2: At the door with disappointment

I wanted the heat and the sweat and the passion of a man that I could love and trust. And I wanted to give myself to him: not for advantage, but for desire.

Philippa Gregory

I open the door to my house and drag myself inside, worn from wearing six-inch heels and a skinny gown that only looks modest when under the grey winter coat.

After leaving the Von Quaint hotel, I went to the sketch artist who I gave the vivid details of the man I had seen earlier, but I got a sketch that looked nothing like the man I had seen earlier. Maybe he's not a man, maybe he's a god. My inner mind tried to warn me, but I pushed it aside. And I told the artist his drawing looked nothing like the man I saw at the hotel and he decided to draw another one and when he was done, the sketch looked even more ridiculous than the first. In anger and rage, I picked the sketches and I stormed out of his shop, but not before threatening to come down on him with a lawsuit for wasting three good hours of my time on absolute nonsense.

Something good has to come out of today, I need that break!

I close the door and turning around I almost jump out of my skin as I see Zander sitting on my couch, wearing a grey tank top and black skinny jean, watching TV. "Jesus Christ! Zander what the hell?!"

"Hey, sis." He turns around to say with a wide grin before returning his focus to the TV as if he didn't just hear me exclaim.

"Hey, sis?! What the hell are you doing here?! How did you get in?"

"You cuss too much, you know that?!" he points out, with disappointment present in his voice.

I roll my eyes irritably, "That's not the answer to the bloody question." I toss my winter coat onto the couch.

He sighs deeply, "Well if you must know, my cable TV subscription expired this morning and I knew yours would never expire, I'm trying to catch up on the episodes I missed on How to Get Away With Murder and I picked your lock, that's how I got in. Happy now?"

"Alexzander Joe Black, for the love of God, next time call before coming over and don't send me to my early grave with your creeping habit! I'm in my house now and I should be in control of what is happening around me."

Ignoring all my other rants, "Had a bad day?" He asks instead.

I give him a weird glance taken back with his question, "What gave it away?"

He shrugs, "Control what's happening around you, was a term you used when working at the restaurant as kids and you were having a bad day. If you did, you can tell me," he probes, trying to encourage me which doesn't help in any way.

He knows me more than I like to believe he does even after these years.

Alexzander is my older brother... well technically he's my twin brother, but he's never let me forget the fact that he came into the world first so he decided to make himself the parent of the both of us and to be honest he can be a real pain in the ass most times, but he's got the best heart in the world and has always protected me the best he could when we were younger.

We are both identical except for the fact that he's a five feet ten inches boy and I'm a five feet four inches girl, we've got the same colour of hair, dark, dirty, blonde hair (though his hair is always in a neat bun) and same amber colours of eyes.

Our personalities, however, are completely different, we have completely different taste, likes and preference and as well as dreams. While I'm into statistics and calculations and a little bit of fashion and I already own my own company, he's into computers. He's what you'll call a computer freak and he told me that he's hoping to develop his own game in the future and I promise to support him all the way through.

Our preference is also different, he's a vegetarian and I'm anything but a vegetarian and I'll happily eat a beef stew just because it's Tuesday and on this case alone, we've fallen out more times than once when we lived together and whenever we do, I'd cook a full spinach stew filled with catfish just to piss him off. Also, while I'm straight and sure, he's a complete mess when it comes to his sexual preference. In essence, he's yet to tell me what he likes.

I kick off my heels before making my way over to where he's sitting on the couch. "I'll have your cable subscription renewed by tomorrow morning I promise."

He turns down the volume of the TV and turns, giving his attention to me "As much as I'm almost swept off my feet with your generous offer, we both know that that's not the answer to my question," he says, staring at me with concern eyes.

"Today didn't go as I planned it out. I did not make it on time for the contract meeting, I'll be fine though, don't forget that I always find a way." I reply dismissively returning to my normal I'll be fine mode.

