X: Baby Steps

"So how was the therapy?" Aslan asked, folding the sleeves of his shirt.

"It went well nothing new," she shrugged scrolling through her twitter feed.

Aslan sighed, sitting at the edge of the bed. He had been trying to get her to open up since she came back from visiting the therapist, but all he got were vague answers.

"So when did you...umm...learn..." he stuttered, trying to find the right words to say. He couldn't think of any word to use, lest he offends her.

"That I was crazy?" she chuckled, locking her phone and facing him.

"You aren't crazy," he frowned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You're schizoid and schizoid people are not crazy. Though temperamental at times but definitely not crazy."

"Did you somehow earn a degree in psychology overnight?" she teased, throwing her feet off the bed. "You seem to know a lot about my disorder than I do, Dr Aslan."

"I did some research," he replied with a lopsided smile. "I wanted to get as much information as I could about it so that I can help you."

"There we go again. I don't need your help. I'm not a charity case," she threw her hands up in the air.

"I never said you were," he defended.

"Well then stop trying to fix me!" she snapped. "I can't be fixed okay? I'm depressed and lonely and sad and bored. I'm dead inside, I have no feelings. I feel like a robot."

"I'm..."

"Don't," she shook her head. "Can you leave me alone please?"

He wanted to object but hearing the plea in her voice, he consented and walked out of the room dejected.

She felt like going after him and apologize for snapping at him, but she couldn't bring herself to move from her spot. She was so messed up, and she didn't deserve his help, he was too good for her even as a friend.

The night before she had wrecked his room and he wasn't angry at her, instead he was concerned about her health. He even cleaned up her wounds and made an appointment for her to see a therapist.

She hated her therapy sessions, they were always futile and unproductive; that's why she put a stop to it. She thought the anxiety pills would help her case and for a while, they made her feel better but now, she wasn't so sure. She hated the antidepressants also, the first time she took them she almost committed suicide. She had flushed them away the moment she got a hold of herself and had never taken them since then.

She was grateful for Aslan's persistence on taking care of her, but she wanted him to understand that she was a lost cause and not worth the effort.

{••}

"You need to stop blaming your condition for everything Najmah," Hanifa chided, feeling sympathy towards her sister in law and best friend.

"Yaa Hanifa I...I...wrecked his room, I broke his mirror and...I'm a lost cause. I wish he'd understand that and let me be."

"Najmah stop it!" Hanifa snapped, feeling like reaching her hand out and smacking her through the screen. "Stop beating yourself up for something you had no control over. He understood you and was willing to help you despite all that besides I think he might l..."

"Don't say the l word," Najmah groaned, face palming herself. "I assure you nothing of that sort is going on between us. Aslan is too..."

"Too what?" Hanifa quirked her eyebrow, mischief gleaming in her dark orbs.

"We are so different, let's not forget about my mental health. He's like fire, and I'm ice, he's kind and loving, I'm rude and have no feelings. We're so different on every scale."

"Have you forgotten about the old saying? Opposites attract."

"Oh please," she scoffed. "You should know better than to believe that adage. Complete opposites would be the doom of each other."

"Maybe you aren't complete opposites. You both can make it work."

"It's not gonna work out. There's no chemistry or attraction between us, we're just friends."

"Married couples aren't just friends, how stupid are the both of you? You are married for God's sake!" Hanifa yelled, shocked at how the both of them were toying with their marriage.

"Arranged. Besides three months from now, we'll be free of each other."

"Whatever do you mean by that?" Hanifa gasped.

"We are gonna separate three months from now, we'll go on our separate ways," she replied nonchalantly, unfazed by Hanifa's obvious outrage.

"Are you that stupid Najmah? You want to annul your marriage after what? Four months of marriage? You want to become a divorcee?"

"It's not like that Adda, you won't understand."

"Of course I won't understand. I know that you have issues and all but is that a reason for you to throw away your life in the drain like that? Najmah, marriage isn't something to joke with. What would you tell Ummita and Abba then huh? That you got divorced because of some stupid reasons? I hope three months from now you'll not make a mistake based on your stupid excuses."

Hanifa′s words hung in the air and minutes after the screen went blank, Najmah deliberated over what she had said. She knew that annulment was a cowardly way out and frowned upon by the Almighty but what other option did she have? It'd be unfair on her part to stay in his life, she had a mental disorder. She wasn’t healthy, she was prone to aggression, apathy, depression, anxiety and seclusion. If she stayed with him, she could rob him of so many things.

Aslan had come into the room to pick up a file he had left when he overheard her conversation with Hanifa. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop but curiosity got the best of him so tiptoed towards the balcony. His heart sank when he heard how she described their relationship and how adamant she was on not making it work.

