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Chapter 20: Mariana

Author: M.E. Carter
last update Last Updated: 2022-10-20 14:05:46
The beeping of the waffle maker jars me out of my thoughts.

The free breakfast at the hotel barely opened half an hour ago, but I was already up. After yesterday's session on communication, sleeping is ridiculously difficult to do.

I can't stop thinking about what Santos said. You will never hate me more than I hate myself. I want to be happy that he's living with such tremendous guilt. This whole thing is his fault. But I can't. I had no idea he was grieving as much as I am. He's not one to show he's in any kind of pain often. Not physical pain. Not emotional pain. He's too busy being everybody's friend to be honest when his feelings are that intense.

And he never, ever cries. Needless to say, seeing him weep the way he did pulled me right out of my pity party and back into the real world, full of questions about what I should do now. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I give him another chance? Do I call it quits?

The only thing I know for sure is I need carbs. And sugar. And butter. And maybe s
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  • Goalie   Chapter 21: Santos

    The click of the door closing behind us sounds unusually loud compared to the silence between us. It was another hard day of therapy, and we're both emotionally spent.Anne had us all write a letter to our spouse and then read it to each other. In the letter, we had to apologize for our part in the downfall of our relationship. Then we had to outline what we're going to do different from now on, and how. The hardest part, though… the hardest part was having to write what behaviors I will and won't accept from Mari.That one pretty much stumped me. It would be one thing if she was anything other than perfect. The only thing that I could come up with is I want her to focus on herself more. Her entire life has been about giving, and I want her to allow herself to receive more. To accept compliments and believe me when I say she's beautiful. She struggles with that. She always has. And I made it substantially worse."Um, I'm gonna jump in the shower." She takes off her shoes and slips her

    Last Updated : 2022-10-20

  • Goalie   Chapter 22: Mariana

    It's our last day at the conference, and I, for one, am relieved. The website wasn't kidding when it stated it's an intense five days. I'm almost surprised I made it through.Santos and I walk hand-in-hand into the conference room and head straight for the coffee. It was a long night.He releases me to go talk to one of his new therapy friends, and I continue to the java. Victoria, who is standing in front of the cups stirring her own liquid gold, quirks an eyebrow at me."Looks like someone had a good night. I don't think I've seen him so relaxed the entire time we've been here."I smirk. "No comment.""Ah. So does this mean you've made up your mind about what to do?"I sigh and dump some creamer into my coffee, avoiding her gaze. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know. One night of hot sex doesn't make up for anything, ya know? I just missed him. And I think I needed that connection with him again.""I get it. None of us are here because the choices are clear. But I support you no matter what. I

    Last Updated : 2022-10-20

  • Goalie   Chapter 23: Santos

    "OOMPH!"The sheer force of my entire body meeting the ground causes me to forget everything else outside of this moment of pain."Again!" I yell and take my position back on my knees and Daniel lobs kick after kick at me. Trying to block shots from the position is almost a guarantee that I'll end up with bruises up and down my body, but that's the point. Pain on the outside makes me forget about pain on the inside."OOOMPH! Again!""What the fuck, man?" Daniels yells back, as he sets up for another kick. "I can't pepper these at you that fast. There's no way you'll be ready. It's a waste of our time."I get in position, ignoring his concerns. "I said again!""Santos!" I look to the sidelines as Coach waves me over."Shit," I mutter under my breath, stumbling to my feet and trudging in his direction.It's been three weeks since Mariana dropped a bomb on the life I thought I was rebuilding, and obliterated it all. It goes without saying that things have been tense between us ever since.

