"Chad assaulted you?" Selah repeats.I can't believe my best friend had to find out like this."Selah...I didn't want to tell you like this," I say.I want to cry. I want to fall into a hole. Is it possible to disappear or die of embarrassment? Quite sure it is."Why didn't you tell me? I'm your best friend. Where the hell was I? All this bad shit keeps happening to you. Do you not like me anymore? First, you don't tell me about Collin. Then I find out you're dating. Then I'm the last to hear about your cave incident with Chad. And now you've been assaulted. Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't you like me anymore, Natalie? Why don't you want to tell me about your life anymore? Do you hate me this much? Does Collin know?" Selah asks."I was there," Collin says."You were there. What the fuck? And you let it happen? Go fucking figure," Selah says angrily."That's not how it happened. My aunt left her house, and Chad broke in. Chad took advantage of the situation. I was lucky Collin sh
Three days pass. Selah and Collin are becoming better friends. Italy is a country full of everything wonderful America won't have. Exotic food, ancient culture, and the cuisine that will make your mouth water. Even the pigeons are sexier. Today is going to be the best day. Today, we get to explore the wonders of Venice, Italy.My abuse is running rampant in the back of my mind. Pushing it down makes this trip less magical. Talking about it makes this trip miserable. Will I ever be me? Will I ever go on and face the days of my life as I once did?Venice is the city of theater masks. The city of aquatic roads. I want to hide behind a theatre mask and become the Phantom of the Opera. That would be the life. No one would abuse me then.We walk through the city. Pigeons chase us and peck at my head."Shoo, asshole, " I shout to the pigeon.A bird shits on my sundress. Lovely."Perfect. Fucking great, " I say."Oh, don't sweat it, Natalie. We can find you a new one in the market. You can ch
It's 5:38 am. I turn over and see Collin asleep next to me. I'm still naked. Woah, that wasn't a dream. I had sex with Collin. I HAD...SEX... WITH...COLLIN!!"Are you okay, Nat?" Collin says, half asleep."I'm fine. I think I'm going to shower and leave. I don't want Aunt Tara to worry, " I say."Wait, don't leave. Stay for 30 more minutes, " he begs."Alright, but then I'm leaving. My Aunt would freak out about us having sex. And thanks...for being gentle, " I say."Anything for you. I love you. And hey, no pressure on having sex again. I can wait, " Collin says."How can you be so polite all the time?""What do you mean?" He asks."You never expect anything from me, " I reply."I don't own you. Besides, I respect you. Love isn't real without respect. That's what dad used to say anyway, " Collins says."I guess. Well, I appreciate it-more than you know. Not to bring him up, but Chad was never like that. That's what I like about you.""I love you too, Natalie. I'm going to keep tellin
My Aunt Tara looks angry. She has every right to be concerned. I'm such an idiot for coming back into Collin's room. I'm not sure what compelled me to come in here again. Other than Selah's stupid shower habits cock blocking my purging ones."Out with it, Natalie?" Aunt Tara barks."She didn't do anything. It was my fault. I hurt myself and called Natalie's hotel room for help. She came. I'm fine. I fell down in the bathroom, " Collin lies.I didn't know Collin could lie. He's so innocent. Maybe he's more complex than I thought. Collin Abernathy, you have just gotten sexier."Is that all, Nat?" Aunt Tara asks."Well, yeah. That's it. We thought you would be mad at me for helping him out.""No, why would I be mad about that?" She asks, raising an eyebrow."Well, this isn't my room, " I point out.Collin smacks the middle of his forehead with his palm. His skin turns pink from the self-inflicted slap. I shut up. God, I talk too much. This is Aunt Tara, the woman who knows I smoke cigare
Fighting with Selah is not how I imagined our trip to Italy would be. I've changed since we made our plans. I dated Chad back then. Since then, I've fallen for Collin, fought anorexia, and found out my parents are divorcing. As selfish as this sounds, I don't have time for friends. I want to focus on getting me right. If I'm not me, I can't be a good friend.I know having sex with Collin is playing with fire. The ghosts of my rape will find me and take me captive. I'm ignoring the sirens. Sirens are dangerous creatures that consumed the Greeks with their vocal lies.My life is a web—an intricate entanglement of the choices I have been forced to weave. I've created a web and have pinned Selah in the middle of my problems. I'm the hungry spider that feeds on the fly that she is. When my web breaks, I spin another barrier.... another lie. I wrap Selah around and around like a mummy for later consumption.These are the ways of spiders, and as for myself, I've become a black widow. If you
My Aunt Tara changes our plane tickets. Most people would be upset to cut a trip short. I'm not like most people. I'm Natalie Ashman, and the world likes me to keep spinning. I take out a piece of Italian gum. Chewing calms my nerves. Chomp...chomp...chomp. This gum loses its flavor too fast, damn it.I repack my suitcase in Aunt Tara's room. This is fucked up. Mrs. Moore should be leaving, not us. I know she's from Italy, why can't she go be with her brother Mario and leave us alone?I'll never see Selah again. Even after hearing my god-awful truth, Mrs. Moore still hates me. What if I were your daughter Mrs. Moore? Would you care then? Probably not.I sit on the bed and spit the gum into a nearby trash can. This is bullshit—all of this. I love Selah. I know I'm not perfect, and perfect is not me. I'm okay with that. I need Selah, now more than ever. And now I will...never...see...her...again.I cry. My hands make fists on my lap. Aunt Tara comes out of the bathroom."Oh sweet, Natal
I arrive at the airport. Sammy greets me. It's so good to see my big sister again. I almost forgot I had one. With all the drama that Italy was, I forgot other people liked me."I'm sorry your trip had to end so quickly, " Sammy says."I'm not. I'll tell you later. Bottom line..." Aunt Tara cuts me off."That Moore woman is a bitch, " Aunt Tara says."Go, Aunt Tara, " Collin says."COLLIN, " Aunt Tara barks.Collin blushes and retreats into his hoodie like a turtle going into its shell."What happened?" Sammy says."Let's just say Mrs. Moore has no compassion for anyone whatsoever. She thinks I'm a problem, and now she doesn't want Selah and me to be friends anymore. Fuck her, " I shout for the entire airport to hear."Are you ready to go home?" Sammy asks while handing all of us Starbucks."Thanks for the coffee, darling. And yes, get us out of here, please, " Aunt Tara says.We are silent in the car. We are exhausted and ready to get on with life. Today would have been another Itali
Jet lag is the single most terrible feeling on earth. It's like experiencing 18 daylight savings changes all at once. Being drunk is more fun. It's 3 am. How on earth did I nap this long?Sammy is still in the room. I'm glad she's here. I know what they say about 3 am.They call it the witching hour—the hour of ghosts and ghouls. I know ghosts are real.Mine lives upstairs in the untouchable room, my room. His name is Chad Jefferson. His physical body is in prison, but his spirit dwells within those walls.I never want to open that door again. No amount of therapy will ever make me.When one door closes, another door opens. I don't know if I believe that overly used phrase. What if my life is a hallway with millions of doors, and they are all locked? Where is the key?The door on my time with Chad has closed. I'm in a hallway, waiting for the next door to open. The next window cracked open will invite me in. Dating Collin was by chance. The door was ajar that day. It was never fully o