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155. Walls Have Ears
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2021-09-13 17:13:34Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 156. Treasured
“What happened?” asked Phil. “Have you been like this the whole time?”“I don’t... know,” wheezed Bao in a voice brittle as dry leaves. “It won’t work anymore. Why won’t it work?” There was a sadness to his question, and an infinite weariness.It was amazing he could speak at all considering the lack of water. You’d think his throat would have seized up, but the regeneration effect that kept him alive also kept him hydrated, it seemed. His face and his hands, which were all that showed, looked almost healthy. If they hadn’t been sticking out of a wall, that is.“Don’t worry, we’ll get you out.” Phil sounded desperate. He turned to look at us for help but no one knew what to do. Even David hung back.Bao opened his mouth like he was going to say something else but only let out a long breath which ended in a shuddering choke. His eyes closed and he stopped moving.“Bao? Bao?” Phil touched Bao’s face but there was no response. Bao was dead.I put
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 157. Block Rocking Beats
The Jester, all glowing twisted tentacles and bugged-out eyeballs, smiled and the endless depths of space glimmered from between her lips. Something dark flashed across them. Her tongue?“And who’s this?” The voice was like an abyssal echo. “A tasty morsel for me to snack on?”I’d like to say having encountered the Jester in this place a number of times I was now used to it. I could shake off the pain and torment I was no doubt about to undergo as no big deal. Once you’ve been tortured and driven to the extremes of suffering, the whole thing becomes old hat, like eating a hot curry. The first time you might shit fire and pebbledash your whole bathroom, but the hundredth time, you can handle it. Hell, you might want to splash some Tabasco on that balti to give it some kick.I’d like to say that, but I couldn’t. Pain at the top end is the same as great heights of pleasure; more doesn’t make you lose interest. If anything, it sharpens your focus.Having said th
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 158. A Bad Feeling
––––––––We hurried back up the shaft and through the palace. I say hurried, although there was the expected amount of faffing as we all tried to scramble up the handholds. It’s a lot easier going down than up, let me tell you.Cheng flew up with Mandy and left us to it. I took the opportunity to tell the others about the encounter with the Jester, although I left out most of the details of the fighting. Not because I didn’t want Jenny to get her due, but because I didn’t think David would appreciate her mutilation of the girl he clearly had very deep affection for.The main thing I impressed on David and the others was that Yuqi was willing to wait for her freedom. David seemed to accept this as the best way forward and left the dust laden semi-corpse behind.I had no idea how we would bring her back to life or if it was even possible, but we could deal with that after we had defeated the Masters, crowned Cheng ‘King of the Demons’ and found a way to leave
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 159. Square Peg
The Masters who emerged from the palace strode into the arena three abreast. No armour, no weapons.Maurice, sitting on the terrace below me, had his notebook out and was comparing his sketches to the combatants as they entered the arena. They walked in through an archway which was barely high enough to allow them in and the crowd let out a collective nervous murmur.Each of them was a colossus, twice the size of a regular person. Each had two arms and two legs, but other than that, they were as different from each other as was possible.The tallest of the three was a shaggy-haired sasquatch-type creature with spikes for hands. It must have made wiping his arse very tricky, assuming he needed to perform those sorts of bodily functions. According to Maurice’s notes, he was called Comfort.Beside him was Unscathed, a robotic, block-shaped creature but with smooth, hairless skin rather than metal. He had a squat, powerful body and large, heavy hands with three
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 160. Sweep the Leg
Comfort rose from the ground in a jerking motion. The pounding he received had staved in the back of his head so it was dented and flattened to give him an unsettling appearance. It probably would’ve looked even stranger if his long fur wasn’t covering it.He was unsteady on his feet but he managed to stagger forward, one of his spikes raised towards Cheng’s face.Jenny had her dagger half-drawn. I put my hand on hers and pushed it back down.“He hasn’t lost yet.” I didn’t mind that she was willing to do what was necessary to send me back in time — it was probably the only way it would get done — but would it be so hard for her to be a little hesitant? You know, just for show.Unscathed had Cheng immobilised. He was clearly stronger and there was no way for Cheng to slip out of the hold. From the looks of it, there was no way for him to even breathe.There was an intake of breath around the amphitheatre as Comfort drove his spike towards Cheng’s face.
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 161. Dad Talk
I looked upwards, eyes searching the skies. Somewhere up there, giant fish swam through the clouds. If I could tempt them down, maybe they would fight my enemies. Who was I kidding? The first thing they’d do was eat me.The Kraken were a better bet with regards to being helpful (especially if we introduced them to Motown classics) but they had the slight disadvantage of not being able to walk on land. Or maybe they could, very slowly. Either way, as Socrates once said, you don’t bring a lobster to a shark fight. I think it was him. Might have been Plato.Cheng landed in the middle of the arena, both his opponents out cold. He lifted Comfort out of the pool of blue liquid he was lying in and tried to carry him. The difference in size was too great, and Cheng too exhausted, so he had to drag the body out of the arena, back to the palace. A trail of blue trickled behind them.Unscathed rose to his knees, collapsed, and tried again. After a couple more aborted attempts
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 162. Free Your Mind
Once they’d confiscated Phil’s device, the Masters lost interest in us and returned their attention to the fighting below. The combatants were barely visible as clouds of green dust billowed over the arena, emanating from the rotund Master who was mainly a head. Special gas attack?Cheng’s father had his arm around Cheng’s shoulder, proudly claiming him as his own. Despite the method of his victory (or maybe because of it), Cheng was now considered legit. He was worthy of being a Darkholme demon.Cheng turned his neck to give us an apologetic look. Well, I say that, it’s hard to tell what six eyes blinking in sequence is supposed to signify.No one seemed to be forcing us to stay and there weren’t even any snacks, so I didn’t see the point of hanging around.“Is it okay if we go?” I said to the accumulated backs ignoring us. It was a good indicator of just how little threat we posed that despite our magic and powerful devices, we weren’t considered worth loc
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 163. A Winning Plan
“Was there anything in the manual that could help us defeat the Masters?” I asked 288. He’d read it back to front so if there was anything useful in there, he would know. And now that he had seen the light, maybe even tell me. Hallelujah!The mention of the manual made the imp’s beady little eyes gleam. He looked up at me as I leaned over the partitioning wall and said, “The Book is the answer to all questions.”He sounded like a newly baptised religious nut. Just what I needed, a Jehovah’s penis.“That’s great but was there anything in the Book—” I thought it best to sound as reverential about his new Bible as him “—that could help us against the Masters?”“No,” said 288. “The Masters cannot be defeated.”Well, not with that attitude they couldn’t.“What if all the golems were to attack the Masters? Could they win?”“No,” said 288.“There’s only nine of them,” I pointed out.“All the war golems together wouldn’t be a
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
