Losing Mom

ABBY

I can’t thank enough, and I want to yell out loud as soon as I step outside the exam hall. I can finally breathe—breathe some fresh air. This year is the most exhausting year for me, and all I need is a long vacation—spread a blanket in the sand, drink a cocktail while reading good books.

I sigh.

I pick my phone from my bag. I have five missed calls from my best friend, two from Dad, but sadly, still nothing from Mom. I feel sick in my stomach. Is she ignoring me? I ignore those messages in my inbox.

My parents are still out of the country celebrating their anniversary. Mom is always Mom who worries too much. A few days ago, her call was a little bit odd.

“Hey, Mom. How’s the honeymoon? I mean not that part, you know?” I beam even though she can’t see me.

“Oh, honey, I know, and I wish you’re here. You’ll love this place, but we can take you here anytime. How’s college?” 

I sigh. “I’m sure I’ll love it, Mom. And college is still college, and it’s almost finals. Where’s dad?”

“On the phone, honey. Got a call from Grace.” I knew Grace—she’s Dad’s PA.

“You must be too tan right now. Why don’t you send me some photos?” She can’t tag me. I don’t have a social media account. Pathetic, isn’t it?

“I will, honey. So tell me, are you dating anyone? I wanna meet that guy.” Date? Since when am I allowed to date? I furrow my brows.

“Mom, did you forget you said I’m still young to date? What happened to the focus first on your school, boys later?” 

“Honey, that was three years ago.”

“Oh, yeah? But you didn’t tell me either that I’m already allowed to date.” Pathetic of an excuse because I know why I don’t date.

“You’re not sixteen anymore. You should at least date and try making new friends.” Mom’s enthusiastic voice fills my ear, and I close my eyes because I missed her.

“Mom, I have friends. I mean, I have a best friend, you know.” I feel suddenly alone.

I still remember when she told me how she and Dad met, and how she knew Dad is her soulmate. They can’t just keep their hands off of each other even until now. When I said eww, they just laughed at me.

“See, honey. I’m not forcing you into a date. Just try to go out there. Your therapist suggested that you should make friends, right?” She always encouraged me, but she worried too much at the same time.

“Yeah, I know. Making friends and dating are two different things though, Mom.”

“Mack, I know smarty-pants, but promise me, you’ll live your life to the fullest. Be happy, have friends, date someone, travel around the world, see new places, appreciate things because life is too short to focus on just one thing, honey. Don’t let your past hold your future, promise me, Mackenzie?” Now, I want to cry. My lips start to quiver.

“Mom, why are we talking about this right now? Jeez, I’m not that old to miss the fun and date. Maybe one of these days, I’ll bump into Sam Caflin or Chris Hemsworth, and maybe, one of them asks me for a coffee.” I roll my eyes.

“Don’t do that. I can see your eyes rolling, young woman. Try trusting someone. You’ll feel right when it is. Trust your instinct, honey.” 

I take a huge breath. I try making excuses to drop this subject. “Okay, I promise, and Mom it’s Abbygail. And trusting someone is not just buying sweets from the candy shop. Dad will definitely freak out about me going out on a date. Does he even know that you’re telling me this?”

“Why would I let Daddy know? You know it’s our secret,” she whispers.

I chuckle. “And you’re terrible at keeping secrets to Dad. I’ll let you know when I meet someone that worth my time.”

“Good, now talk to daddy.” 

I bite my lip. “Hey, pumpkin. How’s my girl?” Dad’s voice sounds restraints.

“Dad, how old am I? And I’m great by the way.”

“You’re still my baby girl, sweetheart. Why?” 

“I’ll tell you why. First, don’t call me a pumpkin. No one likes to date some pretty lately with a name pumpkin. Secondly, I’m already an adult to be pumpkin, and lastly, I missed you, Dad,” I sing at the end.

“What do you mean “date”? Wait. Are you dating anyone, Mackenzie? Why didn’t you mention you meet someone? We talk almost every day, and I don’t like that idea of you keeping something from me, young woman.” Oops... Sorry, Mom. 

I grin. “Dad, I’m not dating anyone, but maybe soon. I’ll start dating since it’s the end of the school year, you know,” I say, giggling.

