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Thirty Six
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2020-12-15 22:16:54v e r n o n
“Do you still like me?” Her question rang in my ears.
I swallowed a bitter bile in my throat. How ironic is that, to ask me as if I’ve ever stopped. As I ever could.
“No.” I said, staying eye to eye with the ceiling. My voice, deep and tremulous, almost revealed the unconcealable truth.
No. I no longer like her. Like is too shallow a word compared to what I behold for her.
“Oh, okay.” Catherine uttered too softly, unconcerned but almost dismayed.
I took a sharp inhale. My chest’s a thousand-pound heavy. The atmosphere around is blanketed in intensity that I couldn’t gather my wits. Maybe it’s the sanguine luminescence in the red-dimmed room that is intended to be lusty but instead is waking all of my caged feelings for her. Red with her is not the color of lust nor danger or heat but of intense passion, and god knows how
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Euphoria Thirty Seven
v e r n o nWinter vacation in 11th grade, a common friend of mine, Junhoe, hosted a house party. The usual hype and chaos blared in his living room, his random guests were flooding in as the night loomed. It was cold and there was a warning of storm but it did not stop everyone’s thirst for booze, and perhaps some make out session. It’s the first day of vacation which explains everyone’s interest for a last get together.Junhoe was a senior who’s currently in 12th grade. He used to be Mark’s batch mate but since the former enjoyed being in 11th grade too much, he did not accelerate as him. It was also through Mark that we became friends.In his dimmed living room that was illumined by some Christmas lights, I stumbled upon Junhoe, automatically exchanging a fist bump.“Hey! Glad you’re here, Vernon. Beer?” He grabbed one from a nearby bucket which
Last Updated : 2020-12-16Euphoria Thirty Eight
c a t h e r i n eThe waiting shed was getting lonesome by the second.From the subway station, I walked my way to the nearby bus stop that leads to Jackson’s neighborhood. He said he’d pick me up here. But time is running fast, and the 5’o clock sun is vanishing, and a few people had passed by me; a few had left the waiting shed too, and now it’s all me—my patience getting smaller and my mind that’s beginning to wander in dangerous solace.From the bus that had stopped and left a new batch of strangers before my eyes, from the distant Daegu sun dying behind the mediocre establishments and the polluted city air passing with time, my eyes saw Vernon—and how he appeared earlier as he left me in the subway station.I couldn’t help but wonder what he meant by his words, under the spring trees before, his gaze of autumn held within them distant melanc
Last Updated : 2020-12-17Euphoria Thirty Nine
c a t h e r i n eI woke up from my trance when my phone rang. The memories of an unforgettable past dissipated in the air as I reached for my phone.“Lisa?” I answered.“Hey, where are you?” Lisa’s cheery tone competed with a noisy background.I didn’t get to reply immediately. It almost slipped my mouth that I was meeting with Jackson. I nearly forgot that they did not know about him.“We’re going to a karaoke bar. Come join us. You haven’t gone home, have you?”Pinching my temples, I shut my eyes tight. This is probably the third time this week that I am refusing to hang out with them.“I’m sorry, I went to my academy. I have a class today.”As always, I used the excuse of going to my cram school. I was enrolled in those supplementary classes before but I have stopped going for a year now. Most
Last Updated : 2020-12-18Euphoria Forty
Vernon“You really don’t remember the girl?”Mingyu exaggeratedly combed his hair. With a fed-up look on his face, he glanced at me.“I told you a hundred times. Which part of “I don’t remember” you did not understand?”I sighed and closed my locker door. I leaned on it instead as I watched Mingyu frantically unload his things. There is a drug inspection to be held next month and just in case there is a random inspection anytime soon that isn’t announced, we wiped our lockers clean for safety measures.“You sure there’s nothing left in yours?” Mingyu suspiciously eyed my locker.I scoffed. “I don’t keep drugs in there.”“Yeah, what’s this?” He jokingly grabbed something from my back pocket and brought up a sachet of marijuana.I glared at him and caught his hand down. It was his of
Last Updated : 2020-12-19Euphoria Forty One
Forty OneVernonCatherine was gone again for our first classes. These days it seems like I’m becoming the more diligent student than she is. My eyes were glued to her vacant seat amid all the classes that she had missed. It always feels weird when she isn’t around. Her absence is too loud.I tried texting her but she wasn’t answering. So to gather a bit of information about where she is, I forced Mingyu to ask her friends about her.We were getting ready for lunch when he had the chance to ask Lisa. Mingyu blocked her on the doorway. I immediately heard the girl’s irritated tone. “What the hell?” Her low-pitched disgusted voice echoed in the now empty classroom.“What? You’re the one nearing me.” Mingyu replied archly.I nearly rolled my eyes. He just can’t go straight to the point, can’t he? He even leaned his arm on the door as he tower