    Last Updated : 2022-10-20

  • Goalie   Chapter 24: Mariana

    "Don't worry. You're not the only one who is going to be a few minutes late. These elevators always take this long."I look around before realizing he's talking to me. The tall, very handsome man in a suit is talking to me."I'm sorry?" I ask like I'm completely disheveled, which I guess I am so it's not a huge stretch to come off that way."The elevators." He gestures toward the lifts. "You look nervous and keep looking at your watch. I just thought it would make you feel better to know everyone runs late. They're used to it upstairs.""Oh. Actually, that does make me feel better. Thank you." I smile at him and look back up at the indicating numbers, willing them to come down faster. "What court are you headed to?" the tall, handsome suit asks me."Um, the five-oh-seventh.""Ah." His face changes subtly. "Divorce court. You'll be fine. They schedule a bunch of cases at once. They'll never even know you're late." I can't tell if he's feeling bad for me or was initially flirting and no

    Last Updated : 2022-10-20

  • Goalie   Chapter 25: Santos

    "Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm."The telltale sounds that my orgasm is imminent make their way out of my throat. I look down at the red head with her hand wrapped around my cock and feel disgusted with myself, but I'm too far gone to stop now. Besides, I'm divorced now. Who's stopping me?"Get ready," I say just as the base of my spine begins to tingle. I come hard. I come long. And strangely, I feel nothing when it's over.I look down again and see a playful look in the redhead's eyes. As she begins to climb her way up my body, I know what she's going to do, and Mari's words slam into my brain."It never occurred to you that you kissed these whores on the mouth, probably right after they got done sucking someone else's dick without a condom, did it?"As the redhead goes to kiss me, I turn away.She pulls back. "What's wrong?""Nothing."She pulls back even more to look at me. "Did I do something wrong?""Besides blowing some douchebag you just met that you'll probably never see again?"Her eyes wi

    Last Updated : 2022-10-20

  • Goalie   Chapter 26: Mariana

    Dishes. Laundry. Diapers. Ugh. The chores are never ending. Today, it's grating on my nerves more than normal and I have no idea why.I've been a stay-at-home mom since Myra was born, and I was a stay-at-home wife before that. So none of this is new.But in some ways, it's all new.I knew when I left Santos life would change, but I think how much it changed is kind of jarring. I knew my life was wrapped up in Santos's job, but I don't think I ever knew how much until it was all gone.Not only do I not go to weekly games most of the year anymore, I don't get invited out by my friends either. I understand why… it's hard to include someone who is no longer part of the Mutiny family. What could I possibly contribute to party planning? I won't be invited to any of the family events. Won't watch the babies I've snuggled grow up. I won't be part of the celebrations. I won't be part of the losses. And how could I be? How would they be able to include Santos's next wife, assuming he were to ge

    Last Updated : 2022-10-20

  • Goalie   Chapter 27: Santos

    "Hey, how ya doing, Santos?""I'm doing okay, thanks."Shaking my therapist's hand, a genuine smile crosses my face. I've been seeing Justin for a couple of weeks now, and therapy hasn't been at all like I thought it would be.I envisioned a stuffy old man making me lay on a couch while he holds a clipboard and asks me about my mother. Justin, however, is anything but a stuffy old man. Just a couple years older than me, he comes to work wearing jeans and sneakers. He's got scruff on his face and doesn't even have a desk to sit behind. His office looks more like a living room with a couch and a couple recliners. The only indication it's a therapy office at all is the bookshelf full of reference material.We talk for a few minutes about my latest game and what the chances are we'll win the title this year. Turns out Justin isn't a fan of soccer, but he's been to an occasional game. Most people in Houston have, even if it's just to say they've gone.Quickly, the conversation turns to Mari

    Last Updated : 2022-10-20

  • Goalie   Chapter 28: Mariana

    The shrill noise of the drill makes the kids run away holding their ears, which makes my life easier because they stay away from the front door. The last thing I want right now is for one of them to try and bolt. I'm still feeling too much guilt over Theo getting out the other day.I was nervous to call Santos and tell him what happened. Really nervous. The entire thing was my fault. Distraction is understandable when you're a mom of three small children. But there is no excuse for the amount of emotional distraction I was allowing myself to have. The one good thing about the scare was that it forced me to take a good, hard look at myself and how emotionally stagnant I'd become. It's justifiable to feel anger and betrayal when one finds out their spouse has been unfaithful. But holding onto that anger for so long was a choice I made. Now, I choose to let it go. I choose to not be angry anymore. Regardless, I was still scared to tell Santos.Of course, he immediately put my fears to r

