Confession 2

CHAPTER 7: CONFESSION 2

Love is like a two edges sword. If you master it well, it would protect you. If you hold it wrong, it will cut you.

     ~Humeyra.

I am sorry was the first words he said to me. Those simple words broke my heart in to million pieces. He then continued smashing the already broken pieces of my heart to tiny pieces. “I am sorry Humeyra because I am not ready for marriage. I am also sorry because even if I was ready for marriage, you are not my type. I like you but as a friend, a sister.

I feel that I am too good for you. You have none of the quality that am looking for in a wife. I am sorry Humeyra”. He concluded.  His word made me so weak I had to hold on to the bed to not fall. I was sure I looked like a wrecked piece of art.

I am really pathetic, I thought. Is this what love has reduced me to? A stupid worthless lady who was beneath the standard of her dream guy? How did I love him so much yet he felt nothing? How did I give so much of myself yet got nothing from him? Suddenly I feel suffocated. My breath is gasping short and my heart beating so fast.

I am sinking down. Down. All hopes I have passed. I am screaming in my head but I don't say a word. Humeyra?  Humeyra?  Hamdan’s voice brought me out of my thoughts. Humeyra, say something please, he urged looking scared or was it hurt that I saw in his eyes? I don’t think so.

He just mercilessly humiliated me and broke my heart, lowered my esteem and made me feel worthless. I looked up at him and asked in a very broken voice, would you let me say goodbye habibi? Would it be okay if I have you just for a few minutes since I won’t have you ever again? Right then, at that particular moment I didn't consider my creator, nor my honor.

All I thought was about him. I was insane for him you can call it obsession. I was afraid of losing him and now all I could think of was that this would be my last moments with him.

He looked scared but nodded.  Do you trust me habibi? I asked. He nodded again. Sit on the chair for me habibi with your hands behind the chair. He complied. Close your eyes for me hubbi (love), I whispered sensually in to his ears. Lost in the addictive euphoria of love and high on adrenaline, my desires took over my heart and soul and he was the only drug that could quench the thirst I felt at that very moment imagining losing him forever.

I forgot my pride, my honor. Most importantly I forgot my creator and death. He swallowed and complied. I took of my abaya and used it to tie his hands behind the chair. I then used the jalabib to tie his eyes. My heart was racing so fast and my palms were sweaty but I had to do it. I wanted him more than life itself I couldn’t help it.

So I straddled him and heard him groan unintentionally. I was shaking too much like a leaf in a stormy windy night. I had a feeling he felt the tremor from my body. I then wrapped my hand around his neck and brought my face near his. I wanted to sniff his neck. I wanted to know his scent. I had a sudden urge to mark him.

I don’t know what got in to me since I had never been intimate with anyone but at that very moment I lusted for him as much as I love him. I wanted to absorb his whole body and merge it with my own. I desired to own him, body and soul.

I gently kissed his forehead and heard him take in a sharp breath. I didn’t stop though. I pecked his cheeks, his nose and his lips.  I went a bit lower and bit on his ear lobe and he blessed me with a very sexy moan. That was the moment I lost control of my emotions. I cried uncontrollably hard I started shaking all over again. I knew that I will lose him forever.

I held him even tighter with my face buried in his neck and my hands wrapped around his neck and waist. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I felt something wet on my shoulder and realized that Hamdan was crying but I didn’t know why. I decided to give him a goodbye that will keep him awake for days.

I lowered my head and took his lips with all the love and passion I could master. His lips were sinfully sweet wallahi (by Allah) I didn’t want to let go and what took me by surprise was him kissing me back. I nibbled at his lower lips and bit down on it gently and immediately felt something moving under my bottom.

That brought me out of my sinful acts. I looked at him once more and whispered in to his ears, “Hathaa qawlihi, hathihi lak (this is my gift for you). I love you habibi. I will always love you. No one can ever love you as much as I do. I will miss you ya ayouni (my eyes). Don’t forget me please hubbi. You said I don’t deserve you?

I hope one day you will realize your mistake. You have my heart. You took it and am left with none while you have two. Please take care of my heart for me for it forever belongs to you. Ever since I saw your beautiful smile in that hall, it was what kept my nightmares away and give me more strength to keep on living and not just existing.

Thank you for being part of my life for though short, it brightened my dark life some brightness; your hands are loosely tied. Please wait till I go then you are free to go home, Safe journey and Goodbye my love”, I finished and stood up from his lap with my shaky legs. I ran out of the room and went directly to the next room which was where I would spend my night.

I couldn’t stop my tears and this time, they were tears of shame. Of the sins I have just committed since I was admitted to the university. It was tears of loss. Loss of my faith, of my love, my self-worth and my dignity. Loss of my heart.

That night I spent crying in sajdah (prostration) to my lord to forgive my sins and to give me the strength to go on. Ya Rahman, have mercy on my poor soul, I prayed and fell asleep on my prayer mat. It was also the beginning of my beautiful relationship with Allah and the start of a magnificent journey back to my lord. The Lord I abandoned for my selfish desires.