Chapter Five

"You're such a fool."

I was shocked by the sudden voice I heard behind me. I forgot that someone is sitting behind me. I ranted and cried my heart out not knowing that there's a person hearing those. This is so embarrassing. 

I know that I have been stupid. I have done so many things that hurt me along the way. Things that ruined me. Yeah, I'm such a fool. But hearing those words coming from someone I don't know, I couldn't say a thing. It feels like something hitted me, even though I know it's coming. 

"Being used by others is the worst thing a person could experience. No one wants to be played. We desire for someone that will reciprocate our worth, " I stated. 

Elder said that we shouldn't talk to someone we don't know, or simply mean, don't talk to strangers. But as we grew up, we realized, letting go of our feelings by telling it to other people is much better, it'll help us to be free. And that's what I'm doing. 

I can't tell what's on my mind to those people who are close to me, family or friends, none of them. For me, they'll listen to all my rants, and I'm thankful for it. But the difference is that, they'll watch their words, they'll just say the things they think I want to hear. They'll pity me over something but at the end, I know, they will still be on my side. 

I don't want that feeling. The feeling of someone having pity over me. Someone that considers my feelings over my situation. In my view, people who are close to us tend to cause us more damage. Because they let us know we are right, even though we're not. And that will surely hurt us more. 

"All this time, I let myself be used by others. I let them play with my feelings. Funny right? I never realized it until now. I am like begging for love, for affection. What can I do? That's how I feel. I know, I see it. I see it coming but I just can't stop it."

Sharing my thoughts with this man gave me relief. I don't even have the doubt for him, like he's gonna make fun out of my situation. I don't feel that he's going to mock me. I don't care if there's going to be any judgement. Rather than that, I feel like I can trust him. My gut says that this man behind me is someone I needed for, someone I am longing for. Someone who can lend his shoulders for me. 

"It's not easy for me. I tried to escape from it. I want to run away from it because I never want to feel that kind of pain again. I know how agonizing it is. But everytime feels like a new start, like I've not been through that hell. I always welcome it with open arms. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"You are the problem."

I sighed. I know there is a problem but saying that it is me, that's so much. I mean, I am the victim here. I am the one who is played and used. And then all of sudden, it became my fault. Funny.

"You were so desperate for love, for affection, that you didn't notice those people who really loved you. You're so drowned in your own thoughts that there's somebody out there that will love you for sure that you never saw that you already abandoned those who really do," he stated. 

"You're wrong. How can you judge someone just by hearing everything I say? You've never been in my situation so stop talking about what you do. It's never been you, it's been me all this time."

I thought he was different but I was wrong. I made myself look like an idiot again. I became a fool. How foolish of me to think that this man, who's merely a stranger, will be different from those people I know. He is like them, they judge me just because of what they see, or hear. They don't really know the whole truth. 

"I see. And no, I didn't judge you. Look, you've been used countless times, and you said you can't do anything about it. It's not about you being a playtoy to them, that's not the problem. It's the way you see the other people. Like what I've said, there's a lot of people loving you that you didn't notice."

"You're being desperate for love because the love they're giving you is not the love you've been looking for. You avoided the way they show their love for you, because for you, it's not the way of love you're into. You want a person who can let you feel the love in your own perspective."

"You discarded their love. You never accept it as love. Why? Because you had your own definition for it. Own thoughts on how it works. And that is the reason why you are always played and used. Because you kept on looking love on someone, someone who had the same meaning for love the way you do."

"But you know, that's so impossible. We have different perspectives regarding love. We have a distinctive way of showing love to one person. As you see, love is a complex thing a person can feel. The only thing here is that, whatever differences a person can have regarding love, there will be something in common between them. Those common things that will give spark throughout their lives. Those things that will connect them despite being diverse."

"You were drowned of the thought that finally, finally someone will reciprocate your way of thinking. You thought that this is it, and never saw that it was all a lie.

Giving them your all isn't a problem at all, but letting them do it all over again is like hitting your head with different rocks. You were fooled by the differences of those rocks and never thought that they were all that hard, that it'll hurt you."

I became silent. His words marked in my head. I don't want to hear those but I know, deep inside, I know he's right. I'm just afraid to admit that what he said was all true, because I know how those will hurt me. I cried again, why is this happening to me? I was like being slapped by reality. This is so suffocating. Truth really does hurt, huh. 

"I don't know what to do. I regret all those things and the time I wasted. I want them back, I want to be okay. I don't want this kind of feeling that whatever I do, there's already fear inside me," I said. 

"Then learn how to free yourself," he replied. As if that one is so easy to do. Tsk. I sighed. I look so hopeless. What should I do now? 

"Ah, why don't you try to do other things. Something different perhaps. In this way, you'll be distracted, you won't remember about the pain. Also, you'll feel something new, something that will help you feel alive again."

Hmmm, sounds interesting but I can't think of anything. I used to live a normal life, and all I do is like a routine to me. If I ever change something about that, I think it'll  cause more stress for me. 

Well, as I think about it, it gets me really excited. I really want to let go of those painful experiences I had. I want to create a new story for me to tell. And this time, I'll make sure it's worth telling. Now, I should be making a plan on how to change my life, for good. What should I do then? 

I looked up at the sky. The sun's so bright. Despite the dark clouds that cover it, it still shines brightly. I slightly laugh, that's how I feel right now. I feel like I am a sun, and those dark clouds are my painful experiences. No matter how afflictive those memories I had, with the help of this man, I'm still able to feel lightness in my heart. 

"Thank you. Your words helped me a lot. Also, it made me feel relieved. I thought I will suffer from this burden for so long but you came and gave light to me. This is so much. I really thank you."

If this man didn't come, I'd probably be suffering from overthinking. Lots of what ifs will be spread through my mind. I will keep on asking about my self-worth and I'll probably continue on hurting myself without even noticing it. For sure, if this man didn't talk to me, I'm definitely still crying at the moment. This man is like an angel to me. Somehow, he managed to save me. I smiled. I love this feeling of having someone to lean on.  The feeling of being rescued from drowning. 

"You can cry, and cry. If you want to cry, just cry. No one's gonna judge you for that. If you feel pain again, it's okay, let it out, suit yourself. Let yourself have its satisfaction. But after that, remember those pain. Learn from it. And promise yourself not to let that pain again. Don't let anyone hurt you again. Don't let them make you feel that again. Remember all of those times that you've cried. It will make you stronger."

"Also, don't rush things. Do other things that you wanted to do. That love can wait, and maybe, someone's wanting you. You just didn't notice it so just wait." I hope so. I already asked Him if there's someone for me. I thought those guys I've met are those but I was wrong. Maybe, maybe if I learn to wait, he'll come by. Right, I should wait. 

"Alright. It's time for me to go. I hope you're fine now," he said. I smiled. We talked for long, and were still seated behind each others' back. We didn't have the thought of seeing each others' face, because we were drowned in our thoughts. 

"Again, thank you." I felt that he already stand up from where he is seated. I thought he already left, but I was wrong. He's still there. 

"My name's Jelo Ramirez. And if ever you like ranting again, find me here. I am always here."