Chapter Four

"uhm why are there little people in my room with me?" I called out 

"your nephews Bethany look after them I'll be home before you know it." Luciana shouted from downstairs, before I could reply I heard the door slam.

which meant she already left, I groaned in frustration. I didn't know living with my brother also meant I had to babysit this was not something I was looking forward to, kids aren't meant to stay close to sadistic people it could kill their innocent joy. 

I did what I had to and ignored them as best as I could. 

I sat on my reading table and began to watch YouTube videos, at the same time watching over the boys that laid on my bed laughing. Most times this was how I passed time by watching video after video on YouTube, sad videos that would probably make a weak heart shed a tear but it did little to me and that was probably why I watched them anyways. 

I looked down when I felt a small hand wrap around my jacket, "what now small people?" 

The boys might have been twins but they weren't identical one of them had large eyes and the other didn't, one was bigger than the other plus the bigger one had his thumb stuck in his mouth whilst the other one chewed his lips, weird. 

"are you aunty Bethany?" the bigger one asked 

"she is dummy." the smaller one answered rolling his eyes 

How old did they say this kids were again? 

"shut up Anton I wasn't asking you," he replied pointing his little fingers at his brother. Anton’s nose flared up in anger and before I could even blink his tiny hands were stuck in his brother's hair. whoever thought it nice to keep children's hair must have thought wrong. 

I picked Anton from the ground and gave him a look when he kept struggling to come down.

"apologize.” I ordered holding him away from my body so he wouldn't think of attacking my hair, this little guy didn't look nice at all, the little brat glared at me. 

"I'll tell on you if you don't apologize to your brother right now." He pouted before he finally agreed to apologize.

"I'm sorry Astley I promise I won't your hair again even when you make me angry," Astley cleaned his tears and bobbed his head before fixing his thumb back into his mouth.

"put me down,'' Anton struggled to release himself from my grip but I didn't until he said please. 

After a while Anton pulled at my jacket before pointing at the wall that had a painting of Tessy. 

"who?" he asked shortly 

"that's Tessy." 

"who's Tessy?" Astley asked, "is she your friend?" 

"mmhmm" 

 "she looks like an angel." They both complimented. 

I gazed at the drawing that had taken almost a month to complete. When I was given the liberty to decorate my room I'd painted the walls with black and white, my bathroom adorned with blue and white colours, my closest was completely covered in white . 

However, I'd purposely left out the wall opposite my bed just so I could honour Tessy. 

The drawing was one that had with her smile. This was one of the few times I'd seen her smile as Tessy never ever smiled there was always a frown present in her face and her eyes were closed most times when I asked why once she had said the light held so much darkness she didn't really want to see.

This painting was a picture I'd kept in my head for a long time now. It was the day we got matching tattoos, we were walking down the road when a woman almost tripped and fell but Tessy was quick to catch her. The woman smiled warmly at her and told her she was beautiful and for some reason she added "you matter.”

Tessy had stood watching the woman as she walked on ahead, Tessy’s face had lit up in a bright blinding smile it was so beautiful that it stayed in my head to this very time. 

I added a halo on her head and gave her two large wings because that was what Tessy always wanted and her one of her last words to me was "now I can finally fly just as I've always dreamed.”

I spend every waking moment of my life hoping that she really did fly away to a place free of suffering, free of tears and heartbreaks, a place void of cruelty. My friend had enough of those before her death. 

There was a white cloud above her head and on her feet laid flowers of different kinds, her feet bare, she was clad in a white dress the one she had worn on the day she was laid to rest, the phoenix tattoo on (the one we had tatted that day) her arm I had highlighted with a the green, weird I know but green meant life and that's what I prayed everyday for her even though I didn't really like God I somehow wished he had heard my prayer. 

"she is an angel," I whispered lowly.

"Christmas is in a few days I want us to have lots of fun!" Astley said with a bright smile. Astley seemed to be the more calm one, all he did was suck his thumb and smile. 

"me too," Anton replied with equal enthusiasm. "what about you aunt? do you want to have fun on Christmas day?” he tilted his head as he watched me. 

"err yeah maybe," I shrugged.

I didn't really care about Christmas, I don't remember having that much fun on Christmas day I didn't know what to think about it. 

"you will for sure, mummy bakes cakes and she takes us from house to house to give our neighbors food and drinks." Astley explained with a glint in his eyes and reflected childlike joy.

