Chapter 17- Slade, ten years ago

Watching my mate in so much pain and terror, nearly wrecked me, and I knew I had to do something. I couldn’t just sit by and let her suffer, I could feel her fear through the mating bond. I’d heard rumors growing up among the pack that not only could mates sense each other’s strong emotions through the bond, that it was also possible to conscientiously share emotions too. I didn’t think it was going to work, especially because my mate was too young to fully feel the bond, and because she is human, but I knew I had to try. So, I used a calming technique my stepmother Iris taught me back when I was at the height of puberty and learning to control my merge with my wolf, to open myself up to connect with the moon and nature, and I sent those feelings of calm and peace through the bond to Sloane.

The serene smile on her face afterwards, the calming of her breaths and heart, proved it worked, and only then could I relax myself. I didn’t much like feeling I’d just emotionally manipulated my mate though and wondered what all was possible through the bond. Pack elders claim that the mating bonds are moon chosen and only awaken the feelings that lie deep inside us already. I don’t really know what to believe about the bond anymore or how I feel. Sloane isn’t the only one with a lot of shit to process and take in. Though my problems are little in comparison to what she has been through.

At least the sight of the woods around us aren’t making her panic anymore. There is so much beauty to be found in the darkness and among the trees. I want to show it all to her when she is ready, but I feel that stab in my gut when I think that day will not come. I will await on Tidelands pack until I hear of the fate of my kin for certain, till they find Wolfe’s body, then I will leave until I find a way to break the mating bond. It is better this way.  Sloane does not deserve to be tied to a mate who doesn’t believe in their pairing and who has already dedicated himself to the service of the moon and the pack.  She deserves to be put first and a mate who is willing to go all in, to love, protect, and honor her till the end of his days. I am not that wolf.

The Tidelands pack is nestled between the forest and the ocean, making it possible to hear both their songs on the packlands. It is beautiful country, almost as eye pleasing as Shadow Ridge, but not quite. The trees stand tall and proud, the wind carries the salt of the ocean, and the pack houses are made mostly of stone to help withstand the salted  fury of the ocean. The pack has lived on these lands for more than a century now and are one of the largest packs in the country. Having a food source on both land and sea, has helped sustain them, and the stable climate means few cubs or elders are ever lost to cold sickness.  But they are not immune to the often deadly diseases, though rare thank the moon, that only plague our kind, Crimson Lung and Vastantes Furrure (wasting fur).

 I do not know many of them well, only the Alpha Orion, his mate Luna Tawny, and a few of their top betas from when they attended a wolf summit last year when Father actually let me go. Every year, a pack is chosen to host the summit where representatives from all allied packs gather to hold councils to talk over laws, bring forth issues plaguing our kind, and reconnect with our brothers and sisters across the country. Last year, the Whisperhide pack in Wyoming was chosen to host the summit. Hundreds of wolfs gathered from packs all across the nation and I was glad Father let me be a part of it. I made some new friends, one she-wolf in particular named Jade, that made a lasting impression on me. Jade howled at the height of the orgasms I gave her, both when she was wearing her wolf skin, and when she was not. She was the favorite place I was in in Wyoming.

But now, my memories of Jade feel faded and dull, no longer so vibrant, and I know its not because I started messing around with Beryl since last year’s summit. I know the human girl star gazing out the window in the back seat has something to do with it. Even though I have no physical attraction to Sloane, I feel an emotional one. Everyone else in my head, every girl I thought I loved before her, just seems so dull now. I’m a stranger to myself and my own feelings, this bond is scaring the fuck out of me. And I can only imagine how much worse it will get if I allow it to continue and don’t smother it before the flame fully ignites. By my estimation, I have seven years to sever this bond before my mate comes of age and all hope is lost, or so River claims. I will not lose pieces of myself because the moon has decided to fuck up my life and my plans.

