Chapter 2 (The Lost Self)

It's been a week since I got discharged from the hospital. I think I collapse to the fact that 'Aunty Blare' was my mom. Or maybe, I was flooded with heavy, weary thoughts. 

Even though I am still laying on the bed staring at this empty ceiling, I see a picture inside my head. I don't know what's up to me, but it's like I've been playing with fate. 

My heart skips a beat when I hear the voices inside my head saying, "This child should rot to death!" Likewise, "I shouldn't have given birth to you." 

A tear escaped from my eye as I know for a fact that those words are for me. Suddenly, my left ear buzzes, and it kind of hurt me. 

I clenched my hand as I held my hair, trying to ease myself. 

"I promise I will save you from this stupid place, Dre--." I heard a kid's voice, and I am utterly confused by the context he is saying. Who is this kid referring to? What does he mean? 

Then, I heard a knock on my door. I turn my scrunching face to the door as I mutter lowly, "come in."

The door slowly creaks open, and my eyes land on the woman entering my room.

'Aunty Blare.' I said inside my head, and I try to shake it off as I called her, "Mom." 

Mother's eyes glisten when she heard me calling for her. She quickly closed the door and runs towards me. Surprisingly, she pause when she got a better view of my face, and she asked me in a concerned tone, "Honey, are you okay?" 

Carving a fake smile, I replied, "Should I say I am trying to be okay, Mother?" 

Her brows furrow as she walks closer to me. Mother's hand tangles around my neck as she places a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"It's okay not to be okay, Honey. I don't want you to pretend you are fine. I don't want to lose you again." Her voice was laced with sadness and grief. I could feel my heart shattered into pieces listening to her tone because I don't want to hurt her emotions. 

'Is it really right to be selfless for the sake of other people?' So I thought. 

I sighed loudly, and mother removes her hands away from me. Moreover, her hands were cold as ice. I bet our feeling is mutual.

"Are you having a headache?" My mother asked as she force a smile on her face. 

I could not deny the pain in my head, so I silently nodded at her. 

Sighing, she turns around to walk on the near drawer in my room. I can see her tensed movement as she looks for the medicine. 

"You know, the doctor told me you are suffering from dissociative amnesia, which is why you forgot your name, family, and personal history." Her voice rasps, and I heard a little sniffle on her nose. 

I could not say a word to her as I don't know how to comfort her. I know, I have a lot of questions to ask about myself. But as of the moment, my tongue is tied. It hurts, though. It's not easy not to be yourself. I feel a void in my heart. I feel the need to search for an answer to it, but how? 

"The doctor said it may last for months or years..." Mother continued as she bit her lips. She turns her gaze back at me, meeting mine. 

I couldn't stay silent as I accidentally blurted out, "Mom, why there are signs of abuse in my body? I learned it from Doctor Smith." 

I can see her body flinched at my question as I try so hard not to break down.

Sadly, my mother breaks down to her knees as she wept, "Honey, I don't know... I really don't know... You grew distant from me, and I didn't know you are in pain. I-I am sorry I couldn't help you when you needed me the most." 

For an unknown reason, I scoffed at her words. She noticed my displeasure display as she keeps murmuring, "I am so sorry, Erina. I am sorry."

A surge of curiosity reached my mind as I asked my mother in a monotonous tone, "Mom, kindly hand me a mirror." I extend a hand as my other hand touches my cheek. 

I mean, I don't know how I look, so I am quite interested. Also, I don't want to stick with the previous topic since I made my mother cry. I feel bad for her. 

"Will you drink this medicine first?" My mother hesitantly handed me the medicine. 

Yeah, how could I forget my headache? I take the medicine from my Mother's hand, and she quickly hands me the water on the table. 

In no time, I take in the medicine and breathed out loudly as my Mother looked for a small mirror. 

Tilting her head to the side, I gave her a firm nod and she finds the mirror and handed it to me. 

*BA DUM* 

The sound of my beating heart violates my chest. My hands are trembling because I don't know what to expect. 

As soon as I lifted the mirror in front of my face, my mouth gasped in astonishment. 

What I see in the mirror is a sculpture of softness. The woman inside the mirror had safe brown eyes, perhaps that's the best word to define them. I run my fingers on this delicate cheek as I continue to study my face. 

"That's you, Honey!" My mother exclaimed with a little hint of excitement. She wipes her tears away, and she flashed out a fixated smile as I paused to stare at her.

"Tell me what you see in the mirror. I would love to hear from you," She added while she sits on the couch, watching me admiring the reflection. 

Gladly, she stopped her tears from falling as her breathing calms down. Then, I continue to observe the reflection. 

"I-She had a beauty that made those Disney Princesses look as paper-thin as they are, she is organic, authentic. I couldn't tell how old this woman is... It's like age couldn't caress this kind of charm. It's there, and you can see it. I just hope she was happy... Glowing inside." I could feel my throat tightens as I find it hard to speak my last words. 

My mother did not say a word, and I can still feel her gaze on me. So, I place the mirror beside my pillow. 

I look down and play with my fingers for a moment, indicating that this silence is boring me to the bones. 

No one dares to break the silence since I don't like it. Therefore, I initiated another topic to talk about.

"Mother, what kind of man is this woman married to?" I considerably asked because I don't sense the 'attachment' whenever I heard the man's name. 

"H-He was the love of your life, your first love. You made an extra effort to make him coffee every day each time you two had breakfast. You gave him all of the worlds. I could see your eyes shine when you met him. There's no single moment that you hated when you're with him..." 

I silently clicked my touch, and I decided to cut her mouth off, "Mom, you are not talking about the man I married. You are talking about me. It sounded like a one-sided affair." 

I am aware my voice was creamed with coldness and bitterness. I didn't ask for myself, so why is she telling me this? Is she hiding something from me too? 

After that, I sensed a tingly feeling, and I look at my mother in disbelief. Her hands are holding mine firmly.

"It's better if you meet him, so you will know. You have to clear everything with him, Erina. I know you have no clue about the past. But, see this as an opportunity to connect with him again. I am sure he is worried about you." She simply just said that while averting her eyes from glancing at my questioning face.

'If he was totally worried about me. He could have visited me multiple times. This shit is kind of fishy.' I told myself.

"Mom?" I called her to get her attention back at me. There's no denying it, I can feel my mother's anxiousness, and I shouldn't feel offended by her reaction because I could mess things up.

"Honey, I forgot to tell you that you will be going back to your husband's mansion." Exhaling, my mother gets up from my bed.

"Huh? Why so sudden?" I puzzled out as my nose scrunched. God, I am not ready to face him. Hell! I don't even know what he looks like. 

"Can I just stay here?" I plead, showing my puppy eyes. 

"You need to be with him as he needs to be with you," She informed me, sliding her hands away from mine.

There, I know my life will change. Another door that's waiting for me to open...

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*AH!*

Here am I standing, pacing inside my room back and forth, biting my nails. My life kinda sucks! I couldn't believe my petty face doesn't work on my mom. She didn't even dare to stop me from getting dragged out of her house!  

After a day of a deep conversation with my mother, I arrived at my husband's mansion! 

What I find very strange is that the maid is refusing to take any orders from me. 

Shit! What am I supposed to do and How am I supposed to act?! 

Note: I hope you guys are doing well! Happy reading 😊