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KRISTEN
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2024-10-29 19:42:56The best thing about having amazing friends is that everytime you are with them you forget about the negative things that keep you up at night, like clinical depression and anxiety.
But sometimes not even your closest friends can keep you away from that dark hole of anxiety, especially if you can't always be with them and worst of all, you can't find your coping mechanism.
I have been looking everywhere for my journal, I literally turned my bedroom upside down and I'm frantically going through my locker and still nothing.
I woke up feeling anxious and had this overwhelming need to write about it but I couldn't find my journal and now I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Where is it, where could I have left it? Oh my God did I lose my journal, the book with all my private thoughts and very personal and intimate poems?
Oh no, what if someone found out and read it? The though
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Perfect. If I had to pick my mother's favourite word it would be perfect. She uses it in all her interviews especially when she's talking about her perfect husband, perfect family and of course, her perfect daughter.I suppose everything is perfect for her, but only on paper because her daughter has far too many inner demons to be her 'perfect' little angel.Here I am, Ashley Parker, the daughter of an award winning journalist and respected district attorney, on the floor of the school toilet with my fingers in my mouth as I try to force myself to throw up every last bit of food I unfortunately had to swallow at my mother's dinner party last night.It's not an easy task but I'm motivated enough to go through with it and besides, I have done this so many times I'm practically a pro.After I'm done, I get off the floor and start to make my way to the sinks so I can clean myself up.
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There's a special place in hell for people who let their best friend's dad unknowingly flirt with them and I think that's where I am right now.I don't regret punching the smug look off of Camila's stupid face. I don't regret the black eye I gave her. Given what she did to my best friend, she deserved it. What I regret, however, is not thinking this through. Yeah, punching Camila on school premises was not a good idea and now I'm paying for it."So Miss Monroe," the principal starts. "Is there anything you would like to say to Miss Sinclair?"I look over at 'Miss Sinclair' who's sitting next to me in the principal's office. Oh I have a lot to say to say to her but I'm not sure Principal Koleman will appreciate any of those things.Giving her my best fake smile, I decide to say the nicest thing I can ever say to her. "Makeup should help cover up that black eye.""You would know."
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I don't believe in superheroes or guardian angels. I learnt from a very young age that believing there's someone out there looking out for you will get you nothing but disappointment as life will walk all over you nomatter what you believe in.But I trust my father one hundred percent and if I was a believer I would call him my guardian angel but it probably wouldn't be accurate, because my father is a ruthless tyrant.Unlike most parents, my father has never let me down, he's never lied to me and he readily gives me what I ask for. And that's what I'm counting on in this moment as I enter his home office."Father," I say as I walk further into his office.My dad looks up from his laptop, his face seemingly emotionless but I know better. "Mckayla.""I need to talk to you." I get straight to the point."Can't it wait?""I'm afraid it
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The best thing about mine and Nicholas's relationship is that when we are good we are really good. I mean, he will pick up to and from school, hold my hand as we walk the school hallways and even let me sit on his lap in the cafeteria. And right now things between us are fucking perfect. Yep, Nicholas and I are backing together, for the hundredth time.If I'm going to be honest I didn't think he would come back to me after our last break up. Contrary to popular belief, our relationship isn't a joke whereby we break up just to make up. We are actually pretty serious about each other. We stray, yes, but we love each other and everytime we break up it actually hurts because I'm never sure if it's final or not.Now some judgemental people like Mckayla Hamilton will call our relationship a rollercoaster of toxic emotions and they maybe right, but it's ours and it works for us, kinda."Mackenzie?" My boyfriend brea
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Today started out as a good day, very good in fact I would say I was genuinely in good spirits.So how did I get here, how did I go from on top of the world happy to lying on my bathroom floor crying, and wondering how to quickly and painlessly kill myself?Well let's start from the beginning, shall we. I woke up in a relatively good mood today. Recently I have been in a good place. My friends have been really good to me and it's been fun and somewhat normal hanging out with them. Aside from my little panic attack and losing my journal, everything has been perfect.But I can't give all the credit to my friends. They are great, yes, but he's on another level. Mr Zukov, my guidance counselor slash English teacher has been amazing on a whole another level. A big part of why I have been in a really good place recently has to do with him. He's the best kind of therapy, everytime I think about our sessions or him coming
