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19The days bledinto weeks, gradually eroding Sidney’s anxiety. Each uneventful day that passed lulled that nagging, chewing sensation at the back of her brain. Every time the morning broke and nothing happened, it became easier to inhale against the weight crushing down on her chest. Complacency unraveled over her like a familiar blanket. The sound of her attacker’s steps ripping across the gravel trail faded back into her memory to be replaced by the chorus of promotion videos on the screens at work. The footprint on her couch cushion was replaced by the curve of her constant seat as she jammed away at her laptop. She stopped dreaming of finding tiny, blue baby booties on her pillow and started dosing off as she composed new articles in her mind until the darkness swallowed her into sleep.Adam: Good morning, beautiful.The same message greeted her every morning. She fixated on the idea of meeting up with Adam again.“Divorced Wives Club tonight?” Kendra asked her as she
Last Updated : 2022-07-20Followers 20
20Just go home.They had been told to just go home. Sidney and Aiden had told the same story and answered the same questions, described their son on repeat. They had texted the most recent photos to the officers as the AMBER alerts began chirping on their phones describing their own boy. They had watched the coach, beset by officers and questions of his own. They had filled out the missing person report, tears threatening to blind Sidney as she scribbled. Now they were supposed to let them do their jobs, let them send out a BOLO and set up checkpoints, let them question the others from baseball practice. And just go home.The words had not made sense when the officer said them to Sidney and Aiden. Sidney stared at him dumbfounded, knowing he was saying words but unable to discern what they meant. They held no meaning at a time like this. They sounded like instructions to do nothing, but she could not do nothing. When she did nothing, she only inventoried all the awful things
Last Updated : 2022-07-20Followers 21
21Fear devoured thefollowing days. Long after the police questions, paranoia reached its tendrils up through Sidney’s thoughts. Exhaustion condensed her mind, reducing its capacity and allowing twisted perceptions to blossom in neglect. Everything seemed hard. Everything became a threat. “Mom,” Cameron whined, “I can’t miss practice tonight. I can’t keep missing practice.” He stomped down the hallway after her, half dressed for school.“Baby, your daddy can’t be there tonight, and I’ll be at work,” Sidney said. “You know we have to be there now, after what happened.”“You guys don’t have to be there. I’ll be fine, I promise. I’ll never go with someone again, I promise.” Cameron slammed his feet with each syllable.Sidney stopped walking. She planted her hands on her hips before turning and leveling her face with her son’s. “Baby,” she said in a heavy and slow tone, “you got taken. Someone took you. Horrible, horrible things could have happened to you.”“I know, Mommy,”
Last Updated : 2022-07-20Followers 22
22“Mom, I don’twant to change schools!” Cameron shouted deeply, projecting his voice from his belly in an attempt to sound like his father. In his rage, he nearly succeeded. Sidney leaned against the counter bordered with colorful paper pencils, massaging her forehead. She flinched at the similarity and at how his voice carried through his school office. She leaned down to shush him, quelling her desperation.“I know, Cam, baby,” Sidney said. “But it’s the only way we can be safe.”“We’re already moving! Why isn’t that enough?” Fat tears spilled from his eyes to dribble down his angry cheeks.Sidney reached out toward him, to calm him, to quiet him, to comfort him. He retreated away from her, growing in his anger and stomping hard. He pulled back until his heels butted into the thick, large wooden chest that served as the lost and found, sleeves and legs of abandoned clothes reaching out desperately for their neglectful owners.“I wish it was enough, baby.” The guilt thic
Last Updated : 2022-07-20Followers 23
23“Sidney, honey,”Brady said from across his apartment, “he’s here.”Sidney went to sit up from the couch but found herself so heavy. Her muscles trembled weakly, depleted at the thought of moving her own weight. Her head itself seemed to be packed with lead. Or that was the heaping exhaustion from not sleeping for more than an hour straight in a couple weeks.Sleep felt like betraying Kendra, but waking up felt even more sinister.Sidney heard the two sets of footsteps move toward her over the hard floors and wrenched herself upright. Adam smiled at her—gently, cautiously—as he followed Brady. Sidney’s hands swept over the face and hair she had not washed in days. Her cheeks felt tender from the endless flood of tears. She did not even know if she had brought a brush to Brady and Jordan’s apartment.“I told you I didn’t want you to come,” she said, her voice like gravel in her own mouth.“Then why did you give me the address?” Adam joked softly.“Because I knew you would
Last Updated : 2022-07-20Followers 24
24The new housewas too quiet, as if the boxes lining the room absorbed the sound and sucked up the air around Sidney. She felt like she could not breathe so alone, in such oppressive silence. Sidney stood uneasy inside the front door, shoes squeaking on the tile under her, fingers fidgeting in her keys. She did not know how to be alone in this new place, herplace. She could not stand how loud it all seemed in silence. Cameron and Savannah not giggling as they ran through the hallways chasing each other.Kendra not in the kitchen pouring a glass of wine and talking about her ex-husband.No one. Nothing. Just unfamiliar rooms filled with Sidney’s possessions hastily crammed into wilted boxes.When Brady and Jordan ran out of enthusiasm for moving furniture and even free pizza could not rekindle them, Sidney had told them she would be fine. When she kissed Adam goodbye in the departure drop-off lane at the airport, she had told him she would be fine. She was not fine. N