River texted Alpha Orion ahead of our arrival so they could prepare for our coming. The alpha assured us all wolfs in their furs, would keep out of sight out of respect for the girls and the trauma they have been through. The last thing they needed was to be greeted by a pack of wolves, literally. The Alpha commanded his pack to also steer clear of them in their human skin as well, to not overwhelm the Cross sisters by being gawked at. He offered to host them in his own house with his mate Luna Tawny, and their twin cubs Violet and Gray. Twin cubs are rare and the pack saw it as a good omen when the twins were born on the day of the wolf moon six years ago. They are the pride of the pack and spoiled by all.

By the time we pull up outside the Alpha’s house, there’s not a wolf in sight, though I can smell them near. I know they must be curious about the cub and the human girl who survived Bale, when no one else could, and for five long days at that. I feel another fierce sense of pride over my mate’s strength and bravery. She watches everything wide eyed, though her heart still beats calm, and she has my knife in her pocket. I try to send more thoughts of serenity into her just in case. I have no reason to fear any harm will befall her or the cub here, but if any wolf so much as looks at her the wrong way, I will set them straight. No one will hurt my mate ever again.

The door to the stone cottage opens and out walks the Alpha and his Luna. Alpha Orion is tall and broad, with skin the color of a coconut, like which flourishes in the trees on the packlands, corded arms, and eyes like blue sea glass.  His mate, Tawny, is named for the color of her human skin, her body curves like a lily, her eyes are large and hazel, and her dark hair in long braids that sway with her graceful steps as she walks. Alpha Orion is moon blessed indeed, his mate is a beautiful, strong and wise Luna, who helps to run the pack.

Luna Tawny seems to help put Sloane at ease, though I know she feels intimidated by the Alpha. They both wait patiently for River and me to talk to the girls and get them out of the Jeep. My mate looks up to the front seat at me and I give her a smile.

“It’s alright, they will not hurt you. Alpha Orion and Luna Tawny are going to let you stay with them until it’s time to take you both to Shadow Ridge. They have a couple cubs not much older than CeCe,” I explain to her.

“Are you going to stay in their house too?”

I can see the pleading in my mate’s eyes that she doesn’t want to be left alone with these strange wolves she doesn’t know, not that I can blame her. But I already made plans to crash in a guest house, as it’s time to start putting some distance between myself and Sloane. The Alpha’s house is a bit crowded. My wolf hates my plan of leaving my mate, even if I’ll only be a few houses away, because she is so emotionally and physically vulnerable right now.

 “It’s a bit too crowded in there, but River is staying here with you and CeCe. And I’ll be just down the road if you need me.”

I can tell she doesn’t like the idea, but she is a proud and stubborn girl, and will not admit she is scared nor wants me to stay with her. She lifts her chin and doesn’t say anything else about it. I let River take over the conversation, as he tells her a bit about the pack, and I move to unload the vehicle. I feel like shit about it, but I need some time away from her. I hope my raging emotions will cool if she’s not in my sight, but something tells me, they are likely to only get worse if she is not nearby. But I have no doubts that River will take good care of her and the cub. Besides, if anything happens to my mate, I’ll feel it through the bond and come to her, and I’ll take care of whatever dares to threaten her.

Alpha Orion is soon by my side, “Need a hand? Welcome to the Tidelands. It’s an honor to have you Ironclaws here. My home is your home. Especially in such troubling times. May the moon be in our favor and return your kin.”

My throat feels tight, “Thank you for your hospitality, Alpha Orion. It’s good to see you again, though I wish the circumstances were different.”

He clasps my shoulder, “As do I. Let me help you get your gear. Girls come with lots of stuff, don’t they?”

I snort, “True. No matter the species.”

“What about you and your collection of antlers, pelts, and wood carvings, oh mate of mine? They take up half of the house,” says Luna Tawny sweetly.

“Right, you are my Luna. As always.”

River gets out of the Jeep and goes to the back where the cub has slept through our arrival so far. He unbuckles her from her car seat and carefully pulls CeCe to his chest. He has grown quite fond of the little she-cub in only a matter of hours, though it’s hard not to. I feel rather protective and fond of her myself. Sloane lingers in the Jeep for a bit more, and no one makes a move to rush her.