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There are times when I get so high that I feel like a completely different person. And I'm not just talking regular people kind of different, but I feel like Spiderman or Superman and when it's really good, Kristen is right up there with me, being my Gwen Stacy. I wish that feeling would last forever but nothing that good ever lasts for a long time, much less forever.And unfortunately I can't be high all the time, especially at home because my parents would definitely notice and all hell would break loose."No cellphones at the dinner table." My mother curtly reminds me."I'm just texting Max real quick." I lie because telling the truth would mean admitting that I'm actually ogling Kristen's Instagram pictures. Damn, I really wish Max had posted more pictures on Kristen's account but for the one will do. She looks so cute I just have to screenshot it."Well I don't care what you are doing." My mothe
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It's official, I have lost my mind. I have always judged and frowned upon people who are stupid enough to send nude pictures to their lovers. It's always amazed me how someone can be so naive to believe that those 'proof of love' pictures will not be spread around.And now I have joined the list of those naive and stupid fools who buy into the whole thing that sending naked pictures is evidence of undying love.But I'm no idiot and I'm definitely not perfecting professional nudes for Blake Hamilton because of undying love or naivety.One could argue that I'm doing it for money and to also get back at my judgemental friend and they would be right, but if I'm being honest I'm doing it because I want to. I'm having the time of my life, the money and teaching Mckayla a lesson is just an added bonus.You are perfect. Send more pictures.Even when he's texting he's still de
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There are so many ways to prove that you love someone and apparently one of them is showing up at your boyfriend's house while his parents are away for the weekend dressed in an oversized trench coat with nothing underneath.I'm finally going to do it, I'm going to give myself completely to Lukas to show him just how much I love him."Mckayla?" Lukas sits up on his bed, removing his headphones. "What are you doing here?"Of course he would ask me that, we are on a break after all, well sorta. He's been putting more and more distance between us recently and I have had just about enough of it."How did you even get in?" He asks.I close his door and lean against it. "Key." I tell him before I start untying my trench coat.Lukas sighs, shaking his head in disbelief. "Mckayla, I don't know what you think you are doing but...."I remove
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Fake it till you make it. It's something I always say to my friends and now I gotta practice what I preach. It won't be hard, for most of my life I have always believed that I'm a character, a nearly perfect girl.Effortlessly beautiful, smart, confident and of course a badass queen. And I managed to bring that character to life, morphing into her since I was a little girl.But as I stare at the mirror, looking back at my reflection, I see the me I was before I transformed into my true self. It's her, the disgusting dirty little girl, the person I despise most in the world.She's mocking me, laughing at the fact that one grave mistake, one drunken escapade fuelled with intense lust and anger has brought back all those ugly memories I have always managed to suppress.A lot of things went wrong on the night of my birthday and I have so many regrets. If I could take it all back I would, but I can't so there's no point in dwelling on the negative. This will just be another memory I will s
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"The number you have dialed is not available, please try later"That's it, my brother is officially an asshole. I have been calling that son of a bitch for days now and he's still ignoring me.Well, fuck him. I'm done feeling bad for doing what I had to to survive. I'm sorry for leaving him in that shit hole but I had no choice since that poor excuse of our mother basically kicked me out.But to be fair I think kicking me out might just be the best thing Delores Monroe has ever done for me. Living with my mother and that asshole boyfriend was living nightmare.The physical and verbal abuse were not even the worst part of living with Marshall, it was inhumane behavior and Delores's refusal to acknowledge his cruelty towards us that always hurt me and unfortunately it destroyed my brother even more, sadly it still does."Tatiana," I snap out of my thoughts to look at Lukas."Oh hey Lukas." I try my best to smile at him. I like Lukas, he's good to my friend and Lord knows it's not easy t
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Fuck intermittent fasting, I'm having some candy and a whole lot of alcohol. This party sucks and frankly so does Kristen. So this is what it feels like to be heartbroken? The pain I felt as I watched the girl I'm hopelessly and stupidly inlove with kissing someone else left me empty. It's still there because I can still picture it in my head, Santiago and Kristen touching, hugging, laughing and finally kissing. All my worst fears were realized when I saw them together in the pool, fully clothed as they made out in the water. I feel so broken and I just want that to go away, I don't care how. So here I am, sitting cross legged on the kitchen counter and stuffing myself with chips. I think there's weed in these but it's not doing anything for me. I need something stronger, something to make me forget about what will forever be known as the worst night of my life. And then suddenly my prayers are answered when I spot Liam talking to some shirtless guy. I don't know his name but I ha
