Kristen isn’t leaving but taking us deeper into the sports complex.

“To see Zeke, obviously, and since you didn’t complain…that much I'm going to give you a little treat,” she says with an absolute wicked grin. 

“Treat? You do remember I have a boyfriend,” I tell her then remembering who I’m talking to I add, “A boyfriend that I’m perfectly happy with.” She rolls her eyes at me with an over dramatic sigh.

“I know. I don’t get it but I know,” she says then grins, snaking her arm around mine. She pulls me close and with a conspiratory whisper she says, “Of course after you see these guys you may change your mind.” Kristen giggles wickedly and I can’t help but smile. Good Lord, this woman is going to be the death of me. No surprise. Kristen stops at the double doors of the team's locker room.