Luna Tawny smiles warmly, “Hello. I would be more than happy to take that sweet cub off your hands, Beta River.”

I can see that River doesn’t want to give CeCe up, I think he wants to keep her, like permanently. He would be a good Father and Willow a good mother to the cub. But law of the pack says she goes to her next of kin, which would be Rose Fangman, Bale’s mother. Rose is not crazy or unstable like her son or her mate was, she is a kind and gentle wolf. No matter how Celeste was created, Rose will love her and do right by her granddaughter. Only if she refuses to take the cub in, would River and Willow be able to make a claim to raise the she-wolf themselves.

River hands Celeste over to Luna Tawny, and the cub settles into the she-wolf barely stirring, the poor little thing is so tuckered out. Sloane decides to get out of the backseat, though she hides her hands up in the sleeves of her hoodie, and tucks her hair into the hood, as if trying to make herself hidden. I can feel her anxiety and it saddens me that I can’t take it all away. River snakes an arm around her shoulders and bumps her playfully with his hip.

“You would blend in better if you didn’t look like a rainbow exploded,” he grins, “what’s with you and tie-dye anyway?”

I can see my mate fighting a smile and losing the battle, “Shut it. It’s a phase I’m going through. What’s with you and having hair like a mermaid anyway?”

He laughs, “Touché. Luna Tawny, this brat here is Sloane. And that tall, gentlemen is Alpha Orion.”

“But don’t you worry about him, his bark is far worse than his bite. We’re so happy you’re here Sloane. Anything you need, all you have to do is ask. I’m sure your tired and hungry, after being on the road, let’s go get you something to eat, and a warm bed to sleep in. How does that sound?” offers the Luna.

“That sounds great thank you.”

I don’t miss the way my mate’s eyes glance back to see if I’m following her into the house. I trail behind with arms loaded with the girl’s things, as does River, and Alpha Orion. Their home is clean, but beautifully messy at the same time. Toys seem to be coming out of the walls and lay scattered all around. The furniture is well loved and broken in, and I prefer it to cookie cutter houses that look like a filter is on.  The reasons for the mess, are currently asleep in Gray’s bedroom, as Luna Tawny bunked the twins together for the night to give the girls Violet’s room.

 I follow the Luna and my mate into the small purple bedroom with a night sky painted on the ceiling and dump the luggage on the floor. She tucks the cub into the twin size bed and makes sure the moon shaped night light is turned on.

This is where I will leave my mate. In the hands of Luna Tawny who promises to show her where the kitchen is and fix her whatever she wants to eat. I drag a hand through my hair.

“Well, good night then. Try not to stay up too late,” I say lamely.

Sloane rolls her eyes at me, “It’s four in the morning. It’s already too late.”

“Or early depending on how you look at it. See you.”

My boots make it to the door, and I don’t plan on looking back. She’ll be fine with River and the Alpha to protect her. Her voice halts me in my tracks.

“When will I see you again? Are you coming back?”

“Tomorrow,” I promise in spite of my resolve to stay away, “well technically, I’ll see you later today. Be good for Luna Tawny. Sweet dreams.”

“Okay.”

I make it halfway down the hall when what I hear nearly makes me turn around and go to her.

“Please keep the light on. CeCe will be scared if she wakes up in the dark,” I hear my mate tell the Luna.

I know it’s not just the cub who is scared of the dark now. I remember the box of horror movies stashed under Sloane’s bed and my chest tightens. The rogue took far too much from my mate, her parents, her sense of security, her love of things that go bump in the night, and pieces of her childhood. I want to kill him allover again. Slowly and painfully.