He felt sympathetic towards her on how little she thought of herself and right there, he made a vow to change her perception on herself even if he was going to lose her three months from then. He quietly picked his file and went out of the room with a new found determination.

She sighed heavily, knowing that three months from then her decision would still remain unchanged. There was no future between her and Aslan and besides he couldn't have feelings for a vile person like her. What he felt for her was pity and pity was not a sign for the dreaded l word.

{••}

"No, no,no," she shook her head. "I said turquoise blue not sky blue. Are you that colour blind to actually not know the difference?"

"I'm sorry ma'am I'll go change the colour," the delivery man scurried out of her office.

"Why isn't everything going as planned?" Lale groaned pacing the length of her office.

She picked up her phone and dialed Asil, tapping her finger on the desk impatiently. The call went to voicemail again. It was all his fault, her studio wasn't ready, and she had orders to make. Ever since the fashion night, orders had been blowing up, and she hadn't even started working on them.

The deadline was near, and she had nothing to work with. If Asil had come and finished his job, she would've had a working space. Her office wasn't spacious enough for her to work in and she couldn't take her work home because she had demolished her home studio. It was a wrong call on her part, she should've waited till she got the other studio before destroying the other one.

She had no idea why Aslan insisted on letting Asil take up the project, he was tardy and irresponsible. How could he lead an empire such as Kartal Industries with such attitude?

"Sorry I'm late," Asil pushed open the door of her office and got in. "I was caught up with something."

"Highly irresponsible," she muttered, staring him down.

"Please Lale not today, I'm not in the mood. Can we begin now?" he pushed his hand through his disheveled hair.

"Fine," she huffed.

He placed his MacBook Pro on the table and some of the magazines he brought with him, turning the screen towards her so she could select from the designs he had.

"Shall we?" he gestured at the stuff laid out before her.

"Let me show you around the building then we can discuss the details of the designs later," she responded, switching into business mode.

He nodded gruffly while she picked the MacBook and went out, Asil trailing behind her.

"This should be my workroom," she opened a door and went into a huge room. "I want the paint in cream and gold, with a little speck of red in it."

"Noted."

"This is the showroom," she walked into another room. "It should be done in something vibrant, something that'd make people feel at ease and happy."

He raised an eyebrow at that but wrote it down anyway. He knew better than to object, it would only cause another round of bickering, and he wasn't in the mood for that.

They toured the whole building with Lale choosing the paint color she wanted for every room. They went back to her office, and she chose the designs she wanted after scrolling through the MacBook during their tour.

Asil left the building after promising to come back the next day with his team to start working on the designs.

Lale sat down on a chair and started sketching the ideas she had for an evening dress.

{••}

"I found these self-help pamphlets on my way back home and thought I should get them for you, perhaps they might be helpful," he presented her with pamphlets that talked about coping with SPD and depression.

She scoffed then stared at the front pages of the pamphlets lined out before her. Why couldn't he understand her?

"I don't want to cope with it, I want it to go away."

"Why are you so stubborn?" he groaned, burying his face in his palms. "What more do you want me to do?"

"I..." she clamped her mouth shut then pushed away the pamphlets away from her. She stared at everywhere around the room but him.

"It can't just go away Najmah," his voice softened up. "You also need to contribute to making it go away, hence your therapy."

"Don't you think I've tried? I've gone through rigorous therapy sessions but none of it was effective. I read multiple articles on coping with my ailment but nothing worked. Do you understand me, Aslan? Nothing worked!" she yelled, swinging her legs off the bed.

"It would've worked if you followed the right steps. You keep on blaming your condition for everything that's happening to you. I've come to realize that your condition isn't the problem, but you are."

"You know nothing, Aslan Faik Sadek," she gritted her teeth. "So don't start assuming things just because you think you know."

"Why don't you tell me then?Hmm? Let me in so that I can help you. I'm here for you okay? Just tell me what is wrong so I can fix it. I genuinely want to help you Najmah, to see you better but I can't do that if you don't accept the help I'm offering you."

She stared at the wall unblinkingly, shutting him and the world out. She wanted to shout and tell him that he was wrong, that she wanted him to help her, but she'd lost her voice. Shutting the world out was the best at the moment.

When Aslan realised that she wasn't going to talk, he went out of the room with slumped shoulders. How he wished she could just open up to him and tell him what was wrong. He raked his hand through his hair, wondering why he suddenly cared about helping her. If she didn't want help, then he was going to let her be.

Hours later when he went back to the room, he found her seated by the balcony too lost in her own bubble; totally oblivious to the world around her. There and then, he promised to help her whether she accepted his help or not. He knew what depression could do, after all, it was the reason why he did the things he wasn't proud of and was trying so hard to make up for.

Slow and steady wins the race.

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