"yeah she said it's spirit of Christmas.”  Anton's voice held a little bit of confusion but the excitement still shone on his face as he and he brother kept talking about Christmas and for some reason I paid close attention. 

Few days later, on Christmas day, true to the words of the twins Luciana really did make all of us walk from door to door gifting our neighbors with food, drinks and other stuff that I didn't even know. The people kept smiling like there was anything to smile about. Luciana forced me to smile and be polite, I swear I don’t like this lady. 

By the time we got back I was so exhausted and I could tell the twins were too cause as I laid on the large couch in the foyer they came and laid with me. They both covered the whole space with their fat bodies. It felt so good, so good I felt a little bit of love but I'll never say that out loud. 

Later that night Caleb gifted me with a HP laptop and Luciana got me a cheap charm bracelet which was weird since I don't ever wear cheap stuff. The kids gave me an ugly painting of the three of us together, it might have been ugly but I had it framed and placed it by my bedside because I cherished it and once again they made me feel loved. 

I got a new black dress from Allan, a card from Morris, another credit card from my dad and nothing but a simple "Merry Christmas" from Janice, at least that was better than my mother. That woman didn't even think to send me a text as always. 

Nine pm found me staring at Aunt Mae's letter, I was still furious at her for sending me back to my parents even though she knew how much they despised me to top it all she lied to me about her health but all of the signs were there. 

I sighed deeply, lifting myself from my bed I walked towards the window and took a seat on the sofa that sat close there. 

However, I knew it wasn't her fault, she'd do only what she thought was best for me, I unsealed the envelop and took out the letter, I sighed again before opening it.

**********

Dearest Bethany, 

Merry Christmas. I had hoped that we'll celebrate Christmas this year but you see we do not always get what we wish for and sometimes what we hope and wait on don't always come by, however, I hope that you spend this Christmas with a smile and your mind at rest. 

My dear girl, lately my mind has been filled with the thoughts of you I wonder most nights if you're still upset with me and knowing you, I am sure you will be. I thought to send you a letter in hopes that you will open it and understand that what I did, I did for you. 

I know this letter might not have what you really want to hear but I need you to know that you are like a gem to me and I found not just a friend in you but a daughter, the reminder of my time with you my dear girl brings me joy on a dark day, it is something I praise the lord every single day for. 

I remember how headstrong you were when you first came, you didn't want anyone to smile at you, you didn't need a hug, you never wanted to look up at the crucifix that hung on the wall, you didn't want to be part of our world. 

However, I saw how much you longed for a friend and how much you craved that hug, the way you craved the attention and I heard your heart ask God why? the small smile that graced your face, most especially, the battle that you fought within you, yes my dear girl I saw it all. 

That's why today I want to let you know that you're not alone and you matter very much to me and no matter how much you doubt yourself I never will just as God won't. 

My girl you're beautiful, smart, strong and resilient. You have been through so much but you're here still, not everyone can be as strong and courageous to live as you do. 

They have called you wayward and treated you like a dirt on their beautiful shirt but you need to know that you're more than that, Christmas is a beautiful reminder of God's love for us, he came for me. Jesus knows what you've been through and he sees what you're still going through and that is why he'll send you a precious gift, a gift of love, yes love and you must learn to embrace it.

Furthermore, my life is not my own this days, and I can't speak to you or reach out to you the way that I wish to but nonetheless I want you to remember that I think of you always and I love you, as a mother would for her child.

As Will Rogers said_ don't let yesterday take up much of today and so I hope and pray that someday your light will come, that I'll see a bright smile on that face. 

I know I might be asking for too much but I sincerely hope to hear from you soon as it will give me great joy. 

I wish you a wonderful and worry-free Christmas. 

With all my heart, 

Mae.

*******

I wiped the small tear that had fallen as I read her letter, all this fucking talk about Jesus and God and whatever, I don’t even give a fuck, shouldn't even be wasting my tears on someone that tossed me into a lion's den but yet I couldn't help it. I couldn't deny the fact that she was more than my own mother and I couldn't deny the fact that everything in that letter had lessened the weight I felt on my chest, her words was everything I needed to hear and more. I wished she'd let me stayed I was doing great with her. 

I wished so badly that she was right, in my heart I wished so badly that it didn't sound like a lie when she said I matter. 

There was this nagging feeling that something was wrong somewhere, she might not have specified what was really going on in her life, aunt Mae was a rich so I knew it wasn't money problems, I knew it was health. 

She had wished to get a reply from me but because of my selfish pride I never sent one, I wish I did.