5: The Past is never over

"We efface an hour by passionate

love, without twists, without aftertaste. When it is finished, it is not finished, we lie still in each other's arms lulled by our love, by tenderness -- sensuality in which the whole being can participate.

Anais Nin

After Zander left six years ago, I tried to keep my head up even if that was a hard thing to do for a girl my age, skin and rebelliousness. I was 18 years old, and I just had the one person I could trust leave for school with his girlfriend and I was all alone, but I tried my best to say out of trouble, I really did.

I found a job at a restaurant where the manager kept making unwanted passes at me and I ended up getting fired after I punched him in the face twice. Six months later, I was evicted from my house and I had to live on the streets.

I was left with no job, no house no brother and no future. Three weeks on the street, I got raped and till today, I have no idea who it was and in my pain and frustration at the world, I went to the store to buy a sleeping pill, hoping to take it, sleep and never wake up and as I made my way out of that store, I met an old man outside the store beside his car and he seemed to have been waiting for me with the way he stared at me.

The first thing he said when he saw me was, "It's not the answer."

I glared at him in anger, "What do you know?"

He seemed too calm and too friendly and I wasn't used to such a person. "I know you bought those sleeping pills to overdose, but that will be taking the short cut."

I scoffed in an unladylike manner, "You have no idea what I've been through," I said through gritted.

He smiles and there's much life in the old man's smile than I'd ever seen in anyone else's, "I don't, but you can tell me over a cup of coffee." He said opening the door of his black range rover to me.

I was sceptical in following him, but he added, "Don't worry, my name is Lucas Paige and if something goes wrong which I'm certain won't, you know who I am."

There was nothing left to lose I thought so I enter the car and he closed the door, walked over to his side and got in before driving off.

"What's your name?" He asked, looking at me through the inside mirror of the car.

"Alexander Black, everyone calls me Alex." And by everyone I meant Zander.

"Nice name, but would you mind if I call you Alexa instead."

I shook my head, "No, go ahead do whatever."

"So, do you have any parent or guardian?" He proceeded to ask.

"No, both mom and dad died when we were ten-years-old," I responded not really wanting to talk or even think about.

His eyes dropped apologetically, "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you said 'we', what do you mean?"

"I've got a twin brother. He left for the university over a year ago."

"Must have been hard," I broke eye contact and looked down at my fingers, fidgeting nervously. "Letting someone so close go."

I slammed my hand on my lap from impatience and anger from his constant pestering and my head raised, "Where are we going?" I demand, not really about the location but the questioning.

He keeps his eyes fixed on the road as he replied, "To get coffee. I'm sorry for bringing it up."

"Don't bring it up again."

"Sure thing." The car came to a stop in front of a café and Lucas got down and walked to the back seat where I was. "I like coffee black, with no milk; it is a good way to start the day at work. What do you like?"

"I think one will be okay for me."

He smiles warmly at me and I'm still weird out by the fact that I didn't find his friendliness creepy or repulsive. "Okay, but if it's not what you want, tell me I'll not get mad at you."

"I don't like coffee," I replied, feeling relieved that I said the truth.

He nods at me, "Now we are getting somewhere. The good thing is this café sells a few fruit drinks, juice and milkshakes. You can choose whatever you want." He said walking away.

He wanted me to come with him even though I wasn't even looking like something he should be closed to, I was in a filthy blue hooded jacket and a black skinny jean. My hair was in a messy ponytail and it's been that way for five days and my sneakers were worn out and dirty to even look at and he was all clean and dashing in his black, four-piece suit, and a red tie. Though most of his hair was grey, he did look young and strong and his hair was combed back neatly, having one side parted. He was perfect and I was in no way good looking enough, but he wanted me to come with him.

When he realised that I didn't follow him he turned back and walked to the car, "Come on let's go."

"I'm filthy." Comes my somewhat ashamed tone.

"So?"

I bit my lower lips, "I shouldn't be around you or even be in your car, I should be-"

"Dead." He said, completing my sentence and even though that really wasn't what I was about to say, he did have a valid point. "If I didn't take you in my car, you would have been thinking about that pill you've got and how to use it. Listen to me girl, you shouldn't always care what people think of you, they don't define you, you define you. There's a great side to life and you're too young to miss out, but I'm not going to force you to see it, it has to be your choice."

Hell, I wanted to live, I wanted to be happy, I just didn't know how so unlike before that I watched him walk away, I opened the door of the car and get down, following him into the cafe.

"It was really sweet what he did for you and I'm sorry I wasn't around to protect and fight for," Zander says regretfully, his eyes ever so dull as they stare at me.