“And who told you you’re allowed to date? I didn’t remember permitting you, Mackenzie.” I can feel his eyes narrowing on me.

“Dad, I’m an adult. Meaning, I can go out on a date.” 

“I know, but you’re still my baby, and the last time you went out, you know what happened. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I don’t mean to remind you,” Dad says regrettably.

“Don’t be, Dad. I know, but until when I’ll stay away from people? What if Drew will live out with his girlfriend, and I’ll be left alone.” I blow a huge breath.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know how hard it is for you, and I know I’m just on my dad mode.” He sounds tired.

“Don’t worry, when I’ll go out with someone, I promise I’ll let you know. Tell mom I love her and give her a kiss for me.”

“Sure, sweetheart. Take care, and be a good girl. We’ll see you soon. I love you, Abby.”

“Love you both, Dad.”

My parents got married when they’re still both in college. They both came from well-prominent families and rival companies, but it didn’t stop them from falling in love. Later on, both companies had merged. It took five years for mom to get pregnant, and they almost lost hope. They planned for adoption, but before it happened, I was conceived.

I dial my Dad’s number, and he picks up almost instantly.

“Hey, Dad. Tell me you and Mom are already in my apartment, and we’re going to have lunch at our restaurant.” 

He stays silent, but I can hear his breathing from the other line.

I’m already sitting in my car and turn on the ignition, but before I can drive, I stop.

The unexpected circumstance that reminds us to expect the unexpected and that life is inevitable. Expect even the worst one, but it never occurs to me how strong the impact until it hit me. 

I feel the world is crashing on me, and I can feel my blood rushing through my body. I gasp, and my hand covers my mouth. I don’t even realize my phone falls from my now trembling hand. I feel boneless, speechless, and breathless. I feel like I’m ice in the middle Sahara Desert, melting rapidly, and my eyes are now blurry.

Everything stops.

This is supposed to be a happy family get-together because, after a year in college, I can finally spend with my parents for months. Now it will never be the same again—everything has changed.

I finally sob, and my hands are tightly gripping on the steering wheel as if it gives me strength. I wish I’m with Dad when things like this happened. How did he manage to handle it by himself? Poor Dad. His soulmate is gone. He just lost my mom. Mom is gone.

Breath...

Breath...

Breath...

I wipe my tears from my face, but it won’t dry until someone tap from outside of my window. My best friend who looks like hell, but I’m sure I look worst. I struggle to open the door at first. When I get out of my car, I launch myself into him, and I hug him so tight and bury my face in his chest. I know he is crying too, and my shoulders are shaking as we cry together.

“I’m sorry, Abby. She’s like a mother to me. I know it hurts, and I’m so sorry.” Drew keeps rubbing my back.

“Your Dad called me when you didn’t pick up. So I took a cab, and I know you would be here. I can’t even drive, Abby. I’m still in shock.” He helps me to passenger seat after he suggested to drive. We remain silent on our way to our apartment.

I just cry to my bed, bury my face in the pillow, and sob again.

Someone is talking and tapping my shoulder, but my eyes refuse to open. Then I remember what happened before I sleep. I cry again until I fall to sleep.

“Hey, honey. Wake up. You need to get up, and I have something to tell you.” I open my eyes, and I see my mom’s beautiful smile. Her eyes are twinkling like a million stars in the skies, and she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

I jolt awake. Drew is sitting in my bed with a steaming bowl in his hand. He must have cooked while I passed out.

“Hey, I know I shouldn’t ask, but how’re you feeling?” He manages to smile though it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“My head is about to explode. My eyes are heavy. Everything hurts like hell.” I start crying, but I’m also hungry, and my stomach keeps grumbling.

“It’s okay to cry, sweetie. I would be worried if you won’t, but you have to eat. You need your energy. Your dad called back while you were sleeping. We’re leaving in two hours. Your dad wanted to send the jet, but I told him not to bother. I booked a flight for us, so we have to hurry. Eat your food, then freshen up. We’re leaving as soon as you’re ready. I’ll get Tylenol for you.”

He strides toward my bathroom, and I hear a cabinet opens and closes. He places the tablets of Tylenol at my bedside. I force myself to eat the food he offered. I don’t realize how famished I am until I empty the bowl. I take two Tylenol and drink some water.

