Chapter 21

I changed my dress with one of his T-shirts that was too big for me, the hem of the T-shirt dangling five inches above my knees. The scent of detergent and a hint of his cologne still lingered on the shirt I wore. I left the candle next to the bed still burning; after the attack incident, I never slept with the lights off again for the past year. The large and comfortable bed quickly induced my tiredness after a long day, and five minutes later I was already drifting off.

***

I heard his heavy breaths in the darkness. "Shut up, you bastard."

His head covered with a mask hovered a few inches in front of my face, whispering those words again, "Shut up."

I wanted to scream, but my voice was choked in my throat. One of his hands reached for my covered abdomen. "S-stop..." My tears flowed along with my sobs. "Please, stop."

His cold and rough hand moved slowly upwards; I closed my eyes and pushed his body off me with all my strength. Suddenly, he wrapped both his wrists around mine, gripping me to prevent me from struggling. "You'll pay for this, darling, with your body."

I could almost smell the alcohol on his heavy breaths...

***

My screams shattered the silence of the night. That dream appeared again in my sleep. I opened my eyes in the darkness, pulling myself to sit up and look around; the terror from my dream was creeping back. For a moment, I couldn't remember where I was until the door at the end of the room slammed open loudly.

"Eleanor!"

That dream had only appeared once before, when I was in the hospital with Nicholas. And now, it resurfaced again when I was with Nicholas again. My heart raced so fast in my chest that I felt slightly dizzy.

"Eleanor, are you okay?" I heard his footsteps approaching. I hugged my knees tightly to hide my trembling body.

"Just a b-bad dream." I answered with a dry and shaky voice. I could feel a trickle of cold sweat running down my spine.

"You dreamt of it again?" his voice sounded cautious.

"Only when I'm with you." "I'm okay." I muttered.

I felt the bed next to me move, then I felt his arms wrap around me. He was still wearing the same shirt, perhaps the same clothes as last night. Then, the next moment, I felt my back against his chest. The warmth of his body made my shivers subside. He held me tightly for a full five minutes without saying a word.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly. I shook my head, "I just want to go back to sleep."

He shifted so I could lie back down. But Nicholas didn't leave; instead, he dropped his body next to mine. "I'll stay until you fall asleep again." His comforting voice made me feel a little better.

"You don't have to do that."

"Ssshh." He whispered, "Do you want me to hold you?" he asked a few moments later.

"I'm fine." I replied, trying to look at his face in the darkness.

"But I want to." He pulled me into his embrace until my head rested on his chest, I could hear his fast heartbeat from this close. I didn't know his heart was also beating fast when he was near me.

One of his hands gently stroked my back, before I realized it, I started telling him about what happened that night. My voice still trembled as I recounted it, but I didn't feel as scared as before. There was only a sense of safety.

His body tensed as I spoke, but his hands didn't stop stroking my back. He didn't interrupt my story, he just listened, although I occasionally heard the sound of his jaw clenching tightly.

When I finished talking, he was still silent, I didn't dare to look up to see his face again, and I couldn't see clearly in this darkness. His heart still beat loudly in my chest.

"So are we going to pretend not to know each other again tomorrow?" I asked in a low voice. His hand on my back froze instantly. I didn't know where this relationship was going, or maybe it would end again.

Gregory's warning from a few hours ago echoed in my head again.

"I don't want to hurt you." His voice was slightly hoarse as he answered, I could hear a hint of anger in it.

"I'm not that fragile." I whispered back.

"You're human, Eleanor."

I pushed him slightly so I could look up at him, even though I couldn't see clearly, "Then what?"

He snorted then added, "You're even afraid of me."

I placed one of my hands on his rapidly beating heart, "Yeah. I thought so too. But lately, I realized that's not what I'm afraid of you for. I'm afraid because I'm starting to really like you, and one day I'll wake up and you'll leave me. Like the others. In the end, I'll be alone again."

"Eleanor..."

"I'm scared of the pain and loss that comes with it." I continued with a little laugh, "But you'll leave me in the end, won't you?"

"Eleanor."

"You're right." I started pushing him away, "We should stay away. I'll leave as soon as possible tomorrow morning—"

"Eleanor!" He pushed me until I lay on my back, his hands on both sides of my head. I could see his silhouette moving above me. "Stop talking."

I looked up at his silhouette in the darkness, my heart began to beat fast again as I realized we were alone in this house, and we were hugging on his bed. Maybe just being near him was enough to give me a heart attack because my heart always beat fast.

Suddenly I felt sad, not meeting him for a year and not hearing his voice alone made me feel this sad. I wasn't sure I could survive in the following years if this was the last day we met.

Could I forget this man?

I lifted my right hand to touch his face in the darkness, my fingers tracing his cheek and jawline slowly. He responded by pushing his face slightly into my hand.

"Why can't I be with you?" I asked in a whisper.

"You're talking again." He warned with a softer voice.

"I—Am I not good enough for you?" I knew I wasn't like Alice, and sometimes I could be a bit annoying. But seeing him tonight, seeing him wanting me as much as I wanted him made my hope return.

"Eleanor..."

"What should I do, Nicholas?" the moment his name left my lips he pulled my hand away from his face and held it above my head gently.

"If you go, Eleanor, don't look back." He whispered with his hands still holding mine.

I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't even know what to feel right now. But from his tone, it sounded like a bad memory.

"I don't know what to do." I almost heard despair in my own voice. His fingers stopped moving on my skin. Then a moment later, he released my hand from his gently.

"If that's the case, then go. And don't look back."