Can't Stop Thinking About Him

That night I have trouble sleeping.

Shit. This mate thing is no child's play. I have only met the guy a few hours ago and already I am unable to fall asleep because he is invading my thoughts.

I glance at the other side of the bed and see Ian sound asleep. I am shocked to realize he has no insomnia after all of today's happenings.

We agreed to talk in the morning, since we were both exhausted and the conversation we had in the car on our way back here was even more exhausting. To sum it up, he thinks we will just resume our normal life as if nothing has happened. Me, on the other hand, know this is not a possibility.

I am changed. For no other reason than meeting Darius Carter. My mate...

I roll over again, fearing I will wake Ian, but he doesn't move. He snores silently, legs spread, one arm under his head. Lucky...

Seeing him like this, makes me think of the day we first met...

It was a hot April day and I was riding my bike to the school library. My clothes stuck on my sweat and I felt nervous. To make it all worse, when I came to the reading area, there were no empty seats left.

Someone sniffed with anger behind me.

I turned, mad, to see who dared to start a fight with me. And it was him. Ian.

"Don't you just hate when that happens?" He smiled at me, holding "A Social Animal" book between his hands.

Suddenly, I wasn't that nervous anymore. I shifted my weight to one side and placed my hand over my hip. "It's a nice read. For a rookie."

He laughed. "Is that so? Well, since I have no place to read it, I guess you can tell me the résumé."

I shook my head. "Don't be so pessimistic. There's always a place to sit if you want to find it."

He smiled, thinking about something. "On second thought, I think I came up with a solution to our predicament," he taps on my elbow. "Come with me."

And I did. Up to this day I don't know why I followed him upstairs to the out-of-service attic, but I've always been glad that I did. We made that spot our secret rendez-vous place and no one has ever found out about it.

When the morning comes, I feel as tired as ever. I wonder if my mate slept well or if he had a struggling night like myself. My gut tells me it's the latter.

Ian moans sleepily as he stretches, an instant smile over his face as our eyes meet.

"Hello, sleepy head," I smile back. He looks so cute with his hair ruffled.

He leans in to lay a kiss on my lips. As I kiss him back, my gut turns thinking about my make out session with Darius last night. I hate myself for doing it.

He notices my shock.

"What's wrong, babe?"

"I-" I don't know what to say. I should definitely admit it to him, but I don't even know how to begin to explain myself. "It's, um," I struggle to find words to express what I feel. I know I can't find them, though, because not even I understand what is going on. So I decide to be honest. "I don't know, it just... feels wrong."

"Wrong?" He sits up, concerned.

I follow his motion, putting my hands on each side of myself. "Very wrong."

"Lily, is this about... that Dario guy? I think it's time we put this to bed once and for all. What happened in that room with you two? How did he let you leave?"

I swallow hard, waiting for my head to explode. "I don't know where to start."

"How about from the beginning?"

Inhaling deeply, I try to gather my thoughts to be able to express them clearly.

"Baby, you look exhausted," he notes. "Haven't you slept well?"

I shake my head. "I... didn't sleep. At all. I couldn't," my eyes tear up as I say it aloud. "And the worst part is... I'm not sure if it's because I couldn't stop thinking of Darius or the Goddamn feeling of guilt."

His eyes shut in agony. "I hate that guy. He's... such an animal."

I laugh to my own surprise. "Technically, he is. And technically, so am I."

He puts a hand over mine. "How about I make us some coffee before you tell me the rest? I have a feeling this isn't going anywhere good."

I shake my head. "I'll make the coffee." I would feel bad having him serve me after what I did last night. Even though the last thing I need is caffeine.

"Alright, I'll take a quick shower," he yells as I rush out the room.

The instant I enter the kitchen, my cellphone rings.

My stomach cramps. Is it Darius? Did he get my number from someone?

I look at the caller.

It says Dad.

Relief.

Or is it? It is hard to tell. Even though I am a psychologist. And an animal, as concluded before.

"Good morning, Lila. Did you sleep well?" He chuckles as I answer the phone. There is an undertone to his voice that didn't miss me.

"So it is common after all. Damn it!"

He laughs. "Mates can't really sleep without each other. Not if both of them know their mate is alive."

Something tells me the sleeping bit is not the only perk that can't be done without your mate. I need to check, though. I need to know in order to be able to make a proper decision. I need to know if I have a shot with Ian, if fighting for us is worth it, or if one day soon I will simply wake up with no feelings for him whatsoever.

"What else can't they do?" I ask cautiously, afraid to hear the answer.

"I think you might have realized that yourself by now."

I shake my head in pain. "Has it never been done? Don't you know of... some exception to the rule who continued living with partners other than their own mate?"

Even though I can't see my dad, I can tell he is frowning. "Now why would anyone want to do that? Lila, finding a mate is something anyone would be thrilled to do. It is the most beautiful gift the Moon Goddess can give to a werewolf. Nobody would refuse that. Even if they wanted to... they couldn't. It's stronger than reason. It's emotion. It's nature calling. You can only fight it for so long."

I close my eyes, overwhelmed with everything as tears fall down my face. "What am I supposed to tell Ian?" I whisper.

"Ian knows, Lila. I explained everything to him. So has Darius. He chose not to believe us, but... he knows. Deep down he does. And he is expecting it."

Expecting what? Me dumping him? They must have told him it would happen. It's even worse now, me knowing that he knew and still chose to fight for us. And me, now disappointing him.

"You knew it all along, haven't you?" I say accusingly, weaning like a child.

"Knew what?"

"That I wouldn't be able to live without him."

"Of course I have."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I accuse him again. This situation is too much for me to handle.

"Why would I have told you? You and I both know it wouldn't have made any difference to your decision. I only could have started a fight, that's all."

I take a deep breath. I know he had a mate once, too. "What do I do, Dad?"

"There's only one thing you can do."

"And what's that?"

"You already know the answer to that, Lily."

My face is all water. I can't wipe the tears as fast as new ones arrive. Because I do know.

—————

💦 I want to point out that I didn't write the dialogue of her leaving Ian, but rather skipped to action right away with a connotation of what happened. 💦