Pain flashed in his eyes and he averts his eyes from mine, "I know you always like to take care of your mess and I've given you reasons not to trust me with your personal issues, but would you like to talk about it?"

The memory of the events of today rushes back into my head, and remembering how powerless and needy I felt and became in the arms of a complete stranger makes my head spin and not the discussion I should be having with my twin brother. But also telling him I was hoping to secure a contract just by dropping my dress while a sixty-year-old man brings his stupid fantasy to pass is never going to happen because Zander has always been what you'd call the moral compass of the two of us. Plus we are no longer as close as we used to, but I still would not have told him even if we were close.

We were inseparable growing up but about six years ago he got a girlfriend and we slowly stopped being close and one day he decided to go to college and study computer engineering. I had no problem with his plans or desires, but he left and never looked back. He never returned my letters nor did he try to call me like he promised and days turned to weeks, weeks, turned to months, and months turned to years and I got nothing.

I got tired of the waiting and decided to become my own hero and save my own damn self and not to brag, but I think I've done a pretty good job since then, now I have more than six zeroes to my name than our whole family ever did and I'm still hoping to gain more.

Zander returned about a year ago with a degree in computer engineering, but broke, single, penniless and needing a roof over his shelter. He explained how he lost touch and how he'd tried to still reach me but failed on every try. Ever since then, we've been trying to pick up where we left off, but it easier said than done. As much as I try to connect with him, I fear that it would just create more barrier between us because I'm a little scared of how he will see me and what he'll say when he finds out the real me.

I try my best to do right by him, I rented his apartment for him and got him a car and clothes, everything that would keep him not wanting to come close to me. Sure he's going to blame himself and leaving, but there's always a good side to every bad story, right? Right?

My eyes flutter and I can't open them "I can't. I'm sorry."

"We used to be so much better than this," he says, tossing the TV remote down on the couch before getting up.

I scoff and get up defensively, "We used to until you decided to pick your stupid girlfriend who never loved you and your school over me and left me all alone in this cold and wretched world"

He runs his palm over his face, "I've tried to apologise and ask for your forgiveness, but you just won't accept it. I had to go to school and it was a tough decision but I did so that we would have a better future and not suffer all our lives. I did the best I could."

The irony of that.

I'm applauding him in my brain, but doing that literally would be rubbing insult upon injury, but what I say next doesn't help the matter either. "And look where we are now, look where you've brought us!"

He walks towards me, "I'm sorry, Alex, I loved you and I was trying to do what was best for us."

"Well as you can see that wasn't good enough."

His eyes grow glassy and I watch him clench his teeth desperately trying to take hold of control but to no avail. "Tell me what you want me to do and I swear I will do it, I'll bloody turn back the times if it means we can be the kids we use to be." He says, tears running down his face.

I'm not surprised though, he's never been one to be in control of his emotions he's a wreck when it comes to controlling on his emotions. Zander literally cried for hours the first time we watched Titanic the movie on our 17th birthday and I'm pretty sure he'd still cry if he watched it today.

Tears sting my eyes, but I decide to blink them back and smile "But we aren't kids anymore, Z. I know you're trying, so I'm not going to be a bitch about it, you just have to give me time and for the love of God, stop crying."

He wipes at his face and sniffs pathetically, nodding like his life depended on it. "I'm so sorry, for not doing more and I promise I'll never leave you again, Alex."

I'm about to reply with; you can't leave, you need me, but today is so not that day. "I'll take your word for it. I'm going to go take a shower, make yourself at home." I tell him only realising he's been doing that for hours already.

I pick up the winter coat I'd toss onto the couch earlier as well as my shoes and make my way up the stair and down to my room and as soon as the door closes, I drop the coat and slip out of the rest of my clothing.

I pick my towel from the hanger close to the bathroom and wrap it around myself before stepping into the bathroom. I walk to the gold-coloured bathtub in the centre of the room and turn the hot water and it rushes into the tub and I run my hand through it, making sure it's hot enough to burn every stench I've gotten on me today.