    Last Updated : 2022-10-20

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  • Goalie   Chapter 61: Santos, Part 2

    Her eyebrows crinkle in question. "Why are you thanking me?"Releasing her hand, I brush her hair out of her face and stroke her cheek. "I was so sure I had everything. I was cocky and arrogant and took it all for granted." I stop to clear my throat as the emotions sets in. "You jarred me out of my comfort zone and forced me to see myself for what I really was.""Santos…" she pleads."No," I interrupt. "Let me finish. I thought I was the strong one in our relationship, the backbone. But I wasn't. You were the strong one. You were always the strong one. And I took it for granted."I draw her closer to me and we press our foreheads together. "You forced me to see the reality of what I was doing and who I was. I didn't like what I saw, but I needed to see it. So thank you. Thank you for forcing me to be honest. With you. And with myself. I never want to go back to that place again. I never want to be that guy."Pulling away, I wipe the tears from Mari's cheeks while she wipes away mine.

  • Goalie   Chapter 60: Santos, Part 1

    I've been staring at the ceiling for I don't know how long. All I know is that I haven't been this comfortable in, probably ever.I'm in bed on my back, one arm behind my head, and a very naked Mari snuggled up on me, head nuzzled into that place between my shoulder and neck, her arm over my chest, our legs intertwined. It's the post-coital position I never thought I'd experience again. Yet here I am, drawing circles on her lower back as she drifts in and out of consciousness.Me, though, I'm wide awake. Sated, but awake. And I can't stop thinking about what Mari said earlier about being content.People always talk about chasing their happiness, but what if that's the root of most relationship problems? What if that's been part of my problem? What if there is so much pressure to be happy, when happiness isn't something you can be every minute of every day anyway? What if being content, with lots of sprinkles of happiness, as Mari describes it, is actually a healthier, more realistic go

  • Goalie   Chapter 59: Mariana, Part 2

    Santos chuckles and puts his arm around me while I bury my face in his neck. "Babe. Don't be embarrassed. You were right to force the issue. It was great.""I'm gonna stop you right here for a minute," Justin interjects. I look up at him. "Mari, a long time ago you and I had a conversation about how frustrated you were because Santos refused to get adventurous at all and you were tired of being treated like a fragile object. Do you remember that?""Yeah. I remember you saying it was an argument you and your wife have sometimes."He smiles. "It's true. As men, we aren't always that great at being in tune with our partners' wants and needs. Sometimes you have to spell it out for us.""She definitely spelled it out for me," Santos interjects. "Is that true?" Justin asks me.I nod. "Good for you. You spent a lot of years passively doing what Santos wanted, so to hear that you took charge of what you wanted, of what you felt was right for your relationship, really shows your own personal

  • Goalie   Chapter 58: Mariana, Part 1

    "You guys look happy," Justin says as he closes the door behind us. He's been our therapist for a couple of years, so he can read our moods pretty well.Santos sniggers. "We are very, very happy."My face heats up as I take my normal seat on the couch. "Really?" Justin plops down on his overstuffed chair. He's not a normal, stuffy therapist. He's relaxed, which normally makes me relaxed. Not today, however. Today, the topic of sex is going to come up and that makes me nervous. "Sounds like something good happened."Santos takes my hand in his and looks at me, a loving smile on his face. "Yeah. Something good happened."And there it is. My face is flaming since we're having this conversation in front of Justin. He's our therapist and I shouldn't be embarrassed for him to know that we've rekindled our sex life. But somehow it feels more intimate than when we were married. Maybe because the act itself is what caused the demise of our marriage in the first place. So to get back to this pl

