LOGINShare
18. Good Hunting
Last Updated:
2021-09-13 17:13:26Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 19. Let’s Get Salty
Salt. Holy shit. For one chob, we’d got a small bag of salt that would last us weeks. One pinch was enough to season a plate of food. You can keep your crack cocaine and your black tar heroin. That night’s rabbit stew blew our minds.After we ate, it became clear the other groups had moved on. Levelled up. Cleared the final boss. Found a way to Stage 2. Who knows? They were gone, and we were still here.We threw some extra logs on the fire just for the hell of it and considered our next move.“From tomorrow,” I said, “we’re really going to have to start grinding those rabbits.”“Ugh!” said Flossie. “Why?”“No,” I said. “What I mean is, we have to kill a lot more and as quickly as possible. It’s going to be a grind, like how a boring job is a grind, but it’s the best way for us to make money without too many risks. Once we can afford better equipment, we can think about hunting more rewarding beasts.”They all nodded knowingly. Two days in and they were all veterans. Sadly, rabbit
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 20. Equipment Upgrade
As the others sat around the fire, smiling at each other, talking freely, you could see the bonds forming between them. Loyalty, concern, affection. All beautiful symbols of friendship, and all next to useless.You might think a party who are willing to die for each other would provide a powerful advantage in a fight. But the aim isn’t to die, it’s to stay alive.What I needed from them was obedience, focus and an unwavering desire to win. Fat chance of getting those qualities out of this lot.“Get all our equipment out, I’ll be back in a minute.” If it sounds like I was talking down to them, acting like I was in charge, that’s not how it was. They did as I asked not because I was the leader, but because they had started to trust me. They hadn’t just bonded with each other, they had bonded with me as well. We were in this together. Or at least that’s how they saw it.I saw it in more practical terms. I had to tell them what to do because otherwise they might start thinking for them
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 21. Shrek 2
I had a plan. Wait until it gets late and Grayson and his boys go off to wherever they went to at night, then ransack the shed for every secret hidden behind the curtain and in the desk drawers. Excellent plan, I think we can all agree.Unfortunately, the moment I put my head down to give my eyes a rest, I was out like a light. Whether my body was getting used to being in this place or I was just knackered, the next thing I knew, it was morning.We were woken by Grayson banging a spoon on a dish (I knew the bastard had spoons hidden somewhere!).“Good morning,” he boomed cheerfully. “Looks like it’s going to be another beautiful day. Sunshine and fresh air aplenty.”We groggily got up, faces squishy and eyes glued shut. The fire was dead, and it looked like the last two days of constant fear and anxiety had wiped us all out.“Now, I do want to remind those of you left, I and my men will be leaving today. You’ll need somewhere else to sleep, and you’ll have to take care of your oth
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 22. Choose Your Own Adventure
Running away felt good. Partly because the distance between me and the monster was getting bigger, and partly because it always feels good running downhill.You might think it was a missed opportunity. The ogre had no idea we were there, the ideal chance for a sneak attack. What a prize we might have claimed! Yeah, well, death ain’t much of a prize. The problem is, you can’t understand what it’s like to see an actual monster.Imagine if you walked into your living room and a gorilla was sitting in your favourite chair. You’d shit yourself, right? Now imagine the gorilla ten times bigger, with the face of the uncle who molested you when you were a kid, and you’re in the ballpark. Oh, you didn’t have an uncle like that? Sure, and you think I’m the one in denial.I didn’t stop till I was back in town. I zoomed around the wheatfield and didn’t slow down as I approached the buildings. Not once did I look back to see if the others were following. If they couldn’t understand basic instruct
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 23. Gotta Catch ‘Em All
The bunnicorn sat there, twitching slightly. The grass around the pile of shit had wilted and withered, slimy with shit that hadn’t dried out. I thought it might feel exposed out in the open with five strangers standing around. But then, the rabbits back in the meadow never gave a damn about us, and, as it turned out, neither did this one.It shook its head, pawed at the ground and then lowered its head, aiming the horn at me. It charged.With all the available targets, why it should decide I deserved to have my ankles gored, I don’t know. I guess I’m just lucky.I took a few stumbling steps backwards as it came at me, then turned and ran.“Hey, do something!” I called out to the others. They decided to offer me the absolute worst form of help: encouragement.“Run!”“Dodge left.”“Don’t let it touch you, it’s covered in shit.”The rabbits back in the meadow had been slow and listless. This thing was hyper. I headed for the taller grass, hoping I might lose it if it couldn’t see
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 24. Prepare to Fight
“Shouldn’t we all go in together?” asked Claire.“No,” I said. “I’m going to have a quick look just to see what’s in there. If it’s okay, then I’ll come get the rest of you. If it isn’t, then I’ll be running when I come out. If I’m running, that’s your cue to also start running, got it?”How brave, how selfless. I planned to investigate this dark, forbidding cave alone — had I suddenly found my true hero’s heart? No. I just didn’t want them stumbling around in there, attracting attention and getting in my way when I tried to get the hell out.My intention was to literally stick my head in the cave entrance, see what was in there and see if it looked safe to investigate further, and then call the others over. Heroics would be kept to a minimum. And by minimum, I mean exactly zero.“Remember, if I run out, don’t wait to see what’s behind me, don’t ask questions or make any noise at all — get in the water and head for the island. If they can swim, at least we’ll be able to defend ours
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 25. Monster Hunter 1.0
Once I’d explained we weren’t in any immediate danger and they’d calmed down, I told them what I’d seen. I used a stick to draw a rough map in the ground, showing the layout.“That’s it?” said Maurice. “Just five rooms?”“There’s also whatever’s under the trap door. I figure the two of them used it to avoid being captured when the other mice were killed. If they have any treasure, that’s probably where they keep it. Of course, who knows what mice consider valuable? It could just be a big lump of cheese.”“Actually,” said Dudley, “mice don’t really like cheese. Bread or even chocolate works better in traps. Their love of cheese is a myth.”“Thank you for that, Dudley,” I said sarcastically. “Very interesting.”“You’re very welcome,” replied Dudley with complete sincerity.“So you want us to go in there and kill them,” said Claire. “While they’re having their dinner.”“Yes. I told you what they said. They plan to attack humans as soon as reinforcements arrive — it’s not like they’
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 26. Teach Me, Master
If you’re expecting an intense series of life changing experiences bookended by Dudley struggling around an assault course at the start, and flying around the same course to the theme from Rocky at the end, I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed.I didn’t have time to rebuild Dudley from the ground up, and even if I did, changing him from upper class twit to stone cold killer was well beyond me. My only goal was to get him to focus on one thing at a time so that when I told him to do something, I had confidence he would actually do it. With a normal person, you’d just say, “Look, I want you to do this thing, and it’s important, really important, so don’t stop until it’s finished. No matter what happens, this is your number one priority. We’re all counting on you, okay?” And the person would understand.That kind of approach wouldn’t work with Dudley. He would certainly agree to the task, but once he got distracted (by Flossie, by a passing bird, by the sound of his stomach rumbli
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
Latest chapter
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