I step into the tub and sit in it, sighing in relief as I relax and close my eyes. Memories of the stranger I ran into earlier rushes back to my head and my body just like earlier comes alive and I realise how long it's been since I was with anyone, to begin with. After Lucas, I never felt like I would ever be the same and yes I'm no saint but there are a lot of things I haven't explored parts of me I am yet to discover, part that the stranger knew existed and decided to exploit. I hope I never meet him again because as much as I hate him for ruining my day, I know I may not possess much resistance when it comes to him.

The way his eyes stared at into mine like he could see something in them, the longing in his eyes was surreal and I've been surrounded by horny men for as long as I can remember, but never has one had so much hunger and want in their eyes before and something in me wished I could have done something to remedy that.

My stomach growling makes me realise I've been in the tub long enough and I step out, dry myself and throw on my pyjamas before returning downstairs.

I see Zander still in the position I left him earlier and I walked to the kitchen before asking, "What's for dinner?

I poke my head through the kitchen doorway to see his narrowed eyes as they turn to me, "Who told you I've been here that long?"

"Who told you you haven't?!" I counter with a roll of my eyes.

He gets up and walks to the kitchen and opens the microwave before bringing out the bowl of potato chips and drop it on the counter. He then proceeds to the fridge when he brings out the ketchup and a jug of orange juice. He knows I'm not a huge fan of orange juice and also knows there's fresh milk in the fridge, but since he's what I'd like to call a radical vegetarian, he can't take that. I decide not to say anything (like most vegetarians I know drink milk) because that will just ruin the moment and so I let him be and I take my seat while he picks up two glass cup and brings one before me. Then pour the juice into it before doing the same for himself and taking his seat on the stool.

***

"Thanks for dinner, Z, I loved it."

He beams at me, "You're welcome."

"So how's the game development going?" I ask seemingly interested in his pursuit of success.

He drinks the last juice in his cup and then proceed to confess, "Great, I'm a little nervous about it, but it should be perfected soon."

I reach out for his hand on the kitchen island and gently squeeze it, "I believe in you, Z, always have."

He squeezes my hand back and gives me a small smile before mouthing thank you, then he gets up and moves both his and my plate and cups to the sink and turns on the tap, "Do you want to talk about what happened today now?" Zander asks as he moves on to doing the dishes.

I glance at him, a little irritated that he isn't willing to let this go and feeling stupid for ever thinking he would. If he's anything like the Zander I used to know, he definitely will not stop until he sees me on my knees, confessing all my shortcomings to him.

I give him a do not go there look and he raises his hands before pouting, but continues to speak, although he surprises me by changing the subject. "Jessica cheated on me on our third anniversary and that was why we broke things off, I figured I have not told you that since I returned, I only told you we broke up."

I move over to the sink in hope to assist him, "Honestly I do not want to know about you and your misfortune with that bitch and you want to know why? I know, because I literally told you she would."

He chuckles too lighthearted for his own good, "We never got intimate in all our years together and not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't know how to go about it. I always believed it was because it wasn't the right time and it was going to work out in its own time, but it never did. I was never in the mood and never got turned on by all her effort even though I did find her attractive outside the bedroom. I thought she understood my plight and was going to be with me through it. I was so stupid." He sighs painfully as he finishes washing the plates and pass them to me to rinse it and leans against the counter.

"You were in love, how were you to know she was a bitch?" I say, trying to sound encouraging.

"When I confronted her about it the next day, she made a huge scene and called me gay in front of the much crowd of student that were gathered around us and the way I looked that day didn't help matters either and though no one called me out on it, I felt it on their faces and the way they looked at me and treated me as though I was such a sin they didn't want to associate with. They weren't supposed to do that even if what she said about me was true, but it wasn't."

What is the name of the college he went to again? Cause I am now hoping to bring hell down on them.

"There are just small-minded people, don't let them get to you."

"I didn't. My first instinct after that day was to run, but I made you a promise to finish, get a degree and then come back to make our lives better and I ignored their side look, side talk and acted like nothing ever happened."

