Chapter I: 101 Ways To Die

It was a boring day.

Well, it was and it has been like this since no one knows when.

Waking up every day for the reason that I want to die, going to work for some ironic reason—for my daily living. Magastos kasi mag-isip kung paano mamatay. And going back to my place trying to kill myself.

Trying.

Like, right now.

I busied myself finding a nice rope. I spent the whole day at different stores, buying what I needed.

Yes, today I am planning to hang myself. Bigti.

I am really hoping to succeed with this one because my last three attempts all failed.

At first, I bought lots of medicine, grabbing every box I’ve seen at the drugstore. I didn't bother to read the names and so it happens that those meds were multivitamins. I can still remember the smile of the girl at the cashier as she punched the ten boxes of multivitamins with different brands. I almost rolled my eyes on her, but I didn't. It was my stupidity so I should be mad at myself. And it was another stupidity to die from a multivitamin overdose.

The second one was to drown myself in the enormous river near my place. I successfully jumped over the bridge and as I submerged deep underwater my consciousness was slowly losing. I closed my eyes and felt the endless falling and being one with the water, but then I woke up in a hospital bed. A group of teenagers found me and claimed that they saved me from drowning. Little did they know I was killing myself. They reported the incident to the police and so I just said that I was drunk and I do not know why I ended up at the river. The drunk part was true tho. Easy. I almost congratulate myself for being such an actress because I kept on thanking the four teenagers. They were put on the headline after they became my “life saver,” even though I don’t wanna be saved, not at all.

And a week ago, I almost jumped at the bridge but an old man—a beggar, came to me and asked for money. I gave him all my money so he would shut up, I thought he already left so I was preparing to jump. He held my hand and let me off the bridge, he lectured me like he was a priest and said a lot of stuff that I didn't bother to listen to. My mood was ruined, I left him and I walked on my way to my apartment because I do not have even a centavo to pay for a ride.

But today—is of course a boring day. A special boring day, the day that I will die.

I was walking through the dark hallway, on my way to my room. Darkness was all over the floor, it seems like the management cannot afford to buy enough light bulbs to light up the whole building. The dust was stuck in my hands and nose as I held the door knob. The slow turning of the knob and the creaking sound of the door thrilled me.

I walked through the balcony which overlooked the city. The darkness was slowly eating the horizon, noises were continuously growing and the streets became busier than in broad daylight. I think this will be the last time to appreciate this scenery.

I decided to go inside after composing myself a little, the deafening silence welcomed me.

I looked above my ceiling, there were no visible woods, hooks, steel, or anything that I can use to tie up the rope so I inspected my whole place. At the bathroom, there is a long, old, rusty tube near the rusty shower hanging across the division of the tub door and the whole bathroom door. I held onto it to weigh if it could manage to hold me for a long time, and it did. I sighed in relief.

I got on a chair and tied up the rope.

After setting it up, my heart pounded like it wanted to come out of my skin. The silence was defeated by the pounding of my heart and the noise that came from the harsh flow of water.

I forgot to change my dress.

Paano ko nga ba malilimutan iyon?

So, I walked back into my bedroom only to wear the dress. It was a cream-white-off-shoulder floral dress which was above my knee. Mom bought it not more than a year ago.

I looked at myself in the whole-body mirror, I turned around only to see a man on the balcony. He was knocking at the glass transparent door, looking at me. He ducked, his eyes widened, he was mouthing something I cannot understand. He continuously knocks, he was furiously knocking at my door! My brows furrowed; it took me forever before I reluctantly opened it. He immediately got in and caught his breath. “Thank you! Salamat! Salamat!” His sweat was all over his body.

As I was about to close the door, I heard a commotion outside. So, I stepped out and looked down, my place is on the third floor so I can still clearly see and hear what is happening below. Hindi naman ganun ka-taas ang apartment na ito.

“Nawala!” Mayroong limang lalaki na tumatakbo papalapit sa apartment na inuupahan ko. They look like goons straight out from an action movie.

A man on white shirt and a big body said, “tingnan niyo doon!” Then a guy on black shirt answered, “yare tayo nito!” Nagsimula na silang kumamot sa ulo nila.

“Maghanap kasi kayo, hindi ‘yung puro kayo dada!” sounds like the guy that just shouted was their leader. “Doon kami sa kabilang eskinita, dito na kayo. Tawagan niyo agad kami kapag nakita niyo!”

Nang nawala na sila ay isinarado ko na ang pinto. The man I let to come in was now sitting on my bed, scratching his nape.

Just what the heck is happening?

“Sino ka? Who are those men? Ikaw ba ‘yung hinahanap nila?” He got up so I stepped backwards, away from him.

“Chill. I would answer all of your questions, miss.” I feel like my brows are colliding.

He stared at my dress then he let his eyes wander all over my untidy place. “Salamat. For saving me and for opening the door.” He said in the sincerest tone I’ve ever heard. I sighed.

“Yes, okay. Whatever. Ikaw ba ‘yung hinahanap ng limang lalaki kanina?” He nodded, “why? May atraso ka sa kanila?” Just thinking about it gives me chills. Ayokong madamay sa mga ganoong bagay, surely, I wanna die but not in the hands of anybody. If I die, it will be because of me and myself alone. He did not answer, his face looks like saying “meh.” He doesn't wanna say.

A dummy, after saying he would answer all of my questions, he would just give me that attitude.

“Another favor,” I crossed my arms, “before answering all of your questions, can I use your bathroom?” My eyes widened. To the bathroom. My rope was hanging there. And I am supposed to be hanged by now!

“No!” Mukha siyang nabigla, masyado yatang malakas at mataas ang pagkakasabi ko nu’n. “No, I mean. Hindi nagana ‘yung flash sa cr.” He slowly nodded, “I’ll just wash my hands,” he muttered.

“No!” Now I am very sure that my voice was really high and loud, “t-the water is not available at this time. You know, uhm...water rotation.” He then slowly nodded and looked at me with his face full of confusion. “I could hear the water flowing right now.” I slammed my forehead in my imagination.

Stupid!

I should’ve made a better reason. Why would I be bothered anyway, can’t he just get that I don’t want him in my bathroom or in my room! In my place!

“Okay go,” I sighed in annoyance. I felt like the whole thing just turned into a slow motion as he walked inside my bathroom.

I was walking back-and-forth and I felt like he was inside for an hour!

Hinintay ko siyang lumabas, nakapag-isip na din ako ng sasabihin ko just in case he asked me about the hanging rope. This is so strange! It is really strange to explain this to a stranger! A hundred and one percent weird and strange.

He walked out casually, hands in his back. “The rope is—,” he cut me off, “rope? What rope?” I immediately shut my mouth. He was staring at me, waiting for my answer. “No. Yeah. There’s no rope. Are you done? Okay na siguro ‘yung tulong na nagawa ko para sa’yo.”

He did not say anything, he just looked at me and my dress for the nth time and scanned my room.