I can’t bear it anymore

CHAPTER 37: I CAN'T BEAR IT ANYMORE.

RACHEL'S POV

The vibration of my phone startles me as I sit on a bench in the evening after the event for the day has finished, trying to gather my thoughts after the long day. When I glance at the screen and see Emily’s name flashing, a sinking feeling grips my stomach. I already know what this is about before I even swipe to answer.

    "Emily, how are...?"

  “Rachel,” Emily’s voice is thick with frustration and exhaustion, “I can’t do this anymore.”

My grip tightens on the phone. “Emily, are you alright? what happened?”

 “Dad - He’s gotten worse,” she says, her voice trembling. “A few nights ago, I got a call to come and pick him up. He was passed out drunk in a bar. He lost all his money gambling again, Rachel. I had to beg them not to throw him out. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was?”

I close my eyes, inhaling sharply. The pain in my sister’s voice cuts through me like a blade. I can picture it vividly—our father slumped over at some dingy table, a shadow of the man he once was. The memories of my own encounters with him come rushing back. The coldness. The rejection. The blame he placed on me for things I could never control.

  “I’m so tired,” Emily sobs. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I have tried to be patient with him, hoping that I might be the next person to change him, you know. I—I just don’t know how to keep pretending that he’ll change, not even when he is ruining my life with his lifestyle.”

Tears blur my vision. I try to swallow the lump forming in my throat. “I’m so sorry, Em,” I whisper. “I should be there with you.”

  “You have your own life,” she sniffles. “I get that. But… he doesn’t even acknowledge you, Rachel, and I hate that. Despite everything he has done, I am supposed to be on a world-class tour trying to fulfill my dreams. And yet, here I am, breaking myself trying to save him. Maybe he is just not someone we can save anymore. I might just run away from home, from him.”

I bite my lip, wiping my face with the back of my hand. “ Relax Emily, please. I know that it is hard for you right now but can you please calm down? Everything will be fine. I’ll come visit you when the event is over,” I promise, though my heart aches at the thought of seeing him again.

Emily exhales shakily. “Please. I just… I just need my sister by my side.”

I nod, even though she can’t see me. “I’ll be there.”

We linger in silence, both of us holding onto the last remnants of our composure before finally saying our goodbyes. As soon as the call ends, I lower the phone to my lap and let my tears fall freely.

I hate this. I hate how much his actions still affect me. I hate that Emily is suffering because of him. And most of all, I hate that no matter how much I try to move on, he still has a hold on my heart. 

No matter what he has done, I still feel the part of me that is connected to him. He is my father, the same man who happily attended my graduation events, took my sister and me out alongside mum to celebrate different events, his advice for me to be strong, the promises and everything until it all stopped when the devastating event happened to us.

He changed completely to someone else entirely afterward. I rub my face and exhale. I have tried different ways to make things better for us, but it didn't work. I do not want to give up on him, on us as a family. Emily is still young and looks up to me as a role model. I want to make life easier for her.

By the time I leave the spot and head towards the kitchen, my emotions are barely contained. But life doesn’t stop because I’m hurting.

And neither does Sandra.

The moment I step into the hallway, she appears, blocking my path with a knowing smirk. “I can't believe this,” she says, her arms crossed. 

I look at her with a bored expression, I am quite sure that my eyes are swollen due to the silent sobs and heavy heart.

   "What are you talking about?"

 “You must somehow think that you are smart. Did you really think that no one will know this?"

What the hell is she babbling about?

  "You’re actually sharing a room with our boss.” she goes root of it.

I exhale sharply, already exhausted. “Sandra, I’m not in the mood for this.”

“Of course, you aren’t,” she sneers. “You are too busy climbing your way to the top so you must be exhausted, right? I guess sleeping with him was the fastest way to secure your place, huh? I thought... ”she shakes her head with a mocking smile, "Everyone thinks that you are some kind of disciplined, hardworking woman but who would thought that you would be this wild?2

Her words sting more than they should, but I refuse to let her see that. She wants a reaction, and I won’t give her the satisfaction.

  "Uhm...Okay? Thanks for noticing, I guess. If you are done talking, I will excuse myself now. Important things need my attention and reaction."

With that, I step around her and keep walking, leaving her standing there with her own bitterness. She can think whatever she wants. It doesn’t matter.

But deep down, it does.

I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore. If anything is going to happen, it should. Noah has the power to clean up the mess. I am totally exhausted about everything and everyone already.

NOAH'S POV

From where I stand, I see her.

Rachel is sitting on a bench just outside the staff quarters, phone pressed to her ear, her posture tense. Even from this distance, I can tell she’s crying.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much. Maybe because this is the second time I would see her cry like this. 

My fingers tighten around my phone as I watch her. Who is she talking to? What’s making her cry this way again?

A part of me wonders if it’s me. If she’s breaking down because of everything that’s happened between us. The marriage. The situation I’ve forced her into. Has she been pretending all this time? Acting like she’s okay when in reality, she’s barely holding herself together?

I don’t know why that thought unsettles me.

She wipes at her face and stands after the call has ended, her shoulders still trembling slightly. I watch as she walks away, her steps slower than usual, like the weight of the world is pressing down on her.

I exhale through my nose and unlock my phone. My fingers hover over the screen for a moment before I start typing.

Then, without thinking much about it, I hit send,d, and within a few minutes, I received a response.

   "You have a search engine on your phone, learn to use it!"

That brat!