Where did everything go wrong?When Calder met me at the door, he grabbed me as if he couldn't bear to be away from me for a moment longer. Hell, we got so caught up in each other that we literally set the kitchen on fire. It was only a few days ago that he confessed he needed me. What's changed? Or has the guilt been there all along, just carefully hidden away?I'm a mess at work the next day. I do my best to avoid both Morgan and my dad because I can't bear for either of them to see me like this. I spend the better part of the day out of my office, doing inventory in the supply room. That way, when I inevitably find my eyes welling up again, there's no one there to see.I'm completely pathetic.I grab a box of crayons from the nearest shelf and hurl it across the supply room. It hits something and the cardboard box splits open, spilling crayons everywhere."Fuck him!" I say, throwing another box, then another. "Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him!"This time I don't pay attention to w
There are two options when the world feels like it's exploding around you: throw a pity party and cry yourself to sleep, or call up your girlfriends and booze the night away. I choose the latter option. I call up Morgan and practically beg her to go out for drinks. Fortunately, her fiancé Mark is working late tonight, so she's more than willing to help me drown my frustrations in some whiskey. I give her only one condition: that we talk about neither work nor men all night.I end up getting sloshed, of course.I leave my car at the bar and take a cab home, and even then it's a miracle I make it up the two flights of stairs to my apartment. I fumble with my keys at the door, dropping them twice before I manage to get the damned thing unlocked.Trying to get undressed is an adventure in and of itself. I finally collapse half-clothed on the bed, and it's only because I land awkwardly on my purse that I remember I promised Morgan I'd call her as soon as I was safely indoors.It takes s
"What?"But he doesn't answer. He turns and walks back to the bathroom to retrieve the clothes he left there last night."What the hell, Calder!" I say, struggling against my bonds.My annoyance doesn't seem to bother him. He returns a moment later, his pants already on and his shirt in his hand. He slips it over his shoulders as I watch."This is just a sick joke, isn't it?" I say. "Another one of your lessons?"Calder is now fully clothed. He sits down on the bed, looking down at me with that smug smile of his. If I could move, I'd slap it right off, but I guess he was thinking ahead."Is this payback for last night?" I ask. "I didn't make you come over, you know. I would've been fine."The question seems to knock a little of the wind out of his sails. His smile drops slightly and his eyebrows shift toward each other."You shouldn't have had so much to drink," he says finally."So you're going to lecture me now? I don't want to hear it."He sighs. "Do you have any idea how
This is a bad idea.Calder's upset - a storm waiting to erupt - and I have yet to understand the extent of his pain. He's dangerous for me. He's too unstable, and I feel too strongly. Not to mention the fact that I'm still pretty pissed at him. My gut tells me that this will only end badly, but my heart doesn't care.I don't know what secret burdens he still carries, or how those secrets might tear us apart. I know only that he no longer wishes to deny the cravings of our bodies, and that I am too weak to resist him, in spite of my reservations.The time for talking is past, at least today."You still owe me a dare," he murmurs.I smile. "Then I dare you to remove your clothes. And you're not allowed to put them on again until I say so."He flashes me a devilish grin as he climbs off the bed and pulls off his shirt again, revealing his broad, muscled shoulders and chiseled chest once more. The pants go next, and by the time they hit the floor it's quite obvious that he's as excit
We spend the rest of the day and much of the night making love.The following morning, he tells me he'd like to go back to his apartment to grab a few things. When he rushed over on Friday night, he hadn't anticipated staying all weekend."Come with me," he says. "We'll grab some food."The food is only a pretense, I know. I can see it in his eyes. He's afraid, like me, that the minute we step back into the real world, everything will come crashing down around us. The minute we part, we'll start thinking about all of the things that might push us apart again.I agree to go with him, of course. I'm not ready for the spell to be broken just yet.I sense that something's off the minute we reach Calder's building. Calder does too, judging by the way he glances around the parking lot. He grabs my hand as we step out of the car, but the gesture feels more protective than affectionate.We're halfway to the building when I see the man with the camera. He was waiting behind a car, but he
He kisses me like it's the first time. He kisses me like he'll never have the chance to kiss me again. His arms are strong and gentle around me. His mouth is soft and hard, pleading and demanding, and I can do nothing but fall against him. He moves his lips across my cheek, tracing the paths of my tears."You're the most amazing, breathtaking woman I've ever met," he whispers against my skin. "I swear, if I ever see that prick again - I don't care if he isn't violating the restraining order. I'm going to kick his ass."He shoves me back against my seat, but when he moves his hands over my chest, his touch is delicate, worshiping."That bastard was an idiot," he says. "And I could kill him for hurting you.""I'm all right," I assure him.Calder doesn't reply. He brushes a strand of hair away from my forehead. His eyes bore into mine, and I feel like he's finally seeing all those little pieces of my soul I've kept hidden from him. I knew he had shadows hidden away, but I've been avo