I feel dizzy when I stand up abruptly. Drew manages to hold me before I fall to the floor.

“Do you need help undressing?” Drew asks as we reach the bathroom.

“I can manage from here. I’ll get a quick shower. I let you know if I need anything.” I lock the bathroom door and take a quick shower.

I almost don’t recognize myself with glassy green eyes, fluffy eye bags, stuffy red nose, full red lips, and my skin looks so pale. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and whisper, “ I am strong. I survived once, and I can do it again.”

***

I sleep throughout our entire flight. Drew nudges me on my shoulder and reminds me we’re landing in fifteen minutes.

“I guess you slept well too?” I say while yawning.

“I sleep as soon as I hear you snore on my shoulder.” 

I cross my arms. “I don’t snore.” 

“You drolled too.” He’s the best brother I ever wanted. He always managed to lift me up when I felt down.

“I know how you feel, Abby, and I feel it too. I love your mom. Wherever she is right now, I’m sure she’s happy and proud of you. You shouldn’t be sad but cherish all the memories of you and your mother.” He squeezes my hand, and I squeeze it back.

“I know, Drew, but I can’t help it. I should be beside her when things got tough. I should be holding her hand and telling her how much I love her. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye, kiss her, or hug her one last time. I should have been there. I’m her daughter for God’s sake. Why didn’t she tell me about it? I’m such an idiot, and I didn’t get what she meant when she called a few days ago. I do not doubt that she loved me, and I feel it, but why she hide it from me?” 

Drew wipes my tears by tissue on his hand. “Always a boy scout.” He gives me a sad smile and kisses my temple.

“Abby, your mother doesn’t want you to see her suffer. You’ve suffered too much already. She doesn’t want to see you sad before... before she’s gone. The last thing she wanted to see is her beautiful smart, and happy daughter. Which she did.”

“You always have something to say to cheer me up, haven’t you?”

A car is already waiting for us when we arrive. Dad’s driver Howard gives me a sad smile and says sorry for my loss. God, how many people would come to me and say sorry for my loss? I don’t think I can take it. 

As soon as the car enters the gate of King’s mansion, I feel suddenly hollow. It reminds me again of why I’m here. It’s been three years since the last time I stepped inside this mansion. 

My eyes start to stings, and my chest starts to feel heavy. I take a deep breath and prepare myself. Would I ever be ready for this?

I don’t even notice someone already opens the door for me—it means I’m finally home—my old home. I step my right foot outside the car and bite my bottom lip that is now trembling.

I close my eyes. I feel large hands cupping my face, and I know those hands, the very same touch, the feelings of warmth, safety and reassurance, and the smell of musk and mint assault my nostrils. I inhale it deeply, and I’m afraid to open my eyes that it might not be real.

“Pumpkin? Open your eyes, sweetheart. It’s your dad.” He kisses my nose and my forehead.

Before I can open my eyes, I’m now shaking and crying out loud, and Dad pulls me into his arms and hugs me tight. I don’t care if all the people in the world hear me cry. I just want to feel that I’m now in Dad’s arm.

\

When I feel relieved, I release my hands and look at Dad in the eye. He’s also crying. His blue eyes are sad, and he quickly wipes his face and smiles at me, but it’s enough for me to know that I’m with Dad again.

“Good to see you, sweetheart. You know I love you so much, right, pumpkin?” 

I nod and give him a quick hug before we head inside my very home. 

At this very same room that I remember a lot of beautiful memories nothing has changed—only a few changes like new furniture, new curtain, fleshly made bed, new red carpet, and a new me.

I see both my suitcases are already in my room. I’m sure Drew is already settled on his own—he has already room on his own since my parents like adopted him. I sit on the edge of my bed and then curl myself to sleep.

***

I can’t move. I can’t see anything. I can’t hear either.

“Where am I?”

“Finally, we meet again, Mackenzie. Good to see you too. You’ve grown up into a woman.”

I can only see a figure of a tall man.

I try to move, but I can’t. I start to cry, and my fear is consuming me.

“Who are you? How do you know me? Why am I here?

“Too bad, Mackenzie. I knew you too well, and soon...” Just like that, and he’s gone.