Chapter 36

I’m completely bored and almost asleep when Bernie finally comes in.

"Where's Derek? He said that he was going to be here."

"He must have forgotten that he had some errands to run."

"Well, we are ready to work on your rehabilitation. Derek was going to be your support. If he doesn't make it back in time, I can always have one of the nurses help you."

"When am I going?"

"In about thirty minutes. Do you think that he'll be back?"

"I'm not sure." I answer, feeling a little guilty. I am almost positive that he left to check his feelings.

"Okay, I need to check your vitals before you can go. I will recheck them afterwards."

As he’s checking my vitals, I mention to him about my legs being a little weak this morning. I tell him about the fall and the fact that I was a little wobbly in the shower. He assures me that it’s expected. I should be fine in just a little while. Especially because he thinks that my vitals are better than he expected. I can tell that Bernie is hesitating to say something so I just stare at him until he speaks.

"Have you told Derek what I told you yesterday?"

"Please, Doc, don't remind me. It really hurts to think about it.” I shut my eyes to control the tears. I sigh, and look back at the Bernie. “I did tell him that I thought that we should just be friends."

"How did he take it?"

"He says that it's 'whatever I wanted'.”

"Hmm. He took it better than I thought he would.” He’s silent for a few moments. “Why just friends? If you make it back in time, it won't matter. Why not enjoy the company? I know that you love him, I can see it."

"Because, if I don't, he deserves to have a family. I can't give that to him. I'll never be able to carry his family line."

"Don't I get that choice? Or do you think that you’re the only one who knows how my life should go?" Derek spits as he enters the room.

He has so much anger and betrayal screaming out of his eyes, and in his tone, that I hold my breath before reacting in my own anger.

"Do you have a habit of eavesdropping?"

"Only when I hear my name involved.” He spits back stepping closer to me. I sit up straighter.

“Don't change the subject. Do I or do I not get a choice?"

"I don't know, Derek. You're not thinking properly. You won't be able to have children to continue your family line. I'm not going to be responsible for that. Don't you get it? I can't have any more babies." I’m heaving in air, trying to control my breathing, as my pitch screams higher.

"And you thought, what, by shutting me out and shipping me to some other girl to have children that I would not love you anymore? Or, that if you went home by yourself and it failed, and you didn’t make it back to me, that I would forget about you and find someone else? That I would want to find someone else?”

I have never seen him look any more serious than he does right now. It still baffles me how he can be so attached to me already. He still needs to see reason. “Like I said last night, I will do whatever you want or need. Let me clarify something first, I'm not going anywhere, unless you really don't care about me. I won't let you shut me out. That isn't what you truly want or what you really need."

Before I can say anything, he storms off. I’m unable to hold in my emotions and I start crying. I look to Bernie, who only shrugs and looks apologetic.

"Doesn't he understand how much I do care about him? This hurts me, too. My heart feels shattered. I've already lost my Dad, a husband, and a baby. I watched someone being pulled apart. Adam was ripped apart, every limb at the same time, just as he was saying good bye. Right after he said it, one of his body parts hit me. I won't be able to live with myself if anything like that happens to him. There is no telling what will happen to us out there. I care enough to let him go and have a family. That’s what someone does when they love someone."

I’m so busy rambling with my head down, that I hadn't heard Derek return. So when he wraps me up in his arms, I almost yelp.

"I'm so sorry. I know that you've been through a lot. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I love you, sweetheart, but I don't want to have kids if I can't have you. We can find another way. Please, don't cry. I’m sorry. I only left to get the wheelchair. I’m sorry that I upset you.” He releases me to bring the wheelchair closer to my side.

“It's time for rehabilitation, are you ready?"

It takes a few minutes to calm myself down before we leave. I tried to warn him but it didn't work. Maybe Bernie's right, why not have fun? Why just assume that I won't be able to make it back in time?

"Let's go. I'm ready to work on my way back to life. I'm ready to fix things, for my Dad." I look away from Derek for a minute. When I collect my thoughts, I signal for us to leave.

Rehabilitation is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. When I’m finished, Bernie is satisfied with my vitals and orders me to walk around the hospital as much as possible. With either Derek’s or the nurse’s help, of course. He says that my strength will return in just a few days. He orders me to get some sleep.

Derek’s lying on the cot, almost asleep by the time Bernie leaves. He looks so uncomfortable, but I’m nervous about asking him to lie beside me. I don’t know if he’s still angry with me or not.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks suddenly. He sounds half asleep but with a little anxious.

"Oh, how do you know I'm thinking? My eyes are closed." I ask surprised.

"You're breathing. I've studied it for the last few months. I could tell when you were having a bad dream or a peaceful one. When you first woke, I could tell because your breathing sped up."

"I was wondering if you were still angry with me. And if you would rather lay in the bed with me. You look uncomfortable over there." I say nervously.

"I'm not angry. I'm hurt. It hurts to know that you could just shut me out. It's not your fault, I know. It's mine. I shouldn't have gotten attached to you when you couldn't remember who you were.” There’s a few moments of pause. I’m about to reply and let him know that I got attached to him as well before he spoke up. “You don't happen to remember your name, do you?"

"No, I don't.” I reply shocked. “Can you believe that, after all I have seen, not one time did I get to hear my name? A couple of times I almost did but something would happen like I would wake up.” That realization frustrates me but I’m suddenly too exhausted to think about it. I sigh heavily in frustration. “You never answered my question. Would you like to sleep in the bed with me?"

"If you don't mind, I would love to."

I move over to let him slip in. I’m facing him and I reach up to kiss his chin at the same time that he reaches down. I accidentally connect to his lips. It’s soft, warm, gentle, and very short. For that brief second, I felt the fire that I had for him almost like I belonged with him and the love I have for him intensified. It’s almost as though it’s always there, only watered down.

"I'm sorry. I was trying for your forehead." he says a little embarrassed.

"It's fine. I hope that this doesn't sound rude, but the meicine is kicking in faster than I expected."

"No, not rude at all. You need your rest because Bernie plans on pushing you harder tomorrow."

I groan and Derek laughs.

"He's only doing it so you won't miss the meeting with Meril."

"Don't they have visitors every weekend?"

"No, not anymore. Too many prisoners. Now you have to make appointments."

"Appointments for prisoners?" I laugh. "I wonder how hard it would be to see Doctors."

"They do those online now. If you have a computer, you don't have to go. You just stick your thumb on the screen and it can read everything about you. Only situations like yours and serious illnesses require hospitals and doctors anymore. Unfortunately, there are a lot of illnesses that we haven't figured out how to cure yet.” I hear him yawn before he plants a kiss on the top of my head. “We need to get some sleep. Remember, it's a big day tomorrow."

"Mmhm. Goodnight."