I shrug it off, "Although not so strong on faith anymore, I do know that all things worked together to get me where I am today. If you didn't leave with Jessica I wouldn't have gone through what I went through, being kicked out cause that was what brought me to the street and eventually getting raped, and if I didn't get raped I wouldn't have wanted to end my life and if I didn't go to that store in hope to end my life, I would never have met Lucas and if that didn't happen, I wouldn't be where I am today, so I'm happy you left and I'm happy all those horrible things happened to me 'cause they made me stronger and the world might judge me, but they don't define me, I define me."

"God! you're so brave." Zander gushes as he stares at me, still unable to help himself.

I look away and my eyes catch the shopping bag I brought in that's still untouched, "Lucas made me brave, but that's a story for another day." I get up and move to my shopping bag and bring out a bag before handing it to him. "Here it's for you."

He collects the bag and brings out the box before dropping it back. "It's a really expensive phone, but I already have a phone, Alex." He says, a little confused.

"Well throw that one away, I hate it," I say frankly and his eyes widen at my words, but I continue as though nothing happened. "You've got a new one now. I was getting myself a phone because I promised someone I would days ago and it didn't feel right just getting one though yours is black and mine red Givori. Remember when we were kids we had almost the same of everything."

He brings out the box and walks back to the couch, "The only reason we had almost the same of everything was that the ultrasound said I was a girl, and I was born with a penis six months later. That was what mom always told me when I asked why some of the clothes I wore in the family album were girly."

I chuckle imagining the look that must have been on their face when they realised he was a boy. I could almost see it, I can see them in my head and it hasn't happened like that before. "Do you miss them?"

He nods and picks up the remote from the couch, "I do, every day, but I believe I'll see them someday. What about you? Do you miss them?"

"I do now."

"Do you miss him?"

I don't have to ask who it is he's talking about and all through these past years no one has looked me in the face and asked me that, no one ever asked me how it feels to lose someone much older than you like Lucas was to me and so they just assume that you are relieved that he's gone, while others believe that you got rid of him and so you definitely have no need to morn, breakdown or cry and if you ever do any of these three, it's seen as a charade. That isn't it, because I do miss him and it's hard, it still is. I just like to think of him as being around just not physical. Some days I wish he was around to tell me what to do and when things go out of control or I want to give up, I ask myself what he would do and I always find the strength. He is the reason I am alive today, the reason I didn't take those pills five years ago. To another person I might shrug it off and say it doesn't matter, but not to Zander he needs to know the truth, I have to confined in someone.

"I'm sorry." He says, and I don't even ask for what because I know. "It's obvious you still miss him with how quiet you've become."

I don't bury my feeling as I respond, trying to make him feel comfortable even though he's treading on my personal life, "It's not your fault that I miss him, when you are very close with someone and they end up dying, you will miss them, but the good thing is, I carry him with me and I think I will for a very long time."

"Thanks for the phone," He turns on the TV and begins to surf through the channels, probably looking for a good show when my eyes catch someone and my heart skips.

"Go back!" I say, moving to him and at my word, he goes backwards three more channels and there he is, the handsome bastard who had me at his mercy a week ago saying something but since the volume is low, I can't hear him. "Increase the volume!"

"Why?" He demands a little too stiff in the voice to want to do what I just said.

"Just do it damn it!'' I snap and he complies although he grumbles like a little kid.

He's presently being interviewed by Bimbo Akintola, the host of the Amazon show one of the trending talk show in the country. There he is, the sweet devil that had his hand in my pants days ago in a four-piece blue suit, with that same chiselled jaw, blue eyes, and that short black hair I want nothing more than to tug on while his face is buried between my legs.

Damn! Get a grip girl!

I'm dumbstruck, staring at him like a complete fool as Bimbo wraps up the interview and gets up and he gets up from the red armchair he's sitting on as well and takes her hand in his while the audience applause.

I can't believe I saw this man naked, I mean the whole of him!

"It's so nice having the pleasure of speaking to you," she says, with a full-on grin.

"The pleasure is mine Bimbo." Comes his reply with a slight presence of the Spanish accent in his tone and just like days ago, he manages to carry himself with grace and control so effortlessly. It's so good that it hurts to think about.

"Bloody hell!" I scream at the TV and I almost reach for him through the TV where he sits with all hotness and male glory and strangle him to death when I realise what I almost missed. "He speaks English?!"

"Yes, he does what else should he speak? Looks like you're going crazy Alex! Don't you know him?" He asks, a little surprised in his voice.

He just called me crazy which should make me want to rip out his hair and set it on fire, "No I'm not!" but he just asked a question which I think is more important than my craziness. "wait do you know him?"

"Yeah, this past week has been about him, he's taken over most of the celebrity and business news and almost everyone wants an interview with him or something. I really don't know, I always change the channel." He says, casually while surfing the channels with the remote.