Last Updated : 2022-07-20Followers 25
25“Mommy!”Cameron hollered as Sidney opened the front door. “Cam, baby.” Sidney dropped to one knee so that she could swallow her son in a hug.With Cameron pressed into her chest, Sidney closed her eyes and took the first real breath she had in days. When she exhaled, her shoulders finally lowered. She melted into him, and when he went to release her, she clung to him an extra second longer. The house around them instantly felt smaller, less cavernous and vacant.“Hey, Sidney,” Aiden said as he stepped in behind Cameron.“Hi, Aiden.” Sidney finally released Cameron, her fingertips still lingering on his shoulders. “Thanks for bringing Cam over.”Aiden awkwardly stuffed his hands in his pockets and moved his eyes around the living room. “It looks good in here,” he said. “You’ve already unpacked a lot.”“I couldn’t really sleep.”Aiden nodded but did not step further into the house.“Cam, buddy, I’m going to put your bag right here,” Aiden leaned the backpack against th
Last Updated : 2022-07-20Followers 26
26The trail grewdarker as Sidney ran across the dirt in a panic. She craned her neck to glare at the creek behind her. When she turned back, the night blotted out the light to consume her. The nightmare became only the sound of her crunching footfalls. She sprinted blindly into the black. Then the streetlight appeared. She leaped toward the light, and when her foot landed in the circle of illumination, the ground went liquid beneath her. Her shoe vanished beneath the gravel like quicksand. Before she could stop it, her other foot followed. The ground swallowed her feet, slurping greedily to her waist. She could not move her legs or fight against the pressure crushing her beneath the surface. She screamed and howled into the empty night, clawing desperately at the dirt as it climbed her body. As the edge reached her chest, something crashed down on top of her, pushing her deeper into her struggle.Kendra’s limp and lifeless corpse landed on her head, blocking out the streetli
Last Updated : 2022-07-20
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32Nine Months Later“Hey Mom, you know what I decided?” Cameron said, walking into the kitchen. “What’s that, buddy?” Sidney replied, digging popcorn out of the pantry.“Next time, I want a Black Panther room.”“Didn’t you just get a Spider-Man room? Don’t you still love Spider-Man?” Sidney planted a hand on her hip as she turned to him.“Black Panther is pretty awesome,” Adam said, following Cameron into the kitchen. “But it is hard to choose between him and Spider-Man. If you did an Avengers room, you could augment the Spider-Man you already have with Black Panther. And Captain America. And the Hulk.”“Yeah!” Cameron jumped.“Don’t encourage him,” Sidney laughed. “You’re new here. You don’t get a say.”“He’s here until Sunday,” Cameron countered. “I think he can have a say.”“Only because he’s saying what you want.”“Can we watch a horror movie tonight, Mom?”Sidney hesitated for a moment. Her hand hovering with the folded popcorn bag between her fingertips. Adam looked
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31Two months later, on the other side of the new year, Carla and Amy laughed together from Sidney’s freshly-shampooed couch, perched atop her freshly shampooed carpet. Sidney sat in the chair beside them, clutching her wine glass, trying not to see the ghosts of Oliver and herself beside them. Her brain cells were not nearly as clean as the floor and furniture in front of her. Carla leaned forward, swirling the remaining crimson liquid in the bell of her glass. The red in her glass matched the red on her lips matched the red of her snug and low-cut top. Her giggles lingered in a smile on her lips. She looked to Amy then across to Sidney before raising her glass.“Last drink of the night, ladies,” she said, the wine curling at the end of her words. “And it’s to Kendra.”Tears rushed to Sidney’s eyes at hearing Kendra’s name, at seeing three glasses converge when it should have been four, but she smiled through it as she brought her hand forward.“To Kendra,” Sidney echoed.“And
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30“Holy shit, my girl nearly beat her stalker to death!” Brady exclaimed. He bounced excitedly across the pavement, escorting Sidney down the street from the police station. Sidney chuckled to herself and picked at the clothes that were not hers, a strange folded stack the officer provided when collecting her clothing as evidence. The cloth rubbed against her skin in unfamiliar patterns, draped from her shoulders in foreign angles.“Brady, stop,” Jordan scolded from Sidney’s other side. “This is not something to celebrate.”“Fuck you, it’s not! Some asshole from the internet stalks our girl, attacks our girl, takes her kid, kills Kendra, then comes for our girl. Then our girl almost kills this fucker!” Brady refused to contain his vibrating blend of glee and pride.“Almost,” Sidney echoed, not sure if she was smiling or grimacing.“I can’t believe you managed to stop yourself, Sid,” Brady continued, breathless. “I don’t think I could have after Kendra.”“I didn’t,” Sidney said