I force myself to walk away and leave that house. River especially doesn’t question my decision to sleep elsewhere, and Alpha Orion takes me to the guest cabin. We talk a bit about what we know so far on the search for Wolfe and the rogue, which is nothing more than I knew before we left the motel earlier. The pack considers it a recovery mission, not a rescue mission, and are scouring a hundred and thirty miles of riverbank between Florida and Georgia looking for the remains. They hope to have something to return of my cousin for the ceremony to give him to the sky and hope to give the rogue back to the Earth as is our way. For all I care, Bale can burn in hell and his remains rot at the bottom of the river. He was a taint on the land when he was alive and will be the same in death.

I chase sleep for a while, restless in the bed, as my thoughts are dominated by Wolfe and my mate. Both cause me great turmoil. I think over the last words I spoke to my cousin, I told him to eat me after he made a crude comment about me squatting to take a piss. That was not long before I disobeyed my father’s command and took off into the swamp to find my mate. But he had to know I loved him, even if we never really said it with words. That we had each other’s backs through thick and thin, I always loved my cousin, even the times I didn’t like him very much.

River’s phone call breaks me from my melancholy, and I try to make sure he doesn’t hear the tears in my voice.  He calls to check in, though I don’t feel like talking about my feelings over finding my mate, or the loss of one of our own and I brush him off. He lets me know he’s arranged Max to be driven down from the Blue Moon pack to surprise the girls this evening. I’m glad they will be reunited with their pet and Little Alpha will now also find a place among our pack.  I know my mate especially will be overjoyed and I smile just imagining it.

My smile does not last too much longer, when I feel intense fear through the bond, and the echo of my mate’s screams. My body responds on instinct and my legs take me from the bed and to the Alpha’s house in no time at all. I nearly bust through the bedroom window, a snarl on my lips, my eyes a glow, as I peer inside, as my mate cries. She thrashes in her bed, and I realize she is having a bad dream. Luna Tawny appears in the room and catches my eye through the glass. I back off from the pane, but I don’t go too far, as the Luna goes to comfort my mate. I should be the one to comfort her like last night.

The cub is awakened by her sister’s screams and looks around in terror and confusion. The Luna’s voice is calm and soothing as she kneels by the bed and strokes the sweaty brow of my mate. I try and send her good thoughts through the bond, though I can feel her grief and dread. The Luna talks Sloane down until she no longer cries, then picks up the cub and rocks her in the rocking chair. The she-wolf sings to the girls, and she keeps the lights on. Sloane sees me peering in the glass, and she lets out a breath then settles back down against the pillow. I keep watch outside the window until night has passed and the sun is high in the sky. As my mate falls into a deep sleep and gets some well needed rest. Luna Tawny takes the wide-eyed cub out of the room to meet the twins as I can already hear the patter of their little feet and excited voices.

I stick close to the cottage for the rest of the day, though I keep outside. CeCe is already adjusting well to pack life and coming out of her shell. By mid-day, the little one is streaking through the Tidelands, chasing butterflies, and her new cub mates. They roll around in the grass and howl and I’m afraid of how my mate will react when she awakens to see it. Celeste is learning how to be a wolf and her natural instincts are taking over. She pounces on crickets the way Gray and Violet teaches her, already learning to hunt, and is far faster than a human four-year-old. Her scratches are now nothing but faded pink lines and under the Luna’s care, she is well fed and hydrated, showing no signs of the lethargic cub we rescued only the day before. She is a resilient little thing.

 River also keeps a close watch on our charges and his cell phone for any updates from our hunter band. I never stray too far away, even as my mate sleeps into early afternoon. After she awakens, and is fed, Luna takes her to the pack healer to be looked over. The cub got her turn earlier in the day and got a clean bill of health, but my mate was the more injured of the pair and she is only human. In some ways, she is so fragile, but Sloane is also the strongest person I know. She survived and endured a lot, most of which I know she has not told me, but the things she has, are bad enough.

