Miscarriage

 Whatever amount of milk you feed a snake; it never leaves its habit of biting.

---------- Zara--------- 

"I WILL GO TO HIM.  YOU CAN'T STOP ME. "

 " IN THAT CASE, LET ME SHOW YOU WHOM YOU BELONG TO. "

 "DON'T TOUCH ME WITH YOUR FILTHY HAND. "

"LEAVE ME... YOU ARE A MAN-WHORE... A BASTARD ... I HATE YOU ...LEAVE... WHAT ARE YOU DOING? " 

"I'M DOING WHICH WILL REMIND YOU WHO IS YOUR HUSBAND."

Beep... Beep... beep...  

My eyes flew wide open as if I had relived the scene just few second back. I started taking large gulp of air through the mask attached on my mouth. 

 "Doctor, she regained conscious... She is conscious... " My ears filled with someone's desperate scream.  Then I heard some footsteps approaching near me.  

I was staring at the ceiling fan which was moving rapidly.  My eyes wide open as if I had a worst nightmare.  

My surroundings slowly come into focus. The white walls, the smell of antiseptic and the familiar smell of lavender mixed with bodily scent… my mother. Where am I?  I'm not dead.  

  The wall beside my bed has different wires attached to some equipment. I tried to get up from my lying position when I felt something piercing my delicate palm. With great effort, I rose my hands have a look. Needles with thin pipeline attached to some hanging bottle and a monitor on my side.  In the hospital. My mind cued. I tried to get up slowly.

  "Madam, what are you doing, please lay down, don't get up." l looked at the person who was wearing a white coat.  I'm in a hospital.

 "Yes madam, when you were brought, your condition was very critical. After three days you have gained back your consciousness. " The doctor replied. 

A nurse approached the doctor hurriedly.  " Sir, madam's family members and her husband insist to meet her," she said. 

"Yeah, let them inside.” Said the doctor.  Shame and terror-filled my weak heart.

  I don't want to meet them. 

 I don't want to face them; I can't face them. 

Nobody should see my misery.  

Nobody should know. 

 My heartbeat increased.

My brain started signalling me to avoid such inconvenience. 

Beep ...beep... Beep ...Beep... Beep... Beep 

"Doctor, she is hyperventilating."

 "Sir, heartbeat is increasing."

"Bring the defibrillation... make it quick. Fast." My eyes engulfed into the darkness as my body jerked with each shock. 

 ************

 Next day...  My blurry vision adjusted to the surrounding.  It took a few seconds for my brain to register this place. I gawked at the roof of my room. Slowly I tried to get up from my lying position when a nurse came forward and helped me adjusting the pillow against my back.  She removed the oxygen mask from my mouth and I sighed.      

 A familiar scent filled my nostrils.  "Zara. " I know this soft sound which came beside my side.  I turned my face to the other side not having enough guts to face him. This voice erect pain in my heart. He stood by my side like a pillar and yet today I'm unable to match my gaze with him.  

I have degraded in his eyes. How could I look into his eyes? I can't face him.

   Why do I love him so much?

 Why I have to meet him on that rainy day? And why did I have to feel his sorrow behind those few words.  Why my heart couldn't bear his misery and decided to bring him into my life.  Most of all why did I fall for him. 

 Fall for the devil in human form. A rogue. To get hurt every time. 

Humiliation. 

Betrayal.  

Disloyalty.

Infidelity.

Back-stabbing.

What else? Caged in a dark room. Chained like an animal.    

  Why couldn't I save my heart from all these emotions?  How could a person be so blind in love?  In my case, I was not only blind but deaf also. 

My madness should have stopped the moment he rejected my love but did I halt down. No, instead I was willing to go to any extend without caring about the feeling of my father. My hero.  Whenever I recall that night my heart clench in utter self-hatred.  Self-loathsome.   

 Why loving someone is so painful?  So, heart wrecking. 

 "Zara, my daughter, my princess..." His affectionate voice filled my heart, and unable to stop the constriction inside, my eyes started shedding tears. He holds my chin and turned my face towards him. I looked at him with guilt and shame. His eyes filled with sorrow as he stared at me with hurtful emotion.   He rubbed my cheeks with his elasticity hand. The small motion triggers a throbbing pain in my chest. 

“How are you feeling now?” He asked tenderly.  My voice refuses to come out of my throat because lying him wasn’t into me and telling him how miserable I am, will only break him further.

 "Stop crying. I'm with you. Nothing will happen to you." His voice slightly shaken controlling his emotions. The person who had a dominating and authoritative tone now lacks its pace. He was sitting beside me like a helpless father.  

 I can't bear this. 

 I don't want to live.  

 I should have died, so how come I’m still breathing?

 Before I go back to my depression the door ajar and someone barged inside. That someone is none other than the only woman in my life.

 " Beti, Beti " she touched my forehead over my wound after reaching near me. Her eyes molten  as she brushes her fingers over my wound hiding her tears and the next she tugged me in her embrace. She is a strong woman but also, she is a mother who cannot see me in pain. Her lavender smell filled my lungs. I missed this feathery touch of her palms. I got to see her after one month. (daughter, daughter)

One long month.

"Don't cry my baby, nothing will happen to you. I won't let any danger come across you. " My mother said in a protective tone. Her warm hug was soothing my dejected mind.

“We have always known that slum dog but you refuse to accept it. You never trusted my words. He always had his eyes upon my poor baby. How cleverly he tricked you.” She parted and cupped my face. Her eyes staring right into my soul.

“You are innocent. You don't know these low-class. " She turned her head without leaving my side. She was glaring hard at him.  My father was sitting clueless and ready to bear the storm.  "And you being a father, you are responsible for everything.  See, see what he did to her. Listen to me now, I want that bloody animal out of her life as soon as possible." The pitch of her voice high in hatred. 

" Hafsa, don't start this now. We can discuss this later.  Look at her condition. " My father glares back.

" I'm not starting but ending this stupid stunt of both of you. Do you know her condition when she was bought to the hospital. I was there, not you. How much blood she had lost from the miscarriage and accident. Nawab Sahab, she has narrowly escaped from death. You don't know how I feel being a mother. I have given birth to her. She was in my womb for nine months. And that scoundrel just took my daughter to treat her barbarian. Enough is enough. I have asked the family lawyer to arrange the papers." My father got up from his place and holding my mother's arm dragged her out of the room. I looked at them with horror-filled eyes.  My hand instinctively touched my belly with trembling fingers as I looked down.  My mind was in utter astonishment. 

 Miscarriage...  I was pregnant. 

A baby was there in my womb. Was?

   But why didn't he tell me? 

Why didn't the doctor inform me?  

 I lost my first child.  

My baby.

  My flesh.  

Why I'm still alive? 

 I should have also died along with my unborn baby.  I was slumped to deep despondency. Suddenly I heard a commotion outside. People were speeding fast. My head yanked towards the door. My whole fame started trembling hearing the voice outside my door. My breathing increased its pace. 

 "I want to meet my wife.” The harshness in his voice sends another wave of shiver down my spine. Instinctively my fingers clutch each side of the bedsheet.

Why is he here?

What he wants now? 

"She doesn't want to meet you " my mother must have blocked him. 

"Nobody can stop me from meeting her. She is my wife.  Zara... Zara ..."  

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