Falling Apart

After our honeymoon experience which lasted for a week, my husband came to love sex so deeply. He comes for it, asks for it, and desires it now and then. To me, it became what he thinks and dreams of. It became his primary concern and objective. This made me start hating him, disrespecting him, and devaluing him. In addition to the fact that I was not a sex-loving person, my hatred for my husband because of his love and demand for sex made me feel rebarbative of our marital sex life. This made our sex unromantic. I hardly allow him to sleep with me, except for procreation or when I resolved to pity him, however, I would just lie down like wood for him and refused his kisses, and touches, 'Just sex and get out of my body,' I often told him. My hatred for him made me consider what he is not doing for me more than the ones he does. I believed that by treating him harshly he would come back to his sense and change his likeness for sex. Also, I believed that if I allowed my husband to have his way around my body, he would become bored of me, and will no longer value me or my body. Most times I feel special that he had to beg for a long before I let him sleep with me. But I never thought that there may come a time when he would no longer beg to sleep with me. I never imagined it, I thought that his position in the Church and his commitment to God would never allow him to think outside of me.

Falling Apart

My husband sat me down one day and asked me why I have come to hate him so much, and why his touch irritates me now. And I quickly said to him, 'I don't hate you, what I hate is who you have become. You no longer take prayers seriously, we hardly do our morning or night devotion. All you care about is sex, sex, and sex. If I had known you to love sex this much I wouldn't have married you,' I told him. 'But have you taken time to note that my less seriousness in prayers and devotions is a result of your current treatment towards me? I knew that sex was my weak point that was why I kept away from opposite-sex relationships. Also, you are the only one that I told this weak point of mine before we got married. I am your husband and not your boyfriend for Christ's sake. I don't cause you shame, neither do I cheat on you nor do I beat you up, maybe as a result of being drunk, after drinking with my drunk friends. We both indeed provide for this family, but I have been faithful and committed to you. Therefore, I think it is high time you reconsidered your treatment and behavior toward me. I don't think it is a crime that I love my wife's sex, after all, the Bible says that your body by the means of marriage now belongs to me and mine to you. If my mind is unsettled, it will affect my ministry, prayer, and Christian life. You have a big role to play in my life and ministry to be that man or husband that you want me to be.'

I wanted to give what my husband said to me some thought, but on second thought, I decided to let it go. I resolved to make my husband think that he is not too important to me, that I don't take his admiration of my physic seriously, and that I don't care if he goes out with another woman, I believe that treating my husband this way will make him value me more, respects me and come back to his senses. However, I loved him, loved the way he admired me, loved that I was his first and had him all to myself, but I believed that making this known to him will bust up his head and he would, perhaps, take me for granted.

The Story of my Marriage

One day, I overheard my husband advising someone over the phone on marriage, and he said, 'I married my friend. During our courtship, she was so sweet beyond measure. I felt like the happiest man on earth. I believed that I would never have any issues with her. The early part or time of our marriage was smooth and sweet, even though we had no money, we lived fine, comfortably, and in great hopes of a better future.

At the peak of this euphoria, I become clouded with the illusion that my wife loves me so much that she will not ever be angry with me, that she would always tolerate, respect me and take me for who I am, as has been her character right from the beginning. This made me not to expect any bad, harsh, and/or negative things from her. This illusional belief, however, would have destroyed my marriage. In the sense that any bad, harsh, or negative action or treatment from her against me becomes highly unexpected, and as such always aggravates me. The foundation of the aggravation is not just the action, but because of the person it is coming from- my lovely or better still, my once lovely wife whom I believe would never be angry with me or do, or say things that would hurt me.

This made my marriage go bitter and bitter daily. We started struggling for happiness, joy, and peace in our marriage, and when we do have them, they do not last long anymore, against the beginning and/or foundation of our marriage. At a point, I resolved to get out and snap myself out of the illusion not expecting anything bad or unexpected from my wife. I resolved to expect both good and bad from her at any time. This is to get myself ready so that I will not continue to misbehave and treat my wife badly in order to make her understand and love me as she used to.

This is because I now know that one can change and marriage can also change because of stress, especially from the woman, misunderstanding, and too much struggle without many resources to show for it (lack of money or the needed money). The important thing is not that marriage or a person can change, but the important thing is what was done or what steps were taken to restore and keep the person or marriage together. I don't know about my wife's decision on that yet, but that is what I want to do. Hence, my friend, take it calmly with her, expect anything, and learn to tolerate and forgive her even before she offends you. Always know that she is your wife.'

I was happy to hear such nice advice from my husband to his fellow man, and I believe that he has resolved to change. However, instead of my husband Solomon changing as I expected, he kept getting worse and worse. He saw me as very rude to him. He came to conclude that I do not love, value, or respect him. He began to feel very insulted and humiliated that he had to beg me and endure my insults before I allowed him to touch me. 'What is wrong that I admire my wife's body and ask for a romantic relationship from her? Don't you know that it is a sin if you can't satisfy your husband sexually as a wife? That is one of the primary purposes of marriage. When the Bible tells you to submit to your husband in 'Everything,' your sexual organs are one of the majors, this is why you submit only to your husband as a woman.

To other men, you respect them, as they respect you too. To your father who is a part of your parents, you obey and honor, to your brothers you love, but to your husband, you don't just do the above mentioned, you also, and most importantly 'Submit.' Hence, why the insult and rude treatment simply because I love to make love to you, my wife. I am getting sick and tired of your nasty, insolence, and obnoxious attitude toward me. Gradually, you have become such a dictatorial, truculent, and supercilious luna-beast.' My husband said to me angrily one day, for the first time. I cried bitterly and decided to hate him because I never expected him to talk to me or treat me that way. Also, I resolved to make sure he would not have peace or enjoy me or my sex anymore. After that incident, my husband did not border to disturb me over sex again or admire me as he used to. He comes back, greets me with a smiling face, eats my food, watches the tv, reads or types book(s), browses or plays a game, and goes to bed. From night till the next day, he no longer wakes or disturbs me for sex. When this lasts for weeks, it becomes a very big concern for me. But I still can't imagine my husband talking to another woman or girl not to talk of cheating on me.