I let her see me in the yard, so she knows I haven’t abandoned her, and that I kept my promise, but I don’t follow her inside the clinic where the healer waits to examine her. I can’t help but eavesdrop, though I know I shouldn’t, I should respect her privacy. But at the same time, I need to know what all that savage mother fucker did to her. She’ll likely be more open to the female healer and in the presence of Luna Tawny who stays with my mate through it. I wait with my fists clenched outside as the healer asks her those most sensitive questions. I nearly lose my tenuous composure entirely when the healer asks Sloane’s permission to take swabs of her genitals, I know which humans use to test for sexually transmitted diseases. Wolfs can carry these diseases, and pass them to humans, but don’t usually get symptoms of them thanks to the strong immunity of our wolfblood.

I pound my knuckles into the stone wall. Even though Sloane stutters she wasn’t touched like that, the healer must be sure so proper treatments can be given if the rogue did abuse her in that way. The anger and violence I feel towards the rogue, especially in that moment, nearly scares me.  I want to rip his fucking head from his body, but even that would be too good and quick a death for him. It’s a shame Hollis got the honor to tear his throat out. He got off far too easy.

The healer cleans up her foot and slathers the wound with a salve I know contains wolfblood to spread up healing and reduce the risk of infection, her cheek is already scabbed over and healing well. Afterwards, the healer talks to Luna Tawny in private as Sloane gets dressed. It’s a relief to know the healer doesn’t see any outright evidence of sexual abuse, but I’m still worried he could have done other sick things to her that wouldn’t leave obvious evidence behind.

At least all the cubs are dressed, though barefoot and eating popsicles, when Sloane comes out of the healers. She looks for me and I give her a wave and a smile, though I’m still uneasy and envisioning all the ways I want to make Bale suffer. I can feel the lingering effects of her mortification over the questions and the exam.  Celeste offers her sister an icy treat and invites her to come and play. But my mate hangs back, and is still very uncomfortable, feeling exposed and out in the open. More wolves, though on two legs, are out and about, and some do stare longer than they should in her direction. I fight down the instinct to tell them all to mind their own fucking business.

Max arrives just at the right time before I resort to violence or taking my mate somewhere where she feels more comfortable. I can smell the dog long before I see truck pulls up. The Golden Retriever is in the seat in between two high up beta’s from the Blue Moon Pack, one of which had joined our hunter band in the search around Crosby for the girls. The dog sees the girls first and goes crazy with excitement to get to them, barking, climbing onto Beta Everest’s lap and trying to escape through the half-opened window. With a laugh the wolf rolls the window down the rest of the way and lets the dog jump out.

CeCe squeals in delight as Little Alpha reaches her first and gets her right in the face with his tongue. In his tail wagging excitement, he knocks the little cub down to the ground, and she giggles as the dog continues to lick her everywhere he can get to. The bigger of the twins Violet, who has beaded hair, her father’s pale blue eyes, and is missing two front teeth, hugs the dog around the neck and gets treated to a lick as well. Sloane leaves her spot from near the side of the house and is soon on her knees in the grass with her arms wrapped around Max. For once, I know my mate cries tears of joy, instead of sorrow. I feel a burn in my own eyes watching her, she doesn’t seem to want to let Max go, even when he licks the salt of her tears away, and she only burrows her face against his fur deeper.

The betas of the Blue Moon Pack are also thoughtful enough to return the girl’s stuffed animals we loaned them to help track their scents. It isn’t much, isn’t enough, but I’m glad we give them back some small pieces of home. Celeste jumps for joy when she sees her teddy bear and Sloane smiles through her tears when Beta Everest hands her that stuffed bumblebee I took from her room back in Camden.

And I know my mate is going to be okay. It is going to take her time to heal, but she will be in the best possible place to do it. She will be protected by the pack, with her sister, with her dog, her stuffed bee, and other wolfs in her life to make it the best one possible. But her life will not include me in it. I need to let her go before I only drag her down with me. She deserves better and needs to be with a human mate. I need to find a way to break the bond before she is old enough to fully feel it. I need to free us both.

Her night-colored eyes search me out and our gazes lock. She steals my breath when she looks at me like that. With trust in her eyes. And I know it is time to go. Wolfe is lost to us, I have already accepted that, though I will feel badly about missing his ceremony which will take place back home on pack lands. My mate is already lost to me too. Some things can never be, no matter how much we may want them. I love her enough to let her go and it is the best thing I can do for my mate. I will not give the bond a chance to ripen, to fall in love with her, only to watch her die while carrying my cub someday or lose her to some other human disease or old age. Humans are weak and fragile things.

