03 — Dumping you

In the end, Julian did give me the day off. It was clear that I didn't have the strength in my body to face workday with such a hangover and sadness surrounding me. And when the hot water fell on my body, I cried like a child who has lost something that can never be replaced.

Honestly, I don't understand why I did it.

Maybe my tears were because I was angry at myself for wasting so much time. The wedding was supposed to be a significant thing for him and his family, especially his mom… so I was willing to wait. But it’s turns out that it only mattered that I was pure — even if I had hard times controlling the heat that often attacked my body.

And I don't know how long stayed in the shower, letting the water mix with my tears… But after the shower, I laid down on the bed that didn't look comfortable as Julian's. Perhaps I fallen asleep, I'm not sure… Eventually, I noticed that my eyes were snapping towards the ceiling and that the birds were singing excitedly outside.

At least someone needs to be happy today.

I hear the phone ring and reach out for it, seeing, on the screen, that there’s dozens of missed calls and many other messages. Inevitably, my stomach twist as I see the nickname in Eric’s contact — My love.

Opening the contacts, the first thing I do is change the name to CHEATER… It suits Eric much better.

But my peace doesn't last long because soon a new message from the CHEATER appears on my phone and, when I open it, notice that he’s been calling me for the entire night, sending messages at very short intervals.

[Please pick up…] it was repeated at least twelve times.

[I love you...] I could see… at least fifteen times.

But the record is, undoubtedly — [I am sorry].

I know he doesn't feel sorry, not really. If Eric is sorry about something, it's because he's been caught. There's no way that someone who claims to love me sleep with someone else… let alone my best friend…. Who, by the way, also left some messages, but I won't bother to look.

Suddenly, my phone starts to ring. I watch as the call persists, until it naturally hangs up.

And a new message from him pops up on my cell phone, [Could we talk?]

Well, it’s better… so we can end this once and for all.

My fingers are steady as I type, [Meet me in the coffee shop at seven].

There are still a few hours until our meeting, so I toss my phone aside with dry eyes. Somehow, my chest is calm, and I no longer feel like crying.

There are no more tears to be shed for him.

The coffee shop is quiet, maybe because it will close soon.

I chose this place because there's a certain comfort in being here. Many times, during college, we would come after a very difficult exam, or simply because we wanted to stay close. Now that those hectic times are over, we have drifted apart as well.

Even though the beginning was not that way, I did love Eric. On the beginning, I accept his proposal to run away from my feelings… to deny something that was inside me — but I did learn to love him.

Now that we're sitting facing each other, separated by a small wooden table, beside a vast window that shows the busy street of New York, I feel that, perhaps, I didn't love him enough. After all, my chest is so at peace right now.

I should be in tears at that moment, right?

Yet, I feel absolutely nothing… apart from a bubbling anger.

“Angel…” Eric's voice is meek, and I can see the fear in his expression; his lips are curved downward, and his eyes are slightly reddened. Perhaps he has been crying. “Why have you been ignoring me like that…?”

“Why?” I interrupt him harshly, “You betrayed me, Eric. You cheated on me with my best friend.”

“I can explain, it's not like that-”

“Let me guess, you accidentally got naked, and she accidentally rides on you?” I frown when find him evidently embarrassed.

Eric shifts uncomfortably in his chair, bringing his hand up to the back of his head.

“I know I made a mistake, Angel, but believe me… there's nothing between me and Laura…”

“Except that you fucked her.” I cut him off again, feeling my blood boil even more.

“It was only sex… I'm a man, Angel. I have desires, it's natural…”

I scoff, crossing my arms and averting my eyes — really, I can't believe what I'm hearing.

“You're the one I love, you know that.”

“Oh?” I turn my eyes back to him, so sharp they could cut. “What I know is that I keep my virginity for you while you were cheating on me. Four years, Eric!”

“Dear, you know how important this is to my family… I love you so much, and I want us to have our first time when we're married-”

“That's bullshit.” I point my finger at him, “You don't make sense.”

“Look, it's like when you leave your favorite food to eat at the end…”

“Did you really compare me to a damn food?” I slam my hand on the table, drawing attention and curious eyes to our conversation.

“Angel, honey, don't be like this, that's not what I meant. I just… want you to understand that I want to preserve you… I didn't want to ruin what's between us…”

“So, because you can't keep in your pants, you chose to cheat on me, rather than do what is expected — like sleep with your girlfriend?” I shake my head, “I respected you. I waited for you because I thought virginity was something important to you-”

“Virginity is something important to me, honey…”

“Mine. My virginity is important to you. It should be ours! We should lose it together, on our honeymoon! That's what I expected when you said that your family wants to wait!”

I feel tears return to my eyes and a lump settle in my throat. I'm stressed and angry… I can even feel the muscles in my shoulders tensing.

“You're so precious to me, my angel, believe me….”

That's enough. I can't stand to hear his voice anymore.

I stand up, watching as his eyes widen and become desperate. He tries to take my hand, but I pull it away… And I know my eyes are cold, that he's not recognizing me at this moment… After all, just to please him all this time, I pretended to be someone I'm not.

For him, I held myself — and I'm tired of doing that.

Now, I'll do whatever I want.

“You don't have to worry about that anymore, Eric. From this moment on, there's not the slightest possibility of you touching me, now or in the future.”

“Angel-”

“And if you don't understand what I mean, it's that I'm dumping your ass, Eric.” I give a sweet smile, “I'm dumping your fucking ass.”

Before he can stop me, I quickly leave the coffee shop and, thank heavens, manage to get into a cab before he can catch me up. And as the driver goes to the address I gave him, by the streets of New York City, I listen to the song playing on the radio, enjoying the irony of the lyrics, which talk precisely about breakups.

My chest feels lighter, but anger still bubbles up inside my veins.

All I want is to get rid of this burden — to be free, to be myself.

And before I know it, I'm already in front of my building… In the elevator.

The number 12 flashes on the display, and the metal doors finally open. There are only two apartment blocks, Julian’s, and mine. The hall connecting our doors suddenly seems smaller and empty, as if there's no furniture, although the couches and everything is in its place.

I take a deep breath, filling my lungs to the peak.

And I swear I can smell Julian's scent… The smell that I felt impregnated into the skin of his neck. Just remembering makes a shiver goes up my spine.

Can I really do whatever I want?

“Hah, Eric… For four years, you made me keep my virginity…. Because you wanted to marry a virgin, you made me be pure…. And yet, you cheated on me all this time?” I mutter to myself, staring at Julian's door. “Looks like your angel is starting to fall.”

My legs seem to take on a life of their own because instead of going to the door of my apartment, they go to Julian’s — and my hands also act on their own by pressing the doorbell.

It doesn't take long before the door opens, revealing that incredibly beautiful face and wet blond hair… Once again, his scent now really envelops me.

“Angelee?” He looks at me confused.

But I just open my lips, saying slowly… “Julian, I want you to fuck me.”