"This place will always be a part of you, you know."We're sitting in the grass out on the lawn of the former Cunningham estate, staring up at the night sky. I have no idea what time it is - long past dinner, I'm sure, and probably far into the night - but for whatever reason neither food nor sleep interests me very much right now. I've even called my dad and told him I won't be in to work tomorrow.Calder doesn't respond for a long moment."It's not the house," he says. "Not really." He picks at the grass next to him. "I was never really happy with the idea of another family living here, but I told myself that at the end of the day, it would still be someone's home. This - this thing they want to do... it destroys everything that made this house special."I can't know the pain he's feeling, but I understand in some small way. You expose the secrets of a place like this, and they cease to mean anything."But maybe it's better this way," he says. "Maybe this is what needed to happe
He's going to take the job.He calls to tell me only a few hours after he drops me off at my apartment. I know what he's going to say even before he speaks the words aloud. He tells me that Tim Renley wants him to start as soon as possible. He's flying out this week.I'm in a fog the next day at work. I keep replaying our last argument over and over again in my head. I try to live out different scenarios in my mind, but they all seem to end the same way.Maybe this was the right decision for both of us. He needs to find himself, and I need to focus on the Center. Even before I knew about his job offer, things were rocky. What we had was like an insane sexual fantasy, but deep down we both must have known that we would never work in the real world - we just never wanted to admit it to ourselves.But the truth comes out, one way or another.And I can never seem to catch a break.My dad storms into my office at exactly 8:32 AM, and he looks positively murderous."Have you seen this
- CALDER -I wait until both Lily and the baby are asleep before I decide to sneak out. As much as I want to sit here with her in my arms forever, our conversation about her mother reminded me of a call I need to make.I look down at her before I leave. Her brown hair is in a messy bun on her head, and she doesn't have a stitch of makeup on, but I don't think I've ever seen her look so beautiful. I lean over and press a kiss against her forehead as I lift our sleeping son out of her arms.He's so tiny that I'm afraid I'll break him. But even though he was born a little early, the doctor told us he's perfectly healthy - and after hearing him scream this morning, I'm tempted to believe him. This little guy has quite a pair of lungs on him.I settle him gently in the bed the nurse wheeled in for him. I can see so much of Lily in him - and so much of myself. I knew I would love my son, but the intensity of my feelings is startling. When I think of how close I came to losing both of the
- LILY – Two Days LaterThey won't tell me what happened.I remember the pain. The screaming. The fear.I remember hearing the first, sweet cry from my son's throat.I remember the miracle of Calder's voice, the proof that he was alive.But after that, there's only darkness.I woke up yesterday morning in the hospital. Calder tells me they were able to get an air ambulance out to us at the estate, but he won't give me any more details than that about what happened two nights ago after he made it to the house. And there's a desperate, hollow look in his eyes when I ask, so I don't press him for details.Honestly? I'm not sure I want to know.And truthfully, it doesn't matter. Calder is alive. I'm alive. And our son is here. So much has happened in the past couple of days, and none of it feels real.I look down at the tiny little human in my arms. He's perfect. Even though he arrived a couple of weeks before his due date, he's still round and healthy. He emerged with a thick cro
- LOUISA -Just stay calm.Just stay calm.Just stay calm.It doesn't matter how many times I say it to myself - it gets harder with every passing second. I spend almost twenty minutes searching for my cell phone in the rain, but I can't find it anywhere. It's not in the car. It's not on the driveway. It's just gone. Finally, I force myself to give up the search and return to check on Lily - and I'm not a moment too soon.If I had any hope that we might make it through the night without this baby - after all, I was in labor for nineteen hours - it's fading fast. After five minutes at Lily's side, it's clear that her little one has no intention of waiting for help to arrive, and she seems to know it, too. Even if I thought I still had a chance of finding my cell phone, I can't leave Lily now.Both Ward and Calder are still out there somewhere. It's just me and Lily - and a whimpering Ramona, who's still clearly confused and terrified. I long to go over to my daughter, to pick her