The sun will go down soon. Then I will leave. I will not return to the land of my birth until I have conquered the mating bond or severed it. For now, no matter how painful it is, no matter how many times my breath catches in my throat, as my mates eyes always wander back to me, I stand guard and I wait for the darkness to come. I build a steel cage around my heart I won’t let her puncture through.

My mate returns indoors when twilight comes, still afraid to be out after dark. I make no move to follow, but she trusts I will be here when she wakes up again. I do not tell her any differently, nor do I tell her goodbye. It feels as though that steel cage is puncturing into my own heart as I tear my eyes from her window, where Max is now asleep on the floor by her feet. I force myself back to the guest house. I have yet to unpack, so it is easy for me to gather my shit and toss it into the Jeep. I can hear the wolves running in the forest, though they are respectful not to howl or come too close to the Alpha’s house. A part of me longs to run beside them, to help burn off this relentless tension in my fucking chest.  I wonder how my mate will handle her first full moon on my packlands when all, but the cubs will take to their wolfskins and run in the moonlight. My wolf longs to be let loose. My wolf longs to stay here and watch over my mate.

Instead, I jerk open the Jeep door and toss my gear inside. When I start the engine, and turn on the headlights, River stands there in the glow. His hands tap down against the hood.

“Going somewhere, little cuz?”

“Get out of my way River and don’t try and stop me,” I warn with a growl.

“So that’s it then? You’re just going to turn tail and run? Run from this, from your feelings, from your mate? I never took you for a coward, Slade.”

I grit my teeth, “I just need some time to get my head on straight and take this all in.”

He stares me down for several seconds more. Then he finally lets up off the hood and steps aside. He crosses his muscled arms.

“Fine, take your time. Sow your wild oats and get that shit out of your system until you come to your senses and come home to your mate. You can’t run from this forever. She is your fate, your future Slade. The sooner you accept that, the happier you’ll be.”

I put the truck in gear, “My fate is for me to decide.”

He laughs at that, then comes around to the driver’s side window, “Keep telling yourself that. Our whole lives are already written in the sky. The moon knows best. But you’ll learn this the hard way, you stubborn ass.  But don’t go out there and do something fucking stupid Slade. Wolves aren’t meant to hunt alone.”

“Thanks for your unwanted and unwelcomed advice. I’ll keep in touch from time to time. Goodbye.”

I don’t make him any promises. Hunting rogues is in my blood. If I come across one as I make my way out in the human world, I will take him down. I can take on odd jobs here and there when my money runs out. I’ll be fine. I can make it in the human world without relying on my pack. I don’t need anyone.

“Just make it home alive, Slade. Our pack, our family, has lost enough already. So has your mate. You’re making a big fucking mistake, Cuz. But in time, you’ll see that.”

River steps aside and I leave him in the dust of my rearview mirror. I make it nearly off the packlands before that thread in my chest is squeezing so dam tight, I can hardly breathe. I need to see my mate one last time before I go. I need to see her through the eyes of my wolf, my one and only time, before I find a way to break the bond. I get out of the Jeep, strip down bare, and leave my clothes in the truck. I merge with my wolf and my paws instantly carry me outside my mate’s window. I expect her to be asleep by now, it is late, and the night is deep, but there she stands looking up at the stars through the glass.

I try to merge back into the shadows, but my mate has already seen me. I do not want to cause her anymore fear. But as I retreat, she presses herself closer to the glass, and I still. She watches me and I watch her, and she should be afraid of me, but I can’t feel any of her fear. She places a hand up against the glass and smiles at me. She recognizes me and knows me even in my wolf skin. And she is not afraid.

But I am terrified. I turn, tuck my tail between my legs, and I run. I flee like the coward I am. And I do not look back.