OUT OF CONTROL

"You want me to sleep with you don't you?" I asked and the first tear rolled down my cheek.

"I see you are blunt. So what do you say?" My Yaser said with a smirk.

"You have a daughter right, she's um? Twenty two?" I said as I got closer to him and locked eyes with him;

"Go sleep with her" I spat. I didn't wait to see his facial expression before I began to walked from him - towards the apartment so I could pick up my things.

It was official. I was homeless. Now, Desperate times called for desperate measures and I was about to do something that would change everything completely.

No matter what it took.

___________

I sucked in a deep breath as I picked up my things, I had a lot of stuff so I decided that I would sell some of them off if push comes to shove. I was never selling myself to a man. It was for that reason I hated my mother.

Sometimes I try to put myself in the woman's place, yeah I get that she was confused when she gave birth to a child at age sixteen and she probably had no idea what to do but – there had to be a better choice than prostitution.

C'mon. the worst part is that as time went by - she enjoyed and she stopped doing it to put food on our table and it was more like she was doing it for the fun of it, I was no longer her priority. The men that came home – to our small apartment late at night were.

I could never forget the sounds and shadows I saw at night – whenever they were around.

They came home with her at night, and they were never there the next morning. Each day it was with someone else and I thought that – that it was normal you know – that – that was how it was in every home. It wasn't though. Not every mom changed men like they changed underwear.

They came in two's sometimes and somedays I could faintly hear her say no over the noise. I cried a lot. I wished I could help her you know? I wished I could have done something – I wish she didn't give birth to me, Who knows? Maybe she could have gotten a better life.

She could have um, finished Highschool, gotten a degree, you know... gotten married to some fancy engineer like she usually fantasized about.. I ruined that. Just by existing.

Now I was going to ruin someone else's life, is it wrong for me to ask you to wish me luck, huh?.

When Derek came into our lives a lot of things changed. My mom stopped um, prostituting herself. Derek was an accountant, he worked as the managing director of um, some, marketing company, I can't remember the name, it was too difficult to pronounce.

Derek and my mom met at a bar, my mom was to host a lap dance but they bumped into each other few moments before and he proposed something to her.

The big deal was, Derek's parents were filthy rich and they were coming to los Angeles for a week, the problem was Derek had been lying to them about having a fiance and they wanted to meet her.

Of course as you must have imagined, instead of opening up and telling them the truth he did what any other person would have done. Well, I would have – He hired my mom to pretend to be his girlfriend for a week and let's just say stuff happened from there.

I could literally imagine the look on my face when I got back from school one day and I saw this guy talking to my mom at the dining in the afternoon.

You know, I was used to everything, seeing men come in at night and then realizing that they were gone in the morning but never ever had I seen my mom have a conversation with any man in my home in the afternoon. It was an unsaid rule for my comfort. I told her that I couldn't change her, it was alright okay, no arguments but she was just not allowed to rub them in my face – that was not okay.

I could recall how I had gone off into flames of yelling and screaming and my mom tried to calm me down and explain but my sixteen year old hormonal self, felt betrayed in every language, I had almost had it when Derek touched me. He touched me. I surprised myself when I didn't go berserk and just went silent. I have had men touch when my mom brought their drunk butts home.

I knew how had they looked at me, with desire and so much lust. Derek didn't look at me like that. He wasn't trying to gawk or stare me down. He was just genuinely trying to gain my attention.

I stopped my rant and went to our garden and cried. I'd heard kids talk about their parents and their Dad's. I didn't understand how that felt, what it meant to have a father because well, I never had one and my mom didn't exactly portray men as the sweetest creatures.

I didn't know how to feel when he touched me. I wanted him to hold me though, so I could feel safe, even if he was a stranger, even if he was a man. My sixteen year old self was just sick and tired of being exposed and prone to everything.

Maybe it was my vulnerable that brought us close later on. Who cares. Six years later he died. He had cancer. The only dad I got to know. Died. My mom? Well, She moved on quickly. She actually had a lover all along and he kicked me out of the house.

"Awwn, look who got kicked out" I heard a familiar voice snort. I sighed and looked up.

"I see you didn't take my advice" I spat.

Emiliana scoffed and glared at me "maybe you should take your advice."

"Maybe you should mind your business" I gritted out as I grabbed my stuff, which consisted of a huge back pack, my travel bag, a small bag and the box from the office.

"Come here! I am still talking to you brat!" Emiliana yelled and lunged at me, we both fell to the ground and in the moment, I didn't care that I was rolling in the ground, the only thing I cared about was that the photo was broken, the only photo I had of my dad. The glass on it had shattered into the peace and um, the frame was peaking out of the small bag. I glared at Emiliana and stood up at the same time with her.

Someone better hold me.

'Cause imma kill someone's child today.