Last Updated : 2020-12-20Euphoria Forty Two
v e r n o nThe realization dawned into me like nightmare coming true. My heart was hollowed, and my body froze for the ice-cold shiver that penetrated through my veins. Cruel thoughts raced through my head, and not the biggest effort could hide the venomous wrath that has dominated my body.“Are you okay?” Catherine’s soft whispers momentarily brought me back to sanity.At that very moment, I just wanted to destroy Jackson. The truth that I held begged to be freed. But as I looked at Catherine swimming in the shadows of the dark and worn-out bookshelf corner, her night-cloaked eyes holding me cautiously were the purest reflection of the sincerity that lies beneath her, I felt guilty.I could not lie to her. It’s terrible enough that her boyfriend lied to her. But I could also not be impulsive enough to say something that can change everything for her.She took another check o
Last Updated : 2020-12-21Euphoria Forty Three
c a t h e r i n eIt vexed me when Vernon called all of a sudden. He asked to meet in a haste despite the already late hour.It was only a good thing that I was alone in our house, and Jackson wasn’t around despite the fact that I’ve been inviting him a lot lately.Without further thoughts, I trailed the mounted roads and narrow alleyways that lead to the Good Day convenience store. The sight of it when I was a few steps away tugged at my heart string. There was something about it that would never fail to make me feel warm. Its huge name, which says "good day" greets every visitor, no matter their purpose of passing by, with almost an imaginary smile.Inside its glass walls, I saw the new part-time worker behind the counter. The tables were wide empty, and the pa
Last Updated : 2021-03-06Euphoria Forty Four
c a t h e r i n e“You sure want to talk to him?” Jackson checked in on me worriedly.It was the very same night he saved me from that party, I talked to him on his car and asked whoever tried to do it to me. He was reluctant at first but I convinced him through it.“Yes.” I said with a nod.“But wouldn’t it be harder for you?”“No, I want to talk to him. I can’t keep my anger to myself.”“W-what are you going to do? Are you going to sue him? Tell your father about it?” Jackson grew excessively panicky.I shook my head no. I am certain I
Last Updated : 2021-03-07
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Euphoria Sixty Two
catherineI have never ran so fast my entire life. Seconds felt like forever. My tears fell without a warning. Strangers began to look at me as I stood and waited on the crosswalks, my knees staggering as I paced in agitation. Upon the stop light, I bolted my way to the crossing lane. I ran to the emergency room of Jung Hospital and I immediately found my sister. Naeun hugged me. I wiped away my tears as I tried to calm her."Hey, hey, it's fine. Mom will be fine. Thank you for bringing her here," kneeling down, I cupped her cheeks and hushed her down.Naeun called 911 when mom lost fainting and consciousness. According to Naeun, she vomited blood before that which our neighbor thankfully cleaned while I was in school. My nine-year old sister could only handle so much. It's bad enough
Euphoria Sixty One
catherineI threw my head back laughing. Vernon suppressed his grin by biting his lower lip, leaning on his elbow, and tilting his head as he watched me. When all the laughing subsided, I found his eyes back, their honey-coated irises twinkling in amusement, and the lines on the side of his lips were rising."Is that really a thing?," my brows furrowed."Oh you can search it," he pursed his lips on my phone.I shook my head and laid beside him instead."I'm starting to think this is how you are as a boyfriend.""You mean?" He leaned his head on his palm. Now all that's left for me to see was his flexed
Euphoria Sixty
catherineWe collapsed beside each other, ending up entangled limbs and sweat-covered beings bundled in white sheets floating in a brief moment of ecstasy. I was still carried away in the bliss of the feeling but all of that dissipated when I heard Vernon mutter something."What?" I giggled upon hearing him say those words. As much as I wanted to sound unaffected, my feigned laughter turned too fake and nervous.I mean, that was too random and unexpected. I don't do boyfriends because I love them. I date because I like someone. And like is too shallow a feeling compared to love. With Jackson, I used to say I love yous but I don't think they were ever sincere. And they only came on the later pa
Euphoria Fifty Nine
catherineVernon stilled in astonishment, gaping as if he had just heard the best news of his life. That flattered me, sent my heart warm and made it clench so good in gratitude. He inhaled sharply, stepped another inch closer and brushed his hand on my cheek. He crouched so our gazes would level.In a low quivering whisper, he seeked assurance. "Are you serious?""Yes. Why? Don't you want--" My words died in my throat. In one ferociously tender action, he kissed my strawberry lips crude and raw.Our mouth crashed at each other like converging tectonic plates, colliding in one violent haste-filled motion. His tongue reached down my throat. With its every flick, a bit of me withered.