  • Goalie   Chapter 57: Santos

    I blink at her once.Twice.Three times.I'm not sure I heard her correctly."I… what?"She smiles at me. "Santos, I love you. But I want our sex life to be different this time. I want to be adventurous and playful and fun. Yes, there are times I want you to make love to me. But there are times I want you to fuck me, too. I want to count how many orgasms you can give me and see if I can ever make you come twice in a row."My eyes quirk up. I didn't even know that was possible.She shrugs playfully. "I've been reading up on a few things." She turns around and saunters over to the couch, turning to look over her shoulder. "So I'm just gonna come over here while you decide. The adventure either starts right here, right now. Or we wait. Until you're ready to give me what I want."My eyes drink her in as she bends over the couch, still in her heels and garters, ass facing me. Her perfect pink pussy is swollen and wet. She's ready. For me. It suddenly hits me that her naked ass is waiting f

  • Goalie   Chapter 56: Mariana, Part 2

    I take a bite of my own food as I contemplate my answer. "I'm not asking because I'm in an emotional, girly, please-let-him-give-me-the-right-answer kind of mood. Since we're having this weird conversation anyway, I'm just genuinely curious."He takes his time, swallowing, putting down his utensils, wiping his mouth with his napkin. Finally, he leans forward, elbows on the table. "The last time I had sex was the last night we were together. At the conference."My eyebrows shoot up. "Redesigning Your Marriage conference?"He nods. "But that's before we were even divorced.""I know.""That was almost two years ago.""I know that, too."That's not the answer I expected. I thought he would have at least had a fling or two after the divorced was finalized."That doesn't mean I've been a saint, Mari." I see guilt in his eyes. It makes me sad for him, to see him disappointed in himself. I say nothing, just take small bites of my food as I wait for him to continue."It was only one time. But…

  • Goalie   Chapter 55: Mariana, Part 1

    The conversation in the laundry room is never far from my thoughts. All day long, no matter what we're doing, I keep coming back to it.He's having wet dreams.He's having wet dreams about me. I try really hard to stifle the smile that keeps trying to come out. But he would know how giddy I am if I smile that big, because no one smiles while cleaning a kitchen. Especially when you have a three-year-old who likes to paint with peanut butter on the cabinets. Yeah, Theo is proving to be a more ornery child than we first thought.But not even peanut butter paintings can spoil this mood. Santos has always made it clear that his infidelities were not because of me. It had nothing to do with my body. It had nothing to do with my personality. It was all him and his own insecurities, combined with a bunch of other things he had to learn to manage. But in the back of my mind, I've never been able to shake the question - am I enough?Finding out he's not only having sex dreams, but wet dreams a

  • Goalie   Chapter 54: Santos, Part 2

    "Mari?" I race into the room and drop down beside her. "Mari, are you okay? Are you hurt?" I look over her frantically, trying to see if she's injured."I can't believe this is happening again," she whispers."What? What's happening again?" She refuses to make eye contact with me, which causes me to panic even more."After everything we went through," she cries. "After everything we've tried to rebuild, it's happening again. I'm so stupid!" she yells and throw my shirt at me.I'm so confused. "What are you talking about? What happened?""This happened!" She grabs the shirt back out of my hands and shows me the bottom of it. It's crusty and stiff. I feel my face heat up."Um, yeah." I rub the back of my neck, embarrassed that this conversation is about to take place. "That's not what it looks like."Her eyes narrow as she glares. "I was married to you for a long time, Santos. I know what your fucking semen looks like." She shoots up off the floor and begins pacing. "Did you go to anoth

  • Goalie   Chapter 53: Santos, Part 1

    I hear her before I see her. Okay, that's not right. I hear the kids get excited as she walks through the room. She always greats them with a smile and kiss, even if her eyes are barely open. I love that about her.Stirring the scoop of hot chocolate I just dumped into her coffee, I turn around. The sight at the island makes me smile.Mari and Lina are both sitting on stools, head resting on their arms, still not quite awake. My two girls are not morning people."Coffee?" I slide it her direction, and she immediately grabs it and takes a sip."Mmm. Thank you." She sips again and shifts on her seat. "I love a man that knows how to doctor my coffee in the morning."I lean over and give her a quick kiss before pulling out the fancy waffle maker we got for Christmas."Mickey Mouse waffles?" she asks with a smile."Lina has been talking about them for days. Right, Lina?""Hrmph." I chuckle. It's the only answer we're going to get from her for at least ten more minutes. "You know tonight's

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