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29Sidney took adeep breath as she sank into the couch cushion in her basement. The house around her remained unfamiliar and hollow, yet she felt different in it now. Her mind clung to its reinvention, and she finally inhabited her new space. The nervous flinch threatened at the base of her spine, coiling then relenting enough for her to breathe, for her to simply be. She closed her eyes and took yogic breaths then opened them gently, looking around the room to remind herself how normal it was. The customary popcorn and beer perched on the table between her and the television. Her laptop glowed from the cushion beside her, cursor blinking anticipant of her words. She held the remote as her thumb traced the Play button, watching the sweat trickle down the side of the beer bottle. It all looked the same, but something felt off.“You’re being ridiculous,” she said to herself. “It’s just a movie. Movies didn’t get you into this. It is for the 12 Slays of Christmas; you are watchi
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28“Don’t say it,” Sidney mumbled as she approached Brady. She could already see the sympathetic, assessing look in his eye as he tipped his thin-rimmed sunglasses. He leaned his yoga mat against the glass windows of the studio and snatched her into a hug. She clutched him tightly for a moment then stepped back.“Say what?” he asked, innocently.“That I look like hell.”“Oh honey, you already know.” He smiled playfully. “And it doesn’t matter. It only matters if you’re OK, and I’m glad you came out this morning. Have you left the house since it happened?”Sidney shook her head. “I haven’t been able to. The store is still closed. Cameron is still with Aiden. I’m not really eating. So there hasn’t been a reason to.”“Well, you have a reason today.” Brady stooped to gather his yoga mat onto his hip. “We are going to breathe through all this bullshit and find your center.”“What if there is nothing good at my center?” Sidney said before catching the words on her tongue.Brady tur
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27Sidney staggered downthe concrete steps, clutching the metal railing. The interior of the police station had become too familiar, haunting her dreams after all these successive visits. It felt like she had never left after Kendra’s death, and even as she stumbled out now, part of her lingered back in the drab room where she was questioned. Her face hurt. Her cheeks stretched taut over the swelling. Her eyelids were puffy, cumbersome when she blinked. Her eyeballs themselves felt raw and exhausted, the same as every cell in her body. Her skeleton was heavy to move, like it would be better placed somewhere dark and final.Her mind did not form thoughts. It could not. The echoes of the police inquiries orbited around Seth’s slumped body in the backroom of the store. The lines of questions reached back and arched into concentric circles, running laps around all the terrible things that had happened. All the events at which she had been the center. Why had she been in the middl
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26The trail grewdarker as Sidney ran across the dirt in a panic. She craned her neck to glare at the creek behind her. When she turned back, the night blotted out the light to consume her. The nightmare became only the sound of her crunching footfalls. She sprinted blindly into the black. Then the streetlight appeared. She leaped toward the light, and when her foot landed in the circle of illumination, the ground went liquid beneath her. Her shoe vanished beneath the gravel like quicksand. Before she could stop it, her other foot followed. The ground swallowed her feet, slurping greedily to her waist. She could not move her legs or fight against the pressure crushing her beneath the surface. She screamed and howled into the empty night, clawing desperately at the dirt as it climbed her body. As the edge reached her chest, something crashed down on top of her, pushing her deeper into her struggle.Kendra’s limp and lifeless corpse landed on her head, blocking out the streetli
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25“Mommy!”Cameron hollered as Sidney opened the front door. “Cam, baby.” Sidney dropped to one knee so that she could swallow her son in a hug.With Cameron pressed into her chest, Sidney closed her eyes and took the first real breath she had in days. When she exhaled, her shoulders finally lowered. She melted into him, and when he went to release her, she clung to him an extra second longer. The house around them instantly felt smaller, less cavernous and vacant.“Hey, Sidney,” Aiden said as he stepped in behind Cameron.“Hi, Aiden.” Sidney finally released Cameron, her fingertips still lingering on his shoulders. “Thanks for bringing Cam over.”Aiden awkwardly stuffed his hands in his pockets and moved his eyes around the living room. “It looks good in here,” he said. “You’ve already unpacked a lot.”“I couldn’t really sleep.”Aiden nodded but did not step further into the house.“Cam, buddy, I’m going to put your bag right here,” Aiden leaned the backpack against th
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24The new housewas too quiet, as if the boxes lining the room absorbed the sound and sucked up the air around Sidney. She felt like she could not breathe so alone, in such oppressive silence. Sidney stood uneasy inside the front door, shoes squeaking on the tile under her, fingers fidgeting in her keys. She did not know how to be alone in this new place, herplace. She could not stand how loud it all seemed in silence. Cameron and Savannah not giggling as they ran through the hallways chasing each other.Kendra not in the kitchen pouring a glass of wine and talking about her ex-husband.No one. Nothing. Just unfamiliar rooms filled with Sidney’s possessions hastily crammed into wilted boxes.When Brady and Jordan ran out of enthusiasm for moving furniture and even free pizza could not rekindle them, Sidney had told them she would be fine. When she kissed Adam goodbye in the departure drop-off lane at the airport, she had told him she would be fine. She was not fine. N