- LOUISA -Lily's face has gone white."Calder?" she says into the phone, her voice cracking. "Calder! Calder, answer me!" Her hand visibly shakes as she pulls the phone away from her ear."What's going on?" I ask her, running over and shifting Ramona in my arms. I've just managed to get my little girl to stop crying. "What happened?"She doesn't answer. Instead she hits a couple of buttons on the screen, presumably calling him again. I glance over at Ward, but he looks just as shocked and confused as I feel.After a moment, Lily drops the phone, her eyes wide with horror."What happened?" I ask again, my stomach sinking further with every passing second. Something is wrong. Something is desperately wrong. Ramona starts to whimper in my arms."Lily," Ward says firmly. "You have to tell us what's happening."Lily glances up, blinking, as if she's suddenly remembered she's not alone."Something happened," she whispers. "Something happened to Calder."She's in shock, that much i
- CALDER -Lily is in labor. Lily is in labor.That thought drives out everything else - even the raw, gnawing feeling in my gut when I think about what Michelle has done - and suddenly nothing matters but getting to my wife.If I was a madman on the road before, it's nothing to how I drive now. I don't care about the rain or the traffic. I don't care if a cop chases me down for driving twice the speed limit. I'm getting to that hospital. Getting to my wife.I should have been there, I think. I should have been by her side when this started. But though the guilt eats away at me, I can't think about that now. I have one concern and one concern only - getting to her. Being with her as soon as humanly possible. Holding her hand as the pain comes. Even over the phone, I could hear the fear in her voice.I need to be with her.And if I have to kill myself to get to her, I will.. . . . .- WARD -Keep it together, man. They're counting on you.I hate that I have to remind myself o
- LOUISA -It might be storming outside, but I'm determined to make today a little brighter."I have a surprise for you," I tell Ward.It took me half an hour to find him after I put Ramona down for her afternoon nap. Even though I've insisted that he take a break from his restoration projects, Ward has continued to work, and I find him retouching the paint in a bedroom in the eastern wing. He's currently perched on a ladder with a paintbrush in his hand.When he grins down at me, I know he couldn't be happier to see me."What sort of surprise?" he asks, and his expression makes my heart skip a beat. He climbs down the ladder and stands in front of me.I drink him in as he wipes the back of his hand across his forehead. His T-shirt has streaks of paint on it, and there's a new hole in his jeans, but somehow all of it works together to make him look irresistibly yummy. Something wells up inside of me as I admire him - and the way he's looking at me right now brings the blood rushi
- CALDER -Less than two hours later, Michelle and I are in Barberville and I've got her set up at a modest little extended stay hotel just outside of downtown. I've prepaid for a two-week stay, and after that, I'll reassess the situation and figure out the best course of action. Michelle told Lily that she was looking for a job in the area, but since learning the truth about her health, I'm not sure whether that was an empty claim or not. Either way, though, now is not the time to be making any rash decisions. Lily comes first. We'll deal with Michelle after the baby is here.I'm getting ready to leave when a thought occurs to me."Lily will have lots of questions when she learns the truth. And she'll want you to start treatment as soon as possible."She starts to protest. "I still don't think I want treatment - ""At the very least, will you go talk to a doctor here in town? Explore your options? I'll pay for your visit, of course."She hesitates, then nods. "All right."I tur
- LOUISA -I'm in the office on the south side of the house, working out some of the final details of my surprise honeymoon trip for Ward, when Calder stalks into the room."Good morning," I say - though you'd hardly know it was morning, considering how overcast it is outside today. When I glance up and see his face, my fingers freeze on the computer keyboard. "What's wrong? Is it Lily?"We had a bit of a scare yesterday, what with Lily getting rushed to the hospital. She'll be on bed rest for the duration of her term, but both mother and baby are healthy - or so I thought. Calder looks like he's hardly slept. There are dark circles under his eyes, and he seems agitated."We need to figure out what Lily's mother wants," Calder says, jerking a hand through his hair. "It's that woman's fault that Lily is in this state."I lean back in my chair and glance over at Ramona. She's in her playpen over by the window, and she's pulled herself up onto her feet so that she can watch her uncle
- CALDER -That was too close.My jaw hurts from clenching. My mind won't slow down. I've been pacing the same spot on the floor for so long that I'm surprised I haven't worn a hole into the boards.It was only a false alarm, I remind myself. Lily is fine - for now - and the doctor said she was only having Braxton-Hicks contractions, probably made worse by stress. But even though she's now safe in our bed, I still can't seem to make myself calm down. When it comes time for the real thing... I don't even want to think about it."There's no need to be so worked up," Lily tells me. "Everything is fine. Come to bed.""Everything is not all right," I say. "Your mother upset you so much that you - ""It was my dad's fault, too," she says. "And it was a false alarm. I'm all right. No harm done.""Maybe not this time, but I'm not willing to take that chance again." I resume my pacing. "That woman needs to go.""I agree," she says. "And she's already looking for a place. But in the mean