Chapter 20:

Leia POV:

    It has been a rough few days, Lillith had helped me get my strength back but it was a damn task. Pythia had been in and out helping Alley and I wanted to see her before I left. I just had to talk to her, to thank her for all she had done. I knew the fight with Bosch was going to be happening soon and my family wanted to be away from it all but I wanted to help so Pythia and Lillith have been teaching me how to make these cool little bags. Some of them can freeze people or turn them to stone and others are like mini bombs or flash bangs. It was interesting to see how these little herbs could really do a lot of damage and I had no idea. "What would you like to do today?" Lillith asked. "I want to try to run a little bit." I replied with a little determination in my voice. I wanted to start trying to work out anyway that I could,  Brad had me doing sit ups and brought me some little weights to lift. "Okay, I will call your brother. Go get changed and meet us back here." Lillith smiled before she disappeared. Walking was harder than I thought it would be and I still slightly limp but all of this has kept my mind busy and that is what I really needed. 

    I got back into my room and walked to the closet and pulled out some yoga pants and a long sleeve shirt. I still didn't like the scars that I now held but the stuff Pythia made for me has helped. When I was done changing I slowly made my way back down to the front door where I could see Brad standing in his work out gear. "Lillith said you wanted to run. Are you really sure you are up for it?" Brad asked, eyeing me. "Well, I think I will be fine and if Lillith didn't think it was safe for me then she would have told me no. We just can't do full on sprints or anything." I replied. "Alright, we will start off with a power walk and then a slow jog. Nothing more, I don't want you over doing it." Brad said, opening the door. It was really beautiful back here in this area, I never thought about this place as a kid but then again it is pretty far out. "Stretch first." Brad said. I nodded my head and started stretching out my legs. I forgot how good this felt, it always made me feel energetic. I was stretching my legs when I looked to see that Pythia was walking towards us. "Going for a walk?" She asked. "A speed walk and slow jog." I replied back with a smile. "Good, Nothing more than that and come see me afterwards. I need to talk to you." Pythia said, winking at me. I looked at Brad and he just shrugged his shoulders. 

    I wonder what she wanted to talk to me about. Maybe she was going to tell me that I could go see Alley or something. "Let's get started." Brad said, pulling me from my thoughts. We started walking along the trail and I took a deep breath, I loved the smell of the woods. It was always refreshing. The sun was out and it felt so nice. "What are you thinking about?" Brad asked. "Just that it is a nice day. I've missed running around the woods." I replied, picking up my pace. My mind was drifting to different places, I was struggling with the haunting memories of those I killed. "It wasn't you." Una said quickly. "It was still in my hands." I replied. There was no way for me to make amends with those people and I didn't know where to begin on forgiving myself. I didn't realize that I had started jogging until I blinked a few times. "Pace yourself." Brad said. Right, pace myself. Deep breath through the nose and out of my mouth, I just couldn't shake the memories. I hated them, hated myself for them. It was like I was reliving all of it and I didn't know how to handle all of this. "Leia slow down." Brad called. 

    I was zoned out, it felt like walls were closing in on me and I couldn't breath. "Hey, no look at me. What is happening?" Brad asked, grabbing me by the shoulders. My body jerked backwards, I didn't want to be touched. It reminded me of every time Bosch would grab me and it felt like my skin was trying to crawl off of my skin. "Don't touch me please. I can't.. I can't breathe." I said stumbling backwards. "You gotta talk to me Leia what is going on?" Brad asked, stepping closer to me. "Their faces, the killings all of it is slapping me in the face." I replied feeling tears brim my eyes. "Let's get you back." Brad said reaching out for me but I backed away. "I'll go get Pythia. Stay here sit down." Brad added before he ran off. I laid on the ground and curled up into a ball. "How do I even get through this." I whispered, not to anyone in general. "You have to relive it and face it." Una replied gently. "No.. I can't do that." I said quickly. I had just gotten myself back, I didn't want to lose myself all over again. "We will when you are ready." Una replied. I tucked my head closer to my knees and tried to push the memories out. I didn't want to see them and I wished there was a way I could somehow delete them. 