Euphoria Fifty Eight
catherineJB's house and his extravagant parties never fail to surprise me. The guy's a rich kid. Later that evening, I went there alone after declining Vernon's offer to pick me up.The familiar loud music filled my ears upon walking on to the door and my eyes were immediately overwhelmed for there was so much happening--one thing I never much liked about parties. The lights were dimmed, and some kids gathered in the living room, playing pool. On a corner, there was some girl twerking and the people around her cheering. By the sofa, a couple was dry humping, and on the near kitchen counter, a beer pong game was going on. The sight of it all was too chaotic but they seemed fun.I was greeted by a few girls, whose names I barely know. Some guys offered a high five and a beer but I poli
Euphoria Fifty Seven
catherineVernon pulled away with a startled look on his face. It's not like we haven't made out before, and I could not entirely say those were meaningless, because no matter how I deny it, they meant something to me. But we have been strictly friends since that drunken night at JB's, and after that particular night in the bar. We've bonded like friends, studying, sneaking out in the library, and eating out together.The kissing part has already been foreign to me, yet the taste of his lips no matter how brief it was, resurrected the butterflies in my stomach. I distanced myself from him, suddenly feeling awkward after seeing him taken aback. My cheeks flushed profusely after realizing what I have done. I was never a conservative girl and a peck is nothing to me, but doing it on Vernon made me as shy as a middle schooler.
Euphoria Fifty Six
catherine"What can I do to help you, Cath?" In his hoarse bedroom voice, Vernon asked.The blinds of the unused classroom where we hid were all closed; prohibiting the tiniest sunlight in. We basked in the dimness of the room, only seeing the outlines of our bodies amid the shadows.When I had recovered from weeping, I laid on Vernon's lap as he sat on the desk. I didn't even know why I broke down that unexpectedly. It was just that he was saying so much, and my heart overflowed, and I had a downpour. I am the frailest emotional wreck at the moment, a lay of the finger could break me.He offered me his handkerchief which smelled of mint and the fresh morning dew from the woods, and I dried the ocean of my tears with its soft fabric. He and his handkerchief was the safety of
Euphoria Fifty Five
vernonAfter a few convincing, I made Catherine agree to attend a support group. I found the pamphlet at Daeyeong's desk earlier. He offered it to me after seeing that I have been eyeing it.Obviously, that made him more concerned. He asked me to talk about my "feelings" with him anytime or to talk it out with people who are going through the same thing. We weren't able to discuss more because I got pissed when he mentioned my deceased parents. It's not something I would want to talk to with anyone. But at least, I got the pamphlet. Upon reading it, I thought of Catherine.So that was what I immediately offered to her. At first, she was hesitant but for some reason, she soon heard me out."Okay," she said with the slightest turn of lips.
Euphoria Fifty Four
catherineThe anxiety and depresssion, it has happened to me a lot of times before, even when I was young and there wasn't really much to be depressed about.The first time I thought of dying, or wanting to die, was when I was eleven years old. I remember that clearly. It was my eleventh birthday and I got in a fight with my mom because she wouldn't let me invite my friends over. Don't get me wrong. My mom isn't a toxic parent, she was very nice and apologetic when she told me we had no money to celebrate my birthday and that I could not invite anyone. I, being spoiled and envious of my other friends who had nice birthday parties, threw a fit.My mom scolded me, and I tried to call my dad but he wasn't answering. It seemed like he didn't even remember my birthday. The open door of our classs that day gives an ample vi