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Well, this isn't how I pictured the night going.I woke up two hours earlier than usual today and went online to order quite a number of outfits. I was excited about the party and so was my mother who even offered to do my hair and makeup. Of course she was a little hesitant about helping me dress up as Emilia Clarke's character from Game Of Thrones but then shrugged it off when she realized this was probably my only chance at a 'normal' social life.But now that here, sitting alone with my legs in the balcony pool, I'm wondering if coming here was a mistake. I have barely interacted with my friends and I can't help but think that Max may be avoiding me. Or maybe I'm just imagining things, but what am I supposed to think when I'm at my best friend's birthday party but am surrounded by a bunch of teenagers I don't even know? "Well well well, if it isn't my little school buddy." A voice from behind me slurs.I turn around only to see Santiago. Well, this is a surprise, I didn't know Sa
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I'm sorry. Idk wat I was thinking. Pliz talk 2 me.Genesis pliz.How long re u going 2 ignore?? How can u be such a bitch to me after everything u put thru?! I still ve dat video u know!!!Okay I will delete the video but pliz give me another chance.....Santiago's endless texts go from remorseful to anger and then back to being remorseful. I haven't responded to a single one of them. I have nothing to say to him, actually I do but none of it is what he wants to hear.It's weird being the bitchy one for a change. I usually leave bitchiness to Mckayla and Tatiana because I'm the nice one, the most carefree and easily approachable one of the group.And it's not just Santiago I'm not talking to, I'm not talking to Kristen either. Call me irrational but her sudden closeness to Santiago is something I can't stand. Santiago is my enemy now and the fact that Kristen is suddenly getting cosy with him makes me not want to be around her at the moment.And speaking of the devil I can see Kristen
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Not much gets past me so I can't help but think there's more to Tatiana's story than a violent altercation between her and her mother's so called boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I know she's being truthful about him being violent towards her, he's done it before and I have seen firsthand the bruises that bastard has unapologetically left on my best friend.And in the past everytime it happened I always begged her to move into our house, and I hate begging, but for Tatiana's sake I put my pride aside and tried to save her from her miserable life.Of course she wouldn't let me, coming up with different excuses each time I brought up the subject of her moving out. Whether it was the fact that she couldn't just leave her brother to fend for himself or that she didn't want to impose on me and my family, she was never short on excuses.But now all that has changed because a few days ago Tatiana showed up on our doorstep looking more vulnerable and emotional than I have ever seen her before.
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I can't believe it, after years and years of living in crappy apartments owned by even crappier men (thanks a lot mom for your poor choice in partners), I'm living in a hotel and not just any hotel but a five star hotel! Well, this isn't a permanent situation, I know that but I try not to think about it. Or the fact that I basically abandoned my brother but in my defense I didn't exactly move out by choice, my mother kicked me out. It still baffles me that she did that, that my own mother could throw me out on the street like that. I have always known she was a shitty and weak excuse of a mother but I never thought she would blatantly choose a man over her own flesh and blood like that. But that's life, some get shitty parents and some get the best.And Mckayla certainly got the best because her dad has been nothing but a gentleman to me. I can't say this is what I was expecting when I took a chance and called him in my time of need but not only did he come for me, but he didn't ask
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Strange things have been happening lately. For starters, up until today I hadn't had chocolate cookies or anything with chocolate in a really really long time. I feel like I have gained ten pounds and with good reason too, I had eight chocolate cookies! I wish I hadn't but I couldn't say no to Kristen, not when she was giving me the big green eyes.Which brings us to the second strange thing that happened to me, Kristen kissed me! I couldn't believe it when she leaned in and kissed me. It surprised me so much that I couldn't even reciprocate, I was too numb from the shock. But still it was the best kiss ever, so much better than the time she was dared to kiss me at Nick's party.And speaking of kisses, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Camila kissed me last week. I'm not going to lie, it's been keeping me awake. I mean she's practically the embodiment of the antichrist and she hates me, so what on earth posse
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The one downside about being hopelessly in love with someone is that you are willing to do anything for them, including jeopardizing your own mental health. I would know, I'm a wreck right now.I feel like I'm screaming and no one can hear because that's what depression feels like for me. And the worst part of feeling like this is that no one can help me because no one can ever understand how much it hurts. And I can't exactly make them understand because that would mean explaining to them that I'm in this current state because against my better judgement I decided to log into my social media accounts to check on the person I'm in love with who also happens to be my guidance counselor slash teacher who also happens to be very married.I don't know where I got the balls to stalk Mr Zukov on Instagram but I impulsively did and now I'm paying the price."You were doing so well." My mom is sitting on my bed, stroking m