Zander didn't say much about his stay when he returned a part of me knew he didn't want to talk about it and also knew I didn't want to hear about it because I always thought he had spent those years rejoicing that he was finally rid of his burden of a sister, but now hearing him talk makes me want to wrap my arms around him and never stop hugging him.

Remind me to include Jessica in the list of people I hope to make their lives miserable in the near future.

"I believed that whatever I ended up coming out as, you'd love and accept me," he added the last part silently before looking up at me.

"Always," I vow solemnly.

"Oh wow, that was easier than I thought." He admits with a little chuckle.

Seeing Zander be all open and honest makes me want to do the same and before I can help it, my mouth opens and the words begin to flow. "I am married, Zander."

He stares at me for a long moment of silence and after not seeing anything else on my face but genuine seriousness, he asks. "What do you mean you're married?"

I rinse the last piece of glass cup in my hand and begin to wipe it with the dry cloth close to the dishwasher. "Well, technically I'm now a widow because he died, but I used to be married-"

He backs off a little, and I'm not sure if it is voluntarily or from the weight of my words. "Woah! Wait, wait, hold up. What are you talking about married, widowed?"

I toss the cloth onto the counter, a little pissed that he keeps cutting in before I can finish. "That's what I'm trying to explain and you keep cutting me off."

"Are you married or not?"

I run my fingertip over the tip of the glass cup still in my hand and I only do this when I feel agitated and I haven't been agitated in a very long time and I try to keep my gaze anywhere but on his. "I was, I no longer am, he died a few weeks after we got married."

He walks out of the kitchen and I follow him and I have no idea why I'm letting this get so much to me and honestly, I shouldn't care, but he's family, he's my blood and somehow his opinion seems to still matter to me.

"Who did you marry?" he demands, picking up his phone from the centre table and double-tapping on its screen to turn it on.

"Does it matter? He's dead and it been years now, Z, you don't have to make an issue out of it and ruin everything."

"Damn it, Alex, what was his name?!" he snaps a little angrier than I want him to be.

This is what I've been trying so hard to keep him away because I didn't want this interrogation and the judgemental tone that is voice is now talking and this is why I've kept him at arm's length all these months. "Lucas Paige."

He types on his phone probably googling the name and waits a few moments before scrolling through it.

I grow nervous and my palms grow sweaty and I can't help predict that the worse is yet to come. "You don't have to read those, I'm standing in front of you, you can ask me anything and I'll answer them and say nothing but the truth."

He looks up at me from his face and there is the look, the look that screams you're a gold digger straight into my face and as the words begin to pour from his mouth, I couldn't be more correct. "I knew all this," he gesture to the house and probably cars and money "was too sudden, but I never knew you'd go to such length to get them. Was that the reason you kept me out of your life? Because you got all this by whoring yourself and you knew I would be disappointed in the woman you'd become, a woman who would marry a man old enough to be her grandfather just for his money. Did you kill him, Alex?"

"Screw you, Zander!" I fire back, throwing the glass cup in my hand at him, but he ducks and it hits the wall behind him and shatters into pieces, "you know why I haven't told you all these months you've been back? It's because of your holier than thou, piece of shit attitude. I knew you were going to judge me, I just hoped before you judge me like the rest, you'd at least hear me out first." My voice is cracking and trembling and that's because I've broken the promise I made to myself years ago which was to not let anyone get to me by trying to define who they think I am, but Zander is not just anyone, he's my blood, he's my twin brother and just like the rest he judged me before he even knew the whole story.

Yes, I'm no saint but there are still things I find wrong and won't do.

His eyes drop in sadness as he stares at me with regret in his eyes. "Alex-" he calls out slowly and calmly, but the harm is already done and there is no undoing it.

I wipe the tears stain in my eyes, not wanting to continue another minute of this discussion and I step back. "Get out of my house, go and don't ever come back," I say before climbing up the stairs and heading to my room.