5. THE BLACKOUT

“But they plan, and Allah plans. And Allah is the best of planners.” (QURAN 8:30)

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"What the hell is the meaning of this?! How dare you spout that nonsense out there!! Is there anything left for you to destroy?!" My mother kept screaming her heart out but I sat there silently scrolling through my phone; checking up on my flight for Gilgit.

"I AM TALKING TO YOU!!" She screamed, snatching the phone from my hand roughly. I watched her heaving from all that shouting. Despite all that anger that she was trying to release, her face remained placid—all thanks due to the botox job. I watched between her and my phone in her hand for a moment before getting up with a sigh.

"Why are you suddenly acting like you care about what I do? You should do what you do best; which is minding your own business—" I return unfazed but just as the words left my mouth, a sharp slap across my left cheek made me fall against the bed.

"—-We have been patiently putting up with your nonsense for so long that you have started considering us as fools?!!" I heard her scream at the top of her lungs, from my sprawled position on the floor; a hand pressed against my slapped cheek.

"Won't marry?" I heard her sneering but didn't dare turn around to look at her. I felt hot tears stinging the corner of my eyes due to anger. I feared that if I were to see her now, I might lose control of my senses and do something unforgivable.

"Even if it's the last thing I have you do, I'll make sure it happens! You can rot here until that happens!" Her words kept ringing in my ears, even after hearing the door slam shut. Yet, I didn't move an inch from my place. 

"And I'll die, than let that happen." 

I opened my eyes and for awhile just laid on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Still reeling from the aftermath of memory of that day, I wondered, if sleep would come to me tonight. Having been nestled in the pitch darkness of the room, my eyes did not need to adjust to the unlit room, but it still took me a while to bring my surroundings into focus. My throat felt parched, so with some effort, I sat up to get water from the bottle on my side table. While I did, my thoughts kept wandering back to that day. 

I had missed my flight because I was locked in my room for the next few days. It wasn't until a week later, after I had unwillingly started to help out with wedding preps that they went easy on me. I made an excuse about staying over at Saba's place for a week to help out with her sister's wedding preparations. 

It was only a matter of time before they found about my whereabouts. If they wanted to find me, they would , even if I were hiding in the depths of ocean. I am sure Mother would be able to go to any lengths to make sure, that nothing hurts my relationship with the Suleiman's. Everyone knew, that if Navi heard about it, hell would ensue. 

Unable to dissuade my ill thoughts, I draped the back of my arm over my eyes, with an exhausted sigh. Once again, I couldn't help but find myself wishing for the impossible.

I wish I was never born.

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After a whole day of convincing myself to stay away from them, I was standing outside Amo's gates, once again.

I had my hand up against the door to knock but something made me hesitant.

'Maybe, I should leave. It's still not too late.' 

Before I could come to a decision, the door opened. With an open mouth, I gaped at Hadi, who was standing in the door with a quizzical look on his face.

"Ah." This was all I could manage to get out of my mouth and realised that my hand was still hanging up in the air. Quickly, putting it down I greeted him with a smile.

"Assalamualaikum—" The corners of my lips twitched uncomfortably under his scrutinising gaze.

"Walaikumusalam." His reply was curt but the frown had softened slightly, as he moved to let me in. With a small nod, I advanced past him.

"Ha—You must've thought good riddance—" I continued after walking into the middle of the room, before turning on my heel to face him. Unsure, if it was because I had turned around abruptly, but for a moment, everything had become blurry.

I felt his face seem out of focus and before he could come up with a reply, Amo had made an entrance into the room.

"Oh! Aasiya, you are here! Where had you vanished, dear? I was getting worried." She exclaimed panicked and took me in her arms. I tried saying something but the words wouldn't leave my mouth. It felt like the room was spinning. I felt lack of energy to remain standing. I could hear Amo say something but it was getting harder to make out what. My vision started to turn hazy and it was gradually getting harder to remain steady on on my feet.  

''Aasiya, love. Are you alright? You don't look so good.'' I could hear worry laced in Amo's voice.

"I am fine. Just a little—" The word dizzy didn't manage to make out of my mouth and the last thing I heard was Amo's shreik.  

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I woke up to find myself in a small room.I sat up when Zahra came in. 

''Oh. Aasiya, you are awake. How are you feeling, now?'' Zahra asked coming to sit beside me on the bed and took my hand in hers.  

''Much better Zahra. Thank you.''I smiled at her.  

"That's a relief. We all got so worried when you blacked out like that. Hadi brought you up to my room. Amo said that you fainted because of exhaustion. We were getting worried when you didn't wake up after a while.'' Zahra explained with a small smile on her face.  

''Amo... did?'' I asked surprised; ignoring the part where she said that Hadi had carried me to the room.  

''Yeah. She is a hakeem (physician)." She remarked while fixing the pillows near my head, as I sat up.

''Oh. I didn't know.'' I smiled looking away. We were still talking when Amo came in with a tray of broth.  

''Zahra. I told you to call me if Aasiya was awake.'' Amo rebuked gently.

''I was just coming Amo.'' Zahra returned sweetly trying to calm her angry mother.  