"In those short while you've watched, did you get his name?"

"I think it's Von Quaint, that's the name that sticks out from the rest. I think he's very rich too cause he's got businesses in and out of the country I hear."

That doesn't sound right because I have heard of Vincent Von Quaint as Lucas always made mention of Von Quaint, a business partner and somewhat close friend he met over the years. I even had the privileges of meeting him two years ago before Lucas's passing and he is an old man and this guy is not him.

And I'm also sure that this man isn't Vincent's son either because they have absolutely nothing in common when it comes to looks.

Vincent Von Quaint is blonde of hair, deep blue eyes, high cheekbones, an average height of about 6ft and a pale skin, this man is a bit dark-skinned, somewhat blue eyes, chiselled jaw, 6ft plus height and of a much darker skin tone. Another great difference is the fact that Vincent is British while this man spoke Spanish to me and even in his speaking of English, he's got the accent still.

If he isn't related to Vincent then who is he and why is he bearing the Von Quaint's name?

I pick my new phone out of my pocket to google the Von Quaint and I'm surprised to see there is no trace of Vincent on all the pages or images as every one of them holds the picture and face of this new man.

How quickly people forget you when something new comes along.

"Did you see him then?" comes the interested voice of Zander.

I nod though not really finding the name I want, "Yeah I see a Rogue Von Quaint everyone is talking about." I tell him, reading the heading of one blog.

He's the pure definition of rogue for sure.

"Yeah, that's his name!" Zander points out, snapping his fingers.

I stare blankly at him. "What name?"

"Rogue," he says, more clearly through my frown deepens even more.

"Rogue?! What kind of name is that?" I say, cringing at the sound of it all over again.

He mildly shrugs, "Don't know, but everyone in the past week on TV has called him that." He pauses his lips in thought and before speaking, "Thinking about it, it does sound really sexy," he admits, but this time mimicking my voice as he continues to say "like yeah Rogue, give it to me harder! Harder Rogue, come on Rogue harder! Rogue! And he will go like yeah, baby I'll give it to you harder!" He finishes with a deep and manly voice I never thought he possessed.

I gasp in shock after reading into the meaning of his words and I throw my phone at him before I can stop myself, but he ducks and it hits the couch and bounce there, "Watch it, Alex, you just got it."

"You're crazy!"

He scoffs and picks the phone up, "Says the girl who just almost smashed her new, phone which cost a fortune into pieces." He counters and he's right, I tend to do stupid and crazy things when I'm out of control. "So what are you going to do now?" He asks, handing me my phone.

"He cost me a very important contract plus my old phone. Well, he's the reason I'm asking for more, but do you know what it feels like to go a whole week without a phone?"

He shrugs, "I don't know, you'd be free of the troubles of having a social life?"

"Haha very funny," I say before glaring at him and walking away.

As I reach my room, I scroll through the contact list in my phone and I see Julian and I remember promising he'd be the first I'll call if I get a new phone and though that was a few days ago, a promise is a promise.

After ringing for a while, he picks up, "You know it's way past office hours and if it wasn't you, I wouldn't have picked up another client's call." He says, the heaviness of the sleep dawning on his voice.

I smile, "I got a new phone and wanted to give you a call like I promised."

He grunts, "Oh great, do you think I'm going to believe you called me just because you made a promise and nothing else?"

His words hurt because I called him just for that particular reason, but now he's said it, "What do you know about Rogue Von Quaint?" I ask.

"Not much, just know that he's was set to inherit his father Vincent's multi-billion companies once he's 30 and that was about a year ago" Comes his absentminded reply, "why are you asking though? Don't tell me you are planning to seduce him?"

I'm still stuck on his father Vincent, so he is his son and I stay silent for a while before hearing Julian voice again this time sounding a little accusing.

"You are aren't you?"

I roll my eyes, "Don't tell me you're jealous."

"I am not a proud man, I admit that I am, he gets to have you if you want him and that's what I can never have. But my Firm has been working towards bringing him in as a client for months now and I do not want to have to pick between you two so whatever you plan on doing, leave me out of it."

"Thanks for being a good friend!" I sarcastically say, feeling let down that he's not cheering me on and giving me ideas like he used to. Maybe because he knows Rogue isn't like the other men I've talked to him about, he's young, hot and successful.

"I'm not your friend, never signed up to being one, I'm your lawyer and you've always wanted me to be that remember?" His words come out too harsh and I know it hurts him to admit it, even more, to say it out to me.

"Yeah you're right, I'm sorry I disturbed you, you can go back to sleep now asshole!" I cuss under my breath.

"I heard that! Good night to you too." Comes his snappy tone before the line goes off.

For the first time since the past two years I've known Julian, he isn't on my team on this one.