CHAP 3

It's been a month since I came back. I don't know if I can called it freedom— I can leave the house ,but his staff always following me.

Like before, he often brought a woman home and moaned incessantly as if no one else could hear, then he would go to my room to hurt me afterwards.

I am not numb, it hurts, it fvcking hurts physically and mentally but what can I do?

Nothing ..

I could do nothing but stay with him because of our son. I don't have anyone in my life. My parents are dead and all the property they left me as well as the company is managed by Bjorn. I don't have any fvcking knowledge how to run a company so I gave him the company before we got married. I guess I'm regretting it now although the company's doing good.

Love?

I don't know if it's still there but I'm still hoping that one day we can still fix this mess for the sake of our son.

Rafael ..

Thinking of our son makes me sad and happy at the same time.

What does he look like?

Is he living well?

Is he healthy?

Is he being taken care of properly?

Does he know me?

I smiled bitterly and rode the taxi I called. I just finished meeting Ayesha, my friend. That's my so-called breathing in my life right now.

They don't know anything about me except my name, work, etc. Yet they manage to trust me without doubting nor asking.

"Manzato Mall, Sir," I said politely.

The stock I bought last week was lacking already so I need to buy again. I spend my own money from my job.

Ever since I gave birth, I have been the one buying my necessities. All the inheritance and income in the company goes to Bjorn, again I can't complain because he had our child plus the fact that I'm trying to fix us, our marriage.

Somehow, I know he won't hurt Rafael that's why I have the strength to left four years ago to breath, but I still don't want to set him into his limits. That's why I avoided everything he didn't want.

A few minutes later I arrived at my destination. I paid the driver and get out in his car.

I entered the mall and started shopping, then I went to the market section.

I was busy putting the cans I wanted when someone was sneezing behind me. I looked at it slowly and that's how I quickly cooled my face.

She smirked and checked me from head to toe.

"I didn't know you're back," traces the sarcasm in her tone as she stood in front of her cart and crossed her arms.

"No one informed me that you should know," I fired back still using my cold tone.

She fakely formed an O from her mouth and act badly hurt while holding her chest.

I couldn't stop but roll my eyes at her.

Why did I not notice the acting skill of this villain before?

"Is that how you should treat your best friend, Azaia?" a mixture of her sarcastic and deceptive tone.

I smirked and hold my cart.

"You should ask yourself that, Safey. Was that how you should treat your best friend?" like what she did, I also put the sarcastic tone on my last word though I can feel the bitterness in it.

She fakely laughed. "Aww. You're holding a grudge now?"

Why am I talking to this bitch seriously?

For the I-don't-know-how-many-times I did it, I rolled my eyes again and took a step away from her. I stop from walking when she spoke again.

"Oh! Of course. Tell Bjorn I'll come to his office and ride his cock again. My ghosh! Your husband was really delicious, besty. Well your son is also handsome too, wait, is he Bjorn's child anyway?" she said and giggled as I felt her walking away.

I fisted my hands and tried to calm myself but it didn't work.

I'm having my panic attacks.

My chest began to tighten with the trembling of my hand.

' Don't think too much Azaia. Don't mind what she said.'

Being not on myself  I accidentally collided with someone's cart.

"S-sorry" I tried to focus on what I bumped into.

I was still a little surprised despite what was happening to me when I saw it.

The mute guy.

He's seriously looking at me like he's examining something on me. I broke my stare on him and started to pass him when my eyes hit Mang Ramir.

Even though it was difficult in my state, I tried to line up at the counter to vouch my purchases. Unfortunately, I was still fifth in line.

I'm focusing on my breathing when a lady approached me.

"Maam, you can go there," she smiled and politely said while pointing at an empty counter.

Surprisingly, I just followed because I also wanted to go home. I start drowning myself in my own thoughts and what ifs.

As the cashier started vouching what's inside my cart, I slowly shut my eyes and breathe hardly.

 ' Calm down Azaia, calm down.' 

Happy thoughts..Happy thoughts ..

But all of Bjorn's beatings went through my mind.

'Happy memories..Fvckin happy memories please ..' 

And I thought of my son who did not even have any memories of me other than the nine months I was pregnant with him.

I was about to broke down when a loud music echoed in the mall.

It's a Christmas song ..

Everyone in the mall was stunned to see the speakers. Who would not be surprised, it's just March in this month.

Jingle bells Jingle bells

Jingle all the way ..

In a blink, Ayesha and Cassandra crept into my mind together with their child when we're celebrating Christmas happily for the past four years in America.

Slowly, I my hands stop trembling. I continued to reflect on our happy time in America until my breathing finally settled.

I tried my best to divert my thoughts and luckily with the help of the music I did it.

Thank you lord.

The house was quiet when I got home.

It looks like the Lord is giving me a break now. Maybe Bjorn is busy in the office so he is still not there even though he was out earlier.

I remember what Safey said earlier at the mall.

I smiled bitterly.

She maybe riding him now.

I just took a deep breath and removed it from my mind because it might only deepen where my thoughts are going. 

I arranged my groceries,  then boiled water for the cup noodles and eat. I felt so tired today so I lost the appetite to cook.

While waiting for my boiling water, the man I saw earlier suddenly entered my mind.

He's still good looking.

I do not know why when we once met, I felt safe for a moment. Even though there was a denial, the calmness of my system in him was not erased.

Is it normal to feel this way to a stranger?

I just shrugged it off and turned off my boiler before pouring water into the cup noodles.

Maybe because he's also battling with his flaws so I'm comfortable in his presence.

I ate my food before going up to my room and getting dressed. I prayed before going to bed and tried to fall asleep which I immediately did too.

It's already past 2am when I woke up. Staring at the ceiling, my thoughts starting to disturb me again.

The betrayal of my best friend.

My ruthless husband.

My son.

And for the nth time, I'm found myself slitting my wrist again.

Can somebody help me?

Can someone free me from the hell that I'm staying?

Save me please ..

I'm really tired of living ..

Lord .. Until when should I pay for my mistake?

Lord, please let me rest.

Lord, I can't handle anymore ..

Please… free me from all the pain.