"Alright love. Now please be a dear and bring Aasiya some fruits.'' She remarked lovingly and placed a kiss on Zahra's cheeks. 

"Right away, Amo." She returned with a smile before exiting the room.

I smiled at the sight but couldnt ignore the pang of sadness in my heart looking at the two of them.  

''Love. How are you feeling now?" Amo inquired, taking a seat next to me on the bed.

"Much better Amo. Very sorry for the trouble.''  I returned sheepishly, unable to meet her eyes.

"Oh dear, you are no trouble. We were just worried. You shouldn't skip your meals, love.'' She remarked gently, cupping my face in her hands.

''I—" I tried saying but the words were caught up in my throat.

"I....wasn't hungry.'' I returned in an apologetic tone.  

''You should take better care of yourself. What would your Dad think if he saw you like this, right now." Amo continued unabated in a calm tone, while I was stunned to silence. Unaware of the changing colours of my face, she continued feeding me the broth.

''D—ad?'' I questioned with a stutter, coughing on my food. Amo got up quickly to pour me water from the jug on the table. I took it gratefully, while Amo gently rubbed my back with instructions to take it easy.

"Yeah, he called. When you were asleep." She continued unfazed, while I was having a hard time to keep my tone levelled.

"Oh. Right. What was he saying?" I asked feigning composure while shying away from her gaze.

''Nothing. I didn't pick up.'' She answered calmly and I released a breath which I didn't even realise I was holding in and grabbed the phone placed beside my pillow.

''Aasiya?'' I heard Amo call out, while putting a spoonful in my mouth.

''Yeah, Amo?'' I hummed without looking up from my phone.

"Why don't you stay here with us?" She finished solemnly.  

''What—?" I looked up surprised to find her watching me with a warm gaze.

"It will give me peace of mind. You're on your own in this foreign land. It's dangerous, love. And....Hadi told me about that incident.When you didn't come, I got scared that—" She continued in a small voice, without meeting my eyes but left off without finishing. I felt too stunned to get a word out.

"Ah—Amo. I—that—I managed fine and—-it was only one time—I can't just—"  I responded frantically, looking anywhere but at her.

"You call me Amo, but don't consider me one?''  I couldn't say anything. I opened my mouth to say something but could only shake my head; my eyes glazing with unshed tears. It felt like a lump in my windpipe was constricting my breathing.

"Amo—That's not what I— I can't be burden—" My voice was shaking but Amo didn't let me finish and grasped my chin in her hand and, kissed me on both cheeks.  

"You aren't a burden Aasiya." She whispered softly, smoothing the hair falling on my forehead. For a while I sat there numb, watching her blankly. And then suddenly, a small sob escaped my lips. Followed by another and then I was sobbing loudly, like a dam breaking loose. Amo just hugged me to her chest and continued to pat my back.

Why? Why do I feel like someone is ripping my heart into shreds. Just hearing her say those words was enough to melt the ice surrounding my heart. 

How was it any different from what my parents did. They caged me to protect me too, right? Then why do I sense warmth in this stranger's words that I couldn't find in my own parents'. 

After crying my heart out, I felt surprisingly light. Amo went down ahead of me and after becoming presentable, I too, made my way downstairs. I was on the bottom stairs when my eyes settled on Hadi who was talking to Amo while chewing on an apple. Sensing my presence, his gaze met mine and stayed there. I couldn't look away until, Amo called me over. After that he left the kitchen. 

I wonder if he heard me crying.  

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After dinner and helping out Amo and Zahra with the cleaning up, everyone went to sleep. I couldn't sleep since I had done that the rest of the afternoon, so I went out to the lawn. The night was chilly, so I started walking around. 

After getting tired of that, I started putting the laundary in basket. I was admiring the moonlight while sitting on the porch and folding the laundary when I heard the door opening behind me. I turned around and almost gasped to find Hadi standing behind me. He peered at me through his thick lashes. His blue eyes twinkling in the moon light while he stared at me with his usual poker face. Straightening my face I gave him a small awkward smile before returning to folding clothes.  

"What are you doing?" He asked in that husky, honey dripping voice of his.  

"Folding laundry?" I returned skeptically.

"I can see that but why at this time of night?" He inquired blankly without a hint of interest, before coming to stand over me.

"I—I—couldn't sleep." 

I wondered for the millionth time, as to why did I always have to become a scattered mess in front of him. 

Expecting him to say some more, I sat still in my place, but then he just sighed and sat on the stairs beside me. I turned up to look at him surprised, who appeared unfazed and had begun helping me out. I couldn't look away from him for a while, but after managing to recollect my  wits, I returned to my task at hand. 

We continued in silence for a while and despite my quickening heart beat, it was a very comfortable silence. 

After placing the last of it in the basket, he lifted his eyes to meet mine. His gaze was steady and unfaltering; cold with the slightest hint of warmth. I wondered if he would leave now, but he continued to sit there and stare at me. I was starting to feel heat creep up my cheeks and wondered if he could hear my thumping heart too. Finally, breaking contact, I got up clumsily; almost tripping over the basket.

"Good night, Captain." My voice came out hoarse, in a whisper; when I picked up the basket with trembling hands and rushed in.