    "Leia?!" Pythia yelled, touching my arm gently. I flinched and she froze. "It's just me, talk to me." Pythia whispered, pushing my hair back. I looked up at her and all I could see was worry plastered on her face and I felt worse. "Just memories is all." I replied. "What memories?" Pythia asked, sitting down next to me. "I can just see their faces, all of it. I thought I had a better handle on it but there have been times it just comes out of nowhere." I replied. "Do you want to talk about it?" Pythia asked. I just shook my head, I really didn't right now because I didn't know how I would handle it. "How about we get you back and you can write it all down and then burn it. It'll get it out of your head but only you will see it." Pythia said, holding her hand out to me. "Where is Brad?" I asked, looking around. "He is at the house waiting for us." Pythia said with a smile. "Would you like to walk back or teleport?" Pythia asked, looking at me. "Walk preferably." I replied. She nodded her head and walked beside me. I didn't even know how far we had gotten. "Have you ever killed someone?" I asked not looking at her. "I have, my mother was one of them." Pythia replied, making me look at her. "Long story but why do you ask?" Pythia added. "How do you deal with it? Like how does it not haunt you?" I asked. 

    "Because I did what I had to do to save myself and my people. Or to remove a threat. If you kill to just do it then that might be something else but if there is a pure reason behind it then there is nothing to feel guilty about." Pythia replied. "I didn't want to kill them.." I whispered. "I know you didn't, you have to realize and know that it wasn't you that did it. In all honesty is was Bosch that did it and believe me when I say he will pay for what he has done." Pythia replied gently. "But how do I deal with it? They still died at my hands. I could see the life drain from them." I said sniffling. I never thought in a million years that I would be capable of doing something like that unprovoked. "I don't have an answer for you but when you feel it coming back you need to lean on someone." Pythia replied. "I know touch is still sensitive for you, but the only way you will get over it all is to talk it out. Brad is more than willing to listen to you once you go away." Pythia added. "Will you come visit?" I asked. "Of course I will. It'll be our secret." Pythia replied, winking at me. "Now go talk to your brother, oh and what I wanted to talk to you about is I spoke with Alley, she asked how you were doing and wanted me to tell you that she loves you." Pythia added smiling. "Tell her I love her too and I'll come see her before we leave." I replied. "I will, I am heading there now. Go on." Pythia said, pushing me forward slightly. 

    I looked up to see Brad looking at me from the porch and I took a deep breath. "Are you alright?" Brad asked. "No.. There is just some stuff I need to say and I need you to listen." I replied sitting on the step. Brad sat next to me and didn't say a word as I told him everything from start to finish. It was one of the hardest things I had to do and I could see his body tense when I spoke about certain things. He was always the protective older brother and I knew he heard this and it hurt him in ways I wouldn't understand. I pulled at the sleeve of my shirt waiting for him to say something. "I am so sorry for what you went through and I wish it could have been me instead. Maybe we can make this a daily thing, channel that in a way when we train to help you or we could do what we are doing now and just sit and talk about it. I'm not mad at you for going to that party. I'm mad at myself for not going with you but we can't change anything. Why don't you draw their faces and when we get to Oklahoma we can do a small ceremony or something for them." Brad finally said. I hadn't thought of doing something for those people.

    Even though they were shitty they didn't deserve that and maybe it would help. "That sounds like a good idea but can this stay between me and you?" I asked. I would tell my parents when I could finally face it all but I didn't want to right now. "Of course, mom and dad will understand." Brad replied. "Thank you for listening." I said looking at him. "It's what I am here for even though I do want to hunt that bastard down and rip him from limb to limb. I know Alley will give him what he deserves." Brad replied with hate in his eyes. I knew he was serious but we couldn't be here for that fight even though I wanted to be. "You really are the best big brother." I said, laying my head on his shoulder. "I know I am. I always will be." Brad replied, hugging me. For a moment I felt like the weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't have to carry that alone anymore and it felt nice. I needed to remind myself that it is okay to lean on people when I need it most because I can't afford to have a mental breakdown, not when I have been making good progress lately and if I wanted to come back then I needed to fix